Friday, 29 July 2011

I love this song!

I managed to look up the song that my friend Pei mentioned in her comment two blog posts before this, it's called Tegami, which means letter.

Where a 15-year-old wrote a letter to her future self in despair. Then the second part of the song is a letter from the future self comforting her and encouraging her to have strength and faith to persevere in life. I love Angela Aki too! Love her rendition of Tegami (Letter)!

This is a reminder to everyone who needs a little boost in life.

The lyrics in English:

Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?

For me who's 15 years old
There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone

If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the present

Dear you,
Thank you
I have something to tell the 15-year-old you

If you continue asking what and where you should be going
You'll be able to see the answer

The rough seas of youth may be tough
But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow

Now, please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
For me as an adult, there are sleepless nights when I'm hurt
But I'm living the bittersweet present

There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing

Seems like I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?

Please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice

No matter era we're in
There's no running away from sorrow
So show your smile, and go on living the present
Go on living the present

Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness

Do check out the mash-up of the song too, gave me goosebumps:

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Career Change? What Made Me Stick Around? Wacky Students (College "Kids")

This is a photo of students emulating the 'adults' in the working world. The spokesperson looks convincing, eh?

My students in action.
My ex-students during their Mock Press Conference in Class 2011

I think by now, if this isn't the first time you're reading my blog, you'd have known I'm a lecturer by profession, at least atm. Been in this job for the past two years and still counting, so far so good, my 'record' for the longest ever job I've held in my short life.

The following paragraph is only meant to be read if you are REALLY interested, if not just skip it. It's also to record my career progression while I still remember them before my memory deteriorates.
Been a journalist - both a news reporter and then a subeditor, left mainstream media for good, then I joined the new media and became Senior Editor for awhile, then changed to another company when the earlier new media company 'collapsed' and became Editor for another web-based company - eventually accepted my first lecturing post but the long drive to and back home (minimum THREE hours a day on the road) took a toll on me, especially my stress level and my health so I left that job. Decided to put my Masters to use (Corporate Communication) hence I took up a consultant job offer to offer Public Relations 'expertise' as an external agency to companies/organisations. Burnt out too fast in that job too.. and then I took up part time lecturing and odd jobs on a contractual basis (mostly editing and writing jobs) before landing myself this current position. 

My dad used to call me a 'grasshopper'/BM:Belalang, because I job hopped faster than you can say "change", that's an exaggeration, but when within 8 years you have had held 10 jobs after your undergrad years, I guess it has some truth to what my dad said.

So what made me stick around this time? My wacky students. They can be a pain sometimes but most of the time, they brought a smile and maybe a chuckle, and sometimes a roaring laughter to my otherwise 'dry' career. :-)
They dress up for the occasion when need be.

I think if you enlarge this pix, you will see that she's trying to be a local celebrity/supermodel.

They are certainly eye candies. Nice to look, nice to teach. I'm a female, so this is just another female appreciating female beauty. When you got it flaunt it while you still can!

The "Bad Boys" group will always be there, but without them the class gets a tad dull.

They are willing to go the extra mile to print out actual props for their assignments.

They show their potential and gave me very heart-warming moments when they showed me they get it, yes, gave me the feeling that I managed to drill that many information into their head!

They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, height, ethnicity, religion, temperaments and behaviour. 
Some are self-proclaimed "Soh Poh" (silly girl)

Some improvised (a lot) and come up with less than tasteful props like these microphones

However hard they 'worked' and 'studied', the kids are always full of smile and fun to be with.

They imitate, they learn; they practice, they learn; they play, I think they learned too.

Some are wise beyond their years, some just look wise but still playful.

Don't you think this "Golden Arch" resembles our rear end?

Some of them are really memorable, some cos they have name like Onn Rei, some cos of how they behaved, some cos of how they looked like.
But most of all, it's their guts that only a young person will have that got to me, to remind me of youth that I'm leaving behind is being lived to the fullest by a newer generation (I'm not THAT old, but still.. the sentiment is there).

Taken just today: July 19th, 2011 - they are very creative in attracting people's attention - in pajamas and cross dressing. lol. Left to right, Elaine, me and Desmond. The boobs are too fake lah!

This should be Part 1 of many other parts of my life with College Kids. :-)

Monday, 18 July 2011

My First Letter to My Future Self - July 18, 2011

This is meant as a reflection, to write down my thoughts and also as a reminder of the frailty of human life.

Dear Sue (in the future),

I'm writing to you, my future self, at this point in time. Today is a cool, cloudy Monday, July 18th, 2011, and our fourth wedding anniversary on July 14th just came and went without much 'feeleefaalaa' - remember that's our favourite phrase for 'frills'? :-) *chuckles softly to self*

This is kinda cool, writing to you, my future self, we are the one and same person, and we share the same private joke. :o)

Okay, let's start the reflection. You know I always think that I can become like my mother and be happily married, have beautiful children who grow up to be successful, and have a fulfilling life. So far I have all that my mother has accomplished at her age now, the only thing lacking is a child. By the time she was my age, she already 'closed shop' and already popped out her third and youngest child. I know this kinda thing cannot be rushed or compared that way, but we are just humans, comparison is a sure thing to make sure our species advanced in life, so comparison is only natural.

Last Saturday, July 16th, I was waiting for my turn at the specialist clinic (gynae/BM: Klinik Pakar Sakit Puan) - the Bersih 2.0 rally/demonstration on July 9th, the week before caused all the doc's appointment to be pushed to last Saturday, a week after the rally. It took me a whole 5 hours just to return home after leaving home for my appointment, and the doc is only 10-min-drive away. Oh, the drive was okay a week after the rally.. it's the number of ladies waiting cos they are all cramped into one day due to the cancelled appointments, hence the long wait. -_-

So in that four and a half hours of waiting among all the other ladies waiting to see the very patient and gentle male doctor, I read my newspaper from cover to cover, and suddenly a deep sense of loss and emptiness engulfed me. Around me, were many baby bumps carried proudly by ladies in all stages of the trimester. Some are alone, some are accompanied by their partners. Of course there are some who are middle-aged and some who have flat tummies, but they are in the minority, including myself.

The deep sense of vacuum inside quickly overcame me and I find myself tearing up. First, sadness cos I'm still childless. Second, the feeling of blame came - at first I blamed life for being unfair (as usual), then the blame turned to myself - I started blaming myself for being useless for not being able to make my husband a father. I blamed myself for not being able to make my own parents a first-time-grandparents, I also started blaming myself for not being able to be a 'normal' woman, what's the use of being a woman, and being married, and not being able to conceive naturally? Geez.. it was a downward spiral down the dark abyss deep inside me, it's so scarily alone down there.

Then the last feeling came - self-loathe. I hated myself for being less-than-a woman for not being able to carry a baby inside me. Just as I thought it doesn't get worse than that, I actually felt the first drop of tear threatening to wash down my face. I folded my newspaper (which I was reading the second round anyway), and started turning to my mobile phone and started texting to share the magnamity of my feelings at that moment. I sent so many text messages (sms) that day, in that short 2-3 hours, that I think my girl friend didn't know what else to say and finally after awhile, they left me alone. Sorry girl friends, I didn't know what to do without distracting myself, or else I'll be this nutcase who's sobbing while reading the newspaper at the gynae's waiting lounge.

To cut a long story short, got back home, the heart still felt heavy. Then when I was walking through the door, my in-laws greeted me, they were staying with me for the past two weeks, with their grandson (eldest son's son, my hubby's nephew), who is also our godson. The 14-month-old toddler could barely stand up unassisted, so he crawled quickly towards me from across my tiny living room, with a big grin on his face, showing some of his half-grown teeth, and when he reached where I was standing, the little baby held on to my pants for support, stood up and looked up at me. Gosh, at that moment, I felt like crying in joy, I smiled instead. I held him up in my arms and it was as if a sudden force pulled me up from the dark abyss of my emotions just to see a child's unconditional smile at you.

It doesn't matter that he is not mine, at this point in life, I'm part of his world. And for that, I'm thankful. I count my blessings and opened my eyes a little bit more to the little things in life to be grateful for, and not to count our losses or emptiness so much. It is natural to be down sometimes, but with each down, there will be an up. So I'm hanging on. :-)

Yours truly,
Sue (2011)

post-script: The first comment on this blog, CS, is my husband. Thank you so much for reminding me of how much loved I am. Hugs.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

8TV discontinued my fav show Hellcats & replaced it without prior notice/without proper ending!

Hellcats has been around, shown on Malaysian tv for quite some time and I've been watching it since Episode 1 and suddenly today, it's replaced by some other show, even though they have not aired the final episode! A rude surprise, cut short like that with the ending left hanging!  No, No, there wasn't even a final episode so how can there be an ending to be left hanging!!!

Suddenly today, I see no such show that I usually watch on Tuesday evenings.
I ran a search on their site for their broadcast schedule and saw that there were only two results found, and the most recent show was last Tuesday, 5th July 2011.


A rude surprise, cut short like that with us viewers left hanging! Grrrrr. How can 8tv discontinue Hellcats just like that?!?