I struggle to find the right words for this blog post.
It has been 9 years since my grandpa passed on and 3 years since my mother-in-law passed on. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes the heart just feels numb. Memories are highlighted in fragments. You find yourself keep reliving the memories, good and bad over and over again, and you catch yourself looking on with nostalgia at old photographs.
The desperate clinging on to every single memory that you can keep in mind is further reinforced by the clinging of the few possessions that you still keep.
I panicked when the blouse I kept with mommy's scent lost its scent when I reached out to it and smelt it after so long... I tried imagining the smell is still there but it is just gone.. another part of mommy lost...but the smell is committed into memory.
I still call my late mom-in-law "Mommy". I still call my grandpa "Gong Gong".
I was sitting down in Singapore one day and I whiffed a scent of his favourite Brylcream haircream and I half expected him to be near me. Instead I saw an old man of Chinese descent, dressed in a similar style as Gong Gong, only he is much younger than Gong Gong's 95 years, yet just seeing that old man is like seeing an apparation of Gong Gong and I could not help but rudely stared for quite some time until I tried to hide my stare and started to peek... The feelings that surfaced were so strong I felt like crying in joy at such familiar memories and crying in sadness cos I deeply miss him.
Sometimes you miss a departed loved one so much your heart felt like it would burst. Sometimes you feel angry that their time is so short and you wish for just one more day with them to spend more time with them just to hear their voice again and to feel their touch and just to see them again in person. Like me, sometimes I wonder what if they are still alive. Will my son's life be different and be better shaped just because he could meet his grandma and greatgrandpa? Alas, that will remain a big What If. It is just not meant to be.
Such is the attachment we have to our dearly departed... Life goes on... but we are just too emotionally fragile sometimes and it is okay to miss them and let the tears fall once in awhile.
RIP May we find solace that our loved ones have departed to a peaceful, happier place.
After awhile,
Time heals,
Hearts may soften,
But some harden,
Minds are fixed,
Memories distorted,
All seen through rosy lenses,
Or perhaps still buried in bitterness,
Seeing things through a tinted blurry window pane.
After awhile,
Why peace still eludes the world?
Senseless destruction
of humankind and nature
Warped thinking
Bent on twisted mindset
Still...
After awhile,
Does it matter?
Yes, then do something about it.
No, then say nothing about it.
Enough negativity in the world...
After awhile,
Some lose
Some win
Some gain
Some let go
Others indifferent
Some care till the end.
After awhile,
Children grow,
People age,
Some pass on,
Life goes on.
My car battery went dead on me and I was already running late for work.
Instead of waiting to get it sorted out, I hailed a taxi from in front of my home and got to work within a reasonable time frame.
Then I had a 2pm-4pm break and the sky looked very dark. As if my mood isn't dark enough for the day.
It was then that I decided to take the cab back home to check on my baby boy, dark sky or not.
By the time I reached home, rain started pouring and the thunderous sky had an angry sounding orchestra up above.
My little one's smiling face changed to a frown and then his mouth turned downwards and he started wailing with the first thunder. The second lightning came and the second thunder sounded, causing him to wail even more. I picked him up and cuddled him while singing a nonsense lullaby that I just made up on the spot and he calmed down and settled into a singing response to me, cooing all the way in my arms as the thunders continue their symphony.
Bad day or not, I felt needed and I am glad I made that short trip back home right there and then before going back to work at 4pm later.
If you let them, babies have a way of brightening your day... the keyword here is "if you let them".
I have decided to let my baby taken over my life and my heart. Thank you baby boy.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build them up with work out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
P/S - And the women shall be equals? Ah well, we get the drift, Kipling. Shall strive to excel and persevere while keeping our virtues. Thanks for the motivating poem which tide me through my preteen years and now in my 30s.
Happy 11th Birthday to my eldest god daughter Rachel dearie, 11.11.2012 and she is 11! Gotta love her birth date! Mommy loves you too!
I am listening to my favourite Japanese song, Tegami, google up アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君 which tells of a story of how a 15-year-old found it hard to live on in life and wrote a letter to her future self and her future self actually replied.
Here is another letter to myself. You can read about my previous letter here. Or just click on 'letters' on the labels menu for all the letters I've written, more like open letters, I'm an open book anyway. :-)
Dear Sue (myself) who just got married in 2007,
You should still be grieving for the loss of our little one (RIP 09092007) who did not even have the chance to be born and breathe his/her first breath of life... the pain is raw, especially in the first four years, but trust me, by 2011, you can talk about it calmly without shedding a tear. The sadness is still there, but I guess we just get stronger as time passes.
I know by now, end Oct, you feel like life is ending for you, you are blaming everyone and most of all, we blamed ourselves, and lashed out at the closest person, our darling husband, bless his kind soul. He is not a man of many words and yes, he is a loving man, despite his lack of sensitivity, he will surprise us, dear Sue, yes, I never knew love has no limit, I love him now even more than when I first married him. Guess this is what love is all about, not bound by any limit?
No, we don't have a kid yet five years plus from now, the pregnancy test kit is still showing the single line of negative. Trust me, all the months of trying and disappointment is a 'training' for us to be stronger and face what lies ahead of us. What you may ask? I didn't see the answer back then but now I can tell you this:
With the many happenings in my life right now, example - this, I find that my husband and I (and generally the whole family and everyone linked to us socially), are growing by leaps and bounds especially when it comes to self-reflection, character-reflection, changes in life's outlook (thoughts and opinions) and I can sum it up with one phrase: we all learn how to be true humans. My mother-in-law taught us all that.
In the past, in healthier times, our mother-in-law would do all she could, cook, clean, care, cook, clean care, she repeats all these with a fervent desire to give the very best to her loved ones, she does not discriminate even if it is a stranger asking for a glass of water at her gate, or the last customer to arrive when she was about to pack up and go home when she was selling cakes and delicacies called "kueh" (gway), sweet stuff she made and I was told her generosity extended to the extent she literally gave away free "kueh" at the end of the day.
There is not a single thought of greed in this noble woman, not a single shred of selfishness, she is truly selfless and only live to serve others. Some more materialistic people may think this is foolish, but over the years, the short five years I have been her daughter-in-law, I began to see things from her point of view.
You don't lose anything just by being helpful and generous, instead, you gain satisfaction and you gain more by giving.
Our mother-in-law truly embraced the meaning of giving unconditionally, loving unconditionally, she found joy in serving others.
I plan to write a book on her and I have started a bit on that, starting with this blogpost, I shall take November off from work and accompany her, be by her side wherever she goes, and I shall start typing away on my laptop, I shall remember to save everything and back it up on my thumb drive just in case my laptop fail me. I shall ask her questions if I am stumped, but that won't be much, I remember almost everything, every little story, every anecdote she told me since I first called her "Auntie" in 2004, up till now, I call her "Mommy". I guess every woman who talks a lot remembers a lot too as we relate and repeat the stories to one another.
My summary is:
In the past one and a half months, coming to two months, I have learned and still learning the art of living from this admirable woman I call my mother-in-law.
She is a simple woman, some may even call her one of the simple country-folk, a typical housewife, but to everyone whose lives she touched, she is more than that! She is the epitome of the perfect woman, virtuous, God-fearing (she believes in the Goddess of Mercy and surrenders her fate to Her), generous, always putting others before Self (she has truly learned the art of mastering "Anatta", Buddhism teaching for no-self, no-ego), even in the past two months, her learning curve is pretty steep and she has actually perfected her character and started to let go a lot! I feel like she is almost a saint, my mother-in-law!
To the Sue five years ago,
I know you feel like life is at the bleakest now, especially when you yearn so much for a child and have him/her taken so suddenly away from you, it is rough on darling hubby too, but let me tell you this, if we have a cute adorable five-year-old now, we cannot do what we are doing now. We cannot grow as much as we are growing now (not growing fat, but growing up).
Darling hubby is growing up too, we are actually more mature and we are learning new things everyday, the meaning of what it truly means to be human.
It is simple, no religious incantations, no prayer, just one word: "ACCEPTANCE".
Remember how we used to ask: WHY? Why me? Why now? Why not?
Now I know why and I tell you this:
Everything happens for a reason. Whatever that happens, no matter how bad, it must be good. There is always hope in despair. Even when the going gets tough, the tough always get going. Yeah, I know, cliche but they are all TRUE!
Why are we still childless? The way I look at it, it is because we are meant to be serving this noble woman who have always put others before herself. How can we fully concentrate in caring for our beloved mother-in-law if we have a toddler or two towing along? We will feel bad if we neglect our kid(s) to care for an elderly, knowing our motherly instinct!
It is as if the jigsaw puzzle pieces are coming together and I can finally see the whole picture, mommy (yeah, we call her mommy now, we truly love her now, you know), mommy needs us to be by her side, and we are willing to be by her side and THANK GOODNESS we are childless now. It is a blessing in disguise. We are still in our early 30s, Sue, we can still try. Mommy needs us now. We shall be strong, child(ren) can wait.
It is a chance denied to many, to care for the elderly and repay all their love for us. I feel blessed, so hang in there. All will end well in the end. Have faith!
Yours lovingly,
Sue (Oct 27, 2012)
If you wish to read more, follow these in chronological order:
Since they are already published anyway, just sharing these if you have a few minutes to spare:
Read this first:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/10/third-letter-to-my-yo
unger-self-tegami.html
I admit I still have a lot to learn and I am still trying to improve on my manners, speech and thoughts. Sorry if I have offended anyone with my direct speech sometimes, and my hormonal emotional outbursts especially when I was younger and just newly married to the Lee family.
My reflection on mommy's illness started the second day after I found out (Dr Catherine told me at just before 5pm on Sept 5, 2012) - a snapshot of my 'journey' and what I have learned the past one month plus:
As a Buddhist, I reflect on death. We talk about death quite often, we even have a reflection on death and one of the three important teachings: Dukkha, Anicca, Anatta, the element of impermanence (Anicca) is reminding us humans to reflect on the impermanence in life, with life, it starts with birth, and it will surely end in death. Death is inevitable!
As Christians and other Creator-God-theological teachings will say, God gives us life and He shall take it back and we return to Him one day. I took catechism classes for six years (shorter than my own mom who went to church all the way till she was 19, she is also a Buddhist, we mother and daughter became Buddhists in 1993) and I remember the teachings. Going to church before classes on a weekly basis and praying "Our Father" the first thing before classes, making the cross sign and then end it with "Glory Be" at the end of the day before school ends. In between we gave thanks to the Lord for the food we are about to receive and then one more prayer of thanks for the food we savoured during break/recess. It is a good discipline, a discipline to be Thankful for what we have.
My mother-in-law has been warded for more than two weeks now. Her spirits are high, and she is battling cancer. No details on that but here is something worth sharing:
This morning I talked to my MIL and she said she is okay in accepting death. She knows about her own body condition.
She even said: I have no regrets. I feel blessed already. If my time is here, I am ready to go.
I stayed the night with her and saw her sleeping peacefully... as per my tweet at @suetiong. I worried for awhile then I meditated and calmed down. This woman has gone through a lot, she is a survivor even without cancer. How can a small thing like cancer hold her back? That's when I muster enough courage to ask her the next morning when we both woke up and having breakfast and she calmly replied to all my "what if" questions. It is as if she has been expecting this talk and we both acted very naturally. It felt like a sacred moment.
Then she shot me this question: Tell me, did doctor say I am dying?
I replied without missing a beat spontaneously: Mommy, everyone will die one day, it is just a matter of time. Doctor did not say you are dying, nor did she say you are not dying. With cancer, which you know already you have, it is extremely hard to say, it can be big or small, dangerous or otherwise very fast. If doctor says you are dying and you did not die, then she would be lying, if the doctor says you are not dying and you died, then we would be saying she is lying, so it is not black and white.
She kept quiet and nodded, saying it made sense.
Then we joked and talked about light-hearted matters and recalling her past happy memories.
When we were going for radiotherapy, she in wheel chair and me beside her, she told me this: "Sue, thank Goodness for you. Having you around (since the beginning) ease my fears and I am not scared when you are around."
That's enough thanks, I don't hope for anything, only a peaceful mind for her till the end. I will love her all the way till the end and beyond.
I have truly accepted the truth, and I am thankful for each passing moment, each minute that we have together, quality time. She as my mother-in-law and me as her daughter-in-law, a special bond no one can take away from us.
The video of the ever beautiful Enya singing "Only Time" - still so soothing to the soul after all these years.
Hurt - takes time to heal.
Crop - takes time to yield.
Painful memories - takes time to forget.
Skill - takes time to be acquired.
Elation - takes time to sink in.
Habit - takes time to form.
Will be humans make it in the end?
Only time will tell.
p/s - just attended my husband's godpapa's funeral today - he is also my father-in-laws' eldest and only brother so it was a close relationship. Makes you think and reflect on the frail human life.
I love the photograph above which I have grabbed online, author/photographer unknown. The fingers/palm of the mother are similar to mine, chubby and stubby. :-) This is part of my visualisation in my daily reflection and hope that one day, our family of two will be three. Gotta keep the positive thoughts/feelings flowing!
This, and many other things and support I am grateful for in life at the moment kept me going in this journey of TTC (trying to conceive).
F- Father
A- and
M- Mother
I- I
L- Love
Y- You
We are not parents ourselves yet but hubby and I are lucky in the sense that we both have loving parents, complete sets, still alive and well. Not many have that privilege of having both sets of parents alive, and that is indeed a blessing.
We have to keep reminding ourselves not to lose sight of what we have in front of/beside us in pursuit of something we hope to gain but do not have yet. I guess 'letting go' is the start of a new beginning. My resolution is I shall resolve to not hold on too tightly to my 'goal' and live more in the present moment.
Come what may. Take a deep breath and have faith that everything will be alright in the end. Baby dust to all TTC couples.
Pix above was taken at Disney World, Orlando, Florida end March 2012, when hubby and I were there on our US honeymoon - also hubby's working trip. It was taken near the Aerosmith's Rock and Roll terrying roller coaster, which we both chickened out and settled for just a few photographs from the outside, will blog about the rides soon, the ones in Disney Hollywood Studios (formerly MGM Studios), at Disney World are really scary! Not sure when I will get around to write that blog post though, lol.
A preview of how scary the ride was - we hung about the area for about 5-10 minutes and many times, we overheard riders who just exited the ride walked past us saying things like, "I am not gonna line up a freaking one hour for that (scary) ride anymore" - "That was so scary I'm not going on it anymore", and they are young boys/teenagers, so the two of us, being past 30, opted out, call us chicken! haha
What caught my attention at the souvenir shop upon exiting the coaster ride (we went in the reverse way as we did not go into the ride) was the T-shirt, specifically, the wordings.
"If it's too loud, you're too old."
It struck a nerve. Not only is the message defiant, it thinks it's cool to be defiant to the elders. That's my personal opinion anyway.
NOTE: This blogpost will turn into a reflective post (read: Ranting) on the 'moral degradation' of our youth/adults/young seniors who ill-treat their elders who may still be alive or even put them down even in death, in memory.
It has always irked me when people lack respect or blatantly acting disrespectful to elders, by elders, it is a broad definition ranging from someone who is the younger or same age as you but is your 'aunt' or senior in some form of school/class/rank, to the definition of being older than you in age, and the 'elders' in the family, i.e. those who came before you, in your clan/family.
RUDE CHILDREN
I remembered an incident last year when I went to renew my passport and was waiting for my number to be called, when I overheard a grandmother talking to her grandson, giving him advice/asking him questions, and he ignored her completely as he was engrossed in his PSP in his hands, he was about 8 years old. Suddenly, I had to turn around and look at them as I heard a loud snappy remark from the grandson - "You are so annoying/noisy!". The grandma shut up, stunned, I guess, or maybe she is already used to that retort from her precious grandson.
Geez, if I ever have a son in the future, and I will never ever let him get away with such speech to the elders, and this is a close elder, his own grandmother! The thing is, the grandma still so lovingly offered him a jacket to ask if he was cold in the air-conditioned waiting area/offered him a drink, etc after that. Such is the unconditional love of an elder towards the young'uns. Spare the rod, spoil the kids - oh well, not my family, who am I to tell that boy a piece of my mind?
INTUITION PUT TO GOOD USE - PSYCHOLOGY GAME
Kids nowadays are smarter and craftier than before. Back when I was a kid, you will be smacked on the bottom when you were out of line (rude, lacking good manners, etc) when you were younger and when you grow older, pre-teens into teens, the cane (rattan) will land on your thighs/legs when you try to run away from the punisher, usually the dad.
Sorry, pardon my language, but a recent 'study' conducted which claimed those who were smacked when they were younger tend to fall into mental problems when they are adults are kinda 'bull' in my opinion. Are we dysfunctional? Look around.
The previous generations have survived all that smacking hundreds and thousands of years before us but in the past 30-40 years, more and more younger mental health patients were recorded, and smacking has become illegal in some states, so go figure, spare the rod, spoil the child, which in turn, affect their mental health, strong statement, I know, but that's a retort against that study, not a personal attack on anyone.
Of course, ideally, it will be best if we use the ideal gentle parenting approach with no lifting of a finger against a child. However, with the hyperactive kids overfed with sugar-filled milk powder, some sort of 'force' is required. If you are too gentle, like my close friend with a very bad-tempered toddler, the parent will be the one on the receiving end of the 'smacking' - a barely 2-year-old tot hitting his own mother. Come to think about it, a little boy I know back in the 1990s hit his own mother as well, when he was throwing tantrum and the mother didn't even lift a finger against him. The kid knows that, hence he dared to smack his own mother and continued his tantrum. Smart kid, poor mom?
WHO TO BLAME?
What has the society become? I am not blaming the gentle mothers. I cannot blame the children, as they are still young. Who is to be blamed? The milk powder/formula? The mass media the kids are exposed to? The environment/surrounding? The immediate family members? The extended family? The working mom phenomenon, hence the caretaker/nursery/babysitter is responsible?
A CRAB CAN NEVER TEACH ITS YOUNG TO WALK STRAIGHT - MALAY PROVERB
Yup, you got that right. If you have been to the beach, you may have seen the crabs walking side ways. This Malay proverb means that if the parents are behaving in a certain way, their actions will speak louder than the words they say to their children.
Children follow by example. If they see you behaving a certain way even though you have told them not to behave that way, they will usually follow the action and not what you said.
Example (many variations of the story had been told before):
Father and Mother live together with the grandma and grandpa (father's parents) and their two little children. Mother is very annoyed by the extra burden to care for the elderly on top of her two kids. Kept nagging her husband, the Father, to do something to lessen her 'burden'. The two elders' are weak and frail, cannot hold the cutlery firmly. Spilling food on the table. To 'solve' this problem, the Mother asked them to sit away from the table and gave them wooden cutleries and bowls so they will not break her precious china/glass.
The nagging by Mother continued until one day, Father relented and followed Mother's wishes to 'get rid' of the elders. He carried his parents on his back (in the older version of the traditional story) or in our modern version, he carried his parents into the car, and went up to the mountains and left them there(older version of the traditional story) - our modern version will be he left them at the nursing home (if with money), or the old folks' home under Social Welfare if he doesn't wish to part with his money.
When Father returned home, he thought he will be happy if his wife is happy. Then he saw his little boy and little girl (some versions there is only a boy, some there is only a child, no gender specified) playing in front of the house, deeply engrossed in a craft project. Curious, Father walked close and asked what were they doing.
"Oh, Father, we are making a wooden bowl and wooden cutleries."
Amused, Father asked "What is the purpose of the craft?"
"So we can give them to you and Mother when you are old like grandpa and grandma."
The little girl held out a stack of newspapers and said she will be saving them for Father and Mother to use so the food won't spill on the table/floor when they are old. *dirty* she said, making a face like how her Mother always do when talking about the two elders.
Something struck the Father and his heart beat got faster. He just saw a flash of his future and saw himself as his own parents and how wrong he was.
He went back for his parents and carried them home and lovingly took care of them until their final days. He literally put his wife in her place and she had no say in this matter. The end
Of course, this traditional story has been retold many times, and yet, not many people pay heed to the moral of the story - filial piety.
Sadly, many such stories have been circulated and people felt touched for awhile, then forget all about it when life gets overwhelming.
WHO AM I TO SAY THESE THINGS?
I am not a parent yet, but I am a child to my parents and a grandchild to my grandparents and I have the privilege of being a great-grandchild of my great-grandmother up to the age of 10. I have been taught since young to respect the elders and reprimanded if I did not greet an elder when I see them, out of respect. Asian values are deeply instilled in me, despite me not being able to read and write in my own mothertongue, having been English-educated. Usually the perception is that Chinese-educated (with English and national language in Malaysia) people are more 'strong' in Chinese-values, I am a walking contradiction of that as I am more 'Chinese' than any Chinese-educated peers, if not the same.
RESPECT - I find that the more highly you think of yourself, the harder it is to show genuine respect to others. The more humble you are, respecting others will come naturally. "Seperti resmi padi, makin berisi, makin menunduk", a Malay proverb, the more knowledgeable you are, the more you should be humble.
EGO - Again, referring to my blogpost on "Where is the Love?", there is a thin line between low self-esteem and big ego. Enough said.
EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL AND BULLYING - These people usually resort to emotional blackmail and 'bullying', yup, they will bully even their elders or their spouse via verbal abuse/physical violence on others/children/spouse or self-destructive behaviour like banging their fists hard on the wall/concrete/furniture or banging the door or stamping their feet.
Sounds familiar? Sorry if anyone felt offended by this blog post. This is entirely my opinion and if I struck a chord in your heart, I sincerely wish for a better society with solid values that make us humans. If my opinion is valid, accept it, if you feel I am wrong, feel free to discard it.
Everyone will grow old some day. The Aging Population are still humans and we shouldn't treat them otherwise. Even if they ask you the same question repeatedly, you should patiently answer them gently and try to control your irritation/temper, being an old person is hard enough without you mocking them. Imagine when you were a baby/tot and you repeated all those 'mistakes' the aging are doing now, when you were learning skills like talking and walking and you cried, did they snap at you unreasonably or scolded you impatiently when you repeated your speech? Not if they love you, you should show them some love too.
Here's quoting my own tweet on twitter today: "With age, usually comes maturity. I have learned that nothing is beneath me or even beneath anyone when it comes to life. Be humble. :-)"
Many things have happened up till now that made me reflect a lot on the fragile fragment of humanity and the life we are living, and I hope I have matured a wee bit now compared to my old self.
The ego/self is always our biggest challenge. Put it aside and the world will be a more peaceful place. I am not asking you to totally put aside your ego and don't feel any worth for yourself. No, but there are some situations where humility prevails and by bowing out, you actually let another person win, but really, you are the real winner for being the 'bigger' person here.
Think about it.
It is not how many battles you have won, it is who win the whole war. Lose the battle, win the war and not win the battle, lose the war. Fruit for thought!
As the title says, I love shopping so I decided to start a whole new blog about shopping and shopping alone!
First, for April 2012, I am offering the Coach wristlets and handbags I bought from my last US trip to fellow Malaysians, if there are no takers, I get to keep them, *glee* hahaha.
When I am not selling anything, I plan to blog about my most recent purchases, as a form of sharing with like-minded shoppers out there! A woman sure loves shopping especially when you know it's a great bargain!!!
It is amazing how fast our brain cells connect. As I lay in bed, with a dizzy spell with a hint of nausea, nope, not pregnant or anything like that YET, my mind quickly travelled back to 1984, early of the year during Chinese New Year. I was at my paternal grandparents house and my grandma was still alive then (she passed away in 1985).
The reason that piece of memory jumped out from the internal brain data search is because my feeling of being unwell now reminds me of how I felt nauseated after my aunt gave me plain water to drink, I asked for a second glass cos I was thirsty and I puked my gut out shortly after that and deemed sick by the adults. Lying in sick bed is not fun at all especially during celebration time.
Beloved hubby is now at my parents' place, lovingly packing dinner from my mother's kitchen for me. My sweet sweet husband.
I count my blessings and am happy with who I have around me, my family and friends and I am not in dire need of material things or hunger for love and attention and my health, despite the minor ailments, I'm generally healthy. Looking at my blessings make me contented and tone down any feelings of envy inside. Humans tend to compare with those who seem better off, that's human nature isn't it?
Of course a perpetual resolve to try to conceive (TTC), is a yearly 'resolution' I try to make to achieve and here I am still childless, at the end of 2011. I am exactly two years past my personal deadline to have a baby by 2009. Deadlines don't work this way, you don't go against fate, or the Malay will say you cannot force blessings or 'rezeki' to be showered upon you. Anyway, my journey of TTC continues to 2012.
I tried to look at the Positive side of being childless for years and finally I am making progress. I am trying to enjoy not having a little bundle of joy around, we can concentrate on our twosome time and trips together, the late night movies and all without having to worry about babysitting. Well at least that's a consolation, right? :)
Happy New Year everyone! If the world is really gonna end next year, let's embrace 2012 and live each day as if it's our last, Live Life to the Fullest!!! Have a blessed year. :)
Whoever said "When you turn 30, you feel down, and When you turn 31, you feel happy again", has a point. You don't feel so 'sad', as least not as sad as when you turned 30, and for me, I actually felt okay celebrating my 31st birthday last month. I was even looking forward to it, and truth to be told, I celebrated it thrice. Yup, three freaking times. lol Hey, change a perspective to look at it, you are now just at the younger end of the 30s. Look at the glass as half full and not half empty, think positive and we'll sail through life contentedly. Here's to a lifetime of contentment and inner peace/joy. :-)
This is meant as a reflection, to write down my thoughts and also as a reminder of the frailty of human life.
Dear Sue (in the future),
I'm writing to you, my future self, at this point in time. Today is a cool, cloudy Monday, July 18th, 2011, and our fourth wedding anniversary on July 14th just came and went without much 'feeleefaalaa' - remember that's our favourite phrase for 'frills'? :-) *chuckles softly to self*
This is kinda cool, writing to you, my future self, we are the one and same person, and we share the same private joke. :o)
Okay, let's start the reflection. You know I always think that I can become like my mother and be happily married, have beautiful children who grow up to be successful, and have a fulfilling life. So far I have all that my mother has accomplished at her age now, the only thing lacking is a child. By the time she was my age, she already 'closed shop' and already popped out her third and youngest child. I know this kinda thing cannot be rushed or compared that way, but we are just humans, comparison is a sure thing to make sure our species advanced in life, so comparison is only natural.
Last Saturday, July 16th, I was waiting for my turn at the specialist clinic (gynae/BM: Klinik Pakar Sakit Puan) - the Bersih 2.0 rally/demonstration on July 9th, the week before caused all the doc's appointment to be pushed to last Saturday, a week after the rally. It took me a whole 5 hours just to return home after leaving home for my appointment, and the doc is only 10-min-drive away. Oh, the drive was okay a week after the rally.. it's the number of ladies waiting cos they are all cramped into one day due to the cancelled appointments, hence the long wait. -_-
So in that four and a half hours of waiting among all the other ladies waiting to see the very patient and gentle male doctor, I read my newspaper from cover to cover, and suddenly a deep sense of loss and emptiness engulfed me. Around me, were many baby bumps carried proudly by ladies in all stages of the trimester. Some are alone, some are accompanied by their partners. Of course there are some who are middle-aged and some who have flat tummies, but they are in the minority, including myself.
The deep sense of vacuum inside quickly overcame me and I find myself tearing up. First, sadness cos I'm still childless. Second, the feeling of blame came - at first I blamed life for being unfair (as usual), then the blame turned to myself - I started blaming myself for being useless for not being able to make my husband a father. I blamed myself for not being able to make my own parents a first-time-grandparents, I also started blaming myself for not being able to be a 'normal' woman, what's the use of being a woman, and being married, and not being able to conceive naturally? Geez.. it was a downward spiral down the dark abyss deep inside me, it's so scarily alone down there.
Then the last feeling came - self-loathe. I hated myself for being less-than-a woman for not being able to carry a baby inside me. Just as I thought it doesn't get worse than that, I actually felt the first drop of tear threatening to wash down my face. I folded my newspaper (which I was reading the second round anyway), and started turning to my mobile phone and started texting to share the magnamity of my feelings at that moment. I sent so many text messages (sms) that day, in that short 2-3 hours, that I think my girl friend didn't know what else to say and finally after awhile, they left me alone. Sorry girl friends, I didn't know what to do without distracting myself, or else I'll be this nutcase who's sobbing while reading the newspaper at the gynae's waiting lounge.
To cut a long story short, got back home, the heart still felt heavy. Then when I was walking through the door, my in-laws greeted me, they were staying with me for the past two weeks, with their grandson (eldest son's son, my hubby's nephew), who is also our godson. The 14-month-old toddler could barely stand up unassisted, so he crawled quickly towards me from across my tiny living room, with a big grin on his face, showing some of his half-grown teeth, and when he reached where I was standing, the little baby held on to my pants for support, stood up and looked up at me. Gosh, at that moment, I felt like crying in joy, I smiled instead. I held him up in my arms and it was as if a sudden force pulled me up from the dark abyss of my emotions just to see a child's unconditional smile at you.
It doesn't matter that he is not mine, at this point in life, I'm part of his world. And for that, I'm thankful. I count my blessings and opened my eyes a little bit more to the little things in life to be grateful for, and not to count our losses or emptiness so much. It is natural to be down sometimes, but with each down, there will be an up. So I'm hanging on. :-)
Yours truly,
Sue (2011)
post-script: The first comment on this blog, CS, is my husband. Thank you so much for reminding me of how much loved I am. Hugs.
*LONG POST AHEAD* I just need to let this out of my system... deliberated on whether I should post this but hubby encouraged me to do so to close this chapter of my life.
I felt a tinge of disappointment and sadness when someone close to me attended and even got so actively involved in the wedding preparation of someone who is not flesh and blood to her while I, whom she claimed to be close to, had her absent during all my wedding receptions, graduation, and had to be content with empty and broken promises. She is my mother's flesh and blood, hence half my blood is her blood as well.
I saw her involvement through pix posted on facebook and as I browsed through the pix and saw that she attended each step of the wedding from the preparation and all, I could not help but feel like wanted to shout out, hey, that's not fair!
I know I'm past the 30 mark already, and I should act like an adult, but suddenly, it was as if all the growing up and the years never took place at all.
I was the little girl again, about 5 years old, trying to do all I could as the adults shouted and she was crying alone in her room, my mother asked me to pacify her, comfort her. All I could do was pat her arms while she buried her face in her pillow on her bed, and I remembered saying, "Please don't cry".
Then I remember growing up given empty promises like she'll give me the handdrawn painting on her bedroom wall of the ballerina if I can convince my parents to let me spend the night with her. I remembered the conversation as if it was yesterday:
Her: Spend the night with me and then you can have one of the paintings on my wall
Me: But I need to eat breakfast that I'm used to. Like Koko Krunch and milk.
Her: Then I'll buy for you lor.
Me: (thinking how to convince my parents)
As my parents already had other plans for the family, it didn't happen. But when it did happen after that, after I spent the night with her, she forgot about her promises, and I was too polite to ask. But I REMEMBER. She conveniently forgot. I also remembered what she told my mum after that (I spent the night more than a couple of times with her after that), she's a bad sleeper (meaning I toss and turn a lot). I remember vividly that I slept close to her like I always do with my mum, and I think my face touched her forearm. So maybe that's not proper even for a child in elementary school.
Because of her, I never became a bridesmaid as I was the eldest my generation. She had become a bridesmaid numerous times. Once, I was to be the bridesmaid as she had other engagement (work) so I was the replacement.. a week or two before that, my role was taken away from me and I had to join the other younger cousins as flower girls. They had their costumes all ready except for me. And they didn't even prepare my costume, my mother had to ransack the old clothes of her sisters and her and pull out one yellowed white dress.
I was 14 when I had some emotional problems. She was away. After it happened, the close-knit clan knew about it and she returned. We had a chat and I remembered her saying: "If I was here when that happen, I could help you" Then I realised it was to be like that in our relationship.. If ... which never happened.. so she never helped me.
Then when I was 15, it was her wedding. She had no bridesmaid cos she wanted everyone to be flower girls. Poof, no chance for me then.
I remembered it was in September and it was really close to my Form 3 public examination then. I woke up at 4.30am on her wedding day, which was a school day, went to 'accompany' her to leave my grandma's house and then 'accompany' her to her husband's house. Then after breakfast, just before 7am, my mother sent me to school. She forgot that. I remember.
I wanted to pursue my studies away from home.. it met with strong opposition from my clan, when I say my clan, it's my mother's side of the family, including my nuclear family. She was one huge voice. She told me the story of her life and how she was denied the opportunity to leave our hometown. I knew about it (fast forward to my first memory of her crying when I was five above) and just listened. She said if she left, she would not have known her husband, bla bla. She talked of missed opportunities and job offers that finally came too late for her to work in Singapore and elsewhere, cos she was already tied down with her then bf, now her husband. Anyway, as fate would have it, my application didn't see me being accepted by my first choice, my second choice, as promised to my dad, is in a varsity near home. Everyone was relieved.
Then my graduation party came and went WITHOUT her attending. She was busy with work. Till now, I think it's because my achievement reminds her of what she missed in her life. She couldn't continue her studies beyond Sixth Form (A-Levels equivalent).
I remembered from my graduation till my wedding, she told me of her trying to get into a local varsity for Performing Arts, related to her line of work, but found that due to differences of education system in Sarawak and Semenanjung (Peninsular) Malaysia in the 1980s, she didn't take Bahasa Malaysia (Malay Language) so she couldn't meet the basic requirement to enter the course, hence dashing all her hopes of entering a varsity to pursue tertiary education.
Looking back, I think that was why she started to grow so distant from me.
Tears are welling in my eyes as I come to this point of my blogpost. What did I do wrong? Am I so much hated by someone who is supposed to be close to me?
I remembered her ridiculing me when I was 13 at a party where we are supposed to bring presents to exchange with each other. I bugged my parents to give me money to buy a present worth at least RM5 because I did not have any pocket money back then. My parents only started giving me pocket money when I was 15 because we had no need to buy food during recess time at school as my mother prepared all our meals and we packed everything from home. My parents refused to give me the money and found something from home that could pass as a gift. So I went to this party with an old decor item from home. It was a cylindrical coinbox with bamboo shoot painting on it. As fate would have it, she got my gift. Immediately she announced loudly to everyone present (there were about 50 over people present) and asked who brought the gift. I raised my hand and meekly said "Me". She then ridiculed me for bringing something that she knew belong to my home, as I said, she's my flesh and blood. I remembered that humiliation till today. It was more than 17 years ago.. and I think I will never forget it. Then to add salt to open wound, or the proverbial to add salt to injury, her elder sister saw what I got for my gift exchange and it was a pack of two shapeless T-shirts blue and green in colour and immediately, her elder sister helped her 'took revenge' on their own flesh and blood and said: "Hahaha.. it's karma (bao ying), who asked you to bring such a present".
I remember it all just like it was yesterday. It was not my fault. My parents asked me to bring that present and I was in no financial position as a 13-year-old with no pocket money to purchase a new gift. That was such a psychological trauma for me as a tween.
Then I went back and told my mother about it. I forgot if I cried in front of her or not. But I remembered the feeling, because as I type this, I feel that all over again everytime I relive the memory in my mind. My heart is aching so bad, and I feel I'm crying inside again. My mother did not want a confrontation but felt I should express my feelings because it wasn't exactly my fault. Hence she asked me to write a letter. My mother passed the letter to her and then she told my mother she never thought I'd feel that way. NO SORRY, no nothing. What I got was a message from my mother that "she never thought she will feel that way". I was not satisfied but just kept quiet, because who am I? I am a child that is supposed to respect the elder generation, and despite the close age gap, she is of the elder generation, so I knew what to do to stay in rank.
Fast forward to 2006. She missed my engagement party. Everyone else turned up for support and congratulated me. I kinda expected that of her.
Fast forward to 2007. She missed my pre-wedding party. Everyone else was present. She even missed my bride's side wedding dinner reception when everyone else turned up. Her daughter gave me a gift from her with a note: "Please sms me your email address because I want to email you"
I texted her not once but twice with my email address but she never replied to any of my sms, and no email from her. I AM STILL WAITING FOR THE EMAIL.
Then she missed my actual wedding day, she never met my husband. Before that, she even had the cheek to tell me with a grin that she won't have to give me the tea ceremony red packet (hongbao) because she won't be there while the rest of my elders will be there. It was like a blade piercing and turning left and right in my heart.
My first wedding anniversary came and went, no emails from her, it was as if I was never promised an email. Then I returned home for my first Chinese New Year as a married daughter for the clan -- I visited her house and she didn't know how to address my husband, she didn't bother to find out his name before this. "A... ha mang (who).. What's his name?" I doubt even after we told her his name, she'd not remember now if we are to ask her who I married, her very own flesh and blood.
On my third wedding anniversary, I felt like wanting to call her or even text her to tell her of how I feel, but held back. I even told a cousin about it but my cousin put it as her being busy with her career.
The 5-year-old is still waiting.
The 8-year-old is still waiting.
The 13-year-old is still hurting with humiliation.
The 15-year-old is still hoping she'll help and at least remember the 'sacrifice' she made just before her exam to attend her wedding.. the many hours she put in to help with wrapping up the tokens for the wedding at home instead of revising for her exam. Of course she forgot.
The graduate who's still waiting for her presence.
The engaged girl who is waiting for her attendance at her engagement.
The betrothed girl who is waiting she would at least turn up at the many receptions of her wedding.
The married woman who is now past 30 and bearing the disappointment that half her life has gone by and she's not there.
I need you to know how much I am hurting just knowing you do not care.
If you care, you would talk to me like an adult and not expect my mother to do all the message passing.
This is my blog and this is my diary. And this is open. I am not naming any names, and you cannot sue me for libel or slander as there isn't any connotation or identification of your identity anywhere. I just need to get this off my chest or else I will go crazy just thinking of where did I go wrong in this relationship. I am deeply saddened. It felt like my heart is crushed again and again while trying to maintain some hope you would somehow be close to me.
This will be the only blog post on you. I decide to let you go and forgive you (not completely as the hurt is too deep) to allow myself to give myself a break. I've lived with this 'burden' for as long as I could remember.
But you have a right to know. Hence I'm posting this. Thank you for reading this.
xoxo Su Yii (you always spell my name without the 'e' in your gifts and cards to me when I was small).
I was going through the books that survived many house-moving from across the South China Sea and travelled the thousands of kilometres over and over again. Five years back, when I was still in my 20s, I could not bear the thought of giving up the books that I bought with my savings (as a student) and read over and over again. Okay, repeatedly, shouldn't overuse 'over and over' here.. but that's exactly what I did more than a decade ago.
More than 10 years have passed and now, I finally could let go and bid my Sweet Valley High, Sweet Valley University series and novels goodbye. Dropped them at the recycling and donation bin near my parents' place in Kuala Lumpur today.
Initially, I wanted to keep some of them (or maybe all of them) for my younger cousins who are still in their mid-teens.. maybe for my eldest goddaughter who'll be 10 this year.. but then again, it's better to give away to those who are nearer to me geographically and even though I do not know who will be reading them, I sure hope they will bring reading pleasure to many teens or young and old adults if they do get hold of them.
Goodbye Sweet Valley and countless of other girly novels. I've moved on.
It's more of a relief than anything else. I'm actually glad I'm older now. How simplistic were the mindset of the younger girls (I was one of them) and I could not help but shake my head as I read through the synopsis and the back cover and flip through the yellowed pages. Anyway, Sweet Valley represents my teens and early adulthood, SWEET as it is, life has never been better and I'm sure it will only get better from now on.. like old wine. :)
Happy Valentine's Everyone, and Happy belated Lunar New Year to all those celebrating.
I seriously think it's time to let go of some of the things on my plate to fully live my life.
Who matters most in your life? For some, your career, for others, your family, love, children, parents, spouse, philantrophic activities, your belief, a cause you've pledged to, for each individual they vary. But I do know what is most important to me: MY FAMILIES.. why the plural?
1. My in-laws, my husband's siblings, my husband's clan - they are considered a separate family. And I do love them, after two years of marriage, I have embraced them as my family, not integrated with my own, the family I was born into is totally different from them, but when I'm with them I feel at home, and I am comfortable enough.
2. My own family, the family who gave life to me and raised me and the whole clan who cared about me up to my wedding day in 2007. Heck, my clan on my mother's side even flew all the way across the miles and over the South China Sea out of their own expenses to 'accompany the bride' into her 'new family' - Asian Chinese are like that, very closely-knitted, especially the traditional families.
3. My own unit cell- my family - my husband. We've been trying to make our nuclear family into three or maybe four for two years now. Taking one day at a time, and trying to adopt the come-what-may-approach. I love him in a way I have never loved anyone before, and there are times when I look at him and still pause in wonder at how love works in life. He's not my first love, but I would say he's my first MATURE love, and I find myself loving him more and more everyday, corny yeah.. but true love is overrated. Each love at each stage of your life, they are Real, true love, cos you believe it was true at that point in life, just the level of maturity could be different?
4. My friends - who are as close as you can get, to your real family. My god-daughters, they belong to my good friend whom I have known since I started primary (elementary) school. Audrey's girls look a bit like me that when I post their pix up on facebook or previously on friendster, people thought I have two girls of my own! :-D I have good girlfriends too and I love catching up with them.. but catching up is a luxury I can hardly afford nowadays.. too pressed for time!
REACHED THE LIMIT
I knew I've pushed the limit when I had to postpone a 'catching-up' session with a girl friend not ONCE but TWICE due to other commitments, the commitment you call work and other after work activities.
I reflected and seriously think I'm trying to spread myself too thin and enough is enough. Cramming too many things into 24 hours certainly has worked up to this point but I am actually at the tipping point.. I can see I'm slowly losing the balance and I need to remove many things in the form of commitment from my life.
Simple is good. Simplicity can NEVER be overrated. So I have made up my mind, clear and simple. I'm good, and I'm loving life.
Here's to a final month reflection of my whole 2009 before my birthday in October. Happy early birthday to me.
Meddling in too many blogs at one time, I've neglected this site which is supposed to be a mirror image of my friendster blog.
Anyway, on second thoughts, it can be a different blog altogether, just that they share the same name.
Viva blogging!
EDIT: June 28, 2012 - Friendster has since closed the blogs without prior warning to friendster members. I lost all my precious blog posts that spanned from 2005-2009. I felt like a bit of my life was taken away from me without any warning. Anyway, let's hope blogger will survive the test of time.
