Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Trying to Deal with Jealousy While TTC

For those in the know, you will know that TTC stands for Trying To Conceive. Hubby and I have been TTC for the past four years and still counting. We are still waiting and hopeful for our first child. There, I tried successfully to phrase that positively instead of the doom's day thoughts of childless, hopeless, frustration, etc. Anyway, I digress.

We are humans. The saying keeping up with the Joneses isn't there for nothing. There is some level of envy whenever others have something/someone that we don't have (yet) and hope to have. It is on the most personal level when it has got to do with having your own child/trying to get pregnant as the process of doing so is either through the taboo subject of sex, or via the laboratory test tubes/petri dishes which can seem impersonal/too personal and almost painful to talk about.

On a scale of one being the least and 10 being the most, I would say when I'm with friends, in the public, my level of jealousy for another expecting mother would be almost zero. I genuinely care and usually are happy for pregnant friends/relatives. I love looking at pregnant women and it makes me smile to think of the happiness the family must be having, expecting a new life into their home.

However, when I'm alone and in that private setting, melancholy will set in as the magnamity of my 'loneliness' that we women feel can only be filled by a child to call our own will allow jealousy to kick in - that at a terrifying scale of 8-10. I'm being very honest here, the nights you lay and the thoughts of wanting a child so much you feel you could die, and then reflecting on the most recent news of Ann who just broke the news that she's pregnant.  Or hear from an elder in the family that her friend's daughter is pregnant only after less than 6 months of marriage, etc.etc.

A simple google search gave me this link:

There are so many who are TTC that feel the same way, and I know that since Day 1 of my long journey that hasn't seen the finishing line yet - so I don't feel so bad now.

The percentage of my negative feelings vs positive feelings is like maybe 20% of very intense negative feelings as opposed to 80% positive feelings for those I know who are expecting. Initially I was VERY obsessed about TTC and the jealousy is like 50% 50%. Now I'm becoming more accepting, I guess, but still hopeful and trying not to hard. That is after four years of self-reflection and of course, self-forgiveness, or at least trying not to blame myself for my state, which is more of a medical condition and not a matter of just relaxing and you'll pop out a baby in no time.

I found a cool video on how to deal with your feelings when you are the the worst time of the month when you found out you are not pregnant:

The TTC journey is hard, some had their marriage broken as both partners could not cope, but some are even more in love after the trial, with or without children in the end. I have my husband to thank for support and we really have grown so much together emotionally in this roller coaster journey of TTC.  Baby dust to all who are in the same TTC journey.

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