After awhile,
Time heals,
Hearts may soften,
But some harden,
Minds are fixed,
Memories distorted,
All seen through rosy lenses,
Or perhaps still buried in bitterness,
Seeing things through a tinted blurry window pane.
After awhile,
Why peace still eludes the world?
Senseless destruction
of humankind and nature
Warped thinking
Bent on twisted mindset
Still...
After awhile,
Does it matter?
Yes, then do something about it.
No, then say nothing about it.
Enough negativity in the world...
After awhile,
Some lose
Some win
Some gain
Some let go
Others indifferent
Some care till the end.
After awhile,
Children grow,
People age,
Some pass on,
Life goes on.
~ Been awhile... Sue Sept 11, 2014
Showing posts with label childless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childless. Show all posts
Thursday, 11 September 2014
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Life and how things don't really turn out the way you wish/hope/planned, only better.
So I guess life thinks I have got enough little girls to add colour to my life. And so we got a little boy of our own, our precious little boy born earlier last year, 2013... a complete surprise but a wonderful addition to our life.
When we were told we were having a boy, I will be lying if I say I was not a little bit disappointed. I have always wanted a little girl before I became a mother. SORRY SON, if you are reading this when you could read a few years down the line, please continue reading, come on. I love you son.
Gone were my dreams to wear my little girl in pretty nice dresses and with laces and frills and tie up her hair in cute ponytails or braid them, and wear matching outfit with my girl when we go out and feel so proud I have a mini me. Okay, now that I put it this way, it seems like my dream of having a little girl is purely for self-gratification to doll her up and to stroke my ego/pride, hahaha.
However, now that I don't have a little girl, I have found that having a little boy is a totally different wonderful experience that I have never even given a thought in most of my life up till 2013.
Sure, there is one extra stuff to take care of when you change the diaper, and the diaper rash can or cannot be worse than a little girl's, babies stuff aside... now that our little boy is a toddler and hitting his milestones... it is the little stuff that makes me smile and chuckle everyday.
Our son has this thing for wheels since he could sit up steadily by 6 months and would point at moving blades like fans and would use his finger pointer to move any wheels, be it luggage wheels stroller wheels, his miniature car/toy wheels, any wheel, he will be fascinated.
The moment he could master some vocals, he started making boom boom, ggggnggg ggnnggg sound from his throat. And now at 16 and a half months, he finally learns the proper raspberry pout with his lips and makes the brrrrrrrrrrr, engine revving sounds and it doesn't stop there, he will take anything and pretend it is steering wheel and turn, and when there is nothing for him to get hold off, he will clasp his fingers together and started turning his hands like they are wheels and 'pretend drive'. 16 freaking months old... and he cannot converse yet with his limited vocabulary but gggggnggg ggggng has been in his vocab since like he could respond to us, lol. He loves that word more than mama or papa!
And the brooooooom broooom doesn't stop there. We take baths together, I will be beside him while he plays with his cup and duckies and he will be making the revving sounds, entertaining himself while the shower sprinkles down. He splashes the water everywhere in bath, so it figures to take bath together because I will be wet anyway. Baths aside, and yes hubby and I both agree there is nothing to be ashamed of by the natural state of our birthsuits, our little boy is growing up fine and he has his preferences and gets all excited when his fav cartoon Rory the racing car is on... wheeels aside, he loves Olive the Ostritch and Fifi and the Flowertops as well, so I guess he is an all-rounder, or at least I hope he will be!
It is a delight to dress him up too!
After much searching, and boys outfit unfortunately are not as extensive as a girl's wardrobe... so it really was a much more gratifying success when I finally found nice outfits for my boy.
And yes, we can dress up in the same colour scheme and pose for pix. Our boy is quite the camera pleaser after 'the training' in front of the camera that he went through - crazy mama (me) snapped thousands of photos in his first months on Earth and yes it has slowed down to maybe a hundred pix or so a month now haha.
It is a delight to watch what new stuff he unleashes each day... he teaches us both to be better parents if we both listen and respond to his needs instead of vice versa. Patience is a virtue, yes, but patience can really save your life and sanity, we cannot rush things with our little ones, all in due time, and they will flourish when it is time, like a flower is supposed to be in bloom.
I guess we are in a comfortable relaxed environment now, just the three of us. I cannot imagine how life will be without our son, the laughter and cackles, how he grins and behaves playfully when he knows he did something funny and we are trying not to laugh. Even when we do get the rare night off for date night, both hubby and I would be talking about him and what he will say or do at the little things we stumble upon and when we finally picked him up, we are missing him more than ever... and he missing us. He knows we are his parents and he is our little boy. Nothing can change that.
A little girl suddenly appearing now as an addition into our family of three? hmm.... I won't say yes right away but I also won't say no. COME WHAT MAY... what will be, will be.
Even if we don't get a baby sister for our son, we are already complete as a family with his birth. Not to say another baby will not be as important or anything, a sibling will be a welcome addition in the family and love knows no bounds, so it will be a nice 'extension' of love and everything nice in life. And I don't support the notion of males being the more 'superior' gender and all, so I am gonna make sure our son never treats a female with anything but respect.
We love you so much baby boy, hugs and kisses. Thank you for coming into our lives and bringing us so much joys in ways we never imagined life would give us.
Love, Mama and Papa
June 30, 2014.
NOTE: *We have our baby son after nearly 6 years of marriage*
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
In Jitters - First letter to my unborn baby
My dear baby,
The date this blog post is scheduled is March 5, 2013, this date is your godmother's birthday, Auntie Pei whom you are should call Mommy Pei when you start talking later.
Mommy Pei used to tell me, your Mama, that she hopes you will be born today, on this date so you two can share the same birthday and celebrate together, that is so sweet.
By the time this post appears on Mama's blog, you should have been born already unless you are one of those babies who love to delay and take your own sweet time to make your debut in this world.
Your mama is in jitters already... at first it was euphoria and excitement that Mama and Papa will be parents, finally! You don't know how much we anticipate your arrival, oh my precious baby.
Then after the initial excitement is over, your Mama started worrying about so many things it is tiring. Like really keeping her awake.
What if you don't like Mama? What if Mama doesn't like you and it is not love at first sight?
What if Mama doesn't have what it takes to be a good mother? What if you bond with Papa more than Mama (selfish motherly thought)?
What if you cry and Mama doesn't know what to do? What if you fall sick and what Mama does only made it worse and it doesn't get better? What if a slight mistake in parenting affect your whole future?
So many 'What If's, only time will tell... so my dear baby, less than two more months and counting... it is mid January 2013 as I am typing this to you... by the time this blog post is published, you should be in my arms already.
I love you so much my baby. So does your Papa, both sets of grandparents, godmommy Pei, godmommy Val and goddaddy Eric. Know that you are much loved even before you are born.
Love,
Your Mama
p/s- after nearly six years of trying and dealing with stress of infertility, our family is nearly complete, just when we least expect it -- hope to celebrate our 6th anniversary with the three of us. :-) Our little Ray of hope is finally here.
Sequel to this letter
NEVER GIVE UP
The date this blog post is scheduled is March 5, 2013, this date is your godmother's birthday, Auntie Pei whom you are should call Mommy Pei when you start talking later.
Mommy Pei used to tell me, your Mama, that she hopes you will be born today, on this date so you two can share the same birthday and celebrate together, that is so sweet.
By the time this post appears on Mama's blog, you should have been born already unless you are one of those babies who love to delay and take your own sweet time to make your debut in this world.
Your mama is in jitters already... at first it was euphoria and excitement that Mama and Papa will be parents, finally! You don't know how much we anticipate your arrival, oh my precious baby.
Then after the initial excitement is over, your Mama started worrying about so many things it is tiring. Like really keeping her awake.
What if you don't like Mama? What if Mama doesn't like you and it is not love at first sight?
What if Mama doesn't have what it takes to be a good mother? What if you bond with Papa more than Mama (selfish motherly thought)?
What if you cry and Mama doesn't know what to do? What if you fall sick and what Mama does only made it worse and it doesn't get better? What if a slight mistake in parenting affect your whole future?
So many 'What If's, only time will tell... so my dear baby, less than two more months and counting... it is mid January 2013 as I am typing this to you... by the time this blog post is published, you should be in my arms already.
I love you so much my baby. So does your Papa, both sets of grandparents, godmommy Pei, godmommy Val and goddaddy Eric. Know that you are much loved even before you are born.
Love,
Your Mama
p/s- after nearly six years of trying and dealing with stress of infertility, our family is nearly complete, just when we least expect it -- hope to celebrate our 6th anniversary with the three of us. :-) Our little Ray of hope is finally here.
Sequel to this letter
NEVER GIVE UP
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Child's Play - Wildflowers and Playing House
Seeing these wildflowers, a sense of déjà vu came over me.
Some 30 years ago, or maybe less, the little Sue used to pick wild flowers and play 'House' or in Malay, 'masak-masak'. Once in awhile, there will be a wedding and sometimes due to a lack of boys playing the game, a girl shall be the groom. The bride always wear the wild flowers in her hair, tucked behind her ears, every little girl wanted to be the bride so we can look pretty with the wild flowers in our hair.
Fast forward 30 years later, half of us have married and quarter of us are mothers. Another half are still single. The game has taken place on a bigger setting called "Life". How far we have come from those bygone days of innocence and child's play.
Life has been quite good to me with many lessons along the way. I look back with no regrets. Hope it is the same for everyone.
Post script: I think I just showed the whole world my palm. It's okay, as long as no random fortune teller/palm reader gives me a similar prediction he gave Arnold the California Governor that he isn't gonna live beyond age 49 and see how old he is now. Random, I know. :)
Some 30 years ago, or maybe less, the little Sue used to pick wild flowers and play 'House' or in Malay, 'masak-masak'. Once in awhile, there will be a wedding and sometimes due to a lack of boys playing the game, a girl shall be the groom. The bride always wear the wild flowers in her hair, tucked behind her ears, every little girl wanted to be the bride so we can look pretty with the wild flowers in our hair.
Fast forward 30 years later, half of us have married and quarter of us are mothers. Another half are still single. The game has taken place on a bigger setting called "Life". How far we have come from those bygone days of innocence and child's play.
Life has been quite good to me with many lessons along the way. I look back with no regrets. Hope it is the same for everyone.
Post script: I think I just showed the whole world my palm. It's okay, as long as no random fortune teller/palm reader gives me a similar prediction he gave Arnold the California Governor that he isn't gonna live beyond age 49 and see how old he is now. Random, I know. :)
Saturday, 27 October 2012
Third Letter to My Younger Self (Tegami reprise) アンジェラ・アキAngela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君
I am listening to my favourite Japanese song, Tegami, google up アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君 which tells of a story of how a 15-year-old found it hard to live on in life and wrote a letter to her future self and her future self actually replied.
Here is another letter to myself. You can read about my previous letter here. Or just click on 'letters' on the labels menu for all the letters I've written, more like open letters, I'm an open book anyway. :-)
Dear Sue (myself) who just got married in 2007,
You should still be grieving for the loss of our little one (RIP 09092007) who did not even have the chance to be born and breathe his/her first breath of life... the pain is raw, especially in the first four years, but trust me, by 2011, you can talk about it calmly without shedding a tear. The sadness is still there, but I guess we just get stronger as time passes.
I know by now, end Oct, you feel like life is ending for you, you are blaming everyone and most of all, we blamed ourselves, and lashed out at the closest person, our darling husband, bless his kind soul. He is not a man of many words and yes, he is a loving man, despite his lack of sensitivity, he will surprise us, dear Sue, yes, I never knew love has no limit, I love him now even more than when I first married him. Guess this is what love is all about, not bound by any limit?
No, we don't have a kid yet five years plus from now, the pregnancy test kit is still showing the single line of negative. Trust me, all the months of trying and disappointment is a 'training' for us to be stronger and face what lies ahead of us. What you may ask? I didn't see the answer back then but now I can tell you this:
With the many happenings in my life right now, example - this, I find that my husband and I (and generally the whole family and everyone linked to us socially), are growing by leaps and bounds especially when it comes to self-reflection, character-reflection, changes in life's outlook (thoughts and opinions) and I can sum it up with one phrase: we all learn how to be true humans. My mother-in-law taught us all that.
In the past, in healthier times, our mother-in-law would do all she could, cook, clean, care, cook, clean care, she repeats all these with a fervent desire to give the very best to her loved ones, she does not discriminate even if it is a stranger asking for a glass of water at her gate, or the last customer to arrive when she was about to pack up and go home when she was selling cakes and delicacies called "kueh" (gway), sweet stuff she made and I was told her generosity extended to the extent she literally gave away free "kueh" at the end of the day.
There is not a single thought of greed in this noble woman, not a single shred of selfishness, she is truly selfless and only live to serve others. Some more materialistic people may think this is foolish, but over the years, the short five years I have been her daughter-in-law, I began to see things from her point of view.
You don't lose anything just by being helpful and generous, instead, you gain satisfaction and you gain more by giving.
Our mother-in-law truly embraced the meaning of giving unconditionally, loving unconditionally, she found joy in serving others.
I plan to write a book on her and I have started a bit on that, starting with this blogpost, I shall take November off from work and accompany her, be by her side wherever she goes, and I shall start typing away on my laptop, I shall remember to save everything and back it up on my thumb drive just in case my laptop fail me. I shall ask her questions if I am stumped, but that won't be much, I remember almost everything, every little story, every anecdote she told me since I first called her "Auntie" in 2004, up till now, I call her "Mommy". I guess every woman who talks a lot remembers a lot too as we relate and repeat the stories to one another.
My summary is:
In the past one and a half months, coming to two months, I have learned and still learning the art of living from this admirable woman I call my mother-in-law.
She is a simple woman, some may even call her one of the simple country-folk, a typical housewife, but to everyone whose lives she touched, she is more than that! She is the epitome of the perfect woman, virtuous, God-fearing (she believes in the Goddess of Mercy and surrenders her fate to Her), generous, always putting others before Self (she has truly learned the art of mastering "Anatta", Buddhism teaching for no-self, no-ego), even in the past two months, her learning curve is pretty steep and she has actually perfected her character and started to let go a lot! I feel like she is almost a saint, my mother-in-law!
To the Sue five years ago,
I know you feel like life is at the bleakest now, especially when you yearn so much for a child and have him/her taken so suddenly away from you, it is rough on darling hubby too, but let me tell you this, if we have a cute adorable five-year-old now, we cannot do what we are doing now. We cannot grow as much as we are growing now (not growing fat, but growing up).
Darling hubby is growing up too, we are actually more mature and we are learning new things everyday, the meaning of what it truly means to be human.
It is simple, no religious incantations, no prayer, just one word: "ACCEPTANCE".
Remember how we used to ask: WHY? Why me? Why now? Why not?
Now I know why and I tell you this:
Everything happens for a reason. Whatever that happens, no matter how bad, it must be good. There is always hope in despair. Even when the going gets tough, the tough always get going. Yeah, I know, cliche but they are all TRUE!
Why are we still childless? The way I look at it, it is because we are meant to be serving this noble woman who have always put others before herself. How can we fully concentrate in caring for our beloved mother-in-law if we have a toddler or two towing along? We will feel bad if we neglect our kid(s) to care for an elderly, knowing our motherly instinct!
It is as if the jigsaw puzzle pieces are coming together and I can finally see the whole picture, mommy (yeah, we call her mommy now, we truly love her now, you know), mommy needs us to be by her side, and we are willing to be by her side and THANK GOODNESS we are childless now. It is a blessing in disguise. We are still in our early 30s, Sue, we can still try. Mommy needs us now. We shall be strong, child(ren) can wait.
It is a chance denied to many, to care for the elderly and repay all their love for us. I feel blessed, so hang in there. All will end well in the end. Have faith!
Yours lovingly,
Sue (Oct 27, 2012)
If you wish to read more, follow these in chronological order:
Since they are already published anyway, just sharing these if you have a few minutes to spare:
Read this first:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-yo
unger-self-tegami.html
All written from my heart.
1. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-first-letter-to-my-future-self-july.html
2. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/07/our-love-story-how-i-became-mrs-lee-in.html
3. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-younger-self-tegami.html
I admit I still have a lot to learn and I am still trying to improve on my manners, speech and thoughts. Sorry if I have offended anyone with my direct speech sometimes, and my hormonal emotional outbursts especially when I was younger and just newly married to the Lee family.
My reflection on mommy's illness started the second day after I found out (Dr Catherine told me at just before 5pm on Sept 5, 2012) - a snapshot of my 'journey' and what I have learned the past one month plus:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/spending-last-moments-together.html
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/in-fog-and-mist.html
Then I started to reflect and wrote this one: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/how-we-should-treat-elders.html
After we visited nenek in Sarawak, or when we decided to visit nenek in Sarawak:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/when-darkness-seemed-forever-first-ray.html
Then I reflected on the meaning of love and caring:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/love-and-attention.html
On my birthday this year I wrote this:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/2012-birthday-wish.html
Then hubby and I went for counselling at a Hospis (free of charge) and I was moved by this hanging on the wall:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/never-give-up.html
Then after mommy told me directly she isn't afraid of death, I wrote this:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/accepting-death.html
And finally my third letter above:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-younger-self-tegami.html
Here is another letter to myself. You can read about my previous letter here. Or just click on 'letters' on the labels menu for all the letters I've written, more like open letters, I'm an open book anyway. :-)
Dear Sue (myself) who just got married in 2007,
You should still be grieving for the loss of our little one (RIP 09092007) who did not even have the chance to be born and breathe his/her first breath of life... the pain is raw, especially in the first four years, but trust me, by 2011, you can talk about it calmly without shedding a tear. The sadness is still there, but I guess we just get stronger as time passes.
I know by now, end Oct, you feel like life is ending for you, you are blaming everyone and most of all, we blamed ourselves, and lashed out at the closest person, our darling husband, bless his kind soul. He is not a man of many words and yes, he is a loving man, despite his lack of sensitivity, he will surprise us, dear Sue, yes, I never knew love has no limit, I love him now even more than when I first married him. Guess this is what love is all about, not bound by any limit?
No, we don't have a kid yet five years plus from now, the pregnancy test kit is still showing the single line of negative. Trust me, all the months of trying and disappointment is a 'training' for us to be stronger and face what lies ahead of us. What you may ask? I didn't see the answer back then but now I can tell you this:
With the many happenings in my life right now, example - this, I find that my husband and I (and generally the whole family and everyone linked to us socially), are growing by leaps and bounds especially when it comes to self-reflection, character-reflection, changes in life's outlook (thoughts and opinions) and I can sum it up with one phrase: we all learn how to be true humans. My mother-in-law taught us all that.
In the past, in healthier times, our mother-in-law would do all she could, cook, clean, care, cook, clean care, she repeats all these with a fervent desire to give the very best to her loved ones, she does not discriminate even if it is a stranger asking for a glass of water at her gate, or the last customer to arrive when she was about to pack up and go home when she was selling cakes and delicacies called "kueh" (gway), sweet stuff she made and I was told her generosity extended to the extent she literally gave away free "kueh" at the end of the day.
There is not a single thought of greed in this noble woman, not a single shred of selfishness, she is truly selfless and only live to serve others. Some more materialistic people may think this is foolish, but over the years, the short five years I have been her daughter-in-law, I began to see things from her point of view.
You don't lose anything just by being helpful and generous, instead, you gain satisfaction and you gain more by giving.
Our mother-in-law truly embraced the meaning of giving unconditionally, loving unconditionally, she found joy in serving others.
I plan to write a book on her and I have started a bit on that, starting with this blogpost, I shall take November off from work and accompany her, be by her side wherever she goes, and I shall start typing away on my laptop, I shall remember to save everything and back it up on my thumb drive just in case my laptop fail me. I shall ask her questions if I am stumped, but that won't be much, I remember almost everything, every little story, every anecdote she told me since I first called her "Auntie" in 2004, up till now, I call her "Mommy". I guess every woman who talks a lot remembers a lot too as we relate and repeat the stories to one another.
My summary is:
In the past one and a half months, coming to two months, I have learned and still learning the art of living from this admirable woman I call my mother-in-law.
She is a simple woman, some may even call her one of the simple country-folk, a typical housewife, but to everyone whose lives she touched, she is more than that! She is the epitome of the perfect woman, virtuous, God-fearing (she believes in the Goddess of Mercy and surrenders her fate to Her), generous, always putting others before Self (she has truly learned the art of mastering "Anatta", Buddhism teaching for no-self, no-ego), even in the past two months, her learning curve is pretty steep and she has actually perfected her character and started to let go a lot! I feel like she is almost a saint, my mother-in-law!
To the Sue five years ago,
I know you feel like life is at the bleakest now, especially when you yearn so much for a child and have him/her taken so suddenly away from you, it is rough on darling hubby too, but let me tell you this, if we have a cute adorable five-year-old now, we cannot do what we are doing now. We cannot grow as much as we are growing now (not growing fat, but growing up).
Darling hubby is growing up too, we are actually more mature and we are learning new things everyday, the meaning of what it truly means to be human.
It is simple, no religious incantations, no prayer, just one word: "ACCEPTANCE".
Remember how we used to ask: WHY? Why me? Why now? Why not?
Now I know why and I tell you this:
Everything happens for a reason. Whatever that happens, no matter how bad, it must be good. There is always hope in despair. Even when the going gets tough, the tough always get going. Yeah, I know, cliche but they are all TRUE!
Why are we still childless? The way I look at it, it is because we are meant to be serving this noble woman who have always put others before herself. How can we fully concentrate in caring for our beloved mother-in-law if we have a toddler or two towing along? We will feel bad if we neglect our kid(s) to care for an elderly, knowing our motherly instinct!
It is as if the jigsaw puzzle pieces are coming together and I can finally see the whole picture, mommy (yeah, we call her mommy now, we truly love her now, you know), mommy needs us to be by her side, and we are willing to be by her side and THANK GOODNESS we are childless now. It is a blessing in disguise. We are still in our early 30s, Sue, we can still try. Mommy needs us now. We shall be strong, child(ren) can wait.
It is a chance denied to many, to care for the elderly and repay all their love for us. I feel blessed, so hang in there. All will end well in the end. Have faith!
Yours lovingly,
Sue (Oct 27, 2012)
If you wish to read more, follow these in chronological order:
Since they are already published anyway, just sharing these if you have a few minutes to spare:
Read this first:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-yo
unger-self-tegami.html
All written from my heart.
1. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-first-letter-to-my-future-self-july.html
2. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/07/our-love-story-how-i-became-mrs-lee-in.html
3. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-younger-self-tegami.html
I admit I still have a lot to learn and I am still trying to improve on my manners, speech and thoughts. Sorry if I have offended anyone with my direct speech sometimes, and my hormonal emotional outbursts especially when I was younger and just newly married to the Lee family.
My reflection on mommy's illness started the second day after I found out (Dr Catherine told me at just before 5pm on Sept 5, 2012) - a snapshot of my 'journey' and what I have learned the past one month plus:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/spending-last-moments-together.html
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/in-fog-and-mist.html
Then I started to reflect and wrote this one: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/how-we-should-treat-elders.html
After we visited nenek in Sarawak, or when we decided to visit nenek in Sarawak:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/when-darkness-seemed-forever-first-ray.html
Then I reflected on the meaning of love and caring:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/love-and-attention.html
On my birthday this year I wrote this:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/2012-birthday-wish.html
Then hubby and I went for counselling at a Hospis (free of charge) and I was moved by this hanging on the wall:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/never-give-up.html
Then after mommy told me directly she isn't afraid of death, I wrote this:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/accepting-death.html
And finally my third letter above:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-younger-self-tegami.html
Monday, 20 August 2012
Guilin - Heaven on Earth
Hubby and I are on our honeymoon - yeah, again, and I have lost count of our trips together in the past five years of marriage.
We are in Guilin, China, and as I have not been to China since Internet became part of our daily life, my first and last trip to China (HK doesn't count) was when I was still a reporter with an English daily in Malaysia, that was even just before I physically 'met' my husband (we met online first you see) - you can read about our love story here.
Anyway, this is a scheduled post to keep to my resolution to blog at least once a day.
Why China? I know some of you think it is the least preferred destination (especially those of Chinese descent who are living out of China), but hey, Guilin is a Heaven on Earth!
Don't talk about all the other 'shortcomings' of China that you are so happy to harp on and give me that look - "Told you so", I've been to Guangzhou, the third largest city in China (if my memory serves me right, if not you may google to confirm) and Shenzhen (the closest city to HK and Macao) - I tell you, even nearly a decade ago, they are nothing like what people who never visited China usually envision - the facilities are superb and we even became adventurous and took public transportation there!!!
Some people's mentality are so narrow it's to the point of being ridiculous: This is like saying, don't talk to anyone you don't know and stay cooped up at home because strangers are dangerous. Oh, you may judge me back on this one as well. I don't mind. I don't have any aversion towards China, that's all.
This is hubby's first trip to China! He has been to HK on business trips (and with me for our first Disneyland experience - you can look up the label Disney if you are a Disney fan) - and this is our first trip to Guilin for the both of us. Yay!
We chose a package that includes a trip to the Rice Terraces (most ground tours skip the rice terraces as it is a bit too far from the city). Reviews say the rice terraces are one-of-a-kind and we just wish to see it!
Let the pictures do the talking. I tell you, Guilin is a Heaven on Earth, a pix can tell a thousand words so include a few, all grabbed online via google images search. End of post.
A quote from a youtube commenter:
"Actually, the photos don't even come close to expressing the beauty of Guilin. I spent 6 months in this enchanted place. My fiance is from Guilin and we plan to retire in Guilin to live out our golden years." ~ Cougaram
Related blogpost: This song, 山歌好比春江水, is a traditional folk song from Guilin, China, popularised by the legendary Liu Sanjie 刘三姐
We are in Guilin, China, and as I have not been to China since Internet became part of our daily life, my first and last trip to China (HK doesn't count) was when I was still a reporter with an English daily in Malaysia, that was even just before I physically 'met' my husband (we met online first you see) - you can read about our love story here.
Anyway, this is a scheduled post to keep to my resolution to blog at least once a day.
Why China? I know some of you think it is the least preferred destination (especially those of Chinese descent who are living out of China), but hey, Guilin is a Heaven on Earth!
Don't talk about all the other 'shortcomings' of China that you are so happy to harp on and give me that look - "Told you so", I've been to Guangzhou, the third largest city in China (if my memory serves me right, if not you may google to confirm) and Shenzhen (the closest city to HK and Macao) - I tell you, even nearly a decade ago, they are nothing like what people who never visited China usually envision - the facilities are superb and we even became adventurous and took public transportation there!!!
Some people's mentality are so narrow it's to the point of being ridiculous: This is like saying, don't talk to anyone you don't know and stay cooped up at home because strangers are dangerous. Oh, you may judge me back on this one as well. I don't mind. I don't have any aversion towards China, that's all.
This is hubby's first trip to China! He has been to HK on business trips (and with me for our first Disneyland experience - you can look up the label Disney if you are a Disney fan) - and this is our first trip to Guilin for the both of us. Yay!
We chose a package that includes a trip to the Rice Terraces (most ground tours skip the rice terraces as it is a bit too far from the city). Reviews say the rice terraces are one-of-a-kind and we just wish to see it!
Let the pictures do the talking. I tell you, Guilin is a Heaven on Earth, a pix can tell a thousand words so include a few, all grabbed online via google images search. End of post.
A quote from a youtube commenter:
"Actually, the photos don't even come close to expressing the beauty of Guilin. I spent 6 months in this enchanted place. My fiance is from Guilin and we plan to retire in Guilin to live out our golden years." ~ Cougaram
Related blogpost: This song, 山歌好比春江水, is a traditional folk song from Guilin, China, popularised by the legendary Liu Sanjie 刘三姐
Friday, 17 August 2012
Tell Me Why - Amazing Voices from Two Boys from China
I am like OMG!
The boys are barely 9 and 11 or maybe 12 in his video. Amazing, amazing talent from China!
I mean, every country has talents like this, so this is more in awe rather than being sour grape, so please no flaming! Youtube commenters can be very vicious at times.
Shut up and enjoy the music! *peace*
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Parents Nowadays
We cannot really blame parents nowadays. Only 15 years ago, a handphone/mobile phone is considered a luxury and now it is almost a necessity. Technology has changed so much the line between 'keeping up to date' and 'extravagance' has been blurred!
Kids as young as 18months has learned how to swipe to view pic of himself on an iPhone/iPad/any touch screen phone/tablets. No kidding.
Technology and modernization of living has led to many new emergences which our parents or grandparents never had to handle before - add 'parenting' into the equation and it just doesn't help the parents in determining the 'correct equation in parenting'.
In moments like this, when such thoughts come to mind, I sure am glad I don't have to deal with this right now, I am grateful for 'more time' to think about it and when we finally have our little bundle of joy, hopefully we would be 'ready' and would have worked out the equation. :)
Grabbed the pic below from fb. Photo credit stated in the image. Food for thought.
Kids as young as 18months has learned how to swipe to view pic of himself on an iPhone/iPad/any touch screen phone/tablets. No kidding.
Technology and modernization of living has led to many new emergences which our parents or grandparents never had to handle before - add 'parenting' into the equation and it just doesn't help the parents in determining the 'correct equation in parenting'.
In moments like this, when such thoughts come to mind, I sure am glad I don't have to deal with this right now, I am grateful for 'more time' to think about it and when we finally have our little bundle of joy, hopefully we would be 'ready' and would have worked out the equation. :)
Grabbed the pic below from fb. Photo credit stated in the image. Food for thought.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Our Love Story - How I became Mrs Lee in 2007
This is another personal blog post. If mushy/romantic stuff isn't for you, feel free to browse away or may I suggest to you a very angry blog post that is the total anti-thesis of romance HERE
I actually wrote a blog post of a similar nature on my Friendster Blog about five years ago in 2007, which has since closed down without notice, all the data just wiped out like that, all my precious blog posts, etc. Let's hope blogger won't suffer the same fate! Anyway, I digress.
If I have to sum up our romance in a phrase, it would be:
Your voice is like:
Music to the soul, music to my ears, music to my heart.
:-)
THE END: I became Mrs Lee
That is the short version of our love story.
Five years ago today, July 14, it was also a Saturday. Fancy the day actually 'repeated' five years later today. I thought it is supposed to be more than 10 years or something for the calendar to repeat.
It was the day where our courtship (dating relationship) as a dating couple ended in a series of wedding receptions. No kidding, THREE full wedding receptions to cover the legal, religious, ceremonial and traditional stuff - this is what happens when it is the LAST WEDDING OF THE GENERATION and THE FIRST WEDDING OF THE GENERATION.
We had our receptions - one each in three different states in Malaysia, one in April, two in July. So seriousy if you ask us when is our anniversary, I will ask you back, which one? Legal one, religious one, ceremonial one or traditional one?
I won't talk about my weddings. The wedding is only the end of courtship and the beginning of marriage.
I will talk about our LOVE STORY. #love Growing up, being brain-washed by Disney and fairy tales, I always believed in romance and love. It pains me that I have no boy friend when others have a special guy friend, I always asked if I am not cute enough, not attractive enough, not good enough, etc. Such were the growing pains.
Borrowing from the concept started in this particular blog post, I shall write a letter to myself, only this time, I am writing to my past-self.
Tegami by Angela Aki - If this doesn't play, Google up アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～ （歌詞 Lyrics） - Letter to my future self, a 15-year-old finds it hard to live and writes to her future self and she actually replied from the future and tells her to hang on.
I highly recommend you click on the play button above now, for effects.
WARNING: LONG LETTER TO SELF AHEAD
*******************************************************
Dear Sue from the past (before January 2012):
General Cover Letter:
I am not sure which past version of me will this letter reach so I shall write to each and every one of you, or rather, me, or maybe I will just refer to Sue as 'us' and 'we'.
Today is July 14, 2012. Yup, this is also the same era our favourite childhood movie by Michael J. Fox "Back to the Future" came from (Back to the Future II) - unfortunately there is no cool hoverboard that flies and no, we still never learned how to skate or roller-blade. I remembered that was our wish when we were still a little girl.
However, there is this amazing thing called the Internet - it is something like a totally different virtual world where real people interact with each other through various portals, on this thing we call computer, which has since evolved dramatically and we have these phones called mobile phones, yup, they are mobile, no, no, not the ones you see in black brief cases that men carry and take out to make phone calls, these are really small and now even small kids have them, technology has certainly changed and land lines are not exactly 'land' now with new technology. Anyway, all these are not important.
I have specific messages for each one of us starting from little Sue.
To little Sue in the 1980s-1990:
Hello little one,
We are just fine - I bet you didn't think that we'd live to be 30, or rather past 30, huh? Or maybe we did. We always had this crazy crushes with cute boys we see on TV or even in real life. Thanks to Disney, we always dream that one day our prince will really come, and we really hung on to that hope and were really excited when one of our dreams really came true -- in the form of dreams.
Oh, nearly 30 years on, yes, Sue, we are still a dreamer.
I mean literally a dreamer. We still remember our dreams. Dreams that occur when we were asleep. Remember how we had this 'to be continued' dream series back when we were in primary (elementary) school in the last 1980s? Fancy dreams having story line that continues and pick up from the previous night - we still have those now, but very rare and far in between - I sure hope we won't lose that special connection.
It goes without saying we still remember our dreams, still as vividly as ever. I think you would want to know what happens in the future right? I'm going to tell you in 'topics' so it will be easier for you to follow.
LOVE
Now, no point telling you the future dreams or else it will defeat the purpose, right? Let's talk about the dream that I know you already have at this age.
Do you recall this dream we had, where little kids our age - boys and girls - were paired up - a boy and a girl in a pair - and we were supposed to help each other cross the stream, not really a river, I remember it was more like a small stream. Do you remember our partner in the dream? Yup, the 'spoilt brat' who refused to lend us a hand in crossing the stream and we kept nagging him to the extent we behaved very un-ladylike in our favourite dress.
Do you remember his face? :-) I'd like to believe that I've married him. Unsmiling face, hair combed old-fashioned way to one side, on the chubby side, small eyes, typical Chinese boy. Dream on, in a positive way, and please make ALL THE MISTAKES in love, because without that, we will never meet this wonderful guy. For your age (less than 10) I think that's enough about love for now.
CHILDREN
I also have news to tell you, we have got this fervent (strong) dream to be a mother when we grew up, right? Well, well, don't worry so much about that dream - we have THREE 'free' kids as our godchildren now, two girls and a little boy. The two girls are related but the little boy is totally unrelated to the two girls. We became 'mummy' to these little girls pretty early! I won't spoil the surprise for you but just know that we finally became mummy and mama, although not in the way we expected.
How about our own children? Don't worry, I believe the time will come. We are still in our early 30s, and yes, we really love to have children to call our own, when playing with our dolls, Beautee and Reddie (oh I still have Beautee the teddy bear!) remember we always pretended they were our babies and we were thinking of how we are going to feed the babies and change their nappies. We will be a fine mother one day, we have three kids to 'practice' with now. When ours and only ours comes along, we will be totally ready for him or her. Don't worry so much little one.
SCHOOL
School is just fine. We will represent our school, represent our division (our district), and even represent our state at national level competition/contest - not sports though, I think you can figure out that much. We still hate to sweat or exercise but we still love books. Never lose sight of your studies, and yes, please follow your heart when choosing what to study next time. Make the same 'mistakes' and we should end up where I am at now. :-) What's our job now? I don't think it will make sense for you, little one, right about now. I have problem describing it to my two god daughters as well. Let's just say we are one very important person to many people at work. :-)
FRIENDS
Don't worry about making friends or if they don't want to be your friends. The world is so big out there, I tell you now, you can know hundreds and thousands of people you have not even met or will ever meet in real life, through this thing called the Internet.
Social life (friendship) will only get trickier after you turned 10, but don't worry so much about it, we have a great friend still very close to us, a friend we have known since we were 7. Won't tell you who she is. You will know when the time comes. So yes, we have many friends, they even help you 'count' your friends - my last count was nearly 2,000 friends. Yeah, that is like after 99, you get a 100, and after 999, you get a thousand, you just multiply that by 2!
I know this will be very overwhelming for you, dear little one, don't worry so much, and continue 'thinking' and wondering 'what ifs', but please don't let life break your soul.
Keep smiling always, little Sue.
I shall pretend I am recording an audio only-letter (voice only, no video) with a hard-copy of the letter & pix to my subsequent teen self for fun:
To teen Sue in 1990s:
Hello to the cutest girl I have ever known (we are still as narcisstic as ever),
Remember how we will get so cross (upset) when people call us cute and we always wonder why didn't anyone call us pretty? Now I know why, and I am not telling. *wink*
This was taken on our 16th birthday, how grumpy we looked in the pix! Oh, you are saying we look demure and cool in it, okay, whatever you say. And no, we don't look fat in the pix. No, no, no, you DON'T KNOW the meaning of fat yet, no, not in your teens.
Okay, you win, YOU ARE FAT, happy? - *end of argument with self and feels quite stupid trying to talk sense to a teenager* -
What do you mean the whole world 'owes' you an explanation? Hello girl, no one cares about your world, especially not in your secret code that you use in your diary, oh gosh, I can never forget those codes, and no one cares if you put on one pound or half a kg since yesterday, and no, you don't look fat, again, I repeat, you are not fat.
Okay, you ARE fat, you win, okay?
Are we still dancing in the future? Let's just say we are, but not on stage anymore. Enough said. Why? Oh, don't ask why. Sssssh. When was the last time we actually danced? Yesterday, why? What dance? You won't even know the song cos it is a current song, so quit asking so many irrelevant questions. And piano? Oh, oh yes, we still play it now. Just, treasure your piano now okay, take good care of Eterna, our beloved Yamaha piano.
You see what happens when you don't play the piano? The string tends to be cold even with the heater on and it tends to break. What do you mean you are lazy? You still have Grade 8 exam coming up in 1996, isn't it? Hello!!!
Now, now...!
Don't you wish to know which guy you married in the end?
*silence*
There, I got your attention. Listen to what I have to say first then I will tell you who.
Listen there,
I know we hated being a teen. We always felt that we areout-of-place more mature than our age and we just cannot get along well with our peers. Oh, what is peers, I forgot your English vocab is still so limited - it means people who are of the same age as us. What looking down on your English? It doesn't matter you always get the top marks (among the top three) in English in class I tell you, your English isn't that good in the 1990s. Geez, you even lost that trophy of Best English for the whole grade (Form) to Vincent, remember? Oh, it hasn't happen yet, this is not yet 1995? Okay. Ssssh. Listen to me.
Okay gorgeous, listen to me. If this isn't 1997 yet, here is a preview of how we will look like in February 1997:
AND THIS too:
While you are oggling at your own pix, I will continue with what I have to say - geez, I am finally reminded of how difficult I was as a teenager.
I want to give you some advices, in point form, since your attention span is too short:
1. DO NOT DEFY YOUR PARENTS - okay, I think you just shook that off your ears, never mind.
2. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, not everything is about you - okay, you still won't listen to me. Okay, okay, woe is me. You have the worst life in the universe, fine.
3. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, you may not still have what you are having now in the future - okay, you are still young, so you still are not listening and for the 10th time, YOU ARE NOT FAT, what do you mean your calves in the second pix look fat? I love that pink dress okay, I've been saving it till now, more than 10 years later! Okay, you don't care? Fine.
AND ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING!!!
4. NO ONE YOU LIKE NOW will be your husband, not even the pen pal you never met!
*can imagine glass shattering and thunder booming in the background*
I think I'd better end this letter now.
Take care, teen Sue.
Know that we were the best looking teen ever, smiling or unsmiling - peace:
-- end of letter for teen Sue --
If the song above has ended, feel free to press play on this one:
*I'd like to imagine myself teleporting to the early 2000s to talk to my younger self just for fun*
To my younger self (early 2000s)
Hello undergrad!
It was more than 12 years ago since I first stepped into the university as an undergrad.
Oh, the shadow that was looming back then? The heartbreak from our teens? Geez, that reminds me of how 'loyal' we were. You mean, oh, yeah, we are still 'loyal' now, just that, we know who to be loyal to now that we are older and more mature.
I tell you now, dear Sue, having had so many heartbreaks in such a short span of time, yeah, they are short, a few years is short, compared to a whole life time - I tell you now, heartbreaks and heartaches will only make you stronger, not kill you.
Once you are stronger, you will be very well-loved as you are more confident with yourself. I tell you, oh, you are munching on cookies again, Twisties this time? Okay, pass me some. It really soothes a broken heart huh, munching and munching. Hence the explanation why I look like this now. *points to future present self*
What do you mean no one will love you?
Look at me, I am fat, I am definitely more than a few pounds overweight but I am loved and I feel loved, and I am very much capable of loving. Be at peace with yourself girl, and stop torturing yourself mentally.
Oh, is this year 2002-2003 yet? Let me tell you something girl, before the most beautiful rainbow appear, there will be rain and sometimes storm, right? Know that after 2003, our rainbow will appear and never go away for the longest time, hopefully till the end of time.
I know, cos I come from the future.
Is our husband anyone we know now... erm, if this is before mid-2003, nope.
But that shouldn't stop you from dating. Go out and date, such social experiences enrich our lives, just play safe and be safe when going out with strangers from the Internet okay?
Don't worry about our career - I think our love life is more messed up than our career, just follow your heart and do whatever we want!!! Yeah~ gimme five.
~Ciao~
-- end of letter to early 20s Sue --
To my dating self (2003-2006)
Hello there!
No, you are not fat, you are thinner than how you will be in the future. hahahaha, laughs at self.
Who cares anyway, right? We've found a boyfriend! Oh, he is a keeper for sure!!!
If this is 2003, you are just out from a relationship, and nursing a broken heart, right? Yet another failure you say? Nah, it's just one of life's trials. We will go through it just fine.
What is the month now? Do you remember the guy who kept appearing at the top of your list on that online dating site we registered with just for fun? No, not the Korean guy or the Caucasian, the Chinese one - the Malaysian.
OH, you know him already by now? Did he email you? He did? lol, sssh, a secret on how to go past the 'paid membership' and him contacting us. *giggles*
Just a reminder that he is a real gentleman, okay, he never once asked us to forget about the ex, he even advised us to give that stupid ex a chance and listen to his side of the story when he knew we might have a chance together. He isn't selfish, that is for sure!
However, there is nothing we can do, that ex is our ex, and let him be. No more in our life, we can close that chapter now. We have got this 'new' guy now *giggles*
Oh, his voice is really musical isn't it? He actually held a concert for only you over the phone? Yeah, he has the nicest voice, the most handsome and soothing voice ever, if you can call a voice handsome.
'I knew I love you before I met you' rings true for us with this guy, huh? Loving someone before meeting him in real life.
Oh, is it 2004 already?
We finally became what we wanted to become, right? To meet people and do what we love most, to write, and get paid for it - we have been a journalist or reporter for the second year by now. And yes, we have uprooted from Borneo to Peninsular Malaysia including our cars across South China Sea, with our family trailing along. Yes, Sue, we are powerful, we moved the whole family over! muahahaha.
Have we met that guy yet? We have? Finally in person? Oh, by the road side!
The Internet is known as the Information Highway, hence meeting him via the Internet and finally in real life is like meeting him by the road side?
Yeah, literally by the road side near the traffic light. I got picked up by my future husband in his car by the road side.
Oh, mama is asking us to pursue our Masters while working? Go ahead and earn the Masters, it will come in handy. Don't worry about no time for dating, this sweet guy will still be there at the end of the two years.
Wedding plans? Don't worry about the pressure from our potential-in-laws - mama has her ways to put off the wedding date until after our Masters graduation.
We will be traditionally engaged first in 2006. Oh, just had our engagement now haven't we? This is the thinnest we have been in 5 years, hahaha.
Then we will have our wedding in 2007, you already know about that, okay, I can leave now. Bye!!!
-- end of conversation with dating self --
To my married self (5, 4, 3, 2 years ago) - saving a letter to my 2011 self in another blog post another time
One word - growth.
We are all still growing and growing with each passing moment. Embrace the moment and grow together with your man. Nothing is too difficult when you have each other by your side. There will be ups and down, and married life isn't always easy, but when it is shared, it is true that love will make it all worth while in the end.
Look at what we have and not what we lack, and the world will seem to be a more beautiful place.
-- end --
So today, after five short years together as husband and wife, I'd like to wish us happiness and joy.
Happy Anniversary to us, and may we live to a ripe old age together, side by side, happily and peacefully. May we grow old together, happily married like our grandparents before us, happy to say there is not a single divorce in our family so far, not as far as older generation is concerned anyway.
May we look forward (pun intended to coincide with the pose in the pix above) to many more years together in the future, happily married to each other.
I am proud to be Mrs Lee. :) I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me very much too.
It is true when they say words alone cannot truly describe this emotion called love, and I consider myself long-winded and wordy. I will be lying if I say I can truly fully put into words just how much love I am feeling right now. It is simply too overwhelming and 'deep'. No fireworks, no sparks, no adrenaline rush that young love used to get at the beginning of infatuation stage. It is more of a 'peaceful' love, more like "I am finally at home" love. Still that does NOT really describe this feeling called love. SO Sue, you fail big time, you cannot describe LOVE!
P/S: A brief insight of how much he loves me can be found in the comment section in this particular blog post
I actually wrote a blog post of a similar nature on my Friendster Blog about five years ago in 2007, which has since closed down without notice, all the data just wiped out like that, all my precious blog posts, etc. Let's hope blogger won't suffer the same fate! Anyway, I digress.
If I have to sum up our romance in a phrase, it would be:
Your voice is like:
Music to the soul, music to my ears, music to my heart.
:-)
THE END: I became Mrs Lee
That is the short version of our love story.
Five years ago today, July 14, it was also a Saturday. Fancy the day actually 'repeated' five years later today. I thought it is supposed to be more than 10 years or something for the calendar to repeat.
It was the day where our courtship (dating relationship) as a dating couple ended in a series of wedding receptions. No kidding, THREE full wedding receptions to cover the legal, religious, ceremonial and traditional stuff - this is what happens when it is the LAST WEDDING OF THE GENERATION and THE FIRST WEDDING OF THE GENERATION.
We had our receptions - one each in three different states in Malaysia, one in April, two in July. So seriousy if you ask us when is our anniversary, I will ask you back, which one? Legal one, religious one, ceremonial one or traditional one?
I won't talk about my weddings. The wedding is only the end of courtship and the beginning of marriage.
I will talk about our LOVE STORY. #love Growing up, being brain-washed by Disney and fairy tales, I always believed in romance and love. It pains me that I have no boy friend when others have a special guy friend, I always asked if I am not cute enough, not attractive enough, not good enough, etc. Such were the growing pains.
Borrowing from the concept started in this particular blog post, I shall write a letter to myself, only this time, I am writing to my past-self.
Tegami by Angela Aki - If this doesn't play, Google up アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～ （歌詞 Lyrics） - Letter to my future self, a 15-year-old finds it hard to live and writes to her future self and she actually replied from the future and tells her to hang on.
I highly recommend you click on the play button above now, for effects.
WARNING: LONG LETTER TO SELF AHEAD
*******************************************************
Dear Sue from the past (before January 2012):
General Cover Letter:
I am not sure which past version of me will this letter reach so I shall write to each and every one of you, or rather, me, or maybe I will just refer to Sue as 'us' and 'we'.
Today is July 14, 2012. Yup, this is also the same era our favourite childhood movie by Michael J. Fox "Back to the Future" came from (Back to the Future II) - unfortunately there is no cool hoverboard that flies and no, we still never learned how to skate or roller-blade. I remembered that was our wish when we were still a little girl.
However, there is this amazing thing called the Internet - it is something like a totally different virtual world where real people interact with each other through various portals, on this thing we call computer, which has since evolved dramatically and we have these phones called mobile phones, yup, they are mobile, no, no, not the ones you see in black brief cases that men carry and take out to make phone calls, these are really small and now even small kids have them, technology has certainly changed and land lines are not exactly 'land' now with new technology. Anyway, all these are not important.
I have specific messages for each one of us starting from little Sue.
To little Sue in the 1980s-1990:
Hello little one,
We are just fine - I bet you didn't think that we'd live to be 30, or rather past 30, huh? Or maybe we did. We always had this crazy crushes with cute boys we see on TV or even in real life. Thanks to Disney, we always dream that one day our prince will really come, and we really hung on to that hope and were really excited when one of our dreams really came true -- in the form of dreams.
Oh, nearly 30 years on, yes, Sue, we are still a dreamer.
I mean literally a dreamer. We still remember our dreams. Dreams that occur when we were asleep. Remember how we had this 'to be continued' dream series back when we were in primary (elementary) school in the last 1980s? Fancy dreams having story line that continues and pick up from the previous night - we still have those now, but very rare and far in between - I sure hope we won't lose that special connection.
It goes without saying we still remember our dreams, still as vividly as ever. I think you would want to know what happens in the future right? I'm going to tell you in 'topics' so it will be easier for you to follow.
LOVE
Now, no point telling you the future dreams or else it will defeat the purpose, right? Let's talk about the dream that I know you already have at this age.
Do you recall this dream we had, where little kids our age - boys and girls - were paired up - a boy and a girl in a pair - and we were supposed to help each other cross the stream, not really a river, I remember it was more like a small stream. Do you remember our partner in the dream? Yup, the 'spoilt brat' who refused to lend us a hand in crossing the stream and we kept nagging him to the extent we behaved very un-ladylike in our favourite dress.
Do you remember his face? :-) I'd like to believe that I've married him. Unsmiling face, hair combed old-fashioned way to one side, on the chubby side, small eyes, typical Chinese boy. Dream on, in a positive way, and please make ALL THE MISTAKES in love, because without that, we will never meet this wonderful guy. For your age (less than 10) I think that's enough about love for now.
CHILDREN
I also have news to tell you, we have got this fervent (strong) dream to be a mother when we grew up, right? Well, well, don't worry so much about that dream - we have THREE 'free' kids as our godchildren now, two girls and a little boy. The two girls are related but the little boy is totally unrelated to the two girls. We became 'mummy' to these little girls pretty early! I won't spoil the surprise for you but just know that we finally became mummy and mama, although not in the way we expected.
How about our own children? Don't worry, I believe the time will come. We are still in our early 30s, and yes, we really love to have children to call our own, when playing with our dolls, Beautee and Reddie (oh I still have Beautee the teddy bear!) remember we always pretended they were our babies and we were thinking of how we are going to feed the babies and change their nappies. We will be a fine mother one day, we have three kids to 'practice' with now. When ours and only ours comes along, we will be totally ready for him or her. Don't worry so much little one.
SCHOOL
School is just fine. We will represent our school, represent our division (our district), and even represent our state at national level competition/contest - not sports though, I think you can figure out that much. We still hate to sweat or exercise but we still love books. Never lose sight of your studies, and yes, please follow your heart when choosing what to study next time. Make the same 'mistakes' and we should end up where I am at now. :-) What's our job now? I don't think it will make sense for you, little one, right about now. I have problem describing it to my two god daughters as well. Let's just say we are one very important person to many people at work. :-)
FRIENDS
Don't worry about making friends or if they don't want to be your friends. The world is so big out there, I tell you now, you can know hundreds and thousands of people you have not even met or will ever meet in real life, through this thing called the Internet.
Social life (friendship) will only get trickier after you turned 10, but don't worry so much about it, we have a great friend still very close to us, a friend we have known since we were 7. Won't tell you who she is. You will know when the time comes. So yes, we have many friends, they even help you 'count' your friends - my last count was nearly 2,000 friends. Yeah, that is like after 99, you get a 100, and after 999, you get a thousand, you just multiply that by 2!
I know this will be very overwhelming for you, dear little one, don't worry so much, and continue 'thinking' and wondering 'what ifs', but please don't let life break your soul.
Keep smiling always, little Sue.
I shall pretend I am recording an audio only-letter (voice only, no video) with a hard-copy of the letter & pix to my subsequent teen self for fun:
To teen Sue in 1990s:
Hello to the cutest girl I have ever known (we are still as narcisstic as ever),
Remember how we will get so cross (upset) when people call us cute and we always wonder why didn't anyone call us pretty? Now I know why, and I am not telling. *wink*
This was taken on our 16th birthday, how grumpy we looked in the pix! Oh, you are saying we look demure and cool in it, okay, whatever you say. And no, we don't look fat in the pix. No, no, no, you DON'T KNOW the meaning of fat yet, no, not in your teens.
Okay, you win, YOU ARE FAT, happy? - *end of argument with self and feels quite stupid trying to talk sense to a teenager* -
What do you mean the whole world 'owes' you an explanation? Hello girl, no one cares about your world, especially not in your secret code that you use in your diary, oh gosh, I can never forget those codes, and no one cares if you put on one pound or half a kg since yesterday, and no, you don't look fat, again, I repeat, you are not fat.
Okay, you ARE fat, you win, okay?
Are we still dancing in the future? Let's just say we are, but not on stage anymore. Enough said. Why? Oh, don't ask why. Sssssh. When was the last time we actually danced? Yesterday, why? What dance? You won't even know the song cos it is a current song, so quit asking so many irrelevant questions. And piano? Oh, oh yes, we still play it now. Just, treasure your piano now okay, take good care of Eterna, our beloved Yamaha piano.
Now, now...!
Don't you wish to know which guy you married in the end?
*silence*
There, I got your attention. Listen to what I have to say first then I will tell you who.
Listen there,
I know we hated being a teen. We always felt that we are
Okay gorgeous, listen to me. If this isn't 1997 yet, here is a preview of how we will look like in February 1997:
AND THIS too:
While you are oggling at your own pix, I will continue with what I have to say - geez, I am finally reminded of how difficult I was as a teenager.
I want to give you some advices, in point form, since your attention span is too short:
1. DO NOT DEFY YOUR PARENTS - okay, I think you just shook that off your ears, never mind.
2. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, not everything is about you - okay, you still won't listen to me. Okay, okay, woe is me. You have the worst life in the universe, fine.
3. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, you may not still have what you are having now in the future - okay, you are still young, so you still are not listening and for the 10th time, YOU ARE NOT FAT, what do you mean your calves in the second pix look fat? I love that pink dress okay, I've been saving it till now, more than 10 years later! Okay, you don't care? Fine.
AND ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING!!!
4. NO ONE YOU LIKE NOW will be your husband, not even the pen pal you never met!
*can imagine glass shattering and thunder booming in the background*
I think I'd better end this letter now.
Take care, teen Sue.
Know that we were the best looking teen ever, smiling or unsmiling - peace:
-- end of letter for teen Sue --
If the song above has ended, feel free to press play on this one:
*I'd like to imagine myself teleporting to the early 2000s to talk to my younger self just for fun*
To my younger self (early 2000s)
Hello undergrad!
It was more than 12 years ago since I first stepped into the university as an undergrad.
Oh, the shadow that was looming back then? The heartbreak from our teens? Geez, that reminds me of how 'loyal' we were. You mean, oh, yeah, we are still 'loyal' now, just that, we know who to be loyal to now that we are older and more mature.
I tell you now, dear Sue, having had so many heartbreaks in such a short span of time, yeah, they are short, a few years is short, compared to a whole life time - I tell you now, heartbreaks and heartaches will only make you stronger, not kill you.
Once you are stronger, you will be very well-loved as you are more confident with yourself. I tell you, oh, you are munching on cookies again, Twisties this time? Okay, pass me some. It really soothes a broken heart huh, munching and munching. Hence the explanation why I look like this now. *points to future present self*
What do you mean no one will love you?
Look at me, I am fat, I am definitely more than a few pounds overweight but I am loved and I feel loved, and I am very much capable of loving. Be at peace with yourself girl, and stop torturing yourself mentally.
Oh, is this year 2002-2003 yet? Let me tell you something girl, before the most beautiful rainbow appear, there will be rain and sometimes storm, right? Know that after 2003, our rainbow will appear and never go away for the longest time, hopefully till the end of time.
I know, cos I come from the future.
Is our husband anyone we know now... erm, if this is before mid-2003, nope.
But that shouldn't stop you from dating. Go out and date, such social experiences enrich our lives, just play safe and be safe when going out with strangers from the Internet okay?
Don't worry about our career - I think our love life is more messed up than our career, just follow your heart and do whatever we want!!! Yeah~ gimme five.
~Ciao~
-- end of letter to early 20s Sue --
To my dating self (2003-2006)
Hello there!
No, you are not fat, you are thinner than how you will be in the future. hahahaha, laughs at self.
Who cares anyway, right? We've found a boyfriend! Oh, he is a keeper for sure!!!
If this is 2003, you are just out from a relationship, and nursing a broken heart, right? Yet another failure you say? Nah, it's just one of life's trials. We will go through it just fine.
What is the month now? Do you remember the guy who kept appearing at the top of your list on that online dating site we registered with just for fun? No, not the Korean guy or the Caucasian, the Chinese one - the Malaysian.
OH, you know him already by now? Did he email you? He did? lol, sssh, a secret on how to go past the 'paid membership' and him contacting us. *giggles*
Just a reminder that he is a real gentleman, okay, he never once asked us to forget about the ex, he even advised us to give that stupid ex a chance and listen to his side of the story when he knew we might have a chance together. He isn't selfish, that is for sure!
However, there is nothing we can do, that ex is our ex, and let him be. No more in our life, we can close that chapter now. We have got this 'new' guy now *giggles*
Oh, his voice is really musical isn't it? He actually held a concert for only you over the phone? Yeah, he has the nicest voice, the most handsome and soothing voice ever, if you can call a voice handsome.
'I knew I love you before I met you' rings true for us with this guy, huh? Loving someone before meeting him in real life.
Oh, is it 2004 already?
We finally became what we wanted to become, right? To meet people and do what we love most, to write, and get paid for it - we have been a journalist or reporter for the second year by now. And yes, we have uprooted from Borneo to Peninsular Malaysia including our cars across South China Sea, with our family trailing along. Yes, Sue, we are powerful, we moved the whole family over! muahahaha.
Have we met that guy yet? We have? Finally in person? Oh, by the road side!
The Internet is known as the Information Highway, hence meeting him via the Internet and finally in real life is like meeting him by the road side?
Yeah, literally by the road side near the traffic light. I got picked up by my future husband in his car by the road side.
Oh, mama is asking us to pursue our Masters while working? Go ahead and earn the Masters, it will come in handy. Don't worry about no time for dating, this sweet guy will still be there at the end of the two years.
Wedding plans? Don't worry about the pressure from our potential-in-laws - mama has her ways to put off the wedding date until after our Masters graduation.
We will be traditionally engaged first in 2006. Oh, just had our engagement now haven't we? This is the thinnest we have been in 5 years, hahaha.
Then we will have our wedding in 2007, you already know about that, okay, I can leave now. Bye!!!
-- end of conversation with dating self --
To my married self (5, 4, 3, 2 years ago) - saving a letter to my 2011 self in another blog post another time
One word - growth.
We are all still growing and growing with each passing moment. Embrace the moment and grow together with your man. Nothing is too difficult when you have each other by your side. There will be ups and down, and married life isn't always easy, but when it is shared, it is true that love will make it all worth while in the end.
Look at what we have and not what we lack, and the world will seem to be a more beautiful place.
-- end --
So today, after five short years together as husband and wife, I'd like to wish us happiness and joy.
Happy Anniversary to us, and may we live to a ripe old age together, side by side, happily and peacefully. May we grow old together, happily married like our grandparents before us, happy to say there is not a single divorce in our family so far, not as far as older generation is concerned anyway.
I am proud to be Mrs Lee. :) I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me very much too.
It is true when they say words alone cannot truly describe this emotion called love, and I consider myself long-winded and wordy. I will be lying if I say I can truly fully put into words just how much love I am feeling right now. It is simply too overwhelming and 'deep'. No fireworks, no sparks, no adrenaline rush that young love used to get at the beginning of infatuation stage. It is more of a 'peaceful' love, more like "I am finally at home" love. Still that does NOT really describe this feeling called love. SO Sue, you fail big time, you cannot describe LOVE!
P/S: A brief insight of how much he loves me can be found in the comment section in this particular blog post
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
FAMILY - The nucleus of every society
I love the photograph above which I have grabbed online, author/photographer unknown. The fingers/palm of the mother are similar to mine, chubby and stubby. :-) This is part of my visualisation in my daily reflection and hope that one day, our family of two will be three. Gotta keep the positive thoughts/feelings flowing!
This, and many other things and support I am grateful for in life at the moment kept me going in this journey of TTC (trying to conceive).
F- Father
A- and
M- Mother
I- I
L- Love
Y- You
We are not parents ourselves yet but hubby and I are lucky in the sense that we both have loving parents, complete sets, still alive and well. Not many have that privilege of having both sets of parents alive, and that is indeed a blessing.
We have to keep reminding ourselves not to lose sight of what we have in front of/beside us in pursuit of something we hope to gain but do not have yet. I guess 'letting go' is the start of a new beginning. My resolution is I shall resolve to not hold on too tightly to my 'goal' and live more in the present moment.
Come what may. Take a deep breath and have faith that everything will be alright in the end. Baby dust to all TTC couples.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Fraud - Cheating & Playing on desperate people's feelings
Don't be cheated, no matter how desperately you wish for a baby to adopt!
I saw the advertisement on one of the pages online, and copied the whole ad (sob story of unpaid rent and no money for doctor check-ups worth a few K) and wrote an email to this supposedly 'pregnant girl', though I do suspect she is actually a 'he' and the pregnant mother never existed.
The ad was posted on July 2, 2012. I emailed on July 9, 2012. I got a reply 5 hours later. For someone who has no money, it is amazing they still have internet access, eh?
I was feeling quite down and the No.1 thing that I am hoping for most fervently as those who have been following my blog for quite some time would know, yes, is to have my own child. My hormones have settled down after a few hours (yeah, my 'down time' lasts only several hours at most) and now my rational mind is trying to make sense of the story. It is obviously a case where RM8k is the 'minimum' price to pay UPFRONT!
There is no guarantee there is a baby in the end. You can kiss your RM8k good bye the moment you believe in it and pass the money to this guy, with pregnant mother or otherwise.
So please, don't commit by paying up front payments, it is considered buying and selling if you do that, you are only encouraging fraud and baby trafficking, so please, be patient, go through proper channel and yes, wish and hope and pray if you believe in the power of prayers.
In one of my 'down times' when the hormones surged too high or dipped too low, which doesn't happen that much lately, the maternal instinct tugged and pulled inside me, hence I went online and keyed in various keywords, looking for Baby For Adoption/Child For Adoption.
I looked on with envy when I see Americans (US citizens) are provided with International adoption agencies and even our neighbouring Singapore has their own adoption agency (which also caters for international adoption!), as compared to Malaysia - there is no official adoption agency, only the Social Welfare Department and the only baby hatch in Malaysia, Orphancare (orphancare.org).
The rest who help unwed mothers like shelters by various non-governmental organisations (NGO) does not make adoption their main priority, most of the girls chose to raise their babies after giving birth and only a small percentage gives up their baby for adoption.
However, there is a page on facebook that is started by a good soul to save unwanted babies from infanticide, there are many cases of baby dumping, most of the babies did not survive and it is the saddest thing for many to see the news reporting yet another baby dumping case. In this part of the world, it is still a social stigma for unmarried woman to be pregnant. To help save these innocent souls, Anak Angkat Untuk Dibela (AAUD) was started by a group of admin who worked closely with the Social Welfare Department (Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat) and they cater only to Malaysians who are Muslims.
I am a non-Muslim, and I don't qualify even though I am a Malaysian, so why am I highlighting them? In Malaysia, a non-Muslim adult can only adopt a non-Muslim child up to the age of 18. A Muslim adult/couple can adopt both Muslim and non-Muslim children, to protect the sanctity of Islam as the official religion of Malaysia. It's part of the constitution hence we are known as an Islamic country, but not all Malaysians are Muslims nor Malays, which is the common misconception of the world towards Malaysia.
Anyway, I digress. I feel that such a good cause is worth highlighting. On the basis of saving innocent lives and giving joy to potential parents who are really hoping and wishing for a child to love. Thumbs up for such a noble cause!
I know that the Indian community have their own private NGO, Christian-missionary-related shelters for girls, and Buddhist Welfare Homes and Shelters are available but the wait list for adoption, which isn't their main priority is very long.
We made it to a waiting list of one of those and it has been over a year, and still waiting. Someone we know have been on the wait list for years and in the end, they opted for private adoption (de facto adoption) where they deal directly with the birth mother.
Congratulations to adoptive parents who finally have a bundle of joy to call their own.
To all those who are still hoping and wishing, like me, just keep in mind that in our 'desperation' for a baby, do not fall prey to cheaters or those who are just out to fleece you of your hard earned money. Remember if they are sincere (ikhlas in BM), they will not rob you in broad daylight because raising a child is not cheap nowadays - milk formula, diapers, insurance, education, etc. If they are thinking for the good of their baby, they will not act so unreasonably. If they are, either they are really selfish or they mean to make 'profit' from the 'transaction' - that is when it becomes baby trafficking, and it is illegal.
Food for thought.
I saw the advertisement on one of the pages online, and copied the whole ad (sob story of unpaid rent and no money for doctor check-ups worth a few K) and wrote an email to this supposedly 'pregnant girl', though I do suspect she is actually a 'he' and the pregnant mother never existed.
The ad was posted on July 2, 2012. I emailed on July 9, 2012. I got a reply 5 hours later. For someone who has no money, it is amazing they still have internet access, eh?
I was feeling quite down and the No.1 thing that I am hoping for most fervently as those who have been following my blog for quite some time would know, yes, is to have my own child. My hormones have settled down after a few hours (yeah, my 'down time' lasts only several hours at most) and now my rational mind is trying to make sense of the story. It is obviously a case where RM8k is the 'minimum' price to pay UPFRONT!
There is no guarantee there is a baby in the end. You can kiss your RM8k good bye the moment you believe in it and pass the money to this guy, with pregnant mother or otherwise.
So please, don't commit by paying up front payments, it is considered buying and selling if you do that, you are only encouraging fraud and baby trafficking, so please, be patient, go through proper channel and yes, wish and hope and pray if you believe in the power of prayers.
In one of my 'down times' when the hormones surged too high or dipped too low, which doesn't happen that much lately, the maternal instinct tugged and pulled inside me, hence I went online and keyed in various keywords, looking for Baby For Adoption/Child For Adoption.
I looked on with envy when I see Americans (US citizens) are provided with International adoption agencies and even our neighbouring Singapore has their own adoption agency (which also caters for international adoption!), as compared to Malaysia - there is no official adoption agency, only the Social Welfare Department and the only baby hatch in Malaysia, Orphancare (orphancare.org).
The rest who help unwed mothers like shelters by various non-governmental organisations (NGO) does not make adoption their main priority, most of the girls chose to raise their babies after giving birth and only a small percentage gives up their baby for adoption.
However, there is a page on facebook that is started by a good soul to save unwanted babies from infanticide, there are many cases of baby dumping, most of the babies did not survive and it is the saddest thing for many to see the news reporting yet another baby dumping case. In this part of the world, it is still a social stigma for unmarried woman to be pregnant. To help save these innocent souls, Anak Angkat Untuk Dibela (AAUD) was started by a group of admin who worked closely with the Social Welfare Department (Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat) and they cater only to Malaysians who are Muslims.
I am a non-Muslim, and I don't qualify even though I am a Malaysian, so why am I highlighting them? In Malaysia, a non-Muslim adult can only adopt a non-Muslim child up to the age of 18. A Muslim adult/couple can adopt both Muslim and non-Muslim children, to protect the sanctity of Islam as the official religion of Malaysia. It's part of the constitution hence we are known as an Islamic country, but not all Malaysians are Muslims nor Malays, which is the common misconception of the world towards Malaysia.
Anyway, I digress. I feel that such a good cause is worth highlighting. On the basis of saving innocent lives and giving joy to potential parents who are really hoping and wishing for a child to love. Thumbs up for such a noble cause!
I know that the Indian community have their own private NGO, Christian-missionary-related shelters for girls, and Buddhist Welfare Homes and Shelters are available but the wait list for adoption, which isn't their main priority is very long.
We made it to a waiting list of one of those and it has been over a year, and still waiting. Someone we know have been on the wait list for years and in the end, they opted for private adoption (de facto adoption) where they deal directly with the birth mother.
Congratulations to adoptive parents who finally have a bundle of joy to call their own.
To all those who are still hoping and wishing, like me, just keep in mind that in our 'desperation' for a baby, do not fall prey to cheaters or those who are just out to fleece you of your hard earned money. Remember if they are sincere (ikhlas in BM), they will not rob you in broad daylight because raising a child is not cheap nowadays - milk formula, diapers, insurance, education, etc. If they are thinking for the good of their baby, they will not act so unreasonably. If they are, either they are really selfish or they mean to make 'profit' from the 'transaction' - that is when it becomes baby trafficking, and it is illegal.
Food for thought.
Monday, 9 July 2012
Old Wives Tale? - That time of the month for women
Foreword: This is a blog post targeted at female and only females. Consider yourself warned, guys.
Ladies,
Unless you don't have a womb/uterus, in your 'child bearing years', we will usually have that inevitable month visit by our 'favourite aunt', hence the term AV (Auntie Visit), and many other variations of the Monthly Period (MP).
Of course there are exceptions to the monthly AV,
1. The girl hasn't come of age (nowadays girls as young as 8 starts menstruating)
2. Hormonal imbalance
3. Menopause
4. Pregnancy (yay! for me anyway as I'm trying to conceive)
5. removal/absence of womb
A young female is said to have reached menarche when she has her first menstrual cycle begin with the excretion of blood from her womb.
Quoted from wikipedia.org
Menarche is the culmination of a series of physiological and anatomic processes of puberty:
Attainment of a sufficient body mass (typically 17% body fat).
Disinhibition of the GnRH pulse generator in the arcuate nucleus of the hypothalamus
Secretion of estrogen by the ovaries in response to pituitary hormones.
Over an interval of about 2 to 3 years, estrogen stimulates growth of the uterus (as well as height growth, breast growth, widening of the pelvis, and increased regional adipose tissue).
Estrogen stimulates growth and vascularity of the endometrium, the lining of the uterus.
Fluctuations of hormone levels can result in changes of adequacy of blood supply to parts of the endometrium.
Death of some of the endometrial tissue from these hormone or blood supply fluctuations leads to deciduation, a sloughing of part of the lining with some blood flow from the vagina.
A specific hormonal signal for menarche is not known; menarche as a discrete event is thought to be the relatively chance result of the gradual thickening of the endometrium induced by rising but fluctuating pubertal estrogen.
The menstruum, or "flow," consists of a combination of fresh and clotted blood with endometrial tissue. The initial flow of menarche is usually brighter red than mature menstrual flow. It is often scanty in amount and may be very brief, even a single instance of "spotting." Like other menses, menarche may be accompanied by abdominal cramping.
Now this is a very interesting read on wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstruation_and_the_origins_of_culture
Anyway, I am digressing.
Old wives tale as far as AV is concerned varies from culture to culture.
In Eastern/Asian culture, traditionally menstrual blood is treated as 'dirty' and 'filthy' and the implication of that perception is that women are severely restricted in their actions and freedom in daily life, traditionally of course.
Here are some random Old Wives Tales (OWT) I had been exposed to in the past - I won't say I agree with all of them, just sharing them and up to you to decide if there is any truth in these OWT:
(A) Well-being of the female herself -
1. Do not drink or consume icy drink/food, best if not chilled - warm food/drink are recommended during that time of the month. It is said that the 'cold' things we put into our bodies will result in blood clots and causes cramps, or in extreme cases, stop the menstrual flow for awhile then when it flows again, sometimes after a few days, it will come with a vengeance, painful cramps.
2. Avoid consuming acidic food, especially sour-tasting food like preserved plums prior to your AV. By 'prior', it can mean up to a week before your first day of MP. This is supposed to cause even more cramps and pain or sometimes even more bleeding.
3. Avoid washing your hair when you are menstruating.
By that, some even go to the extent of avoiding cold bath water or cold shower and only bathe with hot/warm water, careful not to wet their hair. The reason being it will 'stop' the menstrual flow as the temple of your head is like the main point in Eastern traditional medicine that affects your bodily function.
However I think the philosophy is that the female is 'weak' when she is losing blood hence this is supposed to 'protect' her from the cold energy from being transferred into her body. The Yin (cold) and Yang (hot). Doesn't apply to me as my "energy" is all messed up due to too much Western medical intervention in my attempt to conceive.
4. Eat 'warm' food, and food that encourages blood circulation towards the end of your MP to 'flush out' the remaining 'dirty blood'. Example of 'warm' food are anything cooked with ginger, including home-made ginger wine, even ginger tea (they even have it in packets/granules) is supposed to help ease the cramps and ease the flow of MP.
5. Keep your lower belly and your lower back warm. That is supposed to keep the blood circulation smooth and will ease your cramps.
And there are many more Food/drink you may or may not consume before, during and after your MP. End of well-being part.
(B) Taboo during MP
1. Females are considered 'unlucky' during that time of the month and should separately carry on her daily tasks and do not have any physical contact, especially with the males. So no intercourse during MP.
2. They cannot touch scared stuff on the altar of the ancestors are they are considered 'impure' during MP. Most Asian cultures forbid them from entering sacred worship places. Buddhism however, DOES NOT hold this belief and only treat this as a natural monthly phenomenon of excretion from female body. It is more of a cultural taboo and not a religious restriction.
3. Some cultures have some kind of practice in disposing the used sanitary towels/pads/napkins - some ethnic culture dictates that female must wash the towels clean before disposing of them and some do not wash them but just add some table salt in it before throwing them away.
Some even go to the extent of scaring young girls by saying some ghosts and evil spirits feed on menstrual blood and if they don't have enough, they will trace back to you by the scent of your blood and appear before you. I think the rationale behind this is hygiene. The rubbish/garbage disposal wasn't as efficient in the yester years hence washing the pads is a practice ingrained from the previous generation who used cloth pads/towels which are reusable before the advent of those with adhesive.
EVOLVING SANITARY PAD or TOWELS or NAPKINS
The sanitary pad/towels have evolved rapidly over the last 50 years. However, due to the disposable nature of the mass production catered to the majority of females, the traditional cloth sanitary pads are seeing a reemergence with their better and improved versions compared to their predecessors - the start up kit does cost a bomb, last I checked.
Despite them costing a bomb, I guess if you care about the environment and do not wish to contribute to more waste, going green and going back to natural towels/pads is the way to go... I just am not that 'moved' to purchase it yet. Don't flame me please.
I am not sure of old wives tales in other non-East Asian cultures. I welcome sharing/comments. Till the next month, hang in there, ladies!!
Ladies,
Unless you don't have a womb/uterus, in your 'child bearing years', we will usually have that inevitable month visit by our 'favourite aunt', hence the term AV (Auntie Visit), and many other variations of the Monthly Period (MP).
Of course there are exceptions to the monthly AV,
1. The girl hasn't come of age (nowadays girls as young as 8 starts menstruating)
2. Hormonal imbalance
3. Menopause
4. Pregnancy (yay! for me anyway as I'm trying to conceive)
5. removal/absence of womb
A young female is said to have reached menarche when she has her first menstrual cycle begin with the excretion of blood from her womb.
Quoted from wikipedia.org
Menarche is the culmination of a series of physiological and anatomic processes of puberty:
Attainment of a sufficient body mass (typically 17% body fat).
Disinhibition of the GnRH pulse generator in the arcuate nucleus of the hypothalamus
Secretion of estrogen by the ovaries in response to pituitary hormones.
Over an interval of about 2 to 3 years, estrogen stimulates growth of the uterus (as well as height growth, breast growth, widening of the pelvis, and increased regional adipose tissue).
Estrogen stimulates growth and vascularity of the endometrium, the lining of the uterus.
Fluctuations of hormone levels can result in changes of adequacy of blood supply to parts of the endometrium.
Death of some of the endometrial tissue from these hormone or blood supply fluctuations leads to deciduation, a sloughing of part of the lining with some blood flow from the vagina.
A specific hormonal signal for menarche is not known; menarche as a discrete event is thought to be the relatively chance result of the gradual thickening of the endometrium induced by rising but fluctuating pubertal estrogen.
The menstruum, or "flow," consists of a combination of fresh and clotted blood with endometrial tissue. The initial flow of menarche is usually brighter red than mature menstrual flow. It is often scanty in amount and may be very brief, even a single instance of "spotting." Like other menses, menarche may be accompanied by abdominal cramping.
Now this is a very interesting read on wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstruation_and_the_origins_of_culture
Anyway, I am digressing.
Old wives tale as far as AV is concerned varies from culture to culture.
In Eastern/Asian culture, traditionally menstrual blood is treated as 'dirty' and 'filthy' and the implication of that perception is that women are severely restricted in their actions and freedom in daily life, traditionally of course.
Here are some random Old Wives Tales (OWT) I had been exposed to in the past - I won't say I agree with all of them, just sharing them and up to you to decide if there is any truth in these OWT:
(A) Well-being of the female herself -
1. Do not drink or consume icy drink/food, best if not chilled - warm food/drink are recommended during that time of the month. It is said that the 'cold' things we put into our bodies will result in blood clots and causes cramps, or in extreme cases, stop the menstrual flow for awhile then when it flows again, sometimes after a few days, it will come with a vengeance, painful cramps.
2. Avoid consuming acidic food, especially sour-tasting food like preserved plums prior to your AV. By 'prior', it can mean up to a week before your first day of MP. This is supposed to cause even more cramps and pain or sometimes even more bleeding.
3. Avoid washing your hair when you are menstruating.
By that, some even go to the extent of avoiding cold bath water or cold shower and only bathe with hot/warm water, careful not to wet their hair. The reason being it will 'stop' the menstrual flow as the temple of your head is like the main point in Eastern traditional medicine that affects your bodily function.
However I think the philosophy is that the female is 'weak' when she is losing blood hence this is supposed to 'protect' her from the cold energy from being transferred into her body. The Yin (cold) and Yang (hot). Doesn't apply to me as my "energy" is all messed up due to too much Western medical intervention in my attempt to conceive.
4. Eat 'warm' food, and food that encourages blood circulation towards the end of your MP to 'flush out' the remaining 'dirty blood'. Example of 'warm' food are anything cooked with ginger, including home-made ginger wine, even ginger tea (they even have it in packets/granules) is supposed to help ease the cramps and ease the flow of MP.
5. Keep your lower belly and your lower back warm. That is supposed to keep the blood circulation smooth and will ease your cramps.
And there are many more Food/drink you may or may not consume before, during and after your MP. End of well-being part.
(B) Taboo during MP
1. Females are considered 'unlucky' during that time of the month and should separately carry on her daily tasks and do not have any physical contact, especially with the males. So no intercourse during MP.
2. They cannot touch scared stuff on the altar of the ancestors are they are considered 'impure' during MP. Most Asian cultures forbid them from entering sacred worship places. Buddhism however, DOES NOT hold this belief and only treat this as a natural monthly phenomenon of excretion from female body. It is more of a cultural taboo and not a religious restriction.
3. Some cultures have some kind of practice in disposing the used sanitary towels/pads/napkins - some ethnic culture dictates that female must wash the towels clean before disposing of them and some do not wash them but just add some table salt in it before throwing them away.
Some even go to the extent of scaring young girls by saying some ghosts and evil spirits feed on menstrual blood and if they don't have enough, they will trace back to you by the scent of your blood and appear before you. I think the rationale behind this is hygiene. The rubbish/garbage disposal wasn't as efficient in the yester years hence washing the pads is a practice ingrained from the previous generation who used cloth pads/towels which are reusable before the advent of those with adhesive.
EVOLVING SANITARY PAD or TOWELS or NAPKINS
The sanitary pad/towels have evolved rapidly over the last 50 years. However, due to the disposable nature of the mass production catered to the majority of females, the traditional cloth sanitary pads are seeing a reemergence with their better and improved versions compared to their predecessors - the start up kit does cost a bomb, last I checked.
Despite them costing a bomb, I guess if you care about the environment and do not wish to contribute to more waste, going green and going back to natural towels/pads is the way to go... I just am not that 'moved' to purchase it yet. Don't flame me please.
I am not sure of old wives tales in other non-East Asian cultures. I welcome sharing/comments. Till the next month, hang in there, ladies!!
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Fat or Thin? Why so superficial?
I think people love to make comments about one's physical appearance.
Just because you look fat, doesn't mean you like to be reminded or called 'fat' again and again, even by virtual strangers. Just because you are 'thin', doesn't mean you are starving yourself, or 'don't eat enough', it may be in your genetics and you just cannot put on weight no matter how much you eat.
What irks me is how people think they are entitled to judge and if we retort by trying to give them a taste of their own medicine, they cannot accept it, hey, if you wanna judge me then prepared to be judged back as well. Do unto others what you wish to be done unto you.
Superficiality seems to rule today's world.
Everything seems superficial, everything must be beautiful and conform to the 'acceptable standards' of beauty, set by the mass media or just what people think others think.
Recently, a very nice girl I know was reduced to tears when a guy reprimanded her for 'eating and being fat like a pig', said straight to her face, not once but repeated to her and she rushed to the ladies as she was too hurt to even be in the presence of that mean guy. As of today, she is still no longer friends with that 'friend'. Some friends are better off 'defriended'.
Not too long ago, another very nice girl who is still single, has all the things going for her in life, tried to get to know a guy 'introduced' and it was almost like a blind date, only that 'date' never happened, the 'meeting' never ventured outside fb. The guy had self-esteem issues and to cover it up, he mentioned that the girl isn't attractive enough and the word 'fat' came into the picture again. Geez, you missed out knowing a perfectly nice girl just because she is a few kg overweight? For the record, that guy is still single. Same goes to the guy in the first case mentioned above. Be picky and soon enough, all the girls will stop looking at you and even the ones you call 'fat' will not even be bothered with you when you are 40 and still single!!! Unless you are filthy rich of course, which is another point of superciality, but let's leave it at that.
I am not particularly irked today, but just wanted to pen my thoughts now in this blogpost, food for thought. Just a blogpost to say it's June already! Mid-year and I have a mid-year resolution.
Yes, I have had my fair share of "you are too fat" by well-meaning and ill-meaning people, including strangers. I do blame my hormones (which I do put into my body artificially in my attempt to conceive), but I know I should make more effort in exercising, which I can control, as it is my lifestyle and I have power over how I want to live my life. I have learned not to let the 'comments' get to me after awhile. Anyway, as I am already past the 30 mark in age, I plan to be healthier. Let's see how much I can lose in the next two months, for health, not for beauty. I think I am good-looking enough, fat or thin. :-)
Just because you look fat, doesn't mean you like to be reminded or called 'fat' again and again, even by virtual strangers. Just because you are 'thin', doesn't mean you are starving yourself, or 'don't eat enough', it may be in your genetics and you just cannot put on weight no matter how much you eat.
What irks me is how people think they are entitled to judge and if we retort by trying to give them a taste of their own medicine, they cannot accept it, hey, if you wanna judge me then prepared to be judged back as well. Do unto others what you wish to be done unto you.
Superficiality seems to rule today's world.
Everything seems superficial, everything must be beautiful and conform to the 'acceptable standards' of beauty, set by the mass media or just what people think others think.
Recently, a very nice girl I know was reduced to tears when a guy reprimanded her for 'eating and being fat like a pig', said straight to her face, not once but repeated to her and she rushed to the ladies as she was too hurt to even be in the presence of that mean guy. As of today, she is still no longer friends with that 'friend'. Some friends are better off 'defriended'.
Not too long ago, another very nice girl who is still single, has all the things going for her in life, tried to get to know a guy 'introduced' and it was almost like a blind date, only that 'date' never happened, the 'meeting' never ventured outside fb. The guy had self-esteem issues and to cover it up, he mentioned that the girl isn't attractive enough and the word 'fat' came into the picture again. Geez, you missed out knowing a perfectly nice girl just because she is a few kg overweight? For the record, that guy is still single. Same goes to the guy in the first case mentioned above. Be picky and soon enough, all the girls will stop looking at you and even the ones you call 'fat' will not even be bothered with you when you are 40 and still single!!! Unless you are filthy rich of course, which is another point of superciality, but let's leave it at that.
I am not particularly irked today, but just wanted to pen my thoughts now in this blogpost, food for thought. Just a blogpost to say it's June already! Mid-year and I have a mid-year resolution.
Yes, I have had my fair share of "you are too fat" by well-meaning and ill-meaning people, including strangers. I do blame my hormones (which I do put into my body artificially in my attempt to conceive), but I know I should make more effort in exercising, which I can control, as it is my lifestyle and I have power over how I want to live my life. I have learned not to let the 'comments' get to me after awhile. Anyway, as I am already past the 30 mark in age, I plan to be healthier. Let's see how much I can lose in the next two months, for health, not for beauty. I think I am good-looking enough, fat or thin. :-)
Friday, 20 April 2012
Thailand Trip - second honeymoon of 2012 :-)
Next week, Hubby and I will leave for our second honeymoon for the year, this time we are visiting Thailand for the very first time as a couple.
We have been on many honeymoons we have lost count, hence from now, it will be the first, second, third honeymoon of each year, easier to label that way, haha.
We are planning a DIY trip but then discovered some ala-carte tour (half days) or private guide for a full day would be convenient as well and we have already booked our hotels at a good rate on Agoda when they were on sale earlier this year, and our flight tix were already bought a year ago.
Going to visit one or two (or maybe more) temples especially the famous four-faced-Buddha temple well-known for childless couples who are suffering from some form of infertility, to pray for a child. I remember that Nicholas Tse's parents (celebrities themselves) prayed there in Bangkok and later conceived Nicholas and they made a huge donation to the temple after his birth. No harm trying, right? :-) Told you anything which are remotely hopeful, we will try if they are within our means. ;)
Will post up pix after our trip... April has been rather full with our USA trip and now our Bangkok/Pattaya trip. Tiring but truly fun and exciting!!!
Bangkok and Pattaya, here we come!!!
We have been on many honeymoons we have lost count, hence from now, it will be the first, second, third honeymoon of each year, easier to label that way, haha.
We are planning a DIY trip but then discovered some ala-carte tour (half days) or private guide for a full day would be convenient as well and we have already booked our hotels at a good rate on Agoda when they were on sale earlier this year, and our flight tix were already bought a year ago.
Going to visit one or two (or maybe more) temples especially the famous four-faced-Buddha temple well-known for childless couples who are suffering from some form of infertility, to pray for a child. I remember that Nicholas Tse's parents (celebrities themselves) prayed there in Bangkok and later conceived Nicholas and they made a huge donation to the temple after his birth. No harm trying, right? :-) Told you anything which are remotely hopeful, we will try if they are within our means. ;)
Will post up pix after our trip... April has been rather full with our USA trip and now our Bangkok/Pattaya trip. Tiring but truly fun and exciting!!!
Bangkok and Pattaya, here we come!!!
Thursday, 22 March 2012
My Deepest, Innermost Feelings (Mostly Dark) on being childless
I have been almost subtle in my past blogposts on my state of childlessness. Today, I feel the need to share on my personal blog something I couldn't get myself to verbalise up till now, simply being it is too personal, but I feel that it is time. I have always believed that the catharsis effect (releasing it via sharing through speech or writing) plays some role in preserving my sanity. THIS IS ONLY A HIDDEN PART OF WHO I AM, maybe at most 25% of me, so don't deduce that I am a suicidal person or something. Just a sharing blogpost.
Let us start from the beginning.
As a little girl, I had always believed I will be a fine mother one day. I played with my dolls and pretended to be their mother. I played with the cat we had and enjoyed watching my mother playing 'mother' to the kitty, RIP Meow Meow. I always looked forward to receiving new siblings (quite a huge age gap, hence I was an older child when they were born), or new cousins. I relish in playing with children and almost nothing they do will irk me or made me cross unless it is really over the 'accepted' limit.
Fast forward to the 21st century, I fell in love and fell out of love a couple of times before I finally found my man, the guy I call my husband today. We had some years together as a dating couple before finally taking the plunge, hmm, literally, into marriage, speeded up by both sides of the family's demands we tie the knot, reason being we had been dating since we were 23. Yup, I am one of the lucky ones to have found my soulmate at an 'early' age. I would like to believe in soulmate and that I found my soulmate in my husband. I count my blessings.
It was an eventful year in 2007 when we got married. Looking back, I am quite amazed at how I survived five years ago. I lost my beloved grandpa, my dear grandpa (dad's dad) with whom I was very close to, just days before my wedding reception. I was hospitalised 7 times in 2007, two being having to have had D&C performed on me as I couldn't stop bleeding -- google up D&C and you would be able to guess just exactly what happened. That is a whole different story which is best left aside for now, another raw emotions-filled memory box.
Anyway, I survived my first year of marriage, literally, hubby and I both grew up together in our first year as man and wife, and life has never been better, up till today... but a nagging feeling persists, we are still childless.
SWEET, SWEET SUPPORT
I would say the person closest to you once you are married should be your spouse, maybe children, but you should never replace your spouse with your children, in terms of attention, that is.
In my five years of marriage, from a young man to a not-so-young-man-anymore, my husband has proven the 'through thick and thin, in trial and tribulations' part of most marriage vows, he has stuck through with me and listened to me and held me close in those down times where you couldn't have recognised me for my usual self. NOTE: I usually do not appear as sad in real life, always with laughter and a ready smile on my face.
PAIN AND HURT
Let me say this straight: It pained me more than anything else in the world to not have my own child. The hurt is due to the fact of having your hopes crushed month-by-month, the pain is indescribable. It is only natural that I would crave for my own flesh and blood and after awhile, I am opening up my options to adoption as well. As long as the effort will not cost more than 10k, we've tried it, trust me.
We have tried almost everything except IVF (test tube baby) due to the prohibitive cost. We don't have 10k (minimum) times three (x3) for a 3-round IVF treatment to spare. The success rate at best is only 35%, hovering as low as 25%-35%. It is like knowing you will fail the test/exam and still paid the exam fees to proceed and sit for the examination paper you know you can only score the max 35%.
Sweet, sweet hubby has been there with me and he was there when I had to self-administer an injection to my tummy and for me, who have a strange phobia (fear) towards needles/syringes, it was a huge feat just to be able to poke my skin myself, I actually cried all three times I administered myself in a round (a cycle, which is a month, following your monthly cycle), just to stimulate ovulation. I managed to ovulate, it is not that I couldn't, but nothing came out of it. Stress took over by just trying too hard that we abandoned serious fertility treatment at the LPPKN (government subsidised clinic) in 2009 and turned to gynae visits instead for more stress-free option rather than invasive procedures every month.
For those of you who are of medium-income-range, and would like to try a subsidised alternative of fertility treatment, here is the link, under Rawatan SubFertiliti: http://www.lppkn.gov.my/lppkn/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=336&Itemid=119&lang=ms
The English name for LPPKN is: National Population and Family Development Board, an agency under the Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development. -- don't bother turning on the English version of the website as the translation isn't complete.
ONE NOTE: DO NOT expect private hospital (nice) treatment or smiles all the way as you only pay a fraction of the price - RM10 for consultation, RM10 is about USD3 for a specialist consultation, and subsidised (discounted) procedures and tests, and to some extent, the expensive ovary-stimulating drugs. A friend had a success on her second IUI (artificial insemination) attempt and is now a mother to a pair of boy-girl twins, she was the one who introduced me to LPPKN. Happy for her, seriously.
MORE PAIN AND HURT, INSENSITIVE REMARKS
The people around you will add on to the pain and hurt, like the cliche "to add salt to injury".
I remembered sharing with a girl friend when I had myself checked and all, in my attempt to conceive and she said that she'd rather not know what is wrong with her or do so many things just to get pregnant and let it happen naturally, not like some people and she added, no offence. Geez, girl, I am still taking offence or rather, feel quite hurt by that. About a year after that statement, you are one of the lucky ones who had a miracle happen and you conceived when you least expected it, with our common situation, having PCOS and all, but I am not so lucky and so are many other women like me out there, and of course, rather than mulling about it, I sought help.
Whatever you do when are a childless couple, you get judged. For doing nothing, you get judged. For getting help, you get judged. Even when you are doing something, you get judged for not doing enough or doing it wrong.
One insensitive remark I remember till today was of an acquaintance who 'jokingly' said maybe we are not pregnant (I refer to 'we' being pregnant cos I think of our journey to conception as both me and hubby) because we had not been doing it right in bed, he said some crude words and we had only met once or twice before that and he thought it was funny to poke fun at our childlessness like that. I took offence immediately and told him right off that is unacceptable.
Hey, what I do with my husband in bed is none of your business and I am perfectly happy with his performance and we thoroughly enjoy each other's company, infertility isn't inability to have sex. Now I am really angry and still fuming at insensitive remarks like that. Oh well.
Anyway, after more or less 'giving up' with expensive fertility treatments, I stick to my current gynae, bless his gentle soul, who put no pressure on me, and the kind nurses who are rooting for me all the way. I still remembered the first time I ovulated last year and the doc was very excited, and the nurse was almost cheering me on when the internal scan (pelvic/trans-vaginal scan) showed that one ripe follicle. I think they were more excited than I was. Bless their soul. Of course, nothing happened out of that and I am still without a child. I guess you can get used to prognosis like that after some time :-)
My family and hubby's family, after some 'orientation', has since learned not to breach this subject that often and usually they tip-toed gently on this subject, with an underlying encouraging tone. Appreciate that but I guess no one besides those suffering from the same 'predicament' will truly understand how difficult our journey is.
I also feel guilty when I poured out to hubby, and he told me: Do you know I also feel pressured? Seeing you like this and I cannot do anything about it makes me feel helpless.
I then said "Sorry", and toned down and took control of my feelings. He too, is in this journey, and being a man, it is harder to verbalise his feelings.
FEARS
Of course, I would be lying if I say I don't fear my hubby leaving me just because we have no child to bind us together. Call it irrational fear, but I guess women are hard-wired at birth to think like this... all the dooms' day thoughts of "What If's". So far, so good, hubby has reassured me again and again that he will be by my side no matter what.
Another fear is that we will be nearly dead/too old by the time any possible child is born/adopted by us and when we die (due to old age) the child is still in school. I don't wanna be running after a toddler when I am in my mid-40s (sorry to those who are doing that), but I cannot fathom that I will look more like a grandma than a mother to my own child. Geez, call that vanity but that is just my fear.
THE CATHARSIS
Now I have been writing a pretty long prologue of our journey and will now dwelve into these feelings to begin the catharsis. Catharsis is defined as the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music, or emotional release.
I think some of you who read my blog before this would have read this before, something I wrote two years ago when I turned 30. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2010/10/reflections-on-turning-30.html
I have always tried to side-step this issue and making it 'lighter' by trying to see the positive side of things: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2010/11/infertilitychildlessness-good.html
Now, I will try to let it all out and unleash that untamed raw feelings from the dark abyss of my being. Let's see if this catharsis session works.
*I paused for about 10 seconds thinking of how to put it into words*
1. SELF-BLAME, SELF-PITY
These two feelings are interconnected, if you ask me. First, you blame yourself (doesn't help with the 'maybe you didn't do that, maybe you did that, that is why you are not pregnant yet' well-intentioned remarks from family and friends and including strangers), after blaming yourself for not being able to get pregnant, you turn the blame on fate/God/others/your past/anything you can think of and think: WHY ME? Self-pity crept in and if you allow yourself to wallow in self-pity, the downward spiral of dark emotions will begin.
2. THE HOWLING
I feel like a wolf sometimes. These dark feelings I have, I can only cry to the moon deep into the night. I feel like howling in pain, soaked in the moonlight while tears soak up my face while I howl my pain to the moon. The feelings of longing for something I don't have (which is the root of suffering as what you crave for isn't in your hands, as per Buddhist teachings), I know rationally I shouldn't think about it that much, but deep inside, the Mother Wolf inside me is mourning her lost cubs-to-be, and the possibility of not having any cubs at all in her entire life.
I have cried many times alone and in the arms of hubby, who felt equally helpless, and also in front of my parents and my dear sister. I have learned that sharing with loved ones, while is supportive in some ways, is not fair to them in terms of putting more stress on them, as they are feeling as helpless as I am. I have since restricted my 'howling' to private alone-moments or in the selected few times (I try not to) with hubby. There was once a couple of years ago, I was feeling really down and triggered by some event/remarks, I actually burst into tears in the car, moments after stepping into the car to an alarmed hubby. In moments like this, sadness/disappointment/anger/frustration/pain all rolled into one.
I find myself on the verge of tears at the slightest provocation/remark/trigger on bad days which isn't happening that often now that I am off hormones-treatments for now. On good days, I can laugh about it and even 'forget' about it, but on bad days, I would fall into that emotional abyss and feel like howling again.
Yesterday was one of those days. I went for my monthly check-up at my gynae and jokingly told Alice, one of the nurses, that even the front counter girl could recognise me as I have been a regular for more than a year already at the specialist hospital, and I said "Even those who are pregnant at most sees the doc 9 months up til delivery, I have been coming monthly for more than a year already, longer than any pregnant woman", she laughed, being her usual cheerful self, and then I went in, escorted by Prema, another nurse.
Doc confirmed I have yet again to be successful in conceiving, and dear sweet nurse Prema held my leg on the examination bed in support/comfort to let me know they also wish that I will be successful soon, and one day I will be pregnant too, like many women in this world. I felt like bursting into tears there and then, touched by the sincerity of my 'medical team' I see on a monthly basis, sometimes more than a couple of times a month, depending on what type of treatment my doc puts me on. On the other hand, I felt like crying because of yet another month of failure and I wish more than anything to be a mother, not just a godmother (which is the second best thing in life right now), but a mother.
Adoption has been explored. You would be surprised at the intricacies and difficulties of getting a child to adopt in Malaysia due to the fact that I am a non-Muslim and as a non-Muslim, I cannot adopt a Muslim child. Muslim couples get pushed up the list as there are more Muslim babies available for adoption than non-Muslims ones. International adoption is possible, and while we can try to ignore the fact that the cost is prohibitive, the Malaysian laws do not grant automatic citizenship to internationally adopted children, hence their future is insecure in the adoptive country. I wouldn't want that for my adopted child. Hence we can only wait for the local wait list.
So many people have suggested adoption and said things like "GET A CHILD FROM CHINA, GET A BABY GIRL FROM CHINA, etc". Yes, I know. But it isn't that clear-cut. We are still trying - both at trying to conceive and adopting. We have been put on waiting list, went through the interviews/screening, felt more like police investigation with a 6-member-panel interrogating our every aspect of being/life. WE HAVE TRIED THAT, one year on, after being put on the waiting list, we are STILL WAITING.
I FEEL LIKE MY DREAMS SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL to be a mother is being taken away from me, slowly but surely as the clock ticked on. I only have about 3 years of ideal child-bearing-years left, and I told hubby I will stop trying once I am past 35, or maybe 40 (if finances permit). How can I not help but feel DESPERATE? Go for a holiday? Hubby and I have been on numerous trips/honeymoons to relax, but infertility is a medical condition that cannot be cured just by relaxing. It is not that simple. I feel like shoving shoes up people's mouth when they give insensitive advices/judgments,etc. That's my inner-most feelings, but of course, civility dictates I must grin and bear with that, with me, being a good sport while seething inside.
I am a woman without a child who is wishing more than anything else, to want one to call her own, please don't deny me even my rights to feel my emotions that I am feeling while I try to make my wishes come true. Hence this blogpost is to share those feelings that I kept inside. I know how to be positive, but everyone has their down time, hence I am sharing how and what I feel during my down times, which isn't that often as time goes on.
I feel like this can summarise my entire blogpost aptly, copying Feeling No.2:
2. THE HOWLING
I feel like a wolf sometimes. These dark feelings I have, I can only cry to the moon deep into the night. I feel like howling in pain, soaked in the moonlight while tears soak up my face while I howl my pain to the moon. The feelings of longing for something I don't have (which is the root of suffering as what you crave for isn't in your hands, as per Buddhist teachings), I know rationally I shouldn't think about it that much, but deep inside, the Mother Wolf inside me is mourning her lost cubs-to-be, and the possibility of not having any cubs at all in her entire life.
*This article isn't written to disparage or critise or meant to lash out at anyone. It is just a reflection of my innermost feelings.*
Post script: This is only a part of me, not my whole being so please don't misunderstand that I feel like this all the time, I have since learned to be positive and learned to be optimistic on this very sensitive subject, but of course, there are downtime which I call my bad days due to hormonal changes, which is becoming lesser by the day. I am usually a cheerful and bubbly person as many who know me can attest to.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
CONDITIONAL LOVE: Mommy I love you, thank you for buying me ice-cream.
"Mommy I love you... " that phrase made hearts melt.. but not the following phrase that comes with it - "Thank you for buying me ice-cream."
I couldn't help but chuckle softly and turned over to my right and sure enough hubby was suppressing a grin. The little boy of about 6 or 7 was walking with his mommy one fine evening in Singapore during our Sept 2011 trip, and we happened to be within earshot of the cute exchange.
If I remember correctly, children does not really 'love' or learn to love unconditionally until they have 'matured' into an adult, at least that is what my Psychology classes taught me last time during my undergrad years. Imagine you are born and everything revolves around you from infancy right up to childhood, and you cannot help but have this self-centered mind-set and imagine the rebellion when some 'sense of responsibility' were being forced upon these self-centered individuals who had everything served right up to their hands/mouth all these while, and then we have this thing called the rebellious teens. Not a surprise why they rebel, isn't it? They have been conditioned that way, and suddenly you are changing the rules? Kinda unfair if you ask me... lol, anyway, it's part of the growing pains.
I don't know, I don't have children myself, but I do have goddaughters, two of them and I love them to bits, I know they love me as their godmother but to what extent, I am not disillusioned, they love me for the gifts I supply on a regular basis, like more than a couple of times a year. Proof? They finally verbalised it, or rather, the elder girl, when I arrived at the airport and followed her parents (my friends) to pick her up from school, the first thing she said was "Mommy Sue, where is my birthday present?", it was her birthday a couple of years back. I think as children, they quantify love to the amount/total of gifts you give them?
Anyway, she is turning 11 this year and her sister, my younger goddaughter is turning 9, and I had a glimpse of what kind of teenagers they would grow up to the last time I saw them as I slept with them my entire trip there and we had some girly chat before going to sleep.
Hmmm.... let's hope their tween (pre-teen) years are prolonged and still keep the innocence around them, they still believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, thanks to their mother, my good frend Audrey who wanted to provide/preserve the sanctity of a childhood in today's harsh world. Instead of a coin, Audrey gave her girls 5 bucks for each tooth under their pillow, *salute* I didn't even have any when I was a little girl!!!
Back to conditional love, it is quite disheartening to see that some children never grew out of their infancy, i.e. adults who are self-centered and hardly make the effort to expand their view/horizon. "Of course I love you, honey, you are so beautiful".... five or ten years later, they are no more beautiful or sweet anymore and they move on.
Infidelity aside, we have people who don't treasure relationships of any kind and for them, it all boils down to "how much is she/he of use to me and what does it matter to me?" Hence with these kind of people, friendship has an 'expiry date'. When they feel that you are of no more use to them, you are considered expired friends and they cease to even make effort to be friends with you anymore.
That, my friends, is called Conditional Love. Maybe not 'LOVE', Love, maybe conditional relationship. Nope, conditional ties is more like it, relationship takes a lot of work, so they just form ties that are easy to cut off after it has run its course.
I have learned to not really care about these 'children/kidults (kid+adults) who never grew out of their infancy' and their self-centered little world over the years. Of course that is learned through many bitter and painful experiences with such people whom you thought were your 'true friends'. Oh well, good riddance I guess. I have more like-minded people whom I call friends in later part of my life and there is nothing that I would change about them!
Here's a toast to maintaining a good relationship with as little conditions as possible! Happy relationships, everyone!!!
I couldn't help but chuckle softly and turned over to my right and sure enough hubby was suppressing a grin. The little boy of about 6 or 7 was walking with his mommy one fine evening in Singapore during our Sept 2011 trip, and we happened to be within earshot of the cute exchange.
If I remember correctly, children does not really 'love' or learn to love unconditionally until they have 'matured' into an adult, at least that is what my Psychology classes taught me last time during my undergrad years. Imagine you are born and everything revolves around you from infancy right up to childhood, and you cannot help but have this self-centered mind-set and imagine the rebellion when some 'sense of responsibility' were being forced upon these self-centered individuals who had everything served right up to their hands/mouth all these while, and then we have this thing called the rebellious teens. Not a surprise why they rebel, isn't it? They have been conditioned that way, and suddenly you are changing the rules? Kinda unfair if you ask me... lol, anyway, it's part of the growing pains.
I don't know, I don't have children myself, but I do have goddaughters, two of them and I love them to bits, I know they love me as their godmother but to what extent, I am not disillusioned, they love me for the gifts I supply on a regular basis, like more than a couple of times a year. Proof? They finally verbalised it, or rather, the elder girl, when I arrived at the airport and followed her parents (my friends) to pick her up from school, the first thing she said was "Mommy Sue, where is my birthday present?", it was her birthday a couple of years back. I think as children, they quantify love to the amount/total of gifts you give them?
Anyway, she is turning 11 this year and her sister, my younger goddaughter is turning 9, and I had a glimpse of what kind of teenagers they would grow up to the last time I saw them as I slept with them my entire trip there and we had some girly chat before going to sleep.
Hmmm.... let's hope their tween (pre-teen) years are prolonged and still keep the innocence around them, they still believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, thanks to their mother, my good frend Audrey who wanted to provide/preserve the sanctity of a childhood in today's harsh world. Instead of a coin, Audrey gave her girls 5 bucks for each tooth under their pillow, *salute* I didn't even have any when I was a little girl!!!
Back to conditional love, it is quite disheartening to see that some children never grew out of their infancy, i.e. adults who are self-centered and hardly make the effort to expand their view/horizon. "Of course I love you, honey, you are so beautiful".... five or ten years later, they are no more beautiful or sweet anymore and they move on.
Infidelity aside, we have people who don't treasure relationships of any kind and for them, it all boils down to "how much is she/he of use to me and what does it matter to me?" Hence with these kind of people, friendship has an 'expiry date'. When they feel that you are of no more use to them, you are considered expired friends and they cease to even make effort to be friends with you anymore.
That, my friends, is called Conditional Love. Maybe not 'LOVE', Love, maybe conditional relationship. Nope, conditional ties is more like it, relationship takes a lot of work, so they just form ties that are easy to cut off after it has run its course.
I have learned to not really care about these 'children/kidults (kid+adults) who never grew out of their infancy' and their self-centered little world over the years. Of course that is learned through many bitter and painful experiences with such people whom you thought were your 'true friends'. Oh well, good riddance I guess. I have more like-minded people whom I call friends in later part of my life and there is nothing that I would change about them!
Here's a toast to maintaining a good relationship with as little conditions as possible! Happy relationships, everyone!!!
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