Feeling Emo

Long post ahead...

It has been quite some time since I last played any games on my iPhone or facebook, before Candy Crush became the craze for (almost) everyone.

Back when my late mom in law (MiL) was still alive and then diagnosed with final stage cancer, I was a regular in some Zynga games on mobile, and actually had some 'regular' game partners called 90tomh and worshipdrummer. Then I quit to attend to more pressing matters at home since my MiL stayed with us in her final days and left a message in our last game, to which worshipdrummer replied, giving me comforting words.

Now more than 200 days later, much have happened after my MiL passed away, had a baby boy, then attended my MiL's funeral, etc. then I checked out those games again and saw that it has been more than 200 days.

I checked back 11 days later and the game requests were still unanswered, I guess they too have moved on and dumped the game.

Some things can never be the same as time goes on. 

The only constant is change. This made me very emotional when I think about it. My baby will be a little boy soon and by the time he enters primary (elementary) school I will be 40. You can never return to all the 'good old times', that's why they inserted the word 'old' in everything nice and fine.

Am I scared of old age? A little... I will be lying if I say no. Am I afraid of death? Yes, sudden death especially, I wish to have some time to prepare myself and plan my 'exit' from this life.

It is the start of the 14th week for my darling son. He just turned exactly 3 months old last week, according to the calendar month. I was just looking at his newborn pix and I nearly teared up seeing how small he was back then. He has a little boy face now... I am torn in between wanting to see how he will grow up yet I am sad when I know he is growing and will never be as small and this way anymore. Human dilemma of not sure how to feel.

Guess everyone deal with grief their own way. I guess this is my grief talking. I haven't fully cried out after my MiL passed away as both hubby and me made a promise not to cry near her body. 

Having such precious happiness in my arms now in the form of my son and then losing my MiL seems like a cruel joke played on me by nature. 

I haven't dealt with the sadness or even the anger and frustration of the situation.

Yes I have busied myself with my baby for three full months and I was too tired to even think of anything on a daily basis. I do enjoy my baby tremendously.

But last night, my baby slept through the night and only woke up at 5.30am for his feeding, giving me a good night's sleep... 

As I woke up refreshed...which isn't a bad thing, and then these feelings flooded in, as I am only human. 

All these while fatigue helped me delay facing my grief. 

Now... Sigh. Mommy I hope you are happy where you are now, I know you are at peace now. Know that your youngest son and me don't feel the same without you around the house. We sorely miss you... More than words can say.

- end -

It has been 50 days since you left us...

It has been 50 days since you left us, but it seemed like yesterday when you were still around.

RIP Mommy (My mother-in-law).

Reflection on the first 10 weeks of parenthood

Letter to my 10-week-old baby boy...

Dear my precious baby boy,

It has been 10 weeks since I first laid my eyes on you and held you in my arms, umblical cord still attached and your skin all reddish, pinkish and all wrinkly from delivery. You were so small mama was scared to hold you at first.

You were a fast, early one, wanting to be born an Aquarian instead of being a Pisces and gave us all a scare in the middle of the night. Labour was fast and you were born in the morning, same hour as mama, we are going to get along just fine, being a morning person.

Now fast forward 10 weeks, you have grown up so fast and it is hard to believe you are the same small wrinkly baby we brought home from the hospital.

IT AIN'T EASY CARING FOR A SMALL BABY
They are not kidding when they say taking care of a small baby ain't easy. Mama is lucky to have your grandaunt for help in the first month. Half the month, grandaunt helped out and the other half when mama felt better, it was just mama and you in the middle of the night when you decide to wail for your feeding. Papa helped out four nights as well when he flew over to Borneo twice, once in your first week and another time when you were four weeks old.

Then grandmama, papa's mommy passed away when you were 30 days old and mama left you with grandaunt to attend the funeral. It was a painful five days being separated from you my precious baby boy, but an adult gotta do what they gotta do. It was painful to think that you will grow up not knowing your grandmama too... She is an exemplary woman, I shall tell you lots of stories about her when you are bigger.

You were a champ in the plane when mama flew back when you were 35 days to bring you back home. Grandmama (mama's mom) hogged you for the most of the journey, not wanting to let you go, not even when mama wanted to hold you. Grandpapa (mama's dad) took care of all the bags, a baby is so small yet requires so much luggage! Know that you are very much loved my baby boy.

You only cried twice the entire flight, once for feeding and another time for diaper change as you soiled yourself. Luckily the old wives' remedy for ear popping worked for you. We are going to many places after this when you are bigger my baby boy, gotta use your passport to the fullest the next five years. *wink*

At first, especially when mama first cared for you, unfamiliarity with your cues and habits made it quite frustrating for the both of us. Slowly, after a week or so, mama learned to read your cries and your preference, you are one fussy little one dear baby boy.

There was once in the middle of the night when all were asleep, mama was so tired she just popped the pacifier into your mouth and the next thing she knows when she woke up, it was already 7am, you slept through the night without a feeding! Mama panicked and quickly fed you despite you being asleep and all. Then mama found out a small baby like you is capable of sleeping through the night and won't feel hunger if you are sleeping and not crying.

Of course by now, 10 weeks, you still need constant feeding, you are like a little alarm clock, every two hourly feeding on normal days. Sometimes you chose to sleep more and you can stretch your sleep/naps to 4-5 hours.

Your waking time is longer now too. There was once you refused to sleep for six hours straight. You wanted to see the world, you kept staring and turning your head in all directions. You didn't cry much so we let you join us in the living room, you looking around while papa and mama enjoyed a movie marathon while feeding you in between, the three of us in our little home.

A BABY CHANGES YOUR LIFE
True, papa and mama's lives have changed the moment you came into the picture but the change is in a good way.

True, 'sacrifices' had to be made like lacking sleep, lacking freedom to just leave the house without having to pack the entire nursery supplies (nearly exaggerating), smelly poo on a daily basis, mama never felt so much relief when you poo after one whole day of no poo, suddenly the study of poo became mama's new interest and google helped a lot.

However, all these 'sacrifices' are not really a big deal after all, they are easily made up the moment we hold you, our precious little bundle in our arms, you feel so soft and cuddly and the feeling is 'you are finally home with us', the feeling is the most peaceful and comfortable feeling mama has ever felt.

You still haven't really smile your first real smile yet, you still haven't laughed yet, yet you have already captured our hearts just by being there in our lives.

Thank you my baby boy.

People say you are lucky to be born and have a family like us, however I will say mama and papa are VERY LUCKY to have a precious little one like you in our family. You are truly our blessing. We love you so so so much and will try not to spoil you (too much). *wink*

Hugs,
Mama

(pix of our sleeping baby in Week 8 who likes to cover his eyes, so no need for face mosaic to protect his privacy)