I struggle to find the right words for this blog post.
It has been 9 years since my grandpa passed on and 3 years since my mother-in-law passed on. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes the heart just feels numb. Memories are highlighted in fragments. You find yourself keep reliving the memories, good and bad over and over again, and you catch yourself looking on with nostalgia at old photographs.
The desperate clinging on to every single memory that you can keep in mind is further reinforced by the clinging of the few possessions that you still keep.
I panicked when the blouse I kept with mommy's scent lost its scent when I reached out to it and smelt it after so long... I tried imagining the smell is still there but it is just gone.. another part of mommy lost...but the smell is committed into memory.
I still call my late mom-in-law "Mommy". I still call my grandpa "Gong Gong".
I was sitting down in Singapore one day and I whiffed a scent of his favourite Brylcream haircream and I half expected him to be near me. Instead I saw an old man of Chinese descent, dressed in a similar style as Gong Gong, only he is much younger than Gong Gong's 95 years, yet just seeing that old man is like seeing an apparation of Gong Gong and I could not help but rudely stared for quite some time until I tried to hide my stare and started to peek... The feelings that surfaced were so strong I felt like crying in joy at such familiar memories and crying in sadness cos I deeply miss him.
Sometimes you miss a departed loved one so much your heart felt like it would burst. Sometimes you feel angry that their time is so short and you wish for just one more day with them to spend more time with them just to hear their voice again and to feel their touch and just to see them again in person. Like me, sometimes I wonder what if they are still alive. Will my son's life be different and be better shaped just because he could meet his grandma and greatgrandpa? Alas, that will remain a big What If. It is just not meant to be.
Such is the attachment we have to our dearly departed... Life goes on... but we are just too emotionally fragile sometimes and it is okay to miss them and let the tears fall once in awhile.
RIP May we find solace that our loved ones have departed to a peaceful, happier place.
After awhile,
Time heals,
Hearts may soften,
But some harden,
Minds are fixed,
Memories distorted,
All seen through rosy lenses,
Or perhaps still buried in bitterness,
Seeing things through a tinted blurry window pane.
After awhile,
Why peace still eludes the world?
Senseless destruction
of humankind and nature
Warped thinking
Bent on twisted mindset
Still...
After awhile,
Does it matter?
Yes, then do something about it.
No, then say nothing about it.
Enough negativity in the world...
After awhile,
Some lose
Some win
Some gain
Some let go
Others indifferent
Some care till the end.
After awhile,
Children grow,
People age,
Some pass on,
Life goes on.
Never thought my year-end post will be like this but here goes, LONG POST AHEAD, and I am still fuming hot!
Papparich Service Terrible
We arrived to a busy restaurant. A slight delay is unavoidable so we were prepared to wait half an hour or so... who knows it took an hour plus for our tummy to be filled. We are 4 adults and a baby. We took our seats with a 10-month-old baby. Asked for high chair before we sat down. Purposely went to the counter in front to ask. In the end we, one has to search for a baby chair ourselves. Sat down. No menu. Had to walk to get it ourselves. Pressed button many times.
Filled form. We submitted our form before the Indian customers two tables away. They haven't even arrived when we submitted the order form.
Indian customers get their drinks first. We waited patiently. Half an hour later no drinks.
Table 69 that is us grew hungry and impatient.
They forgot our order.
Even the table that arrived later than the Indians (no racism intended) got their drinks.
Then one person got her meal 45 minutes after ordering. Second person got her meal 15 mins later. Then last two waited till the other two nearly finished. I finished my drink and ordered another one. It never came.
Went to pay immediately after finishing the very late last two meals as baby is growing restless after more than an hour there.
Thirsty as my second drink never arrived. Messed up my order and brought wrong drink I didn't order.
Manager a Chinese, asked cashier to give 15% discount with no service tax. Cashier gave 8% discount. Then rectified and gave 15% discount but charged service tax for lousy service.had to leave fast as baby was crying. What's the point of saying won't charge service tax and give discount but in the end charge also. Liar.
The men laughed at me when I said I was thirsty. Manager even laughed and offered my drink that never arrived saying cheng lei yam. I said I dont feel like it anymore and he snickered. I then raised my voice and said why so funny. Kenapa ketawa. No one said sorry for snickering at my complaint. Said sorry for service. Can simply laugh at people. I never said any bad words or swear. Simply unprofessional. Pappa rich Sri Rampai near my house is way better than this Sunway Pyramid outlet.
I demand a proper apology for bad service cheating me of a promised discount and for laughing at a customer. I am deeply offended and disappointed.
Receipt number 428606 Saturday Dec 21 2013
Exact complaint lodged at Papparich official website tonight
P/s - Yes, of course they gave me hot water while waiting for my baby's bottle, and yes, they did offer me air kosong, plain water after I asked at the cashier when paying - don't you have water? Kamu tidak ada air kosong ka? More than 5 times. FIVE FREAKING TIMES and MORE.
All alone in the first five rows of the plane heading back to Kuala Lumpur, taking the last flight out.
My mother-in-law's condition is critical now. Her respiratory tract is full of phlegm and she is but skin and bones now. The video my husband took and sent via whatsapp to me is too shocking that I hopped onto the next available flight which is also the last flight out for the day, leaving behind my 30-day-old baby boy. I miss him already.
I have given 30 days to my mother-in-law full time in Nov to care for her in illness and likewise I have given 30 days with my son, today is his 30th day on earth.
I need to tend to the 'end' first before the 'beginning'. Life begins at birth and ends with death, joy and sorrow both come hand in hand in life. I just did not expect both to come at the same time at this point in life.
The inevitable is near.
Please pray for strength and calm for everyone in the Lee family, my hubby's surname is Lee.
Am typing this on a note app in the flight with 1001 things running through my mind. Please let me make it back there in time while she is still somewhat conscious.
I pray for peace and pain-free last moments for this woman I call mommy. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers as well. *hugs*
Post note: Received this the moment my plane landed - Mommy just passed away at 22:56
I may be stressed but if I compare the things that are stressing me out, others may have it worse than me, so I am blessed to be stressed by these things;
I may be irked with whatever or whoever now but others may have it worse than me, so I am blessed to be irked by them now, I know it could be much worse;
I may be aware of the growing fine lines on my face, but I have a face to look back at me when I look into the mirror, and I am comfortable in my skin, and for that I am grateful;
I may be fatter than those thinner than me but I am healthy (relatively) and fine, and I have all my faculties complete, mental, physical and emotional, I can walk with my fat calves, My stubby fingers are able, and I am me for all that I am worth;
I may feel lost or unloved but ultimately if I am not loving myself enough, how can another love me when I myself deem myself worthy of my own love?
I look back and count my blessings, I look around now and count my blessings and with a heart full of gratitude, I remind myself that I am grateful for all that has been bestowed upon me;
I may stumble in life and have low period of mood, but ultimately I have always picked myself up no matter how hard it was, and this time around, I can do it too!
There is a reason I am still alive, and until the day I really die, there is still a reason I am alive. Sometimes there are more than one reason, so REMEMBER THAT!
Sue* Jan 17, 2013.
Pix taken in April 2012, at Orlando, Florida, USA.
Malaysia is a multi-racial & multi-religious country despite its Constitution stating that it is a Muslim country with Islam as the official religion. We are free to believe and adopt any faith we choose.
I love the practice of asking for forgiveness on a New Year for the Muslims (the first day of the Muslim Calendar Month of Syawal). Happy Eid and I apologise for all my wrongdoings and trespassings in the past one year.
Kepada sahabat Muslim sekalian, Selamat Hari Raya Puasa, Maaf Zahir dan Batin!
I will make up for the food when I return from my China trip. Been scheduling my posts for the past few days as I am away till after the first two days of Raya (Eid!). My Muslim friends told me the celebration lasts the whole 30 days, a whole month, so I will feast on the delicious food when I return!!! Ketupat, Rendang, ayam masak merah, soto, etc... you can google them up for the mouth-watering images. *craving mode*
Some cute pix of a sales brochure of a hypermarket. They illustrations are just so adorable! Have a great celebration!!!
I am a procrastinator. Due to an understanding of that, it comes with 'maturity' to truly see yourself for who you are - a procrastinator who loves the rush of adrenaline when you are striving to meet the deadline, and doing a pretty good job at that - when you meet others of the same nature, i.e. 'practitioners' of procrastination, that sense of 'familiarity' brought back some nostalgic feelings.
I hold the principle that if it doesn't harm anyone, I procrastinate, if it concerns a team, a group or of a larger scale, I finish the task before you can even say start. I am a selective procrastinator that way, I prioritise.
COMMUNICATING IN REAL LIFE AND BEYOND (UTILISING SOCIAL MEDIA)
You see, I have been in my current job for more than three years, and counting. For those uninitiated, I am a lecturer, an educator/teacher, however you call me, I'd like to call myself a communicator as I am sharing what I learned back in university, and also my work experience when I was still 'out there' in the industry - communication - and I find myself 'communicating' to these young people more than 'educating' them anyway. One advantage is that I get at least a third of my yearly number of 'new students' to befriend me on fb annually and I do get some of them as my twitter followers as well.
THE REALITY OF A TEACHING/EDUCATING JOB
However, right from the beginning, I am quite disappointed that the number of 'interaction' hours with the students tend to be lesser than the number of hours I spend pushing papers and deal with red pens (marking) and filling up mountains of forms and preparing reports. I think it is a global phenomenon for educators, the number of hours you actually spend with students are like a third or even a fourth of your whole workload?
YOUNG FOREVER?
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job - the hours I spent interacting with the kids (I still call them kids in a good way as they are so very young!) reminds me of how beautiful youth is, the youth that is slowly slipping away from the physical body. They keep my spirit 'young' and with that, I feel more energetic and 'alive', hubby always commented on how 'fired up' and high-spirited I am - DAILY - he calls it 'hyper'. :-)
THE TRUE MEANING OF FEELING 'OVERWHELMED'
I never really know the feeling of being 'overwhelmed' till I took on this job.
NOT when I was reporter and the editor was staying back to wait for me to finish my front page news to complete the printing of the front and back page - which was reserved just for my news.
NOT when my neck was on the line when my client was breathing down my neck and shouting on the phone when something 'went wrong' a day before a huge event or when as a PR practitioner, the media attendance was really poor (read: one media turn-up) - we turned it around and somehow did not get overwhelmed and made it positive anyway!
NOT when it was the umpteenth time your client shoved back your work at you and complained your copywriting isn't up to what they were expecting, and finally they settled for the first few drafts you sent in the first place, without realising they themselves rejected it initially. No, those are NOT overwhelming.
NOT when the board of directors dislike the fact that you wrote something without having gone through it with them, despite the fact that you are not supposed to be answering to them anyway. No, not when your career seems to be in a tight fix.
Nope, I never considered those moments 'overwhelming'.
NOT when the office politics got worse and you are on the worst receiving end of it. NO, those are not really overwhelming, it is easy to walk away when you don't really have a reason to stay anyway.
I kinda summarised my entire career's 'most difficult moments' in those few paragraphs.
lol Exciting times.
Really, the rush of adrenaline in the heat of the chase really (still) gets me all fired up. I am THAT kind of person.
OVERWHELMED: MY DEFINITION
Sometimes, it does get stressful with the sheer number of students - average ten classes which translates to over 200 students at any given semester, and multiply that number by three assignments (not including the in-between assignment exercises you give), and at the end of every semester, you get equal number of exam scripts to mark in less than a week (average five working days and sometimes a few more days if you are lucky).
I find that after my regular work hours are over, minus the family meal times, washing up and household chores, and some winding down time with hubby in front of the telly, I need to sacrifice my sleeping time or even my weekends to catch up with the marking that I tend to bring home. Oh, I abhor marking. Detest, hate, shudder with apprehension... however you describe it oh yeah, I really am not a big fan, not even a small fan of marking. If we are talking about an entire class of a single class with only 18-20 students for an entire semester, oh yes, that is fine.
With my current institution, due to its popularity and large intake of students annually, to the extent we only have a single intake yearly as opposed to other instutitions who may have two or three or even four intakes annually, I guess you can say it is worth being proud that our single intake brings in enough number of students, the volume is really overwhelming we need to put a stop to double intakes or more.
QUANTITATIVE LOOK AT THE MEANING OF OVERWHELMING:
It is easy to get 200 students or more under your tutelage at any one time. If you need to spend about 20-30 minutes on a single item to mark, if you have already done the Maths about three paragraphs before, if there are a minimum of 200 students, you should get 600 assignments, and if it is a 'writing' paper, with exercises, with another three exercises (minimum) - add another 600 exercises, and 200 full length exam papers which takes about 30 minutes to fully mark (minimising errors) - so 600+600+200 = 1,400 items = 1,400 x 25 mins (average) = 35,000 minutes = 583 hours and 20 minutes. That is equivalent to 24 days 7 hours and 20 minutes.
And we have to squeeze that into 16 weeks. Each work day, we have 24 hours - Deduct 9 hours for regular work hours - deduct 6 hours daily for sleep (minimum) - deduct 1 hour for personal hygiene stuff - deduct 1 hour for commuting (travelling to and from work, shopping for household products, etc) - deduct 2 hours and 30 minutes for meals (including preparation at home or waiting for food outside) - deduct 30 minutes minimum for household chores, mostly laundry, don't talk about sweeping or mopping, deduct 1 hour for cuddling/telly time/chatting with your partner. That is not including 1 hour of catching up with the news, going online to check mails, some family time - calling up your parents/in-laws, and doesn't include maybe another 1 hour to engage in social media - 15 mins on twitter, 15 mins on fb, nah, who am I kidding, we need to do that twice to be fully engaged in social media - so an hour a day it is.
How many hours are you left with in a day? Exactly ONE HOUR left.
And I don't have kids yet. If I have kids, then that precious one hour will be taken away. Poof. So where do I squeeze in the marking? Spoken like a true procrastinator, back to the topic at hand.
By the end of the day, when you are winding down, the last thing you wanna look at are scores of 'mistakes' and half-hearted attempts of courseworks/assignments/work, however you call it. Maybe about 10% of them would be 'gems', truly a delight to mark but if you think of the rest of the 90%, it really takes away my appetite for even my favourite food. We haven't even factored in the time every lecturer need to prepare for lessons, research time, etc. Something's gotta give. Don't we have some personal me time? I haven't stepped into a spa or salon for the longest time!
For weekends, out of that 24 hours - we tend to have 'more time' to relax, or so we thought.
SACRIFICES
It is only a sacrifice if you don't enjoy doing it and I DON'T. So you sacrifice your sleep (I've stayed up all night and only took a nap at 7am before waking up at 9am to submit the scrips), your family time (thank Goodness for understanding spouses), your weekends are gone, bye!! and who even have time for some 'me time'?
DISHEARTENING, DISAPPOINTING OUTCOME
It does get very disappointing sometimes when you have repeated the same thing for 14 weeks since the first lecture and yet, at the finishing mark, where all runners reach the final destination, they just 'don't get it' and did exactly what you told them NOT to do.
Whose fault it is?
I do take it very hard and feel very bad when students fail or fail to achieve even a minimum pass. Even with a lot of 'hand-holding' and guidance, I find that there will still be 10% who just refuse to listen or just plainly ignore what you say. Such blatant disregard do make me lose it sometimes but I rarely show it in front of anyone.
The kids tend to skip lectures, there are those who diligently attend each lecture, rain or shine, with or without 'traffic jams', fatigue or illness.
Then why do those who chose to skip lectures cannot emulate those who diligently attend each lecture?
Answer: BLATANT DISREGARD and IGNORING BASIC MORAL VALUES LIKE RESPECT for others.
It makes my blood boil everytime these SAME STUDENTS ask for exam tips or say: "Please, give us very 'specific guidelines', Miss" - I feel like they are making fun of the entire semester and disregarding everyone's efforts the entire four months. Who are you to come at the end of the semester that once or twice to DEMAND FOR SOMETHING you don't even deserve?
Some even blatantly, albeit jokingly, asked for the actual questions. You might as well break into the safe and get caught and get expelled or worse, go serve your time in jail. You wanna drag me down with such a stupid request? What's the use of attending college/university when you don't wish to use your brain?
Yes, we can procrastinate, but not at the expense of others. If it only concerns you and your personal well-being, so be it.
However, if you are in a group, or a whole big system, just one weak link will cause the entire system to fail. Don't forget that every young person will grow up to be older and be part of the system that forms the society. We are all interconnected and what you do or say will affect others.
Oh yes, I have taken some harsh actions and said some hard-to-swallow remarks especially in the heat of the moment, which I am reflecting on right now. Some people just cannot take it, hence they lashed back the best way they can by complaining or b*tching about it online. Hey, what goes around, comes around, you think we are still in the Stone Ages? This is the Digital Age where nothing escapes anyone!
Your reputation is what people think you are; your character is what you are.
I guess I am comfortable enough in my skin to not really care about either. I have a pretty good reputation and I love my colourful character. We cannot please everyone!
Anyway, at the end of each semester, I do realise I am a forgiving person. I don't hold grudges as it really will eat you up inside, and I do forgive these kids who have 'trespassed', and ultimately, youth is when you are supposed to make mistakes. I blame youth and not the humans.
This is another personal blog post. If mushy/romantic stuff isn't for you, feel free to browse away or may I suggest to you a very angry blog post that is the total anti-thesis of romance HERE
I actually wrote a blog post of a similar nature on my Friendster Blog about five years ago in 2007, which has since closed down without notice, all the data just wiped out like that, all my precious blog posts, etc. Let's hope blogger won't suffer the same fate! Anyway, I digress.
If I have to sum up our romance in a phrase, it would be:
Your voice is like: Music to the soul, music to my ears, music to my heart.
:-)
THE END: I became Mrs Lee
That is the short version of our love story.
Five years ago today, July 14, it was also a Saturday. Fancy the day actually 'repeated' five years later today. I thought it is supposed to be more than 10 years or something for the calendar to repeat.
It was the day where our courtship (dating relationship) as a dating couple ended in a series of wedding receptions. No kidding, THREE full wedding receptions to cover the legal, religious, ceremonial and traditional stuff - this is what happens when it is the LAST WEDDING OF THE GENERATION and THE FIRST WEDDING OF THE GENERATION.
We had our receptions - one each in three different states in Malaysia, one in April, two in July. So seriousy if you ask us when is our anniversary, I will ask you back, which one? Legal one, religious one, ceremonial one or traditional one?
I won't talk about my weddings. The wedding is only the end of courtship and the beginning of marriage.
I will talk about our LOVE STORY. #love Growing up, being brain-washed by Disney and fairy tales, I always believed in romance and love. It pains me that I have no boy friend when others have a special guy friend, I always asked if I am not cute enough, not attractive enough, not good enough, etc. Such were the growing pains.
Borrowing from the concept started in this particular blog post, I shall write a letter to myself, only this time, I am writing to my past-self.
Tegami by Angela Aki - If this doesn't play, Google up アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～ （歌詞 Lyrics） - Letter to my future self, a 15-year-old finds it hard to live and writes to her future self and she actually replied from the future and tells her to hang on.
I highly recommend you click on the play button above now, for effects.
WARNING: LONG LETTER TO SELF AHEAD
*******************************************************
Dear Sue from the past (before January 2012):
General Cover Letter:
I am not sure which past version of me will this letter reach so I shall write to each and every one of you, or rather, me, or maybe I will just refer to Sue as 'us' and 'we'.
Today is July 14, 2012. Yup, this is also the same era our favourite childhood movie by Michael J. Fox "Back to the Future" came from (Back to the Future II) - unfortunately there is no cool hoverboard that flies and no, we still never learned how to skate or roller-blade. I remembered that was our wish when we were still a little girl.
However, there is this amazing thing called the Internet - it is something like a totally different virtual world where real people interact with each other through various portals, on this thing we call computer, which has since evolved dramatically and we have these phones called mobile phones, yup, they are mobile, no, no, not the ones you see in black brief cases that men carry and take out to make phone calls, these are really small and now even small kids have them, technology has certainly changed and land lines are not exactly 'land' now with new technology. Anyway, all these are not important.
I have specific messages for each one of us starting from little Sue.
To little Sue in the 1980s-1990:
Hello little one,
We are just fine - I bet you didn't think that we'd live to be 30, or rather past 30, huh? Or maybe we did. We always had this crazy crushes with cute boys we see on TV or even in real life. Thanks to Disney, we always dream that one day our prince will really come, and we really hung on to that hope and were really excited when one of our dreams really came true -- in the form of dreams.
Oh, nearly 30 years on, yes, Sue, we are still a dreamer.
I mean literally a dreamer. We still remember our dreams. Dreams that occur when we were asleep. Remember how we had this 'to be continued' dream series back when we were in primary (elementary) school in the last 1980s? Fancy dreams having story line that continues and pick up from the previous night - we still have those now, but very rare and far in between - I sure hope we won't lose that special connection.
It goes without saying we still remember our dreams, still as vividly as ever. I think you would want to know what happens in the future right? I'm going to tell you in 'topics' so it will be easier for you to follow.
LOVE
Now, no point telling you the future dreams or else it will defeat the purpose, right? Let's talk about the dream that I know you already have at this age.
Do you recall this dream we had, where little kids our age - boys and girls - were paired up - a boy and a girl in a pair - and we were supposed to help each other cross the stream, not really a river, I remember it was more like a small stream. Do you remember our partner in the dream? Yup, the 'spoilt brat' who refused to lend us a hand in crossing the stream and we kept nagging him to the extent we behaved very un-ladylike in our favourite dress.
Do you remember his face? :-) I'd like to believe that I've married him. Unsmiling face, hair combed old-fashioned way to one side, on the chubby side, small eyes, typical Chinese boy. Dream on, in a positive way, and please make ALL THE MISTAKES in love, because without that, we will never meet this wonderful guy. For your age (less than 10) I think that's enough about love for now.
CHILDREN
I also have news to tell you, we have got this fervent (strong) dream to be a mother when we grew up, right? Well, well, don't worry so much about that dream - we have THREE 'free' kids as our godchildren now, two girls and a little boy. The two girls are related but the little boy is totally unrelated to the two girls. We became 'mummy' to these little girls pretty early! I won't spoil the surprise for you but just know that we finally became mummy and mama, although not in the way we expected.
How about our own children? Don't worry, I believe the time will come. We are still in our early 30s, and yes, we really love to have children to call our own, when playing with our dolls, Beautee and Reddie (oh I still have Beautee the teddy bear!) remember we always pretended they were our babies and we were thinking of how we are going to feed the babies and change their nappies. We will be a fine mother one day, we have three kids to 'practice' with now. When ours and only ours comes along, we will be totally ready for him or her. Don't worry so much little one.
SCHOOL
School is just fine. We will represent our school, represent our division (our district), and even represent our state at national level competition/contest - not sports though, I think you can figure out that much. We still hate to sweat or exercise but we still love books. Never lose sight of your studies, and yes, please follow your heart when choosing what to study next time. Make the same 'mistakes' and we should end up where I am at now. :-) What's our job now? I don't think it will make sense for you, little one, right about now. I have problem describing it to my two god daughters as well. Let's just say we are one very important person to many people at work. :-)
FRIENDS
Don't worry about making friends or if they don't want to be your friends. The world is so big out there, I tell you now, you can know hundreds and thousands of people you have not even met or will ever meet in real life, through this thing called the Internet.
Social life (friendship) will only get trickier after you turned 10, but don't worry so much about it, we have a great friend still very close to us, a friend we have known since we were 7. Won't tell you who she is. You will know when the time comes. So yes, we have many friends, they even help you 'count' your friends - my last count was nearly 2,000 friends. Yeah, that is like after 99, you get a 100, and after 999, you get a thousand, you just multiply that by 2!
I know this will be very overwhelming for you, dear little one, don't worry so much, and continue 'thinking' and wondering 'what ifs', but please don't let life break your soul.
Keep smiling always, little Sue.
I shall pretend I am recording an audio only-letter (voice only, no video) with a hard-copy of the letter & pix to my subsequent teen self for fun:
To teen Sue in 1990s:
Hello to the cutest girl I have ever known (we are still as narcisstic as ever),
Remember how we will get so cross (upset) when people call us cute and we always wonder why didn't anyone call us pretty? Now I know why, and I am not telling. *wink*
This was taken on our 16th birthday, how grumpy we looked in the pix! Oh, you are saying we look demure and cool in it, okay, whatever you say. And no, we don't look fat in the pix. No, no, no, you DON'T KNOW the meaning of fat yet, no, not in your teens.
Okay, you win, YOU ARE FAT, happy? - *end of argument with self and feels quite stupid trying to talk sense to a teenager* -
What do you mean the whole world 'owes' you an explanation? Hello girl, no one cares about your world, especially not in your secret code that you use in your diary, oh gosh, I can never forget those codes, and no one cares if you put on one pound or half a kg since yesterday, and no, you don't look fat, again, I repeat, you are not fat.
Okay, you ARE fat, you win, okay?
Are we still dancing in the future? Let's just say we are, but not on stage anymore. Enough said. Why? Oh, don't ask why. Sssssh. When was the last time we actually danced? Yesterday, why? What dance? You won't even know the song cos it is a current song, so quit asking so many irrelevant questions. And piano? Oh, oh yes, we still play it now. Just, treasure your piano now okay, take good care of Eterna, our beloved Yamaha piano.
You see what happens when you don't play the piano? The string tends to be cold even with the heater on and it tends to break. What do you mean you are lazy? You still have Grade 8 exam coming up in 1996, isn't it? Hello!!!
Now, now...!
Don't you wish to know which guy you married in the end?
*silence*
There, I got your attention. Listen to what I have to say first then I will tell you who.
Listen there,
I know we hated being a teen. We always felt that we are out-of-place more mature than our age and we just cannot get along well with our peers. Oh, what is peers, I forgot your English vocab is still so limited - it means people who are of the same age as us. What looking down on your English? It doesn't matter you always get the top marks (among the top three) in English in class I tell you, your English isn't that good in the 1990s. Geez, you even lost that trophy of Best English for the whole grade (Form) to Vincent, remember? Oh, it hasn't happen yet, this is not yet 1995? Okay. Ssssh. Listen to me.
Okay gorgeous, listen to me. If this isn't 1997 yet, here is a preview of how we will look like in February 1997:
AND THIS too:
While you are oggling at your own pix, I will continue with what I have to say - geez, I am finally reminded of how difficult I was as a teenager.
I want to give you some advices, in point form, since your attention span is too short:
1. DO NOT DEFY YOUR PARENTS - okay, I think you just shook that off your ears, never mind.
2. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, not everything is about you - okay, you still won't listen to me. Okay, okay, woe is me. You have the worst life in the universe, fine.
3. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, you may not still have what you are having now in the future - okay, you are still young, so you still are not listening and for the 10th time, YOU ARE NOT FAT, what do you mean your calves in the second pix look fat? I love that pink dress okay, I've been saving it till now, more than 10 years later! Okay, you don't care? Fine.
AND ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING!!!
4. NO ONE YOU LIKE NOW will be your husband, not even the pen pal you never met!
*can imagine glass shattering and thunder booming in the background*
I think I'd better end this letter now.
Take care, teen Sue.
Know that we were the best looking teen ever, smiling or unsmiling - peace:
-- end of letter for teen Sue --
If the song above has ended, feel free to press play on this one:
*I'd like to imagine myself teleporting to the early 2000s to talk to my younger self just for fun*
To my younger self (early 2000s)
Hello undergrad!
It was more than 12 years ago since I first stepped into the university as an undergrad.
Oh, the shadow that was looming back then? The heartbreak from our teens? Geez, that reminds me of how 'loyal' we were. You mean, oh, yeah, we are still 'loyal' now, just that, we know who to be loyal to now that we are older and more mature.
I tell you now, dear Sue, having had so many heartbreaks in such a short span of time, yeah, they are short, a few years is short, compared to a whole life time - I tell you now, heartbreaks and heartaches will only make you stronger, not kill you.
Once you are stronger, you will be very well-loved as you are more confident with yourself. I tell you, oh, you are munching on cookies again, Twisties this time? Okay, pass me some. It really soothes a broken heart huh, munching and munching. Hence the explanation why I look like this now. *points to future present self*
What do you mean no one will love you?
Look at me, I am fat, I am definitely more than a few pounds overweight but I am loved and I feel loved, and I am very much capable of loving. Be at peace with yourself girl, and stop torturing yourself mentally.
Oh, is this year 2002-2003 yet? Let me tell you something girl, before the most beautiful rainbow appear, there will be rain and sometimes storm, right? Know that after 2003, our rainbow will appear and never go away for the longest time, hopefully till the end of time.
I know, cos I come from the future.
Is our husband anyone we know now... erm, if this is before mid-2003, nope.
But that shouldn't stop you from dating. Go out and date, such social experiences enrich our lives, just play safe and be safe when going out with strangers from the Internet okay?
Don't worry about our career - I think our love life is more messed up than our career, just follow your heart and do whatever we want!!! Yeah~ gimme five.
~Ciao~
-- end of letter to early 20s Sue --
To my dating self (2003-2006)
Hello there!
No, you are not fat, you are thinner than how you will be in the future. hahahaha, laughs at self.
Who cares anyway, right? We've found a boyfriend! Oh, he is a keeper for sure!!!
If this is 2003, you are just out from a relationship, and nursing a broken heart, right? Yet another failure you say? Nah, it's just one of life's trials. We will go through it just fine.
What is the month now? Do you remember the guy who kept appearing at the top of your list on that online dating site we registered with just for fun? No, not the Korean guy or the Caucasian, the Chinese one - the Malaysian.
OH, you know him already by now? Did he email you? He did? lol, sssh, a secret on how to go past the 'paid membership' and him contacting us. *giggles*
Just a reminder that he is a real gentleman, okay, he never once asked us to forget about the ex, he even advised us to give that stupid ex a chance and listen to his side of the story when he knew we might have a chance together. He isn't selfish, that is for sure!
However, there is nothing we can do, that ex is our ex, and let him be. No more in our life, we can close that chapter now. We have got this 'new' guy now *giggles*
Oh, his voice is really musical isn't it? He actually held a concert for only you over the phone? Yeah, he has the nicest voice, the most handsome and soothing voice ever, if you can call a voice handsome.
'I knew I love you before I met you' rings true for us with this guy, huh? Loving someone before meeting him in real life.
Oh, is it 2004 already?
We finally became what we wanted to become, right? To meet people and do what we love most, to write, and get paid for it - we have been a journalist or reporter for the second year by now. And yes, we have uprooted from Borneo to Peninsular Malaysia including our cars across South China Sea, with our family trailing along. Yes, Sue, we are powerful, we moved the whole family over! muahahaha.
Have we met that guy yet? We have? Finally in person? Oh, by the road side!
The Internet is known as the Information Highway, hence meeting him via the Internet and finally in real life is like meeting him by the road side?
Yeah, literally by the road side near the traffic light. I got picked up by my future husband in his car by the road side.
Oh, mama is asking us to pursue our Masters while working? Go ahead and earn the Masters, it will come in handy. Don't worry about no time for dating, this sweet guy will still be there at the end of the two years.
Wedding plans? Don't worry about the pressure from our potential-in-laws - mama has her ways to put off the wedding date until after our Masters graduation.
We will be traditionally engaged first in 2006. Oh, just had our engagement now haven't we? This is the thinnest we have been in 5 years, hahaha.
Then we will have our wedding in 2007, you already know about that, okay, I can leave now. Bye!!!
-- end of conversation with dating self --
To my married self (5, 4, 3, 2 years ago) - saving a letter to my 2011 self in another blog post another time
One word - growth.
We are all still growing and growing with each passing moment. Embrace the moment and grow together with your man. Nothing is too difficult when you have each other by your side. There will be ups and down, and married life isn't always easy, but when it is shared, it is true that love will make it all worth while in the end.
Look at what we have and not what we lack, and the world will seem to be a more beautiful place.
-- end --
So today, after five short years together as husband and wife, I'd like to wish us happiness and joy.
Happy Anniversary to us, and may we live to a ripe old age together, side by side, happily and peacefully. May we grow old together, happily married like our grandparents before us, happy to say there is not a single divorce in our family so far, not as far as older generation is concerned anyway.
May we look forward (pun intended to coincide with the pose in the pix above) to many more years together in the future, happily married to each other.
I am proud to be Mrs Lee. :) I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me very much too.
It is true when they say words alone cannot truly describe this emotion called love, and I consider myself long-winded and wordy. I will be lying if I say I can truly fully put into words just how much love I am feeling right now. It is simply too overwhelming and 'deep'. No fireworks, no sparks, no adrenaline rush that young love used to get at the beginning of infatuation stage. It is more of a 'peaceful' love, more like "I am finally at home" love. Still that does NOT really describe this feeling called love. SO Sue, you fail big time, you cannot describe LOVE!
P/S: A brief insight of how much he loves me can be found in the comment section in this particular blog post
I love the photograph above which I have grabbed online, author/photographer unknown. The fingers/palm of the mother are similar to mine, chubby and stubby. :-) This is part of my visualisation in my daily reflection and hope that one day, our family of two will be three. Gotta keep the positive thoughts/feelings flowing!
This, and many other things and support I am grateful for in life at the moment kept me going in this journey of TTC (trying to conceive).
F- Father
A- and
M- Mother
I- I
L- Love
Y- You
We are not parents ourselves yet but hubby and I are lucky in the sense that we both have loving parents, complete sets, still alive and well. Not many have that privilege of having both sets of parents alive, and that is indeed a blessing.
We have to keep reminding ourselves not to lose sight of what we have in front of/beside us in pursuit of something we hope to gain but do not have yet. I guess 'letting go' is the start of a new beginning. My resolution is I shall resolve to not hold on too tightly to my 'goal' and live more in the present moment.
Come what may. Take a deep breath and have faith that everything will be alright in the end. Baby dust to all TTC couples.
Don't be cheated, no matter how desperately you wish for a baby to adopt!
I saw the advertisement on one of the pages online, and copied the whole ad (sob story of unpaid rent and no money for doctor check-ups worth a few K) and wrote an email to this supposedly 'pregnant girl', though I do suspect she is actually a 'he' and the pregnant mother never existed.
The ad was posted on July 2, 2012. I emailed on July 9, 2012. I got a reply 5 hours later. For someone who has no money, it is amazing they still have internet access, eh?
I was feeling quite down and the No.1 thing that I am hoping for most fervently as those who have been following my blog for quite some time would know, yes, is to have my own child. My hormones have settled down after a few hours (yeah, my 'down time' lasts only several hours at most) and now my rational mind is trying to make sense of the story. It is obviously a case where RM8k is the 'minimum' price to pay UPFRONT!
There is no guarantee there is a baby in the end. You can kiss your RM8k good bye the moment you believe in it and pass the money to this guy, with pregnant mother or otherwise.
So please, don't commit by paying up front payments, it is considered buying and selling if you do that, you are only encouraging fraud and baby trafficking, so please, be patient, go through proper channel and yes, wish and hope and pray if you believe in the power of prayers.
In one of my 'down times' when the hormones surged too high or dipped too low, which doesn't happen that much lately, the maternal instinct tugged and pulled inside me, hence I went online and keyed in various keywords, looking for Baby For Adoption/Child For Adoption.
I looked on with envy when I see Americans (US citizens) are provided with International adoption agencies and even our neighbouring Singapore has their own adoption agency (which also caters for international adoption!), as compared to Malaysia - there is no official adoption agency, only the Social Welfare Department and the only baby hatch in Malaysia, Orphancare (orphancare.org).
The rest who help unwed mothers like shelters by various non-governmental organisations (NGO) does not make adoption their main priority, most of the girls chose to raise their babies after giving birth and only a small percentage gives up their baby for adoption.
However, there is a page on facebook that is started by a good soul to save unwanted babies from infanticide, there are many cases of baby dumping, most of the babies did not survive and it is the saddest thing for many to see the news reporting yet another baby dumping case. In this part of the world, it is still a social stigma for unmarried woman to be pregnant. To help save these innocent souls, Anak Angkat Untuk Dibela (AAUD) was started by a group of admin who worked closely with the Social Welfare Department (Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat) and they cater only to Malaysians who are Muslims.
I am a non-Muslim, and I don't qualify even though I am a Malaysian, so why am I highlighting them? In Malaysia, a non-Muslim adult can only adopt a non-Muslim child up to the age of 18. A Muslim adult/couple can adopt both Muslim and non-Muslim children, to protect the sanctity of Islam as the official religion of Malaysia. It's part of the constitution hence we are known as an Islamic country, but not all Malaysians are Muslims nor Malays, which is the common misconception of the world towards Malaysia.
Anyway, I digress. I feel that such a good cause is worth highlighting. On the basis of saving innocent lives and giving joy to potential parents who are really hoping and wishing for a child to love. Thumbs up for such a noble cause!
I know that the Indian community have their own private NGO, Christian-missionary-related shelters for girls, and Buddhist Welfare Homes and Shelters are available but the wait list for adoption, which isn't their main priority is very long.
We made it to a waiting list of one of those and it has been over a year, and still waiting. Someone we know have been on the wait list for years and in the end, they opted for private adoption (de facto adoption) where they deal directly with the birth mother.
Congratulations to adoptive parents who finally have a bundle of joy to call their own.
To all those who are still hoping and wishing, like me, just keep in mind that in our 'desperation' for a baby, do not fall prey to cheaters or those who are just out to fleece you of your hard earned money. Remember if they are sincere (ikhlas in BM), they will not rob you in broad daylight because raising a child is not cheap nowadays - milk formula, diapers, insurance, education, etc. If they are thinking for the good of their baby, they will not act so unreasonably. If they are, either they are really selfish or they mean to make 'profit' from the 'transaction' - that is when it becomes baby trafficking, and it is illegal.
I think people love to make comments about one's physical appearance.
Just because you look fat, doesn't mean you like to be reminded or called 'fat' again and again, even by virtual strangers. Just because you are 'thin', doesn't mean you are starving yourself, or 'don't eat enough', it may be in your genetics and you just cannot put on weight no matter how much you eat.
What irks me is how people think they are entitled to judge and if we retort by trying to give them a taste of their own medicine, they cannot accept it, hey, if you wanna judge me then prepared to be judged back as well. Do unto others what you wish to be done unto you.
Superficiality seems to rule today's world.
Everything seems superficial, everything must be beautiful and conform to the 'acceptable standards' of beauty, set by the mass media or just what people think others think.
Recently, a very nice girl I know was reduced to tears when a guy reprimanded her for 'eating and being fat like a pig', said straight to her face, not once but repeated to her and she rushed to the ladies as she was too hurt to even be in the presence of that mean guy. As of today, she is still no longer friends with that 'friend'. Some friends are better off 'defriended'.
Not too long ago, another very nice girl who is still single, has all the things going for her in life, tried to get to know a guy 'introduced' and it was almost like a blind date, only that 'date' never happened, the 'meeting' never ventured outside fb. The guy had self-esteem issues and to cover it up, he mentioned that the girl isn't attractive enough and the word 'fat' came into the picture again. Geez, you missed out knowing a perfectly nice girl just because she is a few kg overweight? For the record, that guy is still single. Same goes to the guy in the first case mentioned above. Be picky and soon enough, all the girls will stop looking at you and even the ones you call 'fat' will not even be bothered with you when you are 40 and still single!!! Unless you are filthy rich of course, which is another point of superciality, but let's leave it at that.
I am not particularly irked today, but just wanted to pen my thoughts now in this blogpost, food for thought. Just a blogpost to say it's June already! Mid-year and I have a mid-year resolution.
Yes, I have had my fair share of "you are too fat" by well-meaning and ill-meaning people, including strangers. I do blame my hormones (which I do put into my body artificially in my attempt to conceive), but I know I should make more effort in exercising, which I can control, as it is my lifestyle and I have power over how I want to live my life. I have learned not to let the 'comments' get to me after awhile. Anyway, as I am already past the 30 mark in age, I plan to be healthier. Let's see how much I can lose in the next two months, for health, not for beauty. I think I am good-looking enough, fat or thin. :-)
Here's quoting my own tweet on twitter today: "With age, usually comes maturity. I have learned that nothing is beneath me or even beneath anyone when it comes to life. Be humble. :-)"
Many things have happened up till now that made me reflect a lot on the fragile fragment of humanity and the life we are living, and I hope I have matured a wee bit now compared to my old self.
The ego/self is always our biggest challenge. Put it aside and the world will be a more peaceful place. I am not asking you to totally put aside your ego and don't feel any worth for yourself. No, but there are some situations where humility prevails and by bowing out, you actually let another person win, but really, you are the real winner for being the 'bigger' person here.
Think about it.
It is not how many battles you have won, it is who win the whole war. Lose the battle, win the war and not win the battle, lose the war. Fruit for thought!
"Mommy I love you... " that phrase made hearts melt.. but not the following phrase that comes with it - "Thank you for buying me ice-cream."
I couldn't help but chuckle softly and turned over to my right and sure enough hubby was suppressing a grin. The little boy of about 6 or 7 was walking with his mommy one fine evening in Singapore during our Sept 2011 trip, and we happened to be within earshot of the cute exchange.
If I remember correctly, children does not really 'love' or learn to love unconditionally until they have 'matured' into an adult, at least that is what my Psychology classes taught me last time during my undergrad years. Imagine you are born and everything revolves around you from infancy right up to childhood, and you cannot help but have this self-centered mind-set and imagine the rebellion when some 'sense of responsibility' were being forced upon these self-centered individuals who had everything served right up to their hands/mouth all these while, and then we have this thing called the rebellious teens. Not a surprise why they rebel, isn't it? They have been conditioned that way, and suddenly you are changing the rules? Kinda unfair if you ask me... lol, anyway, it's part of the growing pains.
I don't know, I don't have children myself, but I do have goddaughters, two of them and I love them to bits, I know they love me as their godmother but to what extent, I am not disillusioned, they love me for the gifts I supply on a regular basis, like more than a couple of times a year. Proof? They finally verbalised it, or rather, the elder girl, when I arrived at the airport and followed her parents (my friends) to pick her up from school, the first thing she said was "Mommy Sue, where is my birthday present?", it was her birthday a couple of years back. I think as children, they quantify love to the amount/total of gifts you give them?
Anyway, she is turning 11 this year and her sister, my younger goddaughter is turning 9, and I had a glimpse of what kind of teenagers they would grow up to the last time I saw them as I slept with them my entire trip there and we had some girly chat before going to sleep.
Hmmm.... let's hope their tween (pre-teen) years are prolonged and still keep the innocence around them, they still believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, thanks to their mother, my good frend Audrey who wanted to provide/preserve the sanctity of a childhood in today's harsh world. Instead of a coin, Audrey gave her girls 5 bucks for each tooth under their pillow, *salute* I didn't even have any when I was a little girl!!!
Back to conditional love, it is quite disheartening to see that some children never grew out of their infancy, i.e. adults who are self-centered and hardly make the effort to expand their view/horizon. "Of course I love you, honey, you are so beautiful".... five or ten years later, they are no more beautiful or sweet anymore and they move on.
Infidelity aside, we have people who don't treasure relationships of any kind and for them, it all boils down to "how much is she/he of use to me and what does it matter to me?" Hence with these kind of people, friendship has an 'expiry date'. When they feel that you are of no more use to them, you are considered expired friends and they cease to even make effort to be friends with you anymore.
That, my friends, is called Conditional Love. Maybe not 'LOVE', Love, maybe conditional relationship. Nope, conditional ties is more like it, relationship takes a lot of work, so they just form ties that are easy to cut off after it has run its course.
I have learned to not really care about these 'children/kidults (kid+adults) who never grew out of their infancy' and their self-centered little world over the years. Of course that is learned through many bitter and painful experiences with such people whom you thought were your 'true friends'. Oh well, good riddance I guess. I have more like-minded people whom I call friends in later part of my life and there is nothing that I would change about them!
Here's a toast to maintaining a good relationship with as little conditions as possible! Happy relationships, everyone!!!
It is amazing how fast our brain cells connect. As I lay in bed, with a dizzy spell with a hint of nausea, nope, not pregnant or anything like that YET, my mind quickly travelled back to 1984, early of the year during Chinese New Year. I was at my paternal grandparents house and my grandma was still alive then (she passed away in 1985).
The reason that piece of memory jumped out from the internal brain data search is because my feeling of being unwell now reminds me of how I felt nauseated after my aunt gave me plain water to drink, I asked for a second glass cos I was thirsty and I puked my gut out shortly after that and deemed sick by the adults. Lying in sick bed is not fun at all especially during celebration time.
Beloved hubby is now at my parents' place, lovingly packing dinner from my mother's kitchen for me. My sweet sweet husband.
I count my blessings and am happy with who I have around me, my family and friends and I am not in dire need of material things or hunger for love and attention and my health, despite the minor ailments, I'm generally healthy. Looking at my blessings make me contented and tone down any feelings of envy inside. Humans tend to compare with those who seem better off, that's human nature isn't it?
Of course a perpetual resolve to try to conceive (TTC), is a yearly 'resolution' I try to make to achieve and here I am still childless, at the end of 2011. I am exactly two years past my personal deadline to have a baby by 2009. Deadlines don't work this way, you don't go against fate, or the Malay will say you cannot force blessings or 'rezeki' to be showered upon you. Anyway, my journey of TTC continues to 2012.
I tried to look at the Positive side of being childless for years and finally I am making progress. I am trying to enjoy not having a little bundle of joy around, we can concentrate on our twosome time and trips together, the late night movies and all without having to worry about babysitting. Well at least that's a consolation, right? :)
Happy New Year everyone! If the world is really gonna end next year, let's embrace 2012 and live each day as if it's our last, Live Life to the Fullest!!! Have a blessed year. :)
Hubby and I have been loyal patrons of TGI Fridays (TGIF) since the beginning of our relationship some 8 years ago.
Of course we are naturally excited when TGIF opened up an outlet near our area at Wangsa Walk Mall some two years back. We were literally regular customers to the extent that we once had dinners at least once every week at TGIF Wangsa Walk Mall. That was how 'smitten' we were as loyal patrons.
We tasted the food at TGIF at other places, namely The Curve and OneUtama, to name a few, and at first we 'tried to forgive' the 'new chefs' at TGI Fridays Wangsa Walk Mall for the food standard that seems a little bit below par compared to the other outlets in the chain.
Then we remembered a survey they requested us to do based on the receipt number, and upon completion of the online questionnaire, we get a unique code to produce to be entitled to a free fajita on our next visit. I remembered doing the survey thrice, the first time I entered a long comment in the box, even touching about the food quality. The second and third times, they removed the comment box and the survey was much shorter.
Anyway, talking about the food quality, the standard has really deteriorated with time. On some days after that, the food was so-so, on some days the food at TGI Fridays Wangsa Walk Mall was barely edible.
We decided to visit the outlet again on Nov 23, 2011. I'm sitting here at the outlet, typing this blogpost, while waiting for our bill.
Sad to say, the food served today is the worst ever in our experience at TGIFriday!!!!
Here are some pix to prove my point:
Pix 1: See how burnt the toast is? It shouldn't be called Tuscan Chicken Melt, more like Burnt Toast with Chicken/Cheese
Pix 2: For the first time ever, this evening, I got my grilled chicken breast partially raw!!! Unacceptable! This is NOT even a steak, if they are trying to achieve a medium rare cooking!
Pix 3: In one of the refills, the server ignored hubby's request for NO ICE. Hubby didn't wanna make a fuss hence he took out all the ice with the dessert spoon.
Pix 4: At least dessert is still nice.
Geez, TGIFridays Wangsa Walk Mall really need to buck up and improve your food standards! What is an eatery without good food quality!?!
We spoke to the new manager (who joined only one month ago), and he apologised for the cooking, and said maybe the cook woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning... we were like... huh? It's not even funny. He thanked us for the feedback and let's hope something is done to improve and he lasts long enough and won't leave like that last manager!!!
Update: June 2012 - We visited again after a long time, and again a few weeks after that, the cooking has improved to the standards that it should be. Yay!
Every human being wants to have his/her feelings recognised and acknowledged. Somehow we have this innate urge to be the 'most' in everything, like the happiest, saddest, proudest, worst, most terrible, most painful, etc.
If one person says oh, the surgery hurt, and you said mine did too, the doc cut me 3 more inches deeper than yours, or my job is bad, you'll say - no, your job isn't that bad, my job is the worst!
Example: I feel so bad, my job is okay, but I find myself dragging my feet to work every morning, I wish I can enjoy my work but I hate my current job.
It doesn't make that person feel better by saying: "You are ungrateful/should count your blessing/do you know how many unemployed people are out there in this economic uncertainty".. and you launch into a lecture or worse, a personal attack on the already stressed out individual.
Yeah, you have many more 'worse' stories but just because you are comparing does not mean that individual will feel any less worse or even feel better about his/her current job!
Acknowledge the feelings first, give that reassurance that you are recognising the feelings, and then slowly, see if you can offer some help or advice, usually people take the short cut and force-feed such individuals that caused them to feel worse about themselves or even worse, shut down altogether and will not attempt to reach out to anyone anymore. This is very sad, especially in cases where a simply word of concern can make one feel better. This is where we get : 'No one understands me' phrases cos too often, humans jump the line and offer their 'better or worse stories' and give a piece of their mind that shut the individual up and retreat into his/her own cave.
Yeah, I understand the need for comparison for a certain level of motivation to improve and for the advancement of 'humankind', that kinda idealism. Despite that, we should remember that our quest to feel the 'most' does not mean we could discount others' feelings too.
When people are sharing their negative feelings, it simply means they are ranting/complaining/need reassurance - Since they need acknowledgment of their feelings, give it to them and keep your advice or 'greater stories' to yourself unless asked/requested. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others by acknowledging their feelings and the world will be a more peaceful place.
*LONG POST AHEAD* I just need to let this out of my system... deliberated on whether I should post this but hubby encouraged me to do so to close this chapter of my life.
I felt a tinge of disappointment and sadness when someone close to me attended and even got so actively involved in the wedding preparation of someone who is not flesh and blood to her while I, whom she claimed to be close to, had her absent during all my wedding receptions, graduation, and had to be content with empty and broken promises. She is my mother's flesh and blood, hence half my blood is her blood as well.
I saw her involvement through pix posted on facebook and as I browsed through the pix and saw that she attended each step of the wedding from the preparation and all, I could not help but feel like wanted to shout out, hey, that's not fair!
I know I'm past the 30 mark already, and I should act like an adult, but suddenly, it was as if all the growing up and the years never took place at all.
I was the little girl again, about 5 years old, trying to do all I could as the adults shouted and she was crying alone in her room, my mother asked me to pacify her, comfort her. All I could do was pat her arms while she buried her face in her pillow on her bed, and I remembered saying, "Please don't cry".
Then I remember growing up given empty promises like she'll give me the handdrawn painting on her bedroom wall of the ballerina if I can convince my parents to let me spend the night with her. I remembered the conversation as if it was yesterday:
Her: Spend the night with me and then you can have one of the paintings on my wall
Me: But I need to eat breakfast that I'm used to. Like Koko Krunch and milk.
Her: Then I'll buy for you lor.
Me: (thinking how to convince my parents)
As my parents already had other plans for the family, it didn't happen. But when it did happen after that, after I spent the night with her, she forgot about her promises, and I was too polite to ask. But I REMEMBER. She conveniently forgot. I also remembered what she told my mum after that (I spent the night more than a couple of times with her after that), she's a bad sleeper (meaning I toss and turn a lot). I remember vividly that I slept close to her like I always do with my mum, and I think my face touched her forearm. So maybe that's not proper even for a child in elementary school.
Because of her, I never became a bridesmaid as I was the eldest my generation. She had become a bridesmaid numerous times. Once, I was to be the bridesmaid as she had other engagement (work) so I was the replacement.. a week or two before that, my role was taken away from me and I had to join the other younger cousins as flower girls. They had their costumes all ready except for me. And they didn't even prepare my costume, my mother had to ransack the old clothes of her sisters and her and pull out one yellowed white dress.
I was 14 when I had some emotional problems. She was away. After it happened, the close-knit clan knew about it and she returned. We had a chat and I remembered her saying: "If I was here when that happen, I could help you" Then I realised it was to be like that in our relationship.. If ... which never happened.. so she never helped me.
Then when I was 15, it was her wedding. She had no bridesmaid cos she wanted everyone to be flower girls. Poof, no chance for me then.
I remembered it was in September and it was really close to my Form 3 public examination then. I woke up at 4.30am on her wedding day, which was a school day, went to 'accompany' her to leave my grandma's house and then 'accompany' her to her husband's house. Then after breakfast, just before 7am, my mother sent me to school. She forgot that. I remember.
I wanted to pursue my studies away from home.. it met with strong opposition from my clan, when I say my clan, it's my mother's side of the family, including my nuclear family. She was one huge voice. She told me the story of her life and how she was denied the opportunity to leave our hometown. I knew about it (fast forward to my first memory of her crying when I was five above) and just listened. She said if she left, she would not have known her husband, bla bla. She talked of missed opportunities and job offers that finally came too late for her to work in Singapore and elsewhere, cos she was already tied down with her then bf, now her husband. Anyway, as fate would have it, my application didn't see me being accepted by my first choice, my second choice, as promised to my dad, is in a varsity near home. Everyone was relieved.
Then my graduation party came and went WITHOUT her attending. She was busy with work. Till now, I think it's because my achievement reminds her of what she missed in her life. She couldn't continue her studies beyond Sixth Form (A-Levels equivalent).
I remembered from my graduation till my wedding, she told me of her trying to get into a local varsity for Performing Arts, related to her line of work, but found that due to differences of education system in Sarawak and Semenanjung (Peninsular) Malaysia in the 1980s, she didn't take Bahasa Malaysia (Malay Language) so she couldn't meet the basic requirement to enter the course, hence dashing all her hopes of entering a varsity to pursue tertiary education.
Looking back, I think that was why she started to grow so distant from me.
Tears are welling in my eyes as I come to this point of my blogpost. What did I do wrong? Am I so much hated by someone who is supposed to be close to me?
I remembered her ridiculing me when I was 13 at a party where we are supposed to bring presents to exchange with each other. I bugged my parents to give me money to buy a present worth at least RM5 because I did not have any pocket money back then. My parents only started giving me pocket money when I was 15 because we had no need to buy food during recess time at school as my mother prepared all our meals and we packed everything from home. My parents refused to give me the money and found something from home that could pass as a gift. So I went to this party with an old decor item from home. It was a cylindrical coinbox with bamboo shoot painting on it. As fate would have it, she got my gift. Immediately she announced loudly to everyone present (there were about 50 over people present) and asked who brought the gift. I raised my hand and meekly said "Me". She then ridiculed me for bringing something that she knew belong to my home, as I said, she's my flesh and blood. I remembered that humiliation till today. It was more than 17 years ago.. and I think I will never forget it. Then to add salt to open wound, or the proverbial to add salt to injury, her elder sister saw what I got for my gift exchange and it was a pack of two shapeless T-shirts blue and green in colour and immediately, her elder sister helped her 'took revenge' on their own flesh and blood and said: "Hahaha.. it's karma (bao ying), who asked you to bring such a present".
I remember it all just like it was yesterday. It was not my fault. My parents asked me to bring that present and I was in no financial position as a 13-year-old with no pocket money to purchase a new gift. That was such a psychological trauma for me as a tween.
Then I went back and told my mother about it. I forgot if I cried in front of her or not. But I remembered the feeling, because as I type this, I feel that all over again everytime I relive the memory in my mind. My heart is aching so bad, and I feel I'm crying inside again. My mother did not want a confrontation but felt I should express my feelings because it wasn't exactly my fault. Hence she asked me to write a letter. My mother passed the letter to her and then she told my mother she never thought I'd feel that way. NO SORRY, no nothing. What I got was a message from my mother that "she never thought she will feel that way". I was not satisfied but just kept quiet, because who am I? I am a child that is supposed to respect the elder generation, and despite the close age gap, she is of the elder generation, so I knew what to do to stay in rank.
Fast forward to 2006. She missed my engagement party. Everyone else turned up for support and congratulated me. I kinda expected that of her.
Fast forward to 2007. She missed my pre-wedding party. Everyone else was present. She even missed my bride's side wedding dinner reception when everyone else turned up. Her daughter gave me a gift from her with a note: "Please sms me your email address because I want to email you"
I texted her not once but twice with my email address but she never replied to any of my sms, and no email from her. I AM STILL WAITING FOR THE EMAIL.
Then she missed my actual wedding day, she never met my husband. Before that, she even had the cheek to tell me with a grin that she won't have to give me the tea ceremony red packet (hongbao) because she won't be there while the rest of my elders will be there. It was like a blade piercing and turning left and right in my heart.
My first wedding anniversary came and went, no emails from her, it was as if I was never promised an email. Then I returned home for my first Chinese New Year as a married daughter for the clan -- I visited her house and she didn't know how to address my husband, she didn't bother to find out his name before this. "A... ha mang (who).. What's his name?" I doubt even after we told her his name, she'd not remember now if we are to ask her who I married, her very own flesh and blood.
On my third wedding anniversary, I felt like wanting to call her or even text her to tell her of how I feel, but held back. I even told a cousin about it but my cousin put it as her being busy with her career.
The 5-year-old is still waiting.
The 8-year-old is still waiting.
The 13-year-old is still hurting with humiliation.
The 15-year-old is still hoping she'll help and at least remember the 'sacrifice' she made just before her exam to attend her wedding.. the many hours she put in to help with wrapping up the tokens for the wedding at home instead of revising for her exam. Of course she forgot.
The graduate who's still waiting for her presence.
The engaged girl who is waiting for her attendance at her engagement.
The betrothed girl who is waiting she would at least turn up at the many receptions of her wedding.
The married woman who is now past 30 and bearing the disappointment that half her life has gone by and she's not there.
I need you to know how much I am hurting just knowing you do not care.
If you care, you would talk to me like an adult and not expect my mother to do all the message passing.
This is my blog and this is my diary. And this is open. I am not naming any names, and you cannot sue me for libel or slander as there isn't any connotation or identification of your identity anywhere. I just need to get this off my chest or else I will go crazy just thinking of where did I go wrong in this relationship. I am deeply saddened. It felt like my heart is crushed again and again while trying to maintain some hope you would somehow be close to me.
This will be the only blog post on you. I decide to let you go and forgive you (not completely as the hurt is too deep) to allow myself to give myself a break. I've lived with this 'burden' for as long as I could remember.
But you have a right to know. Hence I'm posting this. Thank you for reading this.
xoxo Su Yii (you always spell my name without the 'e' in your gifts and cards to me when I was small).
You know what they say: There is no free lunch in this world. Yup, totally agree.
I recently (more like two months ago) attended a conference two blog posts ago and it was awesome listening to the renowned speakers and all from Asian countrie. Saw many celebrity bloggers too from Malaysia, Phillippines, Indonesia, India and Singapore as well as powerful people in Malaysia like CEO of AirAsia and former Prime Minister Tun Dr M.
What irked me is how incomplete the participation folder was. From the 20-odd speakers in the two-day conference, we only got less than 25% of the speakers' notes. Fine, we paid only RM199 (students and bloggers even paid less!) for a two-day conference with sponsored venue, sponsored lunches and I suspect sponsored two-tea breaks a day. However, if you cannot get it, then just tell us straight to our face, sorry, we cannot get the rest of the notes/ppt slides for you. end of story. But no, they told us, replied to us on fb wall (they do have a fb page, go search it up) that they are working on it, got problem due to some copyright issue, asked us to wait and be patient.
My hubby just consulted the stand-in doctor at Klinik dan Surgeri Setapak at Jalan Prima Setapak 5 who is totally rude and lacking interpersonal skills. It was an Indian male doctor who stood in for the usual jovial weekday doctor. He consulted this doctor on 24th January 2010, at about 7.00pm.
The doctor was giving his diagnosis of what we have already suspected, a middle ear infection, and he had actually paused and there was a pregnant pause in the conversation, so my husband asked a question to clarify and the doctor indignantly said: Let ME finish first.
That shut my husband up cos he was utterly pissed with people who are lacking finesse in their speech. He even charged a bomb for such shoddy consultation. He actually turned my husband's head around roughly and complained my husband turned his head wrongly/not enough/not the right way for him to see. Instead of feeling better, my hubby came out from the consultation room feeling slighted and said: "that is why I hate going to doctors."
Don't get us wrong, the usual doctor is very nice and friendly but this stand-in doctor brings the image of this branch down.
FYI: the address of this clinic is Klinik dan Surgeri Setapak, 19, Jln Prima Setapak 5, Setapak, KL
Yes, we are made of flesh and blood.. but we are made of more...
Humans, we are separate yet the same.. we share the same physiology, female and male, with distinct gender characteristics, with brains and all the physical faculties intact for normal "us".
However, what is the thing that makes us different from a pack of wolves? From a herd of elephants? From a shoal of fish?
Our spirit? Then why do we say "You have a wild spirit, just like the eagle soaring the sky"? How are we different then? Spirit of courage? Then why do we have "As brave as a lion"?
You may then say, it's our souls. And animals do not have souls. However, when you look into your beloved puppy's eyes or into your aged dog's eyes just when he/she is dying... you can't help but feel that the soulful eyes are actually similar to a dying human. Who are you to say that animals do not have souls? Or at least a semblance of soul?
How about feelings? Some have argued that what make us humans different from animals are the feelings and intuition rather than animal instinct. How about gut feelings? Then you'll add that we have logic and rationality, and all the logical things the animals have displayed in their survival are actually based on their survival instincts.. but then again, back in the Paleolitics, our predecessors managed to survive based on their survival instincts too.. and we evolved.
So that brings us to... we manage to evolve and the animals did not.
Okay.. then how about a possibility of the nearest cousin of ours, the apes evolving in their intellect into more refined apes like how it was depicted in the planet of the apes? Creepy idea.. some may deny the possibility but with the modern day technology where anything is possible, only time will tell... so I dare not say never.
This question of how we are different from others, actually stem from an underlying sense of insecurity and inability to live in harmony with nature.
Who were here first? Animals, plants or homosapiens? homosapiens = human species
Actually, WE are the invaders. Take our ego aside and live in harmony with nature. Stop destroying our environment, stop killing the animals by illegal poaching, and slow down to heal Mother Earth.
