Sunday, 25 September 2011

An Eventful Rainy Sunday

What a day!

It's a rainy Sunday morning, the best setting for you to sleep in and get up later than usual, but that's not to be as I needed to 'show face' at work for an event, awaken rudely from my sleep by my colleague who arrived earlier, and there's something wrong at the event.

As I was getting in my car, tried the key on the ignition and there's no roaring sound of the engine, battery weak, I guess, and my alarm went off like a mad woman roaring on such a sweet to sleep-in-Sunday morning. Grrr. Called hubby and he drove his car to beside mine and I let him handle my car while I drove to work in his car. Thank Goodness for sweet hubbies!

Everything was rather okay after that, then the last straw came - I lost my phone at the end of the day and I didn't even know how I lost it.

Called the service provider and the policy is that I would need to pay to get my number back, I'd rather get a new number with pre-loaded credit or something rather than pay to get my number back! Or just get a new number and don't even have to pay anything!

So, this ends my Sunday. I'm kinda happy though, cos many happy things happened in between these 'events'... what an eventful Sunday, and had a fun time with my family, material possessions if lost, can be bought again, families are here at this moment but life is fragile, hence treasure them while you can! Like what my colleague always said: 'Family - No.1'

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Trying to Deal with Jealousy While TTC

For those in the know, you will know that TTC stands for Trying To Conceive. Hubby and I have been TTC for the past four years and still counting. We are still waiting and hopeful for our first child. There, I tried successfully to phrase that positively instead of the doom's day thoughts of childless, hopeless, frustration, etc. Anyway, I digress.

We are humans. The saying keeping up with the Joneses isn't there for nothing. There is some level of envy whenever others have something/someone that we don't have (yet) and hope to have. It is on the most personal level when it has got to do with having your own child/trying to get pregnant as the process of doing so is either through the taboo subject of sex, or via the laboratory test tubes/petri dishes which can seem impersonal/too personal and almost painful to talk about.

On a scale of one being the least and 10 being the most, I would say when I'm with friends, in the public, my level of jealousy for another expecting mother would be almost zero. I genuinely care and usually are happy for pregnant friends/relatives. I love looking at pregnant women and it makes me smile to think of the happiness the family must be having, expecting a new life into their home.

However, when I'm alone and in that private setting, melancholy will set in as the magnamity of my 'loneliness' that we women feel can only be filled by a child to call our own will allow jealousy to kick in - that at a terrifying scale of 8-10. I'm being very honest here, the nights you lay and the thoughts of wanting a child so much you feel you could die, and then reflecting on the most recent news of Ann who just broke the news that she's pregnant.  Or hear from an elder in the family that her friend's daughter is pregnant only after less than 6 months of marriage, etc.etc.

A simple google search gave me this link:

There are so many who are TTC that feel the same way, and I know that since Day 1 of my long journey that hasn't seen the finishing line yet - so I don't feel so bad now.

The percentage of my negative feelings vs positive feelings is like maybe 20% of very intense negative feelings as opposed to 80% positive feelings for those I know who are expecting. Initially I was VERY obsessed about TTC and the jealousy is like 50% 50%. Now I'm becoming more accepting, I guess, but still hopeful and trying not to hard. That is after four years of self-reflection and of course, self-forgiveness, or at least trying not to blame myself for my state, which is more of a medical condition and not a matter of just relaxing and you'll pop out a baby in no time.

I found a cool video on how to deal with your feelings when you are the the worst time of the month when you found out you are not pregnant:

The TTC journey is hard, some had their marriage broken as both partners could not cope, but some are even more in love after the trial, with or without children in the end. I have my husband to thank for support and we really have grown so much together emotionally in this roller coaster journey of TTC.  Baby dust to all who are in the same TTC journey.

Friday, 9 September 2011

When There's a Up, There's Bound to be a Down.

I guess I've been anticipating this blog post for quite some time.

Life has been good to me so far, sure there are minor hiccups now and then but I overcome most of them and survived so I guess I've been doing okay up to this point.

My first blog is now already totally obliterated from the World Wide Web thanks to the first popular social networking site that starts with the letter 'F', I just refuse to type its name so that google will not crawl it and I don't ever want to be associated with the now-turned-gaming social network site which everyone was on back in 2003-2006 (when I was there anyway).

I did NOT save much from my blog.. it chronicled my life from 2004-2007, up to the point where I got married, my joy and tribulation, disappointment and frustration as well as sharing updates with my friends who gets notifications whenever I update my blog. Their meaningful and funny comments, all deleted from the surface of the virtual world.

Anyway, this blog post isn't about that. It is about what I remember blogging about in my first blog (of the same name) - career woes.

I have always considered myself an open book, almost 'too' open, my mother would say, but I think age hasn't closed the book just yet, so here I am pouring my heart out.

Here goes:

I am now in my third year in my current job. I actually blogged about my job and the joys it brings me - interacting with my students, no matter how cheeky or playful/naughty they are, really made my day, tiring as it may be for some notorious classes, I still find teaching/lecturing/tutoring very fulfilling.

The first thing I dread about this job is the never ending marking. Okay, it seemed never ending because it is a continuous thing that comes again and again with each new semester. It's a vicious cycle. I was barely tagging along and barely keeping afloat with all that marking, sometimes with crazy deadlines like having to finish 3 essay questions, 190 scripts within 72 waking hours, not including your time on transportation to work, invigilation duties, eating, and definitely no family or leisure time, you are turned into this zombie/robot that marks, marks and marks. Oh, I said 72 waking hours, taking away the sleeping time and other not-to-be-mentioned waste disposal activities. It has happened to me, and to top it off, I had another batch of papers with the same deadline. I felt like I wanna die. The deadline is inhuman.

The second thing I dread now is the ceaseless paper work. The forms to fill and the stupid policies that keep changing again and again. I won't go into details but quality time has been sacrificed and it is at these moments that I felt like giving up and just leaving. But everyone is in this boat together, nice colleagues and nice immediate supervisors, who accompanied me on this journey of unreasonable demands from us. It got to a point where my normally calm and non-confrontational husband would utter the remark: What is this crazy job you are having? (and it's supposed to be a leisurely job, teaching).

Sure there are perks that people see like more or less the usual, and somewhat flexible hours but unseen are the slugging late at night in research/preparation and marking. All the hours taken away from you and your family/friends/personal life.

I don't know what will happen in the next five years. I only know I've made my mind to stay on in this job at least till I complete my 3rd year.. and maybe 4th year.. heck, I planned to retire in this nice job, before things got to be this crazy with amendments after amendments to the procedures. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

I only hope I will be strong enough to persevere on a day-by-day basis now. And please don't let me be disappointed by my new batch of students because they are the only strong reason that keeps me sane in this job. Looking back at my career, the job that I missed the most now is my first job - to be a reporter/journalist again. Sure the hours were erratic and I had to work on weekends and evenings.. and even graveyard shifts at one point - but I found pure joy and job satisfaction from writing the news/feature articles. It was my first passion and will always be my passion. I guess I should find comfort in the knowledge I knew what I enjoyed doing and I knowingly gave it up to prepare to start a family with my guy back then. I am a woman after all, hence the need for that choice for a career change.

So, I try to live in the now, and with no regrets. We'll take one step at a time and see where this path takes us. I'll try to smile in the meantime. :-)

I try to live by this maxim nowadays when things get too hard, oh yeah, it's difficult sometimes but we need to hang on cos you never know when the gold is just at the next bend: