Monday, 18 July 2011

My First Letter to My Future Self - July 18, 2011

This is meant as a reflection, to write down my thoughts and also as a reminder of the frailty of human life.

Dear Sue (in the future),

I'm writing to you, my future self, at this point in time. Today is a cool, cloudy Monday, July 18th, 2011, and our fourth wedding anniversary on July 14th just came and went without much 'feeleefaalaa' - remember that's our favourite phrase for 'frills'? :-) *chuckles softly to self*

This is kinda cool, writing to you, my future self, we are the one and same person, and we share the same private joke. :o)

Okay, let's start the reflection. You know I always think that I can become like my mother and be happily married, have beautiful children who grow up to be successful, and have a fulfilling life. So far I have all that my mother has accomplished at her age now, the only thing lacking is a child. By the time she was my age, she already 'closed shop' and already popped out her third and youngest child. I know this kinda thing cannot be rushed or compared that way, but we are just humans, comparison is a sure thing to make sure our species advanced in life, so comparison is only natural.

Last Saturday, July 16th, I was waiting for my turn at the specialist clinic (gynae/BM: Klinik Pakar Sakit Puan) - the Bersih 2.0 rally/demonstration on July 9th, the week before caused all the doc's appointment to be pushed to last Saturday, a week after the rally. It took me a whole 5 hours just to return home after leaving home for my appointment, and the doc is only 10-min-drive away. Oh, the drive was okay a week after the rally.. it's the number of ladies waiting cos they are all cramped into one day due to the cancelled appointments, hence the long wait. -_-

So in that four and a half hours of waiting among all the other ladies waiting to see the very patient and gentle male doctor, I read my newspaper from cover to cover, and suddenly a deep sense of loss and emptiness engulfed me. Around me, were many baby bumps carried proudly by ladies in all stages of the trimester. Some are alone, some are accompanied by their partners. Of course there are some who are middle-aged and some who have flat tummies, but they are in the minority, including myself.

The deep sense of vacuum inside quickly overcame me and I find myself tearing up. First, sadness cos I'm still childless. Second, the feeling of blame came - at first I blamed life for being unfair (as usual), then the blame turned to myself - I started blaming myself for being useless for not being able to make my husband a father. I blamed myself for not being able to make my own parents a first-time-grandparents, I also started blaming myself for not being able to be a 'normal' woman, what's the use of being a woman, and being married, and not being able to conceive naturally? Geez.. it was a downward spiral down the dark abyss deep inside me, it's so scarily alone down there.

Then the last feeling came - self-loathe. I hated myself for being less-than-a woman for not being able to carry a baby inside me. Just as I thought it doesn't get worse than that, I actually felt the first drop of tear threatening to wash down my face. I folded my newspaper (which I was reading the second round anyway), and started turning to my mobile phone and started texting to share the magnamity of my feelings at that moment. I sent so many text messages (sms) that day, in that short 2-3 hours, that I think my girl friend didn't know what else to say and finally after awhile, they left me alone. Sorry girl friends, I didn't know what to do without distracting myself, or else I'll be this nutcase who's sobbing while reading the newspaper at the gynae's waiting lounge.

To cut a long story short, got back home, the heart still felt heavy. Then when I was walking through the door, my in-laws greeted me, they were staying with me for the past two weeks, with their grandson (eldest son's son, my hubby's nephew), who is also our godson. The 14-month-old toddler could barely stand up unassisted, so he crawled quickly towards me from across my tiny living room, with a big grin on his face, showing some of his half-grown teeth, and when he reached where I was standing, the little baby held on to my pants for support, stood up and looked up at me. Gosh, at that moment, I felt like crying in joy, I smiled instead. I held him up in my arms and it was as if a sudden force pulled me up from the dark abyss of my emotions just to see a child's unconditional smile at you.

It doesn't matter that he is not mine, at this point in life, I'm part of his world. And for that, I'm thankful. I count my blessings and opened my eyes a little bit more to the little things in life to be grateful for, and not to count our losses or emptiness so much. It is natural to be down sometimes, but with each down, there will be an up. So I'm hanging on. :-)

Yours truly,
Sue (2011)

post-script: The first comment on this blog, CS, is my husband. Thank you so much for reminding me of how much loved I am. Hugs.


CS said...

Dear wife of now and future,

Since you said this letter is for your future self, so i'm writing here as a comment to both you and the future you :)

I know you are telling everyone I'm a man with very few words. But I hope this comment can fit my reply and words.

You're not alone. I'm always by your side and please remember this my dear, no one has ever blame on you, your current self, or your pass and even your future self.

As you always say, something happen for a reason. I believe in that. Perhaps we are not having a baby now is a blessing in disguise; it make sound ackward or funny but perhaps, if we have baby, our life will be totally different from now. Agree?

It may be good it may be bad, we can't tell, perhaps the future you and I when that day comes we can reply here again in the comment :)

Anyway, we are always around you. I'm always around and always will support you. Even if we are destinied to be in current situation till the day we die, rest assured, I'll be by your side holding you and support you. I love you.

yinpei said...

Dear Sue (and perhaps future Sue?)

As I logged into my FB acc, your blog's post was first on my news feed, and it totally caught my attention. :)

There's a Japanese song which I loved very much, entitled "Tegami", meaning "Letter", which was about a 15-yr old girl writing to her future your post immediately reminded me of that song.

I was reading through your post word by word, and felt I must leave a comment when I'm done.

As you said, we're humans, and it's unavoidable that we compare ourselves to you were comparing yourself to your mother,I was actually comparing myself to you. Being a bachelorette at this age, I do envy you...

"Everything happens for a reason"..
"Whatever happens, it must be good"..

All those phrases are easier said than done, but still, it can be done..CS also believed in it..hehe

Anyway, you have a great family, and a wonderful husband who is always by your side, so don put any blame on yourself...remember, having a child is not a 1-person's's a couple's thing, so BOTH OF YOU are ALWAYS in this together... :)

CS: Please take good care of Sue till the end of time..I'm counting on you! (^o^)

ngarnitz said...

Dearest Sue of now and the future,

After reading what you blog and especially after reading the message from your loving husband, there is nothing else I can say because he has said it all. This man has accepted you as his wife, his partner for life, through the good and bad. It is not time for you to have a child yet, and yes I know how much you would love to become a mother. But for now, just hold on to what you have. You have the most loving husband that is going to be with you through thick and thin, you have friends and even me, your big sister from the USA.

Life pulls us down into the dark abyss at times, trust me I've been there more than I care to admit. Live for today, I've always told you good things come to those who wait. Really they do, I waited all my life for a loving husband, 3 years ago I found him, yes it's Dan.

Always remember you are loved very much. That little precious godson you have loves you very much, hold on to that dear sister! It's ok to cry when you feel down and have that empty feeling, trust me, I've done that too. Most of the time there was no one around to comfort me, but I am a survivor and you are too!!!

Love you very much Sue now and the future as well. And to CS, take care of my sister as I know you will!

Hugs and loves

ngarnitz said...

I think I goofed. lol I didn't see you had to approved it. Thank you sister!