Dearly Departed

I struggle to find the right words for this blog post.

It has been 9 years since my grandpa passed on and 3 years since my mother-in-law passed on. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes the heart just feels numb. Memories are highlighted in fragments. You find yourself keep reliving the memories, good and bad over and over again, and you catch yourself looking on with nostalgia at old photographs.

The desperate clinging on to every single memory that you can keep in mind is further reinforced by the clinging of the few possessions that you still keep.

I panicked when the blouse I kept with mommy's scent lost its scent when I reached out to it and smelt it after so long... I tried imagining the smell is still there but it is just gone.. another part of mommy lost...but the smell is committed into memory.

I still call my late mom-in-law "Mommy". I still call my grandpa "Gong Gong".

I was sitting down in Singapore one day and I whiffed a scent of his favourite Brylcream haircream and I half expected him to be near me. Instead I saw an old man of Chinese descent, dressed in a similar style as Gong Gong, only he is much younger than Gong Gong's 95 years, yet just seeing that old man is like seeing an apparation of Gong Gong and I could not help but rudely stared for quite some time until I tried to hide my stare and started to peek... The feelings that surfaced were so strong I felt like crying in joy at such familiar memories and crying in sadness cos I deeply miss him.

Sometimes you miss a departed loved one so much your heart felt like it would burst. Sometimes you feel angry that their time is so short and you wish for just one more day with them to spend more time with them just to hear their voice again and to feel their touch and just to see them again in person. Like me, sometimes I wonder what if they are still alive. Will my son's life be different and be better shaped just because he could meet his grandma and greatgrandpa? Alas, that will remain a big What If. It is just not meant to be.

Such is the attachment we have to our dearly departed... Life goes on... but we are just too emotionally fragile sometimes and it is okay to miss them and let the tears fall once in awhile.

RIP May we find solace that our loved ones have departed to a peaceful, happier place.

 Image grabbed from Lotus Flower Project

UPDATE ON ABBY

JULY 4, 2015 (continuation from earlier blog post http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2015/06/mid-year-crisis.html)

Today (July 3) is a glorious day ... after 10 nights in ICU (and the earlier 2 nights in a private hospital) our sister Abby is finally transferred out from ICU to a normal ward.

As she had fasciotomy performed to save her limb (left arm), her entire arm is of no use at the moment.. the doctor has not ascertained the exact extent of the dead muscles but we are told she still has enough muscles left to regain most use of her left arm, if not 100%... the road ahead will be a slow and painful one for her as she struggle with relearning how to move and use her left arm. She can barely clench her fingers now and she cannot unflex her grasp without the help of her right hand.

She still needs to be hospitalised as the doctor needed to perform further operations on her and they are leaving the wound open, mostly unstitched as that is usually what fasciotomy is and it shall be a few more weeks for her at the hospital and then some more weeks of medical leave until she is fit enough to go back to work.. driving will be a problem.. but she shall have us by her side at every juncture of the journey.

We are thankful for all prayers and well wishes from all. We truly are grateful and glad we still have Abby with us and most importantly she is going to live to celebrate her 30th birthday in August.

Her internal organs are out of danger (hence the transfer out from ICU) and her blood levels are back to normal, well, almost normal.

And yes.. her initial diagnosis was dengue fever which she has contracted the second time in 6 years and neither of the remedies worked... not papaya leaf juice.. young papaya fruit sap.. crabs soup and flesh... not frog with bitter gourd.. not this not that.. we have literally tried everything up till her platlets dropped to below critical to dangerously low below 15.

What helped were constant blood transfusion alternating with platelet transfusions and lots of prayer and positive thoughts sent her way. She was drifting in and out of consciousness as her organs were under attack, especially her liver, which caused her blood to not be like us normal people hence causing compartment syndrome.

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/2058838-overview

If you see the link above.. it must be performed within 6 hours of it happening yet Abby only had it done after 2 days as her blood works were not good enough for surgery or else she will risk excessive bleeding to death. Hence the death of her muscles. She is very lucky in the sense that they didn't have to sacrifice her arm in order to save her life, i.e. amputation after allowing the arm to die. She saw the scar this morning when they were doing dressing and it was depressing  but she quickly forced herself to accept the scar and the still open wound as part of her now. We are so proud of how brave she is.

Doctors said her condition was very critical where mortality rate is high especially with an almost definite mortality for the very young or very old... and we were right to fear her death. She fought and won and for that we are truly thankful.

If she is to get dengue the third time it will be even more dangerous. She is renting with her husband at a landed property, single storey terrace house now. My parents are persuading them to move to higher floors, i.e. condominiums when she is discharged but we shall cross the bridge when we come there.

Her husband also contracted dengue at the same time and recovered quickly within a week with lots of 100Plus and rest at home. No need for the remedies, etc. We were quite taken aback by some well wishes who vehemently preached certain remedies and implied that our mother had not tried hard enough to save her. God knows how much we tried and to what extent our dear mother has tried for her youngest daughter to the extent of begging for the ingredients from the gardens of strangers.

At our most worrying and trying times, it got too much for our parents to even answer phone calls or reply to messages on whatsapp or even meet and talk with another person... each time they relate to an individual about our sister's condition, they will be sad and tears tend to fall.. imagine you have 100 enquiries and you need to cry 100 times... it was really emotionally taxing.. if your queries went unanswered during that period, we are truly sorry but for our sanity and to keep things together... we needed to shut out the world for awhile.

With Abby's life out of danger now, our family can now sleep soundly for the first time in nearly 2 weeks.

AGAIN, THANK YOU for your support and we believe every prayer counts in her recovery. With every worst scenario that was presented to us, many u-turns were provided that somehow our sister managed to scrap through with the slightest margin.. and we were met with much kindness, many sympathetic nurses and doctors, much support from every one, most who have never known Abby personally and many who donated blood to replenish the hospital's blood bank for the general good, and the many prayers and well wishes from everyone whom we may not be able to name one by one... from the bottom of our hearts.. thank you. We saw the true human spirit and have not lost hope with humanity. We are truly blessed. Thank you for the help and prayers rendered from people from multiracial and multireligious backgrounds or denominations. We saw religious tolerance at its best when it is a matter of life and death.

THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR HUMANITY.

THANK YOU.

p/s- Aedes mosquito breeding grounds must be eliminated... Dengue is very real and it really can kill.

I would not wish this upon anyone or for any family to go through the grief or heartache of this illness.. And there is still no medicine for this. Forget the traditional remedies.. seek treatment from the government hospital immediately and get your blood tests done. My sister was initially rejected a blood test from a 24 hour clinic near our are in Setapak, we are still contemplating if we should pursue further action with that clinic with two very sarcastic locum doctors (visited twice in two consecutive evenings). Go straight to a hospital if you display the symptoms of dengue which may include high or low grade fever with extreme pain on your bones and joints and a terrible splitting headache and lethargy.

May all beings be well and happy.

Sabbe Satta Bhavantu Sukhitatha.

Papparich Service Terrible... Sucks doesn't even begin to describe it

Never thought my year-end post will be like this but here goes, LONG POST AHEAD, and I am still fuming hot!

Papparich Service Terrible

We arrived to a busy restaurant. A slight delay is unavoidable so we were prepared to wait half an hour or so... who knows it took an hour plus for our tummy to be filled. We are 4 adults and a baby. We took our seats with a 10-month-old baby. Asked for high chair before we sat down. Purposely went to the counter in front to ask. In the end we, one has to search for a baby chair ourselves. Sat down. No menu. Had to walk to get it ourselves. Pressed button many times.
Filled form. We submitted our form before the Indian customers two tables away. They haven't even arrived when we submitted the order form.
Indian customers get their drinks first. We waited patiently. Half an hour later no drinks.
Table 69 that is us grew hungry and impatient.
They forgot our order.
Even the table that arrived later than the Indians (no racism intended) got their drinks.

Then one person got her meal 45 minutes after ordering. Second person got her meal 15 mins later. Then last two waited till the other two nearly finished. I finished my drink and ordered another one. It never came.

Went to pay immediately after finishing the very late last two meals as baby is growing restless after more than an hour there.

Thirsty as my second drink never arrived. Messed up my order and brought wrong drink I didn't order.
Manager a Chinese, asked cashier to give 15% discount with no service tax. Cashier gave 8% discount. Then rectified and gave 15% discount but charged service tax for lousy service.had to leave fast as baby was crying. What's the point of saying won't charge service tax and give discount but in the end charge also. Liar.
The men laughed at me when I said I was thirsty. Manager even laughed and offered my drink that never arrived saying cheng lei yam. I said I dont feel like it anymore and he snickered. I then raised my voice and said why so funny. Kenapa ketawa. No one said sorry for snickering at my complaint. Said sorry for service. Can simply laugh at people. I never said any bad words or swear. Simply unprofessional. Pappa rich Sri Rampai near my house is way better than this Sunway Pyramid outlet.
I demand a proper apology for bad service cheating me of a promised discount and for laughing at a customer. I am deeply offended and disappointed.

Receipt number 428606 Saturday Dec 21 2013

Exact complaint lodged at Papparich official website tonight

P/s - Yes, of course they gave me hot water while waiting for my baby's bottle, and yes, they did offer me air kosong, plain water after I asked at the cashier when paying - don't you have water? Kamu tidak ada air kosong ka? More than 5 times. FIVE FREAKING TIMES and MORE.

Missing Someone Who Will Never Come Back

A breath away is not far to where you are....

I miss my late mother-in-law.

I really miss her now even when I am typing this alone in the living room while hubby is in the bedroom with our son... I miss her a lot.

I haven't really cried after she passed away. I actually have no regrets because I did my best for her and said all that I wanted to say... but I really miss her. I miss her it hurts so much everytime our boy cries and I wonder if it was his tummy hurting or his ear hurting, I wanted to call mommy and ask and I realised she is no longer here. When I saw how our life feels so empty because we are lacking that every two or three days phone call to mommy and say Hello to her in a sing-song manner.

I miss her belly laugh and how cheerful she seems whenever we talk, knowing very well we brought her happiness in her final years... I have no regrets I decided to hold on and started my mission to learn to love her, ... I have since truly loved another mother who isn't my own mother from the bottom of my heart, I deeply miss her.. the screen is blur now due to my tears... gosh, I miss mommy so much....

She will never see our son grow up. She will never see him take his first step, she will never hear him call her po po. If we have more children after our firstborn, she will never know... or maybe she knows from up there in Heaven because that is where she should be. With a heart that big, always selfless, she must be in Heaven now. Maybe she is polishing the Heaven's gates because she always said she will fall asleep if she just sit still doing nothing.

My birthday is coming soon... mommy celebrated my birthday three times with me last year... it was as if she knew she could not spend time with me anymore after last year, 2012.... she made longetivity noodles and cooked two eggs she dyed red for good luck and prosperity for me during my Chinese Lunar Birthday, then we had a great Karaoke dinner in a private room where she kissed me and gamely posed again for my sister to catch the kiss on replay... then on my actual birthday early October we had dinner with Pei in Kuching where we sought treatment for her tumours... three times, not once did we talk about death or dying... it wasn't until November when I was on unpaid leave, all alone with mommy that she asked me if she was really dying.

I still remembered what I told her... I answered yes to that but when she asked me how much longer she has, I replied that not even the doctor could predict because if the doctor said a few months but she could live a few years then the doctor is lying, and if the doctor said a few years but then she passed away in a few months, then the doctor is lying as well. I kept telling her to be positive and everything will be okay in the end. From May 2012 of final stage cancer... she only passed away on March 19, 2013, 10 months of surviving final stage cancer. She is one strong fighter, our mommy. Just in time for our son to celebrate his 30th day full moon day... mommy's passing away anniversary will always be our son's age minus 30 days.

Mommy, wherever you are, your spirit lives on in us... I shall tell my son about you and what a great grandmother you are, an ordinary woman with great achievements in human values.

I miss you, and I still love you, my only mother-in-law.

xoxo
Sue

Pix of mommy making her famous yong to fu for one last time before she was too weak to stand up in 2012 *miss her and her cooking and everything about her*

30 DAYS... THE BEGINNING AND THE END

Missed Moment of Motherhood

Today my little one just rolled over for the first time from his back to his tummy and I wasn't there to witness it as I was at work....

I feel like I missed one important milestone in my baby's life and feel dreadful after that, I still feel awful as I am typing this so I feel that something's gotta give.... Hmmmm anyway, I digress.

Motherhood is not all bed and roses and taking a tip from one article directed at new mothers, I follow this one golden rule: Take time to look at the pictures of your little one when he is asleep. Looking at pictures of him is totally different from looking at your baby because when you are looking at him you are pressured to meet his needs and cater to him while you will appreciate the miracle your little one is if you look at the pix which gives you an overall sense of wonder at this little bundle of joy. 

I have been shielding my son from the virtual public world since his birth with his face mosaic off on this blog and now that he's over 4 months old, here's an unflattering pix of him with his eyes shut when he took a short nap in the car seat today, tired after playing for the whole afternoon at grandparents' house. He is so very much loved. We love you baby boy. Hugs and kisses. 

30 Days... The Beginning and the End

All alone in the first five rows of the plane heading back to Kuala Lumpur, taking the last flight out.

My mother-in-law's condition is critical now. Her respiratory tract is full of phlegm and she is but skin and bones now. The video my husband took and sent via whatsapp to me is too shocking that I hopped onto the next available flight which is also the last flight out for the day, leaving behind my 30-day-old baby boy. I miss him already.

I have given 30 days to my mother-in-law full time in Nov to care for her in illness and likewise I have given 30 days with my son, today is his 30th day on earth.

I need to tend to the 'end' first before the 'beginning'. Life begins at birth and ends with death, joy and sorrow both come hand in hand in life. I just did not expect both to come at the same time at this point in life.

The inevitable is near.

Please pray for strength and calm for everyone in the Lee family, my hubby's surname is Lee.

Am typing this on a note app in the flight with 1001 things running through my mind. Please let me make it back there in time while she is still somewhat conscious.

I pray for peace and pain-free last moments for this woman I call mommy. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers as well. *hugs*

Post note: Received this the moment my plane landed - Mommy just passed away at 22:56

Related Post:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-mother-in-law-62th-birthday.html

Reflection on accepting death: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/reflection-on-accepting-death.html

REMEMBER THIS

Something big is happening

Dear blog,

Something big is about to happen, I have been beside myself for many months now... this is getting too much to bear.

:)I have a smile on my face, and I have secret I can't tell you, a very good secret.

Today (Feb 16, 2013) is the 7th Day of the Chinese Lunar New Year. Usually the Lunar New Year is celebrated for 15 days. Today is Human Birthday for all humans in the world, "Ren Ri". Happy Birthday to all humans!

Happy Lunar New Year to all those who are celebrating!

To be continued in about a week's time or more...

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

The "Misunderstood" Kids - We are not stupid, we are just misunderstood.

This blogpost is an English translation from Bahasa Malaysia (Malaysia's National Language), also written by the same author, Sue - Versi asli dalam Bahasa Malaysia di sini

WARNING: LONG BLOGPOST AHEAD

The Malaysian national education sistem's core is based on one mission - that is for children aged 7 to 12 to be able stay in primary (elementary) school, which is made compulsory by law, and upon completing six years in primary school, the child should be able to achieve basic skills like Reading, Writing and Counting/Arithmetic. In Bahasa Malaysia, they are called the 3M - Membaca, Menulis dan Mengira, which translates to Reading, Writing and Counting - the '-ing' in English is equivalent to 'Me-' in Bahasa Malaysia.

As far as I know, the 3M concept has been incorporated in Malaysia's education stem since the 'Learning' era before everything was standardised to 'Education'.

I would like to share some anecdotes on the Malaysian education system, especially the primary (elementary) school education in Malaysia.

Not every student age 7 (on 31 December of that year or on Jan 1 the following year), who started Primary One (Standard One knows how to read or write. Despite the trend for children to start going to pre-school before their Primary School years start at the age of 7, there are stil some families who cannot afford to send their kids to pre-school. Hence, in some areas, there are teachers who have to deal with a big gap of the level of Mastery of the 3M skills among students.

I still remember, our teachers would beam with pride when their 'good' students could write all the 26 letters in the alphabets and pronounce all the syllables in the words without any flaws. When some students kept quiet, they will be called 'stupid' and ridiculed in many manners. When I think back, I shudder to ponder on the possible trauma and psychological effects on these students who are laughed at by the whole class just because they are labelled as 'stupid' or dumb. Some teachers (only a fraction, not all), tend to laugh and ridicule others who cannot fulfill the society's requirements of 'normal' which is the basic learning standards like reading and writing properly. If the students are slower a little bit in academic performance, they will surely be laughed at and called 'stupid'.

Why am I moved to write this article?

I HAVE A GOOD FRIEND, let's call her Madam A, who shared with me her tale of her son's 'predicament' not too long ago.

Her son, N, cannot talk as a normal 6-year-old.

"Trust me, Sue, we have sought out government specialist clinic, underwent tests and our kid is normal, he is not autistic. He is only delayed in speech. Many people commented that we are irresponsible parents, we fail to teach our son to talk. However, N's elder sisters had no speech delay. We do not want our son to be like this!

"The most hurtful is when people leer at our son when he uttered incomprehensible words like 'ya ya ta ta' while pointing to something that caught his attention. To add salt to injury, There was once when a doctor acted as if our son. N, is mentally ill," lamented Madam A.

Madam A is concerned that her son N will be labelled as stupid in primary school when he is 7 in 2013.

Some teachers (not all, perhaps only a fraction) are of the habit to be impatient at slow students, some even go to the extent of scolding the words "stupid and fools" in front of the rest of the class.

This brought back memories from over 20 years ago. There was a boy named Larry who moved to our school in Standard Four from a village school. Being a school in town, our standards of education were on quite on par with those from the city. We were shocked when Larry could barely read and write. At age 10, he only knew all 26 alphabets and could not string the letters together. It was painstaking just watching him read a single word, "S-A sa Y-A ya, saya". Of course he was laughed at and he laughed at himself as well. According to my classmates, Larry returned to his village after Standard Six and there is no more news from him after that.

There are always a small fraction of children like N and Larry, yet they are not considered seriously impaired that they needed to be classified 'mentally retarded'.

How can we provide equal education opportunity for these kids in Malaysia, or as a matter of fact, in the whole world? Like in Larry's case, the remedial teacher helped to nurture him to a certain extent where he could spell out basic words and make simple sentences in that short few years (age 10-12).

Teachers cannot afford to spend more time on slower students so the 'slow' are usually left behind while 'the normal ones' are focused upon by the teachers.

This post is NOT meant to lash out at anyone, just to share some thoughts.

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build them up with work out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

P/S - And the women shall be equals? Ah well, we get the drift, Kipling. Shall strive to excel and persevere while keeping our virtues. Thanks for the motivating poem which tide me through my preteen years and now in my 30s.

Happy 11th Birthday to my eldest god daughter Rachel dearie, 11.11.2012 and she is 11! Gotta love her birth date! Mommy loves you too!

Third Letter to My Younger Self (Tegami reprise) アンジェラ・アキAngela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君

I am listening to my favourite Japanese song, Tegami, google up アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君 which tells of a story of how a 15-year-old found it hard to live on in life and wrote a letter to her future self and her future self actually replied.



Here is another letter to myself. You can read about my previous letter here. Or just click on 'letters' on the labels menu for all the letters I've written, more like open letters, I'm an open book anyway. :-)

Dear Sue (myself) who just got married in 2007,

You should still be grieving for the loss of our little one (RIP 09092007) who did not even have the chance to be born and breathe his/her first breath of life... the pain is raw, especially in the first four years, but trust me, by 2011, you can talk about it calmly without shedding a tear. The sadness is still there, but I guess we just get stronger as time passes.

I know by now, end Oct, you feel like life is ending for you, you are blaming everyone and most of all, we blamed ourselves, and lashed out at the closest person, our darling husband, bless his kind soul. He is not a man of many words and yes, he is a loving man, despite his lack of sensitivity, he will surprise us, dear Sue, yes, I never knew love has no limit, I love him now even more than when I first married him. Guess this is what love is all about, not bound by any limit?

No, we don't have a kid yet five years plus from now, the pregnancy test kit is still showing the single line of negative. Trust me, all the months of trying and disappointment is a 'training' for us to be stronger and face what lies ahead of us. What you may ask? I didn't see the answer back then but now I can tell you this:

With the many happenings in my life right now, example - this, I find that my husband and I (and generally the whole family and everyone linked to us socially), are growing by leaps and bounds especially when it comes to self-reflection, character-reflection, changes in life's outlook (thoughts and opinions) and I can sum it up with one phrase: we all learn how to be true humans. My mother-in-law taught us all that.

In the past, in healthier times, our mother-in-law would do all she could, cook, clean, care, cook, clean care, she repeats all these with a fervent desire to give the very best to her loved ones, she does not discriminate even if it is a stranger asking for a glass of water at her gate, or the last customer to arrive when she was about to pack up and go home when she was selling cakes and delicacies called "kueh" (gway), sweet stuff she made and I was told her generosity extended to the extent she literally gave away free "kueh" at the end of the day.

There is not a single thought of greed in this noble woman, not a single shred of selfishness, she is truly selfless and only live to serve others. Some more materialistic people may think this is foolish, but over the years, the short five years I have been her daughter-in-law, I began to see things from her point of view.
You don't lose anything just by being helpful and generous, instead, you gain satisfaction and you gain more by giving.

Our mother-in-law truly embraced the meaning of giving unconditionally, loving unconditionally, she found joy in serving others.

I plan to write a book on her and I have started a bit on that, starting with this blogpost, I shall take November off from work and accompany her, be by her side wherever she goes, and I shall start typing away on my laptop, I shall remember to save everything and back it up on my thumb drive just in case my laptop fail me. I shall ask her questions if I am stumped, but that won't be much, I remember almost everything, every little story, every anecdote she told me since I first called her "Auntie" in 2004, up till now, I call her "Mommy". I guess every woman who talks a lot remembers a lot too as we relate and repeat the stories to one another.

My summary is:
In the past one and a half months, coming to two months, I have learned and still learning the art of living from this admirable woman I call my mother-in-law.

She is a simple woman, some may even call her one of the simple country-folk, a typical housewife, but to everyone whose lives she touched, she is more than that! She is the epitome of the perfect woman, virtuous, God-fearing (she believes in the Goddess of Mercy and surrenders her fate to Her), generous, always putting others before Self (she has truly learned the art of mastering "Anatta", Buddhism teaching for no-self, no-ego), even in the past two months, her learning curve is pretty steep and she has actually perfected her character and started to let go a lot! I feel like she is almost a saint, my mother-in-law!

To the Sue five years ago,
I know you feel like life is at the bleakest now, especially when you yearn so much for a child and have him/her taken so suddenly away from you, it is rough on darling hubby too, but let me tell you this, if we have a cute adorable five-year-old now, we cannot do what we are doing now. We cannot grow as much as we are growing now (not growing fat, but growing up).

Darling hubby is growing up too, we are actually more mature and we are learning new things everyday, the meaning of what it truly means to be human.

It is simple, no religious incantations, no prayer, just one word: "ACCEPTANCE".

Remember how we used to ask: WHY? Why me? Why now? Why not?

Now I know why and I tell you this:

Everything happens for a reason. Whatever that happens, no matter how bad, it must be good. There is always hope in despair. Even when the going gets tough, the tough always get going. Yeah, I know, cliche but they are all TRUE!

Why are we still childless? The way I look at it, it is because we are meant to be serving this noble woman who have always put others before herself. How can we fully concentrate in caring for our beloved mother-in-law if we have a toddler or two towing along? We will feel bad if we neglect our kid(s) to care for an elderly, knowing our motherly instinct!

It is as if the jigsaw puzzle pieces are coming together and I can finally see the whole picture, mommy (yeah, we call her mommy now, we truly love her now, you know), mommy needs us to be by her side, and we are willing to be by her side and THANK GOODNESS we are childless now. It is a blessing in disguise. We are still in our early 30s, Sue, we can still try. Mommy needs us now. We shall be strong, child(ren) can wait.

It is a chance denied to many, to care for the elderly and repay all their love for us. I feel blessed, so hang in there. All will end well in the end. Have faith!

Yours lovingly,
Sue (Oct 27, 2012)

If you wish to read more, follow these in chronological order:

Since they are already published anyway, just sharing these if you have a few minutes to spare:

Read this first:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-yo
unger-self-tegami.html


All written from my heart.

1. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-first-letter-to-my-future-self-july.html

2. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/07/our-love-story-how-i-became-mrs-lee-in.html

3. http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-younger-self-tegami.html

I admit I still have a lot to learn and I am still trying to improve on my manners, speech and thoughts. Sorry if I have offended anyone with my direct speech sometimes, and my hormonal emotional outbursts especially when I was younger and just newly married to the Lee family.

My reflection on mommy's illness started the second day after I found out (Dr Catherine told me at just before 5pm on Sept 5, 2012) - a snapshot of my 'journey' and what I have learned the past one month plus:

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/spending-last-moments-together.html

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/in-fog-and-mist.html

Then I started to reflect and wrote this one: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/how-we-should-treat-elders.html

After we visited nenek in Sarawak, or when we decided to visit nenek in Sarawak:

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/when-darkness-seemed-forever-first-ray.html

Then I reflected on the meaning of love and caring:

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/love-and-attention.html

On my birthday this year I wrote this:

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/2012-birthday-wish.html

Then hubby and I went for counselling at a Hospis (free of charge) and I was moved by this hanging on the wall:

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/never-give-up.html

Then after mommy told me directly she isn't afraid of death, I wrote this:

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/accepting-death.html

And finally my third letter above:

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-younger-self-tegami.html

In the Fog and Mist

I feel like I am in the thick fog and mist right now. I made an essential trip recently, full of hope and desperation, for the sake of a loved one.

Will blog more about it when the time is right. Time is precious now. I need to rethink my mid-year resolution on my Blogging frequency and make it once a week instead of three times a week as something more pressing is way more urgent to attend to in life right now. Prayers for speedy recovery appreciated. I love this person too much to lose so early.

Till next week, may all be well and happy, free from pain and suffering and mental anguish and anxiety. Pix taken from the plane to reflect my feelings -End-

Spending each precious moment together

Open Letter to my ex-students (Soon-to-be College Grads)

Dear students,

Class (as I always addressed all of you)

I know some of you may not be in my Advanced class anymore, if I ever see you again after this, chances are, you will be a grown-up, an adult who are working or married or become parents yourselves. Gosh, makes me feel so old and like you are part of my life and me as a 'parent' in a small role in shaping your future.

Class,

I am but a human being, I am not perfect, but remember, neither are you all.

I make mistakes, I am late for some classes, I do procrastinate sometimes (especially marking and returning your work), I talked too loudly, my words are not 'filtered' and I have emotions and feelings which may not be all happy and cheerful at all times, in other words, I tend to offend some of you at one point or other.

For every heart that I break or hurt, I am sorry, there are no excuses, it is something I could prevent but didn't.

For every feeling/mind that I hurt/scare, I am sorry, there are no excuses, I put it down to feelings of frustration in trying to control the class hence I resorted to threat and punishment.

For every barbed/harsh words I said, I am sorry, my mouth is faster than my brain sometimes, I regretted saying it the moment I see the looks of hurt and pain and even shock in your faces right after the words flew from my lips. I am truly sorry, I am still imperfect but I vow to improve, especially my speech.

For all my shoddiness in terms of professionalism at work, I am sorry, I have my lazy days too, that is not an excuse but remember, only 12-15 years ago, I was just like you all, a student of Mass Communication with an indisputable lazy bones, I amaze myself sometimes, why did I choose to be an educator?

The reason is simple. The reason I stayed on as an educator is due to all of you, my students.

You make me feel young and full of energy, you make me laugh and sometimes push me to the edge with anger and frustration, yet when you showed improvement or understanding, I felt so touched I can cry! I only want the best out of you, not only in exam results and assignment marks, but I wish to have a little space in your mind/heart that when you think of certain stuff like the 'Yellow M' you always call, you correct yourself and said to yourself, "Ms Tiong said it is the Golden Arch", and remember that Nike has a "Swoosh", it is not called a 'tick'.

For DPR3, I think my trademark most-used phrase is "Ada faham?", Do you understand?

For previous batches, I changed my most-used phrase from "Dunno", and my most recent phrase "Ada faham?".

Each batch is uniquely different and trust me, even if some of you can be a pain, I enjoy every moment with you all, bad or good.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the journey with me, for helping me to help you to be better humans (I hope), sometimes I feel like I wish I could just upload all that I know and experienced to all of you with a click of the mouse or by connecting to your USB drive (like Avatar), however you will then be denied a chance to truly live and make your own mistakes and learn.

I apologise for all my short comings and trust me, you all have touched my heart and become a part of me no matter how you were in my class.

I wish you all the very best in life and do not forget what it truly means to be human - to not feel sorry at the end of the day when you are about to leave this life. Ms Tiong loves you all.

-End-

Citibank ING (Malaysia) Credit Shield Premier A Scam?

Hubby received a telesales call in mid-2012, and after hearing out the offer, hubby agreed to sign up for a totally free Credit Shield Insurance Plan offered by ING insurance company in collaboration with Citibank Credit Card (Malaysia).

The terms he was told (and double confirmed in that phone call) is that he doesn't need to pay a single cent if he has no credit card outstanding balance every month. He was sent a terms and conditions booklet in the mail and kept it, did not think too much about it.

Anyway, come August, the statement reflected a 21bucks charge for Credit Shield insurance premium. He double checked with the terms and conditions and the previous months for any outstanding balance and confirmed that he has paid up all his credit card outstanding balance IN FULL every month. The Credit Shield premium was first reflected as 0bucks in July statement. The deal was he is given free insurance as a reward for paying his credit card balance in full every month. No extra charges for the insurance coverage.

He called Citibank and was told that the insurance plan is only free the first month and will be charged a nominal fee based on subsequent months' outstanding balance of credit spent every month. Hubby was livid and pointed out there is no mention of that clause in the written agreement he received. However, the customer service person finally said they will refund the 21bucks and asked hubby to email or fax to request for a termination of the insurance coverage. He claimed that it is ING's fault for changing the clause. Oh, well, then it is their fault for overlooking that change!

Anyway, just a rant because this is the second Citibank Credit Card issue hubby encountered so far. At least this time, the result seems amicable. Keep it up, Citibank!

Love - Can you measure Love?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways - Shakespeare

You only hurt the deepest when you love the deepest - romantic love, parent-child love, family love, friendship love, love of a passion/hobby, love, love, love.

Can we measure love? No, that's why we have the simile - I love you more than the highest mountain and the deepest sea, my feelings for you are true just like the tale as old as time, as old as the sea. A mother's love knows no bounds and extends with each child she has, she has limitless love for each and every child.

So how do we measure love? We don't. As simple as that.

However with every logic-thinking person, they will try to reason and measure love. Some even Prioritise their love, hence we have favouritism, biased preferences, etc in organizations, institutions, in the society and closer to home, in the family. Why do we need to choose? Didn't they sing that love makes the world a better place? Heal the World with love?

It beats me. I guess hatred is easier to feel than love. Prove me wrong please, people of the world.

Food for thought to start a brand new week. 2012 is ending in less than four months. Have we loved enough so far?

A Mother's Heart

(Based on a true story)
My Dear Son,

You are my pride and joy,
I love you wish all my heart
From the moment I knew you were in me
I cried tears of joy when you were born,
Such a miracle,
Such joy,
I have a son to call my own.

Growing up you were such a joy to watch,
Daddy beamed in pride too,
Oh you were such a happy child,
We couldn't wait for you to grow up
To see what successes you can achieve,
To make us even happier and prouder.
My heart as a mother would burst in pride of our precious son.

Somehow FATE has been kind to us.
You scored distinctions all the way in school,
Our hearts bloomed when you won scholarships,
We kept our tears away from you,
As your studies took you away from home.
You are missed but we knew we cannot hold you back.

We are no longer your centre of universe,
Our baby son has grown up,
Left our 'nest' before age 18,
However your mother still dreams of you as her baby boy,
Hoping her baby will return to his mother one day.

My dear son,
You found a girl and brought her home,
She's nice and polite and pretty to look at,
Seeing you so happy made me glad,
But a part of me died inside,
I am losing more of my son, my baby boy,
Pardon me if I said all the things I shouldn't say,
Forgive me if I did anything that only drove you further away,
Know that it is a mother's heart,
in desperate attempt to hold onto her precious baby son,
Oh my son, I fear I will lose you,
My pride and joy,
My life, my reason to live.

In my heart,
A mother's heart,
My son, you will always be No.1,
In your heart, I don't wish to be No.1, that should be your wife, the same girl you brought home for us to see,
I don't wish to be No.2, that should be your career,
I don't wish to be No.3, that should be your future children whom you should care as much as I cared for you,
A mother's wish is only that you reserve a tiny corner in your heart,
Just to remember the woman who carried you in her womb,
Gave birth to you, despite the pain and loss of nourishment with childbirth,
Nourish you with her blood and brain cells through her breasts,
Endured pain when you suckled hard even when her milk was running out,
Whatever you wish to have,
She strives to give you the best,
Instilling good values to be a good human,
Supports your decisions and only wish to be a small part of your life
A part of Your successful adult life,
Is this small wish too big to ask?

A Mother's Heart,
Cries inside when her darling son fails to call,
When he kept a distance
that seems further and further away,
Forgive your mother's trespassings,
Forgive your mother's shortcomings,
She, like the rest of us, is only human,
Small misgivings added to an accumulated resentment
She is your only mother,
Yet you got further and further away
Her mistakes seemed too big to overlook
Her faults made you cringe,
Her voice made you annoyed,
Her constant nagging and questions out of concern made you frustrated,
The same woman who rocked you to sleep when you were a baby,
Her voice soothing your cries and pains when you were little,
How time change the very same things that once nurtured you
To something that irritates you.

My son,
You will have a son one day,
Your wife will bear you children,
You will love them with all your heart,
Remember that in your children,
Your parents' blood flows as well,
Our blessings, our love, our heritage,
Please leave a tiny corner in your heart,
To remember us,
To tell your children about us,
When our eyes are forever closed.

With all my love,
Your mother.

This is not meant to lash out at anyone from my husband's family. It is meant for my own Tiong famiy. Nothing to do with the Lee family. Thank you for letting me clarity this.

Expendables 2 - Movie Review

The Malaysian movie censorship is pretty strict. Even after censorship, you still can see the gore and blood in the most recent installment of Expendables. Expendables see Jet Li who plays Yin Yang, being featured in the first few scenes and he actually spoke some decent lines (if you can call them decent) and bade farewell to the gang by jumping out in a parachute with a Chinese billionaire, that's it. And he was replaced by a Chinese woman, who isn't exactly a girl and by the reaction I gauge from those seated near me in the cinema, the consensus is she isn't attractive. Sorry Yu Nam. We would expect a prettier face. Maybe Westerners view Asians differently. Anything Asian is 'exotic beauty' I guess.

TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, whoever bought the license for this movie in Malaysia, I hope you will take note that your translator did a 'out of context translation' for the Bahasa Malaysia subtitle.

During the shoot out where the gang ran out of ammo/bullets, they said: "I'm out", and the translation was "Saya pergi" which literally translate to "I am going (out)."

A funnier one which I feel is a disgrace: Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I am almost out"
Subtitle: Saya hampir pengsan.
Translates to: I am nearly fainting/will pass out soon.

This is what happens when translators do not get to watch the movie to get the context and just get thick scripts of dialogues to translate. I don't blame the translators, I blame the decision maker, whoever it is in the company who gains the license to bring this movie into Malaysia. At least check that the subtitles tally before airing it to the Malaysian public?

Back to the review, after censorship by the authorities, the movie only took one hour and 30 minutes and we left the cinema quite dissatisfied. With heavyweight legendary (read: aged and aging) action men except for maybe a man or two, I cannot help but think that their acting could have been better.

Yeah, I admit the old men still got it in the action and buff department, as their bodies could still flex their famed muscles, I still feel Expendables 1 is way better than Expendables 2. Sylvester Stallone, Arnold, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jet Li (appeared for less than 15 mins), and my fav Chuck Norris with his signature music in the background when he appeared, which are more like a cameo - Sorry peeps, you need to find a different genre to diversify or maybe don't accept offers or agree to star in a single movie with too many action heroes, we are confused on who is the real hero in the movie. Nah, as if I'd be confused. But usually the hero will be the last man standing, and we are talking about a gang of men.

Anyway, I digress, for the record, I am a woman so I may be biased when it comes to gore and excessive violence.

Only watch it I'd you are a gamer. Hubby had a field time watching the action and shooting. However he also agrees that it could be better. It certainly isn't the best movie released this year or even this month!

Sorry to say that I have one word to describe the movie and it's actually NOT bad, it's "juvenile".

Enough said.

Pix below grabbed from Wikipedia.

Quick-Dry Hair Wrap

Another post about how gullible women like me can be. See previous post about how sales people target women's vulnerabilities and insecurities.

Anyway, I bought this hair wrap that is supposed to quickly dry your hair. The salesperson claimed if your hair is shoulder length or shorter, it takes about 3-4 minutes to dry when wrapping your hair in it after washing your hair. For my hair, past shoulder length, it should be about 8-10 mins.

I bought a similar product from a thrift shop (USD1.50/SingDollar2/MYR5 per item). That was a few years ago. I used it once and it didn't do much to dry my hair and I put it down as a 'cheap' purchase with low quality.

This time round, I believed the sales person as she sells other wonder products on demo and I 'gambled' and bought many products, one of them was this hair wrap.

There is this button for you to latch on after securing your hair in the wrap. I tried it once, timed myself and 8 mins later, voila, damp hair, still wet but not dripping wet. I think any towel can perform that function.

Hubby touches my damp hair and said, it did dry your front bang, maybe your hair is too thick. (maybe my hair is too thin in front, sob sob).

I tried it the third time, and today I felt moved to write this blog post. I do feel like a fool but I love this colour compare to my previous 'cheaper' purchase so I am keeping it. At least my hair won't be dripping wet when stepping out of the shower. Call it self-comforting or whatever, women are such funny creatures. :)

And of course, it costs 5 times more so of course I'm keeping it!

It's Your Choice - To Be Inspired or Be 'Drained'

It is always a choice. To mix with people who inspires you or to mix with people who literally drains you of your money/time/energy and sometimes even feelings.

I used to be a 'Woe is me' person when I was younger, more than 5 years ago. Speaking from experience, people started to 'avoid' me and starting to talk to each other whenever I greet them in the room, keeping me out: it was a stark contrast to our usual conversation. One of them (lady) actually told me I was pathetic as I kept harping on the same negative issue which I have no control over.

That was harsh at that time and i was reduced to tears but it was a wake up call. Do something about it and not drag others down with your negativity.

Remember that people choose to listen to you and nobody owes you anything.

I was dealing with the loss of a little life when that rebuke happened, a deep hurt that still hurts today. Yes, the rebuke was Harsh, but I was nearly going overboard and losing it, so yeah, I do appreciate my antagonists.

Oh, I don't keep talking about my state of childlessness if that's what you ate thinking, for those who have been reading my blog for some time. :)

I thank my past for making me a much better person today, being more comfortable in my own skin and fats, feeling very much loved, I count my blessings. #gratitude

Related post: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2008/12/it-has-been-year.html

STRESSED? LEARN THE ART OF BREATHING

When you are stressed, one of the tricks people shared with me is to learn the art of deep breathing.

You see, we humans have shallow breathing, at least most of us only use a small percentage of our lungs capacity to inhale, hardly moving the diaphragm (slightly above your tummy).

If you practice deep breathing a few times, if done correctly, you will automatically yawn. That is how relaxing this action is.

Press your abdomen and ensure it goes all out when you breathe in and all in when you breathe out and repeat.

I as guilty as anyone for not making deep breathing my habit. After a couple of attempts, I am yawning and hoping for a nap!

Anyway, the idea is to relax and don't be too hard on yourself, hence reducing stress, hopefully.

Procrastinator? Embracing Procrastination... A reflection on my career

I am a procrastinator. Due to an understanding of that, it comes with 'maturity' to truly see yourself for who you are - a procrastinator who loves the rush of adrenaline when you are striving to meet the deadline, and doing a pretty good job at that - when you meet others of the same nature, i.e. 'practitioners' of procrastination, that sense of 'familiarity' brought back some nostalgic feelings.

I hold the principle that if it doesn't harm anyone, I procrastinate, if it concerns a team, a group or of a larger scale, I finish the task before you can even say start. I am a selective procrastinator that way, I prioritise.

COMMUNICATING IN REAL LIFE AND BEYOND (UTILISING SOCIAL MEDIA)

You see, I have been in my current job for more than three years, and counting. For those uninitiated, I am a lecturer, an educator/teacher, however you call me, I'd like to call myself a communicator as I am sharing what I learned back in university, and also my work experience when I was still 'out there' in the industry - communication - and I find myself 'communicating' to these young people more than 'educating' them anyway. One advantage is that I get at least a third of my yearly number of 'new students' to befriend me on fb annually and I do get some of them as my twitter followers as well.

THE REALITY OF A TEACHING/EDUCATING JOB

However, right from the beginning, I am quite disappointed that the number of 'interaction' hours with the students tend to be lesser than the number of hours I spend pushing papers and deal with red pens (marking) and filling up mountains of forms and preparing reports. I think it is a global phenomenon for educators, the number of hours you actually spend with students are like a third or even a fourth of your whole workload?

YOUNG FOREVER?

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job - the hours I spent interacting with the kids (I still call them kids in a good way as they are so very young!) reminds me of how beautiful youth is, the youth that is slowly slipping away from the physical body. They keep my spirit 'young' and with that, I feel more energetic and 'alive', hubby always commented on how 'fired up' and high-spirited I am - DAILY - he calls it 'hyper'. :-)

THE TRUE MEANING OF FEELING 'OVERWHELMED'

I never really know the feeling of being 'overwhelmed' till I took on this job.

NOT when I was reporter and the editor was staying back to wait for me to finish my front page news to complete the printing of the front and back page - which was reserved just for my news.

NOT when my neck was on the line when my client was breathing down my neck and shouting on the phone when something 'went wrong' a day before a huge event or when as a PR practitioner, the media attendance was really poor (read: one media turn-up) - we turned it around and somehow did not get overwhelmed and made it positive anyway!

NOT when it was the umpteenth time your client shoved back your work at you and complained your copywriting isn't up to what they were expecting, and finally they settled for the first few drafts you sent in the first place, without realising they themselves rejected it initially. No, those are NOT overwhelming.

NOT when the board of directors dislike the fact that you wrote something without having gone through it with them, despite the fact that you are not supposed to be answering to them anyway. No, not when your career seems to be in a tight fix.

Nope, I never considered those moments 'overwhelming'.

NOT when the office politics got worse and you are on the worst receiving end of it. NO, those are not really overwhelming, it is easy to walk away when you don't really have a reason to stay anyway.

I kinda summarised my entire career's 'most difficult moments' in those few paragraphs.

lol Exciting times.

Really, the rush of adrenaline in the heat of the chase really (still) gets me all fired up. I am THAT kind of person.

OVERWHELMED: MY DEFINITION
Sometimes, it does get stressful with the sheer number of students - average ten classes which translates to over 200 students at any given semester, and multiply that number by three assignments (not including the in-between assignment exercises you give), and at the end of every semester, you get equal number of exam scripts to mark in less than a week (average five working days and sometimes a few more days if you are lucky).

I find that after my regular work hours are over, minus the family meal times, washing up and household chores, and some winding down time with hubby in front of the telly, I need to sacrifice my sleeping time or even my weekends to catch up with the marking that I tend to bring home. Oh, I abhor marking. Detest, hate, shudder with apprehension... however you describe it oh yeah, I really am not a big fan, not even a small fan of marking. If we are talking about an entire class of a single class with only 18-20 students for an entire semester, oh yes, that is fine.

With my current institution, due to its popularity and large intake of students annually, to the extent we only have a single intake yearly as opposed to other instutitions who may have two or three or even four intakes annually, I guess you can say it is worth being proud that our single intake brings in enough number of students, the volume is really overwhelming we need to put a stop to double intakes or more.

QUANTITATIVE LOOK AT THE MEANING OF OVERWHELMING:
It is easy to get 200 students or more under your tutelage at any one time. If you need to spend about 20-30 minutes on a single item to mark, if you have already done the Maths about three paragraphs before, if there are a minimum of 200 students, you should get 600 assignments, and if it is a 'writing' paper, with exercises, with another three exercises (minimum) - add another 600 exercises, and 200 full length exam papers which takes about 30 minutes to fully mark (minimising errors) - so 600+600+200 = 1,400 items = 1,400 x 25 mins (average) = 35,000 minutes = 583 hours and 20 minutes. That is equivalent to 24 days 7 hours and 20 minutes.

And we have to squeeze that into 16 weeks. Each work day, we have 24 hours - Deduct 9 hours for regular work hours - deduct 6 hours daily for sleep (minimum) - deduct 1 hour for personal hygiene stuff - deduct 1 hour for commuting (travelling to and from work, shopping for household products, etc) - deduct 2 hours and 30 minutes for meals (including preparation at home or waiting for food outside) - deduct 30 minutes minimum for household chores, mostly laundry, don't talk about sweeping or mopping, deduct 1 hour for cuddling/telly time/chatting with your partner. That is not including 1 hour of catching up with the news, going online to check mails, some family time - calling up your parents/in-laws, and doesn't include maybe another 1 hour to engage in social media - 15 mins on twitter, 15 mins on fb, nah, who am I kidding, we need to do that twice to be fully engaged in social media - so an hour a day it is.

How many hours are you left with in a day? Exactly ONE HOUR left.
And I don't have kids yet. If I have kids, then that precious one hour will be taken away. Poof. So where do I squeeze in the marking? Spoken like a true procrastinator, back to the topic at hand.

By the end of the day, when you are winding down, the last thing you wanna look at are scores of 'mistakes' and half-hearted attempts of courseworks/assignments/work, however you call it. Maybe about 10% of them would be 'gems', truly a delight to mark but if you think of the rest of the 90%, it really takes away my appetite for even my favourite food. We haven't even factored in the time every lecturer need to prepare for lessons, research time, etc. Something's gotta give. Don't we have some personal me time? I haven't stepped into a spa or salon for the longest time!

For weekends, out of that 24 hours - we tend to have 'more time' to relax, or so we thought.

SACRIFICES
It is only a sacrifice if you don't enjoy doing it and I DON'T. So you sacrifice your sleep (I've stayed up all night and only took a nap at 7am before waking up at 9am to submit the scrips), your family time (thank Goodness for understanding spouses), your weekends are gone, bye!! and who even have time for some 'me time'?

DISHEARTENING, DISAPPOINTING OUTCOME
It does get very disappointing sometimes when you have repeated the same thing for 14 weeks since the first lecture and yet, at the finishing mark, where all runners reach the final destination, they just 'don't get it' and did exactly what you told them NOT to do.

Whose fault it is?
I do take it very hard and feel very bad when students fail or fail to achieve even a minimum pass. Even with a lot of 'hand-holding' and guidance, I find that there will still be 10% who just refuse to listen or just plainly ignore what you say. Such blatant disregard do make me lose it sometimes but I rarely show it in front of anyone.

The kids tend to skip lectures, there are those who diligently attend each lecture, rain or shine, with or without 'traffic jams', fatigue or illness.

Then why do those who chose to skip lectures cannot emulate those who diligently attend each lecture?
Answer: BLATANT DISREGARD and IGNORING BASIC MORAL VALUES LIKE RESPECT for others.

It makes my blood boil everytime these SAME STUDENTS ask for exam tips or say: "Please, give us very 'specific guidelines', Miss" - I feel like they are making fun of the entire semester and disregarding everyone's efforts the entire four months. Who are you to come at the end of the semester that once or twice to DEMAND FOR SOMETHING you don't even deserve?

Some even blatantly, albeit jokingly, asked for the actual questions. You might as well break into the safe and get caught and get expelled or worse, go serve your time in jail. You wanna drag me down with such a stupid request? What's the use of attending college/university when you don't wish to use your brain?

Yes, we can procrastinate, but not at the expense of others. If it only concerns you and your personal well-being, so be it.

However, if you are in a group, or a whole big system, just one weak link will cause the entire system to fail. Don't forget that every young person will grow up to be older and be part of the system that forms the society. We are all interconnected and what you do or say will affect others.

Oh yes, I have taken some harsh actions and said some hard-to-swallow remarks especially in the heat of the moment, which I am reflecting on right now. Some people just cannot take it, hence they lashed back the best way they can by complaining or b*tching about it online. Hey, what goes around, comes around, you think we are still in the Stone Ages? This is the Digital Age where nothing escapes anyone!

Your reputation is what people think you are; your character is what you are.

I guess I am comfortable enough in my skin to not really care about either. I have a pretty good reputation and I love my colourful character. We cannot please everyone!

Anyway, at the end of each semester, I do realise I am a forgiving person. I don't hold grudges as it really will eat you up inside, and I do forgive these kids who have 'trespassed', and ultimately, youth is when you are supposed to make mistakes. I blame youth and not the humans.

Related Post: Career Change? What Made Me Stick Around?