UPDATE ON ABBY

JULY 4, 2015 (continuation from earlier blog post http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2015/06/mid-year-crisis.html)

Today (July 3) is a glorious day ... after 10 nights in ICU (and the earlier 2 nights in a private hospital) our sister Abby is finally transferred out from ICU to a normal ward.

As she had fasciotomy performed to save her limb (left arm), her entire arm is of no use at the moment.. the doctor has not ascertained the exact extent of the dead muscles but we are told she still has enough muscles left to regain most use of her left arm, if not 100%... the road ahead will be a slow and painful one for her as she struggle with relearning how to move and use her left arm. She can barely clench her fingers now and she cannot unflex her grasp without the help of her right hand.

She still needs to be hospitalised as the doctor needed to perform further operations on her and they are leaving the wound open, mostly unstitched as that is usually what fasciotomy is and it shall be a few more weeks for her at the hospital and then some more weeks of medical leave until she is fit enough to go back to work.. driving will be a problem.. but she shall have us by her side at every juncture of the journey.

We are thankful for all prayers and well wishes from all. We truly are grateful and glad we still have Abby with us and most importantly she is going to live to celebrate her 30th birthday in August.

Her internal organs are out of danger (hence the transfer out from ICU) and her blood levels are back to normal, well, almost normal.

And yes.. her initial diagnosis was dengue fever which she has contracted the second time in 6 years and neither of the remedies worked... not papaya leaf juice.. young papaya fruit sap.. crabs soup and flesh... not frog with bitter gourd.. not this not that.. we have literally tried everything up till her platlets dropped to below critical to dangerously low below 15.

What helped were constant blood transfusion alternating with platelet transfusions and lots of prayer and positive thoughts sent her way. She was drifting in and out of consciousness as her organs were under attack, especially her liver, which caused her blood to not be like us normal people hence causing compartment syndrome.

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/2058838-overview

If you see the link above.. it must be performed within 6 hours of it happening yet Abby only had it done after 2 days as her blood works were not good enough for surgery or else she will risk excessive bleeding to death. Hence the death of her muscles. She is very lucky in the sense that they didn't have to sacrifice her arm in order to save her life, i.e. amputation after allowing the arm to die. She saw the scar this morning when they were doing dressing and it was depressing  but she quickly forced herself to accept the scar and the still open wound as part of her now. We are so proud of how brave she is.

Doctors said her condition was very critical where mortality rate is high especially with an almost definite mortality for the very young or very old... and we were right to fear her death. She fought and won and for that we are truly thankful.

If she is to get dengue the third time it will be even more dangerous. She is renting with her husband at a landed property, single storey terrace house now. My parents are persuading them to move to higher floors, i.e. condominiums when she is discharged but we shall cross the bridge when we come there.

Her husband also contracted dengue at the same time and recovered quickly within a week with lots of 100Plus and rest at home. No need for the remedies, etc. We were quite taken aback by some well wishes who vehemently preached certain remedies and implied that our mother had not tried hard enough to save her. God knows how much we tried and to what extent our dear mother has tried for her youngest daughter to the extent of begging for the ingredients from the gardens of strangers.

At our most worrying and trying times, it got too much for our parents to even answer phone calls or reply to messages on whatsapp or even meet and talk with another person... each time they relate to an individual about our sister's condition, they will be sad and tears tend to fall.. imagine you have 100 enquiries and you need to cry 100 times... it was really emotionally taxing.. if your queries went unanswered during that period, we are truly sorry but for our sanity and to keep things together... we needed to shut out the world for awhile.

With Abby's life out of danger now, our family can now sleep soundly for the first time in nearly 2 weeks.

AGAIN, THANK YOU for your support and we believe every prayer counts in her recovery. With every worst scenario that was presented to us, many u-turns were provided that somehow our sister managed to scrap through with the slightest margin.. and we were met with much kindness, many sympathetic nurses and doctors, much support from every one, most who have never known Abby personally and many who donated blood to replenish the hospital's blood bank for the general good, and the many prayers and well wishes from everyone whom we may not be able to name one by one... from the bottom of our hearts.. thank you. We saw the true human spirit and have not lost hope with humanity. We are truly blessed. Thank you for the help and prayers rendered from people from multiracial and multireligious backgrounds or denominations. We saw religious tolerance at its best when it is a matter of life and death.

THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR HUMANITY.

THANK YOU.

p/s- Aedes mosquito breeding grounds must be eliminated... Dengue is very real and it really can kill.

I would not wish this upon anyone or for any family to go through the grief or heartache of this illness.. And there is still no medicine for this. Forget the traditional remedies.. seek treatment from the government hospital immediately and get your blood tests done. My sister was initially rejected a blood test from a 24 hour clinic near our are in Setapak, we are still contemplating if we should pursue further action with that clinic with two very sarcastic locum doctors (visited twice in two consecutive evenings). Go straight to a hospital if you display the symptoms of dengue which may include high or low grade fever with extreme pain on your bones and joints and a terrible splitting headache and lethargy.

May all beings be well and happy.

Sabbe Satta Bhavantu Sukhitatha.

MID YEAR CRISIS

Our family is currently (June 2015) in the midst of a crisis.. our youngest sister is critically ill and has been admitted into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) and her condition has worsened since her first admission only days before.

There is no medicines for her condition and the only thing the medical team can do is to take her blood for testing to monitor the level of her blood and as of now her liver is at high risk for liver failure (worst case scenario) or other complications to her internal organs.. you don't get admitted into ICU if it is not critical so that is the gravity of the situation.

If you are reading this... I humbly plea for a short prayer for my sister Abby so that she may be granted with the strength to be able to fight and get well soon.

She has just gotten married 6 months ago and has only started out in life. And the prospect of losing my baby sister is a daunting one.

Watching my parents emotionally collapse when her condition deteriorated yesterday, I steeled myself up inside. I had to be strong. I will be no use if I falter now.

The first day she was transferred from a private hospital into the ambulance to the emergency of the government hospital where they are better equipped and better trained to deal with severe critical cases like hers, we did not think she would be so... we were very optimistic that she will get well soon.

Only 2 months ago when my parents were out of town and her husband was outstation for work training, she called me for help as she was terribly unwell and I handled her hospitalisation and visited her daily, lunch and dinner and finally her husband returned and took over and she got over it. This time round... instead of showing signs of recovery... she has consistently deteriorated.. with each 6 hourly blood test we are beside ourselves.. nervously waiting for the latest results.

TRADITIONAL REMEDIES
Friends have shown concerned and asked for updates. For that we are thankful.
Some are helpful and offered advices and remedies which our dear mother religiously gathered the ingredients to the extent of begging from the gardens of strangers.. our mother, bless her heart, got them all and each meal.. breakfast.. lunch.. dinner...she brings over to my sister with the boiled remedies with hope she can take a few sips and keep them down and not vomit them all out... my sister can hardly keep her liquid or food down and for her not to vomit anything ingested is a small victory each time.

ALONE TIME
Since my sister is in good hands in ICU and her husband is at her side, I dragged myself to the gym at which we are both enrolled in. The picture is her hairband which I carried with me when she needed us to keep her stuff for her as there are no spaces to store your belongings at the ICU. I wore her band as if it was like the old times when we work out at the gym. The concerned ladies coaches asked about Abby.. and all of them sent their best regards to her and wish her speedy recovery... one initiated the process of holding her membership for a month so she would not be charged. Bless their heart.

HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?
I always find it easier to write out my thoughts to sort them out and put things in perspective.

Friends have been asking how am I holding up. My husband has been asking if I am okay.

Honestly I feel numb... it all felt so surreal.
A routine visit to my sister's ward at a normal ward turned out to be critical and the ambulance rush.. the siren... the emergency department.. staying at emergency department for some 7 hours waited another 2 hours before I was truly sure that her condition is well taken care of by the nurses at ICU... sleeping at 3am and waking up hours later to play with my son cos I felt guilty for not kissing him goodnight... and more hospital visits.. and finally today where I have yet to visit my sister.

It is sort of like 2012 when a routine visit to the hospital with my late mother in law saw her being detained in emergency department for hours while a bed is being cleared for her... it is like a similar roller coaster ride only at a different time and with different fellow riders.

Tears have not come yet. Fears that crop up are being brushed aside and suppressed each time they surface. I guess my defence mechanism is kicking in full gear.. denial stage.. I cannot cry, I gotta be strong, I need to harden up myself. I find myself doing it all over again... with my mother in law...and now with my sister.

Let there be healing for my sister... and also all who may be critically ill now
I only have one sister and I really hope she can fight and get through this....
Who cares about the details when you are lying down in ICU and critically ill with the numbers deteriorating with each test...
may what should be up is up and what should be down is down in all her results.

WE SHALL UPDATE AS AND WHEN WE SEE FIT AS IT IS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER FOR US AS A FAMILY. WE APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN BUT PRAYERS AND POSITIVE VIBES SENT TO OUR SISTER ABBY is more apt in situation like this than questions about the details. The numbers are changing as we are speaking so the general aim now is for her to get well. I believe in the power of prayer and collective positive mental energy channeled to the sick.

There is no meds and it is up to her to fight it.

Year End Post

It is the last month of 2014.

As usual, a nostalgic post.

Or maybe a reflective one.

Or maybe just another rambling post as usual.

Now, I have got many 'usuals' that is rather confusing isn't it?

ONE THING which hasn't been 'usual' lately is posting on this blog.

I would like to say I have been busy. But then again, like exercise, busy isn't a good excuse and not blogging isn't really excusable if I wanna call myself a blogger isn't it?

2015 is dawning.

Made a resolution to start a book on my late Mother-In-Law (MIL) when she passed in 2013, yes I started on that. It is still a work in progress... the emotions are still raw when the pages are flying... when I typed. Tears and chuckles as I relived those moments and putting them into words.

Made a resolution in 2013 when I had my son to quit putting so much emphasis on my career and focus more on my family, yes, I did... for awhile, and now I am guilty of putting more emphasis on my career now that he is nearly 2.

Made a resolution early 2014 to work out more... that is a failure. However, I have been walking a lot and usually walk minimum 5000-10,000 steps a day depending on the day.

In my mid-30s now, and life has been kind so far. Perhaps I am more mellow and less demanding, all in the mind, I guess.

Lost many good souls this year including my godfather... and a dear friend, and accompanied the last journey of a friend's dad... and the impending death of a dear family friend... and news of death of little ones as well, one known to a personal friend of mine.. life is just so so short... too brief, too fleeting. This year has seen me trying to make my mark, trying to make a difference knowing just how limited the years we have on Earth, some called me bold because I made some rash but necessary decisions, but so far no regrets. I don't mull over my own decisions.

But I am still learning how to let go of some past wrongs done to me, I am only human, it may take years to forgive and more years to forget.. my heart is still hurting and the memories still fresh, so pardon my being weak in the flesh in my human form as I still bear some serious grudges. May take some time for me to be Enlightened to truly let go of these human traits.

At the end of the day, no amount of money is ever going to be enough without one precious thing = Contentment. No life is going to be complete without one thing = Love.  No one is ever going to be truly happy without joy of giving and being truly happy for others without feeling bitter or jealous. Saintly words? Saints were humans like you and me too. Enough of wars and conflict and also ridiculous politics campaigning for the trivial issues while neglecting the real issues in this world. We need more WORLD PEACE and ditch the feeling of superiority over another living being.
 
So another year has gone. We shall see how next year will be. As long as we are still breathing, life is good, the best has yet to come. If I don't post till next year, have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year 2015.

p/s - Heck I just realised I have a tag/label called year end registered.. so this is really a yearly blog post come every year end. Enjoy the rest of 2014 everyone. *Peace*

AFTER AWHILE

After awhile,
Time heals,
Hearts may soften,
But some harden,
Minds are fixed,
Memories distorted,
All seen through rosy lenses,
Or perhaps still buried in bitterness,
Seeing things through a tinted blurry window pane.

After awhile,
Why peace still eludes the world?
Senseless destruction
of humankind and nature
Warped thinking
Bent on twisted mindset
Still...


After awhile,
Does it matter?
Yes, then do something about it.
No, then say nothing about it.
Enough negativity in the world...

After awhile,
Some lose
Some win
Some gain
Some let go
Others indifferent
Some care till the end.

After awhile,
Children grow,
People age,
Some pass on,
Life goes on.

~ Been awhile... Sue Sept 11, 2014

Life and how things don't really turn out the way you wish/hope/planned, only better.

I have always dreamed of having a little girl. Heck, I even have two goddaughters, starting from 2011 when I was in my 20s, I love my little girls to bits, they are now in their early teen years and just so fate would have it, this year, 2014 my youngest goddaughter Zahraa is born in June, sharing this precious little pink bundle of sweetness with her parents is truly a blessing. So now I have 3 goddaughters.

So I guess life thinks I have got enough little girls to add colour to my life. And so we got a little boy of our own, our precious little boy born earlier last year, 2013... a complete surprise but a wonderful addition to our life.

When we were told we were having a boy, I will be lying if I say I was not a little bit disappointed. I have always wanted a little girl before I became a mother. SORRY SON, if you are reading this when you could read a few years down the line, please continue reading, come on. I love you son.

Gone were my dreams to wear my little girl in pretty nice dresses and with laces and frills and tie up her hair in cute ponytails or braid them, and wear matching outfit with my girl when we go out and feel so proud I have a mini me. Okay, now that I put it this way, it seems like my dream of having a little girl is purely for self-gratification to doll her up and to stroke my ego/pride, hahaha.

However, now that I don't have a little girl, I have found that having a little boy is a totally different wonderful experience that I have never even given a thought in most of my life up till 2013.

Sure, there is one extra stuff to take care of when you change the diaper, and the diaper rash can or cannot be worse than a little girl's, babies stuff aside... now that our little boy is a toddler and hitting his milestones... it is the little stuff that makes me smile and chuckle everyday.

Our son has this thing for wheels since he could sit up steadily by 6 months and would point at moving blades like fans and would use his finger pointer to move any wheels, be it luggage wheels stroller wheels, his miniature car/toy wheels, any wheel, he will be fascinated.

The moment he could master some vocals, he started making boom boom, ggggnggg ggnnggg sound from his throat. And now at 16 and a half months, he finally learns the proper raspberry pout with his lips and makes the brrrrrrrrrrr, engine revving sounds and it doesn't stop there, he will take anything and pretend it is steering wheel and turn, and when there is nothing for him to get hold off, he will clasp his fingers together and started turning his hands like they are wheels and 'pretend drive'. 16 freaking months old... and he cannot converse yet with his limited vocabulary but gggggnggg ggggng has been in his vocab since like he could respond to us, lol. He loves that word more than mama or papa!

And the brooooooom broooom doesn't stop there. We take baths together, I will be beside him while he plays with his cup and duckies and he will be making the revving sounds, entertaining himself while the shower sprinkles down. He splashes the water everywhere in bath, so it figures to take bath together because I will be wet anyway. Baths aside, and yes hubby and I both agree there is nothing to be ashamed of by the natural state of our birthsuits, our little boy is growing up fine and he has his preferences and gets all excited when his fav cartoon Rory the racing car is on... wheeels aside, he loves Olive the Ostritch and Fifi and the Flowertops as well, so I guess he is an all-rounder, or at least I hope he will be!

It is a delight to dress him up too!
After much searching, and boys outfit unfortunately are not as extensive as a girl's wardrobe... so it really was a much more gratifying success when I finally found nice outfits for my boy.

And yes, we can dress up in the same colour scheme and pose for pix. Our boy is quite the camera pleaser after 'the training' in front of the camera that he went through - crazy mama (me) snapped thousands of photos in his first months on Earth and yes it has slowed down to maybe a hundred pix or so a month now haha.

It is a delight to watch what new stuff he unleashes each day... he teaches us both to be better parents if we both listen and respond to his needs instead of vice versa. Patience is a virtue, yes, but patience can really save your life and sanity, we cannot rush things with our little ones, all in due time, and they will flourish when it is time, like a flower is supposed to be in bloom.

I guess we are in a comfortable relaxed environment now, just the three of us. I cannot imagine how life will be without our son, the laughter and cackles, how he grins and behaves playfully when he knows he did something funny and we are trying not to laugh. Even when we do get the rare night off for date night, both hubby and I would be talking about him and what he will say or do at the little things we stumble upon and when we finally picked him up, we are missing him more than ever... and he missing us. He knows we are his parents and he is our little boy. Nothing can change that.

A little girl suddenly appearing now as an addition into our family of three? hmm.... I won't say yes right away but I also won't say no. COME WHAT MAY... what will be, will be.

Even if we don't get a baby sister for our son, we are already complete as a family with his birth. Not to say another baby will not be as important or anything, a sibling will be a welcome addition in the family and love knows no bounds, so it will be a nice 'extension' of love and everything nice in life. And I don't support the notion of males being the more 'superior' gender and all, so I am gonna make sure our son never treats a female with anything but respect.

We love you so much baby boy, hugs and kisses. Thank you for coming into our lives and bringing us so much joys in ways we never imagined life would give us.

Love, Mama and Papa
June 30, 2014.

NOTE: *We have our baby son after nearly 6 years of marriage*

First year death anniversary

19.03.2013 was when you left us when your youngest grandson was exactly 30 days old.

A year has passed, you are deeply missed and fondly remembered by those you left behind. 

While Fate may seem like playing a cruel joke on us, taking away a loved one just after we got our son... It serves as a lesson in life for us, one year on, we could see what lesson Fate was trying to impart to us.

A somber reminder of the fleeting nature of life. With birth there is death. With joy there is sadness. With every gain there is a loss. That's the balance of nature. Life....

 

RIP mommy. My only mother-in-law.

Repair work after Fire

A month after the fire, insurance company gave the greenlight for repair work to start...  a month of being rendered homeless, we've got a house yet we cannot stay there, pending repair.

Anyway we need to pay the contractor first out of our own pockets, pending insurance disbursement of the money.  Pix taken the night before real work starts. Smaller stuff are mostly moved to my cousin's house where her spare room is now full of our stuff. Bigger stuff like furniture are stacked up together and covered like this to prevent dust from landing on them.

We should be moving back into our home sweet home by Easter. Can't wait.

Full fire story a few blogposts back.

Lose, Loss, Losing, Lost

Standing here alone in an empty house where things are half packed into boxes and the walls and ceilings are still half or mostly still covered in soot after the fire on Feb 3, Monday early morning at dawn 5-6am... Today is Friday, Day 5 after the fire....

Standing here from the position of where only a year ago my Late mother-in-law was resting daily in her lazy chair when she was stricken with end-stage cancer, looking at her photograph staring back at me nearly did it for me. I felt like curling into a ball on this soot-covered floor and cry like a baby.

At that time, when we gained a baby boy, our precious son, 30 days later we lost the matriarch (hubby's mother) in Lee family. We lose the closest link to my husband's family. Things were never the same after that.

After this fire, it was as if we were shook to our very core to bring us back to reality. Hubby said he felt as if the cloud just disappeared and he could see now.

Another thing that caught our attention was how the smoke went around this Buddha image stuck on the wall.

This is the same Buddha image that our late mommy prayed to daily when she couldn't move when her cancer ate away her mobility as well. Perhaps her energy was still there, protecting us, protecting our small family. Perhaps holy images/items are really blessed and through this fire incident, we could see how blessed we were, whatever religion you are professing, holy items are truly blessed. An inch away from many more destruction or even loss of life... We were and are truly blessed. 

Gotta keep that in mind so I won't be losing my mind in dealing with being rendered homeless for at least a month... The electricity still trips (whole house shut down) when we try to use some power socket/point... This is not a safe place for residence until stuff are repaired... Waiting for insurance approval now....

Anyway, not gonna end this on a somber note. It is still the first two weeks of the New Lunar Year of the Horse. 

Instead of mulling on things we are losing or have lost... We should remind ourselves of our blessings... Thankful for just being alive.

Life indeed is blessed for everyone because just being able to breathe is a blessing in itself. Thank you.

May everyone be blessed with peace, good health and joy.

CLICK HERE FOR THE FIRE STORY

Fire at Home - Sharing from Malaysia

Sharing some sort like a diary/journal of our experience with fire at home on Feb 3, 2014, the fire broke at dawn, 5-6am.

Two hours plus after the 6am fire at 8something am... Returned home and saw my mobile phone survived and started sending out messages to loved ones and family/friends:

Feb 3, 2014 - Monday. 4th day of CNY

FIRST UPDATE:

Fire early in the morning at our home. We are saved by the baby crying. Siang put out the fire at living room faulty electrical point. Bomba (firemen) came n went. Today will be busy lodge police report n making insurance claim. Luckily we have baby Ray who woke us up....

THEN....

Tentatively, for the cause, the fire department determined it is an old faulty socket/electrical plug point. Our house is bought second hand... 

And please all of us make it a point to install a fire extinguisher and also a smoke detector alarm because not everyone has a baby like Ray to wake them up... Most people die not because of the burning fire but the smoke that knock them unconscious....

UPDATE Feb 3, 2014, 10++pm....Malaysian time:

14 hours plus have passed since 6am this morning. We are like in a daze... Like we are walking in our dream... We had a fire at our home?!?

Been to police station, been to the fire department and will need to return tomorrow, need to settle insurance claim tomorrow, cleaning has not even started since we are NOT supposed to clean till the insurance adjusters come to assess the damages so we cannot sleep or stay at our soot-covered home for at least a few days... At my mom's home now, all three of us safe and sound. Maid was with my mom in Borneo for CNY and they just touched down in KL today. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE CONCERN AND WELL WISHES ON FB, pm, whatsapp, SMS, phone call to me and my family. We are truly touched. If it wasn't for baby Ray's cry and scream, we would not be alive...if it was just a few more seconds later, Our only exit out would be blocked... If it was just a few minutes more our three homes (including two neighbours' family) only exit would be blocked... If, if, if... We are truly blessed by the guardian angels and our little angel in the form of our son Ray. Our faces were all covered in soot, like we were just out from a coal mining cave or something... Ray was a champ and did not make any fuss the whole two hours we were downstairs while papa was upstairs putting out the fire and then making sure it doesn't continue... Papa (Siang) wanted to follow us out after we thought the fire was put out but then another stuff caught fire and he asked us to leave first... The security guard was very responsive and took good care of me and Ray in their rest room and the comfy sofa they offered to us... They offered us their walkie so we could communicate, us on ground zero and Siang on level 11... Been a really LONG day... 14 hours have passed, we are relatively unscathed and still dazed. Thank you all. 

We are truly grateful to be still breathing. Hugs.

Third Update (3-4am the next day after the fire):

Relatively unscathed. We still plan to go ahead and celebrate Ray's bday anyway cos life is worth celebrating!

And awake at this hour indicates a post traumatic stress of some sort for me I guess, and every single noise Ray makes woke me up now.. Talk about paranoia....

Anyway, it is 5am now and I better try to continue my zzz. Baby Ray has been having disturbed sleep tonight with at least once awakening each hour... I guess we are all having some sort of a trauma. Checks at the emergency department at a hospital nearby ruled out serious injuries/illness and we are supposed to be observing ourselves especially baby Ray for the symptoms of nausea, vomiting and coughing which are common symptoms after smoke inhalation in fire.

Things we learned in this short less than 24 hours, GOOD TO SHARE:

1. Invest in a smoke detector alarm, a couple hundred of Ringgit can save your life.

2. Invest in a fire extinguisher and make sure the fire extinguisher isn't past its expiry date. Not everyone has a lucky star in the form of our little angel Ray.

3. Do not stop and think to stop to save any material possessions when the fire is spreading. Every second counts between life and death. Make sure you go to sleep decent so you won't have to run out of your house naked. Seriously. No bra is still ok as long as you are covered by something besides a blanket.

When we were rudely awakened and overwhelmed by the smoke, hubby turned on the lights and we COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING THROUGH THE SMOKE. 

Lucky for us we were all conscious and Could hear the baby crying and voice which led me to him and I estimated his location and scooped him up in my arms and ran out past the burning fire out from our front door... A few seconds later might be a few seconds later too late. 

Of course 1001 things ran through my mind... What about my son's birth certificate and documents, what about my mobile phone to inform my family, what about this what about that... 

What about my son's formula milk and bottles, trust me, they all ran through my mind in that split second but my feet had a life of their own and took off with my baby in my arms. 

A mother's survival instinct or a human's survival instinct In a life and death situation. Hubby did what he could to prevent the fire from spreading and stayed back and asked us to seek help from the security guards at the condo/apartment guard post. That was the hardest decision for me to leave him alone in a smoke-filled house but what needs to be done needs to be done and off we went downstairs and was separated for nearly 2 hours until things cooled down, literally.

4. After the fire, don't clean up the mess. Two or three parties need to visit the site and take pictures for evidence for insurance claims/police/fire department report. Hotel stays are eligible for claims. We are putting up at my mother's place as I am typing this, thank goodness for family close by.

5. Make sure you renew your fire insurance. Shit happens, fire happens.

6. Practice safe electricity usage at home. Credits to Chan Chun Wai, my former student from public relations class for sharing this tip from among my over 120 comments on fb within 24 hours of the incident:

thanks god u n' ur family is safe.

some electrical tips to share around ppl here:

1) a single plug point is support up to 13amp current, around 3120 watts (+-10%)

2) don't attach multiple power strips (a.k.a extension) to a single plug point and run it with concurrently with high power consumption devices. Btw, power strip nowaday has very bad internal connection even it's NEW. 

3) even you have several plug points on the same wall, they might be connected parallelly to a same circuit breaker, which is support up to 20amp current, around 4800 watts max theoritically (it still depends on the thickness of the wire buried in the wall).

4) some plug points MAY NOT be properly installed or loose due to age (e.g: wire loose with the contact point), bad contact results plug point melting or spark may comes out. The burn mark gives you signal to replace it asap.

5) some electrical devices imported from China without SIRIM approval are not that safe to be used in Malaysia because they are designed to fit 220v voltage. (Malaysia adapt 240 voltage with +-10% tolerance)

6) etc, can't recall others.

End of Quote

7. Please don't use water or wet cloth to clean your house after fire. Clear the soot (uppermost layer of black ash/dirt) with a dry lint cloth or something or DRY clean them... Water makes them harder to clean if the soot is still there. For other smaller articles, soak them in washing detergent or even dish washer for one day and one night according to the internet resources we looked up in our dazed mode cos we were just too overwhelmed to see the damages/dirt/debris etc. For the skin... Hmmm this is after three times of washing with normal soap, my soot covered baby after 3 times of washing... 

And this is him already washed and changed into new clothes. You need to scrub and wash more than 3 times to regain your original skin complexion, that's for sure. Normal soap will do. I find that cheaper soap the ones in bar does the trick best. More fat components in them I guess, I dunno. Whatever works.

8. Get help. You will need all the help you can. I am glad I reached out and many offered support and words of encouragement and help/assistance. Google is a big help too.

Thank you all. Thanks to The Lord (God/Allah/Lord Buddha/higher Being) the guardian angels and our little angel in the form of our son, we are still a very much alive family.

THANK YOU!!!

Love,

Sue, proud mama of a heroic baby boy and proud wife to an equally heroic and responsible man she calls her husband.

~Truly Glad to be alive....

Update: Two days after the fire...

Feb 5, 2014 - 9am

Extent of damages:

Ceiling and walls needed scraping and repainting. Furniture that are burnt needed to be thrown away. Aquarium cracked and the water from the aquarium actually slowed down the fire, we suspected the fire started maybe at 5am and slowed down due to water from the aquarium, and by the time our house is filled with smoke it was nearly 6am when baby Ray alerted us. By then our lungs and nose and throat are filled with black soot already as we were sleeping.

Some floor tiles needed changing as they were cracked.

My mannequin (only one) for my baby/kids shop was burnt to a charred skeleton. 

Hubby's Targus laptop bag about USD100 was partially burnt, his laptop survived and just needed to replace the charger/adapter, his work data is saved.

The fire missed the flammables by a few cm, maybe one inch away from burning papers, one inch away from burning more fabrics (kain), one inch away from burning the baby daytime bed/mattress which will emit more toxic fumes, one inch away from many many things that will render us trapped in our own house... It was really a matter of IF it was a few Seconds more, we would not be alive today. We were truly blessed, we feel truly blessed and we truly believe our little family is blessed. 

Visiting the fire scene (we are staying at my mother's house for the time being), we looked through the place and saw how close, just HOW CLOSE IT WAS and things could be much worse if things continue for a few more seconds, Thank you to all the external forces and our good graces and baby Ray our little angel and all the unseen guardian angels at work. 

Insurance claim has been submitted, but we were told they only cover fittings and immovable objects and other stuff like furniture and appliances and belongings are considered NOT Covered by insurance.. Oh well... it has been a crazy past two days with LITTLE SLEEP as we fill up paperwork, run between the police station, fire department and management office and waiting for people to snap pix of our place, three different photo shoots, many other quotations from external parties needed... We are rendered homeless and cannot move back in for the next 2-4 weeks. Everywhere is still covered in soot/grease/ashes that whenever we visited our home, our nostrils will be black when we bathed later... The smell inside the house is still strong we turned on the Medikleen air steriliser one room at a time as we only had one working one as the rest had their wire/electric cable/plug burnt. 

We can't wait to return home but we can't for the next two weeks to a month... Anyway baby Ray's first birthday is coming up and we already pre booked his party venue so a thanksgiving party it will be, a celebration of live and to celebrate the joy and gratitude of being alive and well. Ray is truly our miracle baby from the beginning. 

Thank you all... We are slowly picking up the pieces now and still staying at my mother's spare room, thank Goodness for family nearby, and thank God for good caring friends.

End of update 9am, Feb 5, 2014, 2 days after the fire.

Update Feb 6, 2014 - finally the paperwork has been done, now we can start cleaning the house but any repair work can only start after insurance claim approval, which takes 14 days to process. We need to stay at my mom's place for at least a month before we can move back in. 

End of update for Feb 6, 2014

Relationship Expiry Date

People say I am too sensitive (as my weakness) and yes I admit it. If I am not sensitive I won't be the caring person that I am and I won't care so much and give so much. 

If they think it is not worth their time to accept that about me and wanna keep their distance then by all means do so. I have learned to desensitise myself from people who drifted too far away from my life over the years. 

A clap takes both hands to work. I am just tired. And it still hurts each time a clap doesn't work and I have to let go but the hurt dulls after awhile.

Some relationships really do have an expiry date. Sometimes when a bridge doesn't work, a construction is due for a wall.

Missing Someone Who Will Never Come Back

A breath away is not far to where you are....

I miss my late mother-in-law.

I really miss her now even when I am typing this alone in the living room while hubby is in the bedroom with our son... I miss her a lot.

I haven't really cried after she passed away. I actually have no regrets because I did my best for her and said all that I wanted to say... but I really miss her. I miss her it hurts so much everytime our boy cries and I wonder if it was his tummy hurting or his ear hurting, I wanted to call mommy and ask and I realised she is no longer here. When I saw how our life feels so empty because we are lacking that every two or three days phone call to mommy and say Hello to her in a sing-song manner.

I miss her belly laugh and how cheerful she seems whenever we talk, knowing very well we brought her happiness in her final years... I have no regrets I decided to hold on and started my mission to learn to love her, ... I have since truly loved another mother who isn't my own mother from the bottom of my heart, I deeply miss her.. the screen is blur now due to my tears... gosh, I miss mommy so much....

She will never see our son grow up. She will never see him take his first step, she will never hear him call her po po. If we have more children after our firstborn, she will never know... or maybe she knows from up there in Heaven because that is where she should be. With a heart that big, always selfless, she must be in Heaven now. Maybe she is polishing the Heaven's gates because she always said she will fall asleep if she just sit still doing nothing.

My birthday is coming soon... mommy celebrated my birthday three times with me last year... it was as if she knew she could not spend time with me anymore after last year, 2012.... she made longetivity noodles and cooked two eggs she dyed red for good luck and prosperity for me during my Chinese Lunar Birthday, then we had a great Karaoke dinner in a private room where she kissed me and gamely posed again for my sister to catch the kiss on replay... then on my actual birthday early October we had dinner with Pei in Kuching where we sought treatment for her tumours... three times, not once did we talk about death or dying... it wasn't until November when I was on unpaid leave, all alone with mommy that she asked me if she was really dying.

I still remembered what I told her... I answered yes to that but when she asked me how much longer she has, I replied that not even the doctor could predict because if the doctor said a few months but she could live a few years then the doctor is lying, and if the doctor said a few years but then she passed away in a few months, then the doctor is lying as well. I kept telling her to be positive and everything will be okay in the end. From May 2012 of final stage cancer... she only passed away on March 19, 2013, 10 months of surviving final stage cancer. She is one strong fighter, our mommy. Just in time for our son to celebrate his 30th day full moon day... mommy's passing away anniversary will always be our son's age minus 30 days.

Mommy, wherever you are, your spirit lives on in us... I shall tell my son about you and what a great grandmother you are, an ordinary woman with great achievements in human values.

I miss you, and I still love you, my only mother-in-law.

xoxo
Sue

Pix of mommy making her famous yong to fu for one last time before she was too weak to stand up in 2012 *miss her and her cooking and everything about her*

30 DAYS... THE BEGINNING AND THE END

Little Things That Matter

It is the little stuff that matters in the end. 

Don't sweat the small stuff because at the end of the day they will become bigger than you'll ever know without you having to do any worrying. 

We remember people who have passed on because of the little things and little stuff that got stuck in memory. Today I was reminded of another memory of you, mommy, because of these tomato cherries. 

I was walking down the aisle of the supermarket searching for the ingredients to make salad for Sunday lunch and then I spotted the tomato cherries. In a flash, I remembered what you told me about picking these red round ones, mommy. Thanks for the lesson I will never forget, little things like how to select the sweetest cherries and avoid the sour ones.

You are sorely missed nearly four months on... The best mother-in-law one can ever hope for. RIP.

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/30-days.html

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/09/spending-last-moments-together.html

Feeling Emo

Long post ahead...

It has been quite some time since I last played any games on my iPhone or facebook, before Candy Crush became the craze for (almost) everyone.

Back when my late mom in law (MiL) was still alive and then diagnosed with final stage cancer, I was a regular in some Zynga games on mobile, and actually had some 'regular' game partners called 90tomh and worshipdrummer. Then I quit to attend to more pressing matters at home since my MiL stayed with us in her final days and left a message in our last game, to which worshipdrummer replied, giving me comforting words.

Now more than 200 days later, much have happened after my MiL passed away, had a baby boy, then attended my MiL's funeral, etc. then I checked out those games again and saw that it has been more than 200 days.

I checked back 11 days later and the game requests were still unanswered, I guess they too have moved on and dumped the game.

Some things can never be the same as time goes on. 

The only constant is change. This made me very emotional when I think about it. My baby will be a little boy soon and by the time he enters primary (elementary) school I will be 40. You can never return to all the 'good old times', that's why they inserted the word 'old' in everything nice and fine.

Am I scared of old age? A little... I will be lying if I say no. Am I afraid of death? Yes, sudden death especially, I wish to have some time to prepare myself and plan my 'exit' from this life.

It is the start of the 14th week for my darling son. He just turned exactly 3 months old last week, according to the calendar month. I was just looking at his newborn pix and I nearly teared up seeing how small he was back then. He has a little boy face now... I am torn in between wanting to see how he will grow up yet I am sad when I know he is growing and will never be as small and this way anymore. Human dilemma of not sure how to feel.

Guess everyone deal with grief their own way. I guess this is my grief talking. I haven't fully cried out after my MiL passed away as both hubby and me made a promise not to cry near her body. 

Having such precious happiness in my arms now in the form of my son and then losing my MiL seems like a cruel joke played on me by nature. 

I haven't dealt with the sadness or even the anger and frustration of the situation.

Yes I have busied myself with my baby for three full months and I was too tired to even think of anything on a daily basis. I do enjoy my baby tremendously.

But last night, my baby slept through the night and only woke up at 5.30am for his feeding, giving me a good night's sleep... 

As I woke up refreshed...which isn't a bad thing, and then these feelings flooded in, as I am only human. 

All these while fatigue helped me delay facing my grief. 

Now... Sigh. Mommy I hope you are happy where you are now, I know you are at peace now. Know that your youngest son and me don't feel the same without you around the house. We sorely miss you... More than words can say.

- end -

Baked Beans - Love it or Hate it

I have not been a big fan of baked beans for as long as I remember.

I almost hated it, if there is a food I dislike the most it would be it. I am not a fussy eater but there is something about baked beans in ketchup that makes me turn my nose away whenever it is served in meals or when spread over bread. But still I will swallow the portion served on my plate, albeit with inward cringing.

However, in 2012, when I was invited by a nice American family for a meal at their home (Thank you, Lisa and family for that memorable experience), I was served baked beans as part of the meal and I mean it when I said I am not a fussy eater, I took a bite... MAN, the US baked beans are WAY TASTIER THAN THE BAKED BEANS SERVED IN MY COUNTRY!

I even asked my friend Lisa where I can get the canned baked beans and I brought a can home all the way via the long haul flight.

Some pix of 'Bush's Baked Beans', chose the 'vegetarian' version to bring home, beats me why the selection as it was a year ago when we made that purchase in Super Walmart!

I finally made a decent meal with that lone can of baked beans this month, a year later, I added an egg to it for taste and hubby commented, "Why can't our baked beans be as tasty as the US baked beans?" Beats me... I shall make a mental note to bring back canned food in our next trip to the US, whenever that is. ;)

20 Things a Woman Should Tell Her Son

Read this and found it useful, hence I am sharing here on my blog:

TWENTY THINGS A MOTHER SHOULD TELL HER SON

1. Play a sport.
It will teach you how to win honorably,
lose gracefully, respect authority,
work with others, manage your time
and stay out of trouble.
And maybe even throw or catch.

2. You will set the tone
for the sexual relationship,
so don't take something away from her
that you can't give back.

3. Use careful aim when you pee.
Somebody's got to clean that up, you know.

4. Save money when you're young
because you're going to need it someday.

5. Allow me to introduce you
to the dishwasher, oven,
washing machine, iron,
vacuum, mop and broom.
Now please go use them.

6. Pray and be a spiritual leader.

7. Don't ever be a bully
and don't ever start a fight,
but if some idiot clocks you,
please defend yourself.

8. Your knowledge and education is something
that nobody can take away from you.

9. Treat women kindly.
Forever is a long time to live alone
and it's even longer to live with somebody
who hates your guts.

10. Take pride in your appearance.

11. Be strong and tender at the same time.

12. A woman can do everything that you can do.
This includes her having a successful career
and you changing diapers at 3 A.M.
Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.

13. "Yes ma'am" and "yes sir"
still go a long way.

14. The reason that they're called "private parts"
is because they're "private".
Please do not scratch them in public.

15. Peer pressure is a scary thing.
Be a good leader and others will follow.

16. Bringing her flowers for no reason
is always a good idea.

17. It is better to be kind
than to be right.

18. A sense of humor
goes a long way
in the healing process.

19. Please choose your spouse wisely.
My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me
spending time with you and my grandchildren.

20. Remember to call your mother
because I might be missing you.

Don't forget to share

(Credit: +Nino Rostomashvili)

You may be interested in: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/30-days.html

or

A Hand Reaching Out to Touch Her Son

SOMETHING BIG IS HAPPENING

Reflection on Accepting Death

A quiet moment before the coffin arrives home. We are waiting at the family home of my in laws some two-hour-drive from Kuala Lumpur.

Mommy's body was sent to the funeral parlor for makeup and preservation and the wake starts later today (Thursday), in Chinese culture, usually the wake is held for three days two nights. So Sat morning shall be the funeral service and thereafter proceed for cremation at noon.

Truth be told, both me and darling hubby Siang actually feel maybe 5% sadness and the rest are actual happiness/relief that she is now in a better place, free from suffering, free from her failing body. Siang and I talked about it before bed last night and we share the same sentiments, tears are usually present because of some unresolved regret, we have minimized our regret especially in the last few months so in short, both of us have ACCEPTED, acceptance is a powerful word that enables one to look at things from a different point of view.

Moreover we promised mommy we will not cry in her presence. Since it is a promise, a promise must be kept.

However, as much as I'd like to hold on to my promise, I don't know how strong I will be to hold on to my promise not to shed tears when her coffin is closed one last time, or how I can keep myself from breaking down once her casket is pushed in for cremation, however I shall try my very best to keep to our promise not to cry in her presence.

A pix of one of the blooming flowers in mommy's garden. RIP my only mother-in-law.

Post note: You are sorely missed...
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-miss-you.html

Related Post:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/30-days.html

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/11/dealing-with-terminal-illness-and-death.html

30 Days... The Beginning and the End

All alone in the first five rows of the plane heading back to Kuala Lumpur, taking the last flight out.

My mother-in-law's condition is critical now. Her respiratory tract is full of phlegm and she is but skin and bones now. The video my husband took and sent via whatsapp to me is too shocking that I hopped onto the next available flight which is also the last flight out for the day, leaving behind my 30-day-old baby boy. I miss him already.

I have given 30 days to my mother-in-law full time in Nov to care for her in illness and likewise I have given 30 days with my son, today is his 30th day on earth.

I need to tend to the 'end' first before the 'beginning'. Life begins at birth and ends with death, joy and sorrow both come hand in hand in life. I just did not expect both to come at the same time at this point in life.

The inevitable is near.

Please pray for strength and calm for everyone in the Lee family, my hubby's surname is Lee.

Am typing this on a note app in the flight with 1001 things running through my mind. Please let me make it back there in time while she is still somewhat conscious.

I pray for peace and pain-free last moments for this woman I call mommy. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers as well. *hugs*

Post note: Received this the moment my plane landed - Mommy just passed away at 22:56

Related Post:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-mother-in-law-62th-birthday.html

Reflection on accepting death: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/reflection-on-accepting-death.html

REMEMBER THIS

In Jitters - First letter to my unborn baby

My dear baby,

The date this blog post is scheduled is March 5, 2013, this date is your godmother's birthday, Auntie Pei whom you are should call Mommy Pei when you start talking later.

Mommy Pei used to tell me, your Mama, that she hopes you will be born today, on this date so you two can share the same birthday and celebrate together, that is so sweet.

By the time this post appears on Mama's blog, you should have been born already unless you are one of those babies who love to delay and take your own sweet time to make your debut in this world.

Your mama is in jitters already... at first it was euphoria and excitement that Mama and Papa will be parents, finally! You don't know how much we anticipate your arrival, oh my precious baby.

Then after the initial excitement is over, your Mama started worrying about so many things it is tiring. Like really keeping her awake.

What if you don't like Mama? What if Mama doesn't like you and it is not love at first sight?

What if Mama doesn't have what it takes to be a good mother? What if you bond with Papa more than Mama (selfish motherly thought)?

What if you cry and Mama doesn't know what to do? What if you fall sick and what Mama does only made it worse and it doesn't get better? What if a slight mistake in parenting affect your whole future?

So many 'What If's, only time will tell... so my dear baby, less than two more months and counting... it is mid January 2013 as I am typing this to you... by the time this blog post is published, you should be in my arms already.

I love you so much my baby. So does your Papa, both sets of grandparents, godmommy Pei, godmommy Val and goddaddy Eric. Know that you are much loved even before you are born.

Love,
Your Mama

p/s- after nearly six years of trying and dealing with stress of infertility, our family is nearly complete, just when we least expect it -- hope to celebrate our 6th anniversary with the three of us. :-) Our little Ray of hope is finally here.

Sequel to this letter

NEVER GIVE UP

My Mother-In-Law's 62th Birthday

It is mommy's birthday today, my MiL is 62 today, Jan 24, 2013... we cried last year when we thought she couldn't make it beyond 2012 or even live to see age 62, but now here she is, a living miracle.

Pix below shows mommy today, wearing her new hat to cover her balding head. She actually is clinically improving. We are glad she is still with us.

We don't dare to look too far ahead, we don't dare to speculate, we take one step at a time now and count our blessings every single day, thank you for the prayers and good thoughts sent her way!

Hugs,
Sue

GOOD TO SHARE: NEVER GIVE UP

Reminder to Self

This serves as a reminder to myself:

I may be stressed but if I compare the things that are stressing me out, others may have it worse than me, so I am blessed to be stressed by these things;

I may be irked with whatever or whoever now but others may have it worse than me, so I am blessed to be irked by them now, I know it could be much worse;

I may be aware of the growing fine lines on my face, but I have a face to look back at me when I look into the mirror, and I am comfortable in my skin, and for that I am grateful;

I may be fatter than those thinner than me but I am healthy (relatively) and fine, and I have all my faculties complete, mental, physical and emotional, I can walk with my fat calves, My stubby fingers are able, and I am me for all that I am worth;

I may feel lost or unloved but ultimately if I am not loving myself enough, how can another love me when I myself deem myself worthy of my own love?

I look back and count my blessings, I look around now and count my blessings and with a heart full of gratitude, I remind myself that I am grateful for all that has been bestowed upon me;

I may stumble in life and have low period of mood, but ultimately I have always picked myself up no matter how hard it was, and this time around, I can do it too!

There is a reason I am still alive, and until the day I really die, there is still a reason I am alive. Sometimes there are more than one reason, so REMEMBER THAT!

Sue* Jan 17, 2013.

Pix taken in April 2012, at Orlando, Florida, USA.

NEVER GIVE UP