After awhile,
Time heals,
Hearts may soften,
But some harden,
Minds are fixed,
Memories distorted,
All seen through rosy lenses,
Or perhaps still buried in bitterness,
Seeing things through a tinted blurry window pane.
After awhile,
Why peace still eludes the world?
Senseless destruction
of humankind and nature
Warped thinking
Bent on twisted mindset
Still...
After awhile,
Does it matter?
Yes, then do something about it.
No, then say nothing about it.
Enough negativity in the world...
After awhile,
Some lose
Some win
Some gain
Some let go
Others indifferent
Some care till the end.
After awhile,
Children grow,
People age,
Some pass on,
Life goes on.
~ Been awhile... Sue Sept 11, 2014
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Thursday, 11 September 2014
Friday, 30 August 2013
Missing Someone Who Will Never Come Back
A breath away is not far to where you are....
I miss my late mother-in-law.
I really miss her now even when I am typing this alone in the living room while hubby is in the bedroom with our son... I miss her a lot.
I haven't really cried after she passed away. I actually have no regrets because I did my best for her and said all that I wanted to say... but I really miss her. I miss her it hurts so much everytime our boy cries and I wonder if it was his tummy hurting or his ear hurting, I wanted to call mommy and ask and I realised she is no longer here. When I saw how our life feels so empty because we are lacking that every two or three days phone call to mommy and say Hello to her in a sing-song manner.
I miss her belly laugh and how cheerful she seems whenever we talk, knowing very well we brought her happiness in her final years... I have no regrets I decided to hold on and started my mission to learn to love her, ... I have since truly loved another mother who isn't my own mother from the bottom of my heart, I deeply miss her.. the screen is blur now due to my tears... gosh, I miss mommy so much....
She will never see our son grow up. She will never see him take his first step, she will never hear him call her po po. If we have more children after our firstborn, she will never know... or maybe she knows from up there in Heaven because that is where she should be. With a heart that big, always selfless, she must be in Heaven now. Maybe she is polishing the Heaven's gates because she always said she will fall asleep if she just sit still doing nothing.
My birthday is coming soon... mommy celebrated my birthday three times with me last year... it was as if she knew she could not spend time with me anymore after last year, 2012.... she made longetivity noodles and cooked two eggs she dyed red for good luck and prosperity for me during my Chinese Lunar Birthday, then we had a great Karaoke dinner in a private room where she kissed me and gamely posed again for my sister to catch the kiss on replay... then on my actual birthday early October we had dinner with Pei in Kuching where we sought treatment for her tumours... three times, not once did we talk about death or dying... it wasn't until November when I was on unpaid leave, all alone with mommy that she asked me if she was really dying.
I still remembered what I told her... I answered yes to that but when she asked me how much longer she has, I replied that not even the doctor could predict because if the doctor said a few months but she could live a few years then the doctor is lying, and if the doctor said a few years but then she passed away in a few months, then the doctor is lying as well. I kept telling her to be positive and everything will be okay in the end. From May 2012 of final stage cancer... she only passed away on March 19, 2013, 10 months of surviving final stage cancer. She is one strong fighter, our mommy. Just in time for our son to celebrate his 30th day full moon day... mommy's passing away anniversary will always be our son's age minus 30 days.
Mommy, wherever you are, your spirit lives on in us... I shall tell my son about you and what a great grandmother you are, an ordinary woman with great achievements in human values.
I miss you, and I still love you, my only mother-in-law.
xoxo
Sue
Pix of mommy making her famous yong to fu for one last time before she was too weak to stand up in 2012 *miss her and her cooking and everything about her*
30 DAYS... THE BEGINNING AND THE END
Thursday, 20 December 2012
20.12.2012
Dec 20, 2012, a nice number 20.12.2012.
This year 12.12.12 took the first prize as the most special date for the year and the next one shall be today. Or maybe Dec 21 tops every other date due to the hype it is the end of the world according to the Mayans? I don't know. Doesn't matter.
Since it has been more than a week since my last update, this shall be another reflection post.
A living miracle is at my home in the form of my mother-in-law who is fighting cancer and I am reminded of how blessed we are in life each day.
She is still alert, still can talk coherently and she still can eat and drink a little although she is mostly bed bound. She can stand up with assistance and support, to transfer to a wheelchair so she isn't exactly totally weak, there is still hope as she is eating and she has energy, although not as much as we'd like her to.
There are ups and downs in the last few months. With each down we are tested again and again, all of us in the family, especially the three of us who are the primary care giver. The learning curve is rather steep. When you are only given weeks to live, suddenly other things in life, it pales in comparison and becomes trivial all of the sudden.
Nothing is more important than matters concerning 'Life and death'. When time is running out and you know the end is near, what will YOU do?
Thought for today, as according to the Mayans, the world will end tomorrow. *chuckle*
The pix is a memorable one taken on Dec 14, 2012, a personal note to self to never ever forget that day. :) A life changing day you can say. *smiles*
Happy Year End, Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013! If the world is really ending tomorrow then I can tell myself I have no regrets. :)
This year 12.12.12 took the first prize as the most special date for the year and the next one shall be today. Or maybe Dec 21 tops every other date due to the hype it is the end of the world according to the Mayans? I don't know. Doesn't matter.
Since it has been more than a week since my last update, this shall be another reflection post.
A living miracle is at my home in the form of my mother-in-law who is fighting cancer and I am reminded of how blessed we are in life each day.
She is still alert, still can talk coherently and she still can eat and drink a little although she is mostly bed bound. She can stand up with assistance and support, to transfer to a wheelchair so she isn't exactly totally weak, there is still hope as she is eating and she has energy, although not as much as we'd like her to.
There are ups and downs in the last few months. With each down we are tested again and again, all of us in the family, especially the three of us who are the primary care giver. The learning curve is rather steep. When you are only given weeks to live, suddenly other things in life, it pales in comparison and becomes trivial all of the sudden.
Nothing is more important than matters concerning 'Life and death'. When time is running out and you know the end is near, what will YOU do?
Thought for today, as according to the Mayans, the world will end tomorrow. *chuckle*
The pix is a memorable one taken on Dec 14, 2012, a personal note to self to never ever forget that day. :) A life changing day you can say. *smiles*
Happy Year End, Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013! If the world is really ending tomorrow then I can tell myself I have no regrets. :)
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Dealing with Terminal Illness and Death
I was taking a video of the congregation of Catholic devotees praying while facing the Mother Mary image that appeared since last Friday, Nov 9, 2012 at Sime Darby Medical Centre, Subang Jaya, Malaysia, when another lady, Blonde haired, blue-eyed, a rare view of Caucasian in this predominantly Asian society, came up beside me and snapped a photo as well.
Her name is Tina, I introduced myself first as Sue and shook her hand and she gave me her name. Apparently this middle-age pretty lady is a teacher at an international school and she was visiting her colleague, a Canadian lady who is battling breast cancer which has spread to the bones.
Tina was actually heading to the opposite direction to wait for her husband to pick her up, unbeknownst to me, yet our short five-minute-conversation drew her towards my direction, heading to the parking lot.
Our conversation went like this (mind you we are complete strangers and I still don't know her last name):
Tina: I am a Christian and I believe in God but to grasp on to such an image, I just cannot believe it.
Sue: Yeah, when the world gets too tough, people tend to look for hopes in all the places, something to cling on to with the hope their prayers will be answered.
Tina: Exactly! They ask me, "Don't you believe in God? I said, "Yes, I believe in God but not like this."
At this point I kept my camera phone and I walked towards the opposite direction Tina was heading. That was when I extended my hand in friendship and said "I'm Sue" and she was taken aback before taking my hand and muttered "Tina", I had to ask for her name again so I can hear it clearer (early deafness in my ears *shudder*).
Tina: So you are here to visit a patient?
Sue: My mother-in-law is sick. She has cancer, terminal stage. (I didn't answer if I was there visiting or just getting meds or any other reason as that is immaterial).
Tina: I am here to visit my friend too. She has breast cancer, had both her breasts removed and now it has spread to her bones and she is refusing all treatment from the doctor. We went out for a movie last week and she was still fine and now she is back to the hospital as she has been vomiting.
Sue: Why is she refusing treatment?
Tina: She says she believes in the alternative healing and she goes for acupuncture and herbs which she believes really help her. She says she refuses to believe she will die of cancer. She quoted her own mother who removed one breast many years ago and now at 80, she is still alive, so she will be like her own mother, she said she will not die of cancer.
I shook my head while I think back of many personal experiences of people dealing with death and went into serious denial as that is their coping mechanism.
Sue: That is serious denial.
Tina: Yes, she is in denial. She is beyond counseling and we all know she is stubborn. She says she is planning to go back to Canada because that is where she is from, but not now because she cannot get all the alternative treatment there. She will only go back to die. And she believes she is NOT dying.
Sue: Of course we hope she will recover, there are cases where willpower creates miracles but if her condition deteriorates which they usually will, since her cancer has already spread, she will no longer be fit for a long plane ride back to Canada soon! Didn't anyone tell her that?
Tina: She is stubborn. If you tell her to fly back to Canada now that is like telling her you will die for sure. And she cannot get her treatment there (alternative healing) which she believes is helping her get better.
Sue: That is a difficult situation. Does her family know. Didn't they talk to her?
Tina: Yeah, they know. But she is stubborn. She hasn't even named the beneficiary of her EPF (Employees Providence Fund).
Sue: Is she married to a local then? How old is she?
Tina: No, she is single. She's 52. There's quite a lot in her EPF which she plans to give to her mother.
Sue: 52, So young. But someone's gotta go to her and 'shake her' to let her see the reality of the situation?
Tina: Yeah. I am going to talk to my colleagues at the international school.
I was about to pay for my parking fees when I motioned Tina to pay hers but then she realized she is way off her route.
She asked me how to get out from there to the entrance and I pointed her out.
In a spontaneous gesture, just like how I first extended my hand in friendship, Tina muttered "Thank you for the chat, you are so strong to care for another person" and she extended both her arms, wide open, and we hugged. I said "This can happen to anyone regardless of race. Cancer is very common nowadays. Good luck (with your friend)."
We smiled genuinely at each other, and I can never forget Tina's clear sky-blue-eyes.
Then we parted ways. Two strangers who crossed path just because we love taking photos with our phones. Nov 16, 2012, Friday.
You may be interested in: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/30-days.html
Her name is Tina, I introduced myself first as Sue and shook her hand and she gave me her name. Apparently this middle-age pretty lady is a teacher at an international school and she was visiting her colleague, a Canadian lady who is battling breast cancer which has spread to the bones.
Tina was actually heading to the opposite direction to wait for her husband to pick her up, unbeknownst to me, yet our short five-minute-conversation drew her towards my direction, heading to the parking lot.
Our conversation went like this (mind you we are complete strangers and I still don't know her last name):
Tina: I am a Christian and I believe in God but to grasp on to such an image, I just cannot believe it.
Sue: Yeah, when the world gets too tough, people tend to look for hopes in all the places, something to cling on to with the hope their prayers will be answered.
Tina: Exactly! They ask me, "Don't you believe in God? I said, "Yes, I believe in God but not like this."
At this point I kept my camera phone and I walked towards the opposite direction Tina was heading. That was when I extended my hand in friendship and said "I'm Sue" and she was taken aback before taking my hand and muttered "Tina", I had to ask for her name again so I can hear it clearer (early deafness in my ears *shudder*).
Tina: So you are here to visit a patient?
Sue: My mother-in-law is sick. She has cancer, terminal stage. (I didn't answer if I was there visiting or just getting meds or any other reason as that is immaterial).
Tina: I am here to visit my friend too. She has breast cancer, had both her breasts removed and now it has spread to her bones and she is refusing all treatment from the doctor. We went out for a movie last week and she was still fine and now she is back to the hospital as she has been vomiting.
Sue: Why is she refusing treatment?
Tina: She says she believes in the alternative healing and she goes for acupuncture and herbs which she believes really help her. She says she refuses to believe she will die of cancer. She quoted her own mother who removed one breast many years ago and now at 80, she is still alive, so she will be like her own mother, she said she will not die of cancer.
I shook my head while I think back of many personal experiences of people dealing with death and went into serious denial as that is their coping mechanism.
Sue: That is serious denial.
Tina: Yes, she is in denial. She is beyond counseling and we all know she is stubborn. She says she is planning to go back to Canada because that is where she is from, but not now because she cannot get all the alternative treatment there. She will only go back to die. And she believes she is NOT dying.
Sue: Of course we hope she will recover, there are cases where willpower creates miracles but if her condition deteriorates which they usually will, since her cancer has already spread, she will no longer be fit for a long plane ride back to Canada soon! Didn't anyone tell her that?
Tina: She is stubborn. If you tell her to fly back to Canada now that is like telling her you will die for sure. And she cannot get her treatment there (alternative healing) which she believes is helping her get better.
Sue: That is a difficult situation. Does her family know. Didn't they talk to her?
Tina: Yeah, they know. But she is stubborn. She hasn't even named the beneficiary of her EPF (Employees Providence Fund).
Sue: Is she married to a local then? How old is she?
Tina: No, she is single. She's 52. There's quite a lot in her EPF which she plans to give to her mother.
Sue: 52, So young. But someone's gotta go to her and 'shake her' to let her see the reality of the situation?
Tina: Yeah. I am going to talk to my colleagues at the international school.
I was about to pay for my parking fees when I motioned Tina to pay hers but then she realized she is way off her route.
She asked me how to get out from there to the entrance and I pointed her out.
In a spontaneous gesture, just like how I first extended my hand in friendship, Tina muttered "Thank you for the chat, you are so strong to care for another person" and she extended both her arms, wide open, and we hugged. I said "This can happen to anyone regardless of race. Cancer is very common nowadays. Good luck (with your friend)."
We smiled genuinely at each other, and I can never forget Tina's clear sky-blue-eyes.
Then we parted ways. Two strangers who crossed path just because we love taking photos with our phones. Nov 16, 2012, Friday.
You may be interested in: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/30-days.html
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