After awhile,
Time heals,
Hearts may soften,
But some harden,
Minds are fixed,
Memories distorted,
All seen through rosy lenses,
Or perhaps still buried in bitterness,
Seeing things through a tinted blurry window pane.
After awhile,
Why peace still eludes the world?
Senseless destruction
of humankind and nature
Warped thinking
Bent on twisted mindset
Still...
After awhile,
Does it matter?
Yes, then do something about it.
No, then say nothing about it.
Enough negativity in the world...
After awhile,
Some lose
Some win
Some gain
Some let go
Others indifferent
Some care till the end.
After awhile,
Children grow,
People age,
Some pass on,
Life goes on.
~ Been awhile... Sue Sept 11, 2014
Showing posts with label childlessness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childlessness. Show all posts
Thursday, 11 September 2014
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Life and how things don't really turn out the way you wish/hope/planned, only better.
So I guess life thinks I have got enough little girls to add colour to my life. And so we got a little boy of our own, our precious little boy born earlier last year, 2013... a complete surprise but a wonderful addition to our life.
When we were told we were having a boy, I will be lying if I say I was not a little bit disappointed. I have always wanted a little girl before I became a mother. SORRY SON, if you are reading this when you could read a few years down the line, please continue reading, come on. I love you son.
Gone were my dreams to wear my little girl in pretty nice dresses and with laces and frills and tie up her hair in cute ponytails or braid them, and wear matching outfit with my girl when we go out and feel so proud I have a mini me. Okay, now that I put it this way, it seems like my dream of having a little girl is purely for self-gratification to doll her up and to stroke my ego/pride, hahaha.
However, now that I don't have a little girl, I have found that having a little boy is a totally different wonderful experience that I have never even given a thought in most of my life up till 2013.
Sure, there is one extra stuff to take care of when you change the diaper, and the diaper rash can or cannot be worse than a little girl's, babies stuff aside... now that our little boy is a toddler and hitting his milestones... it is the little stuff that makes me smile and chuckle everyday.
Our son has this thing for wheels since he could sit up steadily by 6 months and would point at moving blades like fans and would use his finger pointer to move any wheels, be it luggage wheels stroller wheels, his miniature car/toy wheels, any wheel, he will be fascinated.
The moment he could master some vocals, he started making boom boom, ggggnggg ggnnggg sound from his throat. And now at 16 and a half months, he finally learns the proper raspberry pout with his lips and makes the brrrrrrrrrrr, engine revving sounds and it doesn't stop there, he will take anything and pretend it is steering wheel and turn, and when there is nothing for him to get hold off, he will clasp his fingers together and started turning his hands like they are wheels and 'pretend drive'. 16 freaking months old... and he cannot converse yet with his limited vocabulary but gggggnggg ggggng has been in his vocab since like he could respond to us, lol. He loves that word more than mama or papa!
And the brooooooom broooom doesn't stop there. We take baths together, I will be beside him while he plays with his cup and duckies and he will be making the revving sounds, entertaining himself while the shower sprinkles down. He splashes the water everywhere in bath, so it figures to take bath together because I will be wet anyway. Baths aside, and yes hubby and I both agree there is nothing to be ashamed of by the natural state of our birthsuits, our little boy is growing up fine and he has his preferences and gets all excited when his fav cartoon Rory the racing car is on... wheeels aside, he loves Olive the Ostritch and Fifi and the Flowertops as well, so I guess he is an all-rounder, or at least I hope he will be!
It is a delight to dress him up too!
After much searching, and boys outfit unfortunately are not as extensive as a girl's wardrobe... so it really was a much more gratifying success when I finally found nice outfits for my boy.
And yes, we can dress up in the same colour scheme and pose for pix. Our boy is quite the camera pleaser after 'the training' in front of the camera that he went through - crazy mama (me) snapped thousands of photos in his first months on Earth and yes it has slowed down to maybe a hundred pix or so a month now haha.
It is a delight to watch what new stuff he unleashes each day... he teaches us both to be better parents if we both listen and respond to his needs instead of vice versa. Patience is a virtue, yes, but patience can really save your life and sanity, we cannot rush things with our little ones, all in due time, and they will flourish when it is time, like a flower is supposed to be in bloom.
I guess we are in a comfortable relaxed environment now, just the three of us. I cannot imagine how life will be without our son, the laughter and cackles, how he grins and behaves playfully when he knows he did something funny and we are trying not to laugh. Even when we do get the rare night off for date night, both hubby and I would be talking about him and what he will say or do at the little things we stumble upon and when we finally picked him up, we are missing him more than ever... and he missing us. He knows we are his parents and he is our little boy. Nothing can change that.
A little girl suddenly appearing now as an addition into our family of three? hmm.... I won't say yes right away but I also won't say no. COME WHAT MAY... what will be, will be.
Even if we don't get a baby sister for our son, we are already complete as a family with his birth. Not to say another baby will not be as important or anything, a sibling will be a welcome addition in the family and love knows no bounds, so it will be a nice 'extension' of love and everything nice in life. And I don't support the notion of males being the more 'superior' gender and all, so I am gonna make sure our son never treats a female with anything but respect.
We love you so much baby boy, hugs and kisses. Thank you for coming into our lives and bringing us so much joys in ways we never imagined life would give us.
Love, Mama and Papa
June 30, 2014.
NOTE: *We have our baby son after nearly 6 years of marriage*
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
In Jitters - First letter to my unborn baby
My dear baby,
The date this blog post is scheduled is March 5, 2013, this date is your godmother's birthday, Auntie Pei whom you are should call Mommy Pei when you start talking later.
Mommy Pei used to tell me, your Mama, that she hopes you will be born today, on this date so you two can share the same birthday and celebrate together, that is so sweet.
By the time this post appears on Mama's blog, you should have been born already unless you are one of those babies who love to delay and take your own sweet time to make your debut in this world.
Your mama is in jitters already... at first it was euphoria and excitement that Mama and Papa will be parents, finally! You don't know how much we anticipate your arrival, oh my precious baby.
Then after the initial excitement is over, your Mama started worrying about so many things it is tiring. Like really keeping her awake.
What if you don't like Mama? What if Mama doesn't like you and it is not love at first sight?
What if Mama doesn't have what it takes to be a good mother? What if you bond with Papa more than Mama (selfish motherly thought)?
What if you cry and Mama doesn't know what to do? What if you fall sick and what Mama does only made it worse and it doesn't get better? What if a slight mistake in parenting affect your whole future?
So many 'What If's, only time will tell... so my dear baby, less than two more months and counting... it is mid January 2013 as I am typing this to you... by the time this blog post is published, you should be in my arms already.
I love you so much my baby. So does your Papa, both sets of grandparents, godmommy Pei, godmommy Val and goddaddy Eric. Know that you are much loved even before you are born.
Love,
Your Mama
p/s- after nearly six years of trying and dealing with stress of infertility, our family is nearly complete, just when we least expect it -- hope to celebrate our 6th anniversary with the three of us. :-) Our little Ray of hope is finally here.
Sequel to this letter
NEVER GIVE UP
The date this blog post is scheduled is March 5, 2013, this date is your godmother's birthday, Auntie Pei whom you are should call Mommy Pei when you start talking later.
Mommy Pei used to tell me, your Mama, that she hopes you will be born today, on this date so you two can share the same birthday and celebrate together, that is so sweet.
By the time this post appears on Mama's blog, you should have been born already unless you are one of those babies who love to delay and take your own sweet time to make your debut in this world.
Your mama is in jitters already... at first it was euphoria and excitement that Mama and Papa will be parents, finally! You don't know how much we anticipate your arrival, oh my precious baby.
Then after the initial excitement is over, your Mama started worrying about so many things it is tiring. Like really keeping her awake.
What if you don't like Mama? What if Mama doesn't like you and it is not love at first sight?
What if Mama doesn't have what it takes to be a good mother? What if you bond with Papa more than Mama (selfish motherly thought)?
What if you cry and Mama doesn't know what to do? What if you fall sick and what Mama does only made it worse and it doesn't get better? What if a slight mistake in parenting affect your whole future?
So many 'What If's, only time will tell... so my dear baby, less than two more months and counting... it is mid January 2013 as I am typing this to you... by the time this blog post is published, you should be in my arms already.
I love you so much my baby. So does your Papa, both sets of grandparents, godmommy Pei, godmommy Val and goddaddy Eric. Know that you are much loved even before you are born.
Love,
Your Mama
p/s- after nearly six years of trying and dealing with stress of infertility, our family is nearly complete, just when we least expect it -- hope to celebrate our 6th anniversary with the three of us. :-) Our little Ray of hope is finally here.
Sequel to this letter
NEVER GIVE UP
Monday, 20 August 2012
Guilin - Heaven on Earth
Hubby and I are on our honeymoon - yeah, again, and I have lost count of our trips together in the past five years of marriage.
We are in Guilin, China, and as I have not been to China since Internet became part of our daily life, my first and last trip to China (HK doesn't count) was when I was still a reporter with an English daily in Malaysia, that was even just before I physically 'met' my husband (we met online first you see) - you can read about our love story here.
Anyway, this is a scheduled post to keep to my resolution to blog at least once a day.
Why China? I know some of you think it is the least preferred destination (especially those of Chinese descent who are living out of China), but hey, Guilin is a Heaven on Earth!
Don't talk about all the other 'shortcomings' of China that you are so happy to harp on and give me that look - "Told you so", I've been to Guangzhou, the third largest city in China (if my memory serves me right, if not you may google to confirm) and Shenzhen (the closest city to HK and Macao) - I tell you, even nearly a decade ago, they are nothing like what people who never visited China usually envision - the facilities are superb and we even became adventurous and took public transportation there!!!
Some people's mentality are so narrow it's to the point of being ridiculous: This is like saying, don't talk to anyone you don't know and stay cooped up at home because strangers are dangerous. Oh, you may judge me back on this one as well. I don't mind. I don't have any aversion towards China, that's all.
This is hubby's first trip to China! He has been to HK on business trips (and with me for our first Disneyland experience - you can look up the label Disney if you are a Disney fan) - and this is our first trip to Guilin for the both of us. Yay!
We chose a package that includes a trip to the Rice Terraces (most ground tours skip the rice terraces as it is a bit too far from the city). Reviews say the rice terraces are one-of-a-kind and we just wish to see it!
Let the pictures do the talking. I tell you, Guilin is a Heaven on Earth, a pix can tell a thousand words so include a few, all grabbed online via google images search. End of post.
A quote from a youtube commenter:
"Actually, the photos don't even come close to expressing the beauty of Guilin. I spent 6 months in this enchanted place. My fiance is from Guilin and we plan to retire in Guilin to live out our golden years." ~ Cougaram
Related blogpost: This song, 山歌好比春江水, is a traditional folk song from Guilin, China, popularised by the legendary Liu Sanjie 刘三姐
We are in Guilin, China, and as I have not been to China since Internet became part of our daily life, my first and last trip to China (HK doesn't count) was when I was still a reporter with an English daily in Malaysia, that was even just before I physically 'met' my husband (we met online first you see) - you can read about our love story here.
Anyway, this is a scheduled post to keep to my resolution to blog at least once a day.
Why China? I know some of you think it is the least preferred destination (especially those of Chinese descent who are living out of China), but hey, Guilin is a Heaven on Earth!
Don't talk about all the other 'shortcomings' of China that you are so happy to harp on and give me that look - "Told you so", I've been to Guangzhou, the third largest city in China (if my memory serves me right, if not you may google to confirm) and Shenzhen (the closest city to HK and Macao) - I tell you, even nearly a decade ago, they are nothing like what people who never visited China usually envision - the facilities are superb and we even became adventurous and took public transportation there!!!
Some people's mentality are so narrow it's to the point of being ridiculous: This is like saying, don't talk to anyone you don't know and stay cooped up at home because strangers are dangerous. Oh, you may judge me back on this one as well. I don't mind. I don't have any aversion towards China, that's all.
This is hubby's first trip to China! He has been to HK on business trips (and with me for our first Disneyland experience - you can look up the label Disney if you are a Disney fan) - and this is our first trip to Guilin for the both of us. Yay!
We chose a package that includes a trip to the Rice Terraces (most ground tours skip the rice terraces as it is a bit too far from the city). Reviews say the rice terraces are one-of-a-kind and we just wish to see it!
Let the pictures do the talking. I tell you, Guilin is a Heaven on Earth, a pix can tell a thousand words so include a few, all grabbed online via google images search. End of post.
A quote from a youtube commenter:
"Actually, the photos don't even come close to expressing the beauty of Guilin. I spent 6 months in this enchanted place. My fiance is from Guilin and we plan to retire in Guilin to live out our golden years." ~ Cougaram
Related blogpost: This song, 山歌好比春江水, is a traditional folk song from Guilin, China, popularised by the legendary Liu Sanjie 刘三姐
Monday, 13 August 2012
It's Your Choice - To Be Inspired or Be 'Drained'
It is always a choice. To mix with people who inspires you or to mix with people who literally drains you of your money/time/energy and sometimes even feelings.
I used to be a 'Woe is me' person when I was younger, more than 5 years ago. Speaking from experience, people started to 'avoid' me and starting to talk to each other whenever I greet them in the room, keeping me out: it was a stark contrast to our usual conversation. One of them (lady) actually told me I was pathetic as I kept harping on the same negative issue which I have no control over.
That was harsh at that time and i was reduced to tears but it was a wake up call. Do something about it and not drag others down with your negativity.
Remember that people choose to listen to you and nobody owes you anything.
I was dealing with the loss of a little life when that rebuke happened, a deep hurt that still hurts today. Yes, the rebuke was Harsh, but I was nearly going overboard and losing it, so yeah, I do appreciate my antagonists.
Oh, I don't keep talking about my state of childlessness if that's what you ate thinking, for those who have been reading my blog for some time. :)
I thank my past for making me a much better person today, being more comfortable in my own skin and fats, feeling very much loved, I count my blessings. #gratitude
Related post: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2008/12/it-has-been-year.html
I used to be a 'Woe is me' person when I was younger, more than 5 years ago. Speaking from experience, people started to 'avoid' me and starting to talk to each other whenever I greet them in the room, keeping me out: it was a stark contrast to our usual conversation. One of them (lady) actually told me I was pathetic as I kept harping on the same negative issue which I have no control over.
That was harsh at that time and i was reduced to tears but it was a wake up call. Do something about it and not drag others down with your negativity.
Remember that people choose to listen to you and nobody owes you anything.
I was dealing with the loss of a little life when that rebuke happened, a deep hurt that still hurts today. Yes, the rebuke was Harsh, but I was nearly going overboard and losing it, so yeah, I do appreciate my antagonists.
Oh, I don't keep talking about my state of childlessness if that's what you ate thinking, for those who have been reading my blog for some time. :)
I thank my past for making me a much better person today, being more comfortable in my own skin and fats, feeling very much loved, I count my blessings. #gratitude
Related post: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2008/12/it-has-been-year.html
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
FAMILY - The nucleus of every society
I love the photograph above which I have grabbed online, author/photographer unknown. The fingers/palm of the mother are similar to mine, chubby and stubby. :-) This is part of my visualisation in my daily reflection and hope that one day, our family of two will be three. Gotta keep the positive thoughts/feelings flowing!
This, and many other things and support I am grateful for in life at the moment kept me going in this journey of TTC (trying to conceive).
F- Father
A- and
M- Mother
I- I
L- Love
Y- You
We are not parents ourselves yet but hubby and I are lucky in the sense that we both have loving parents, complete sets, still alive and well. Not many have that privilege of having both sets of parents alive, and that is indeed a blessing.
We have to keep reminding ourselves not to lose sight of what we have in front of/beside us in pursuit of something we hope to gain but do not have yet. I guess 'letting go' is the start of a new beginning. My resolution is I shall resolve to not hold on too tightly to my 'goal' and live more in the present moment.
Come what may. Take a deep breath and have faith that everything will be alright in the end. Baby dust to all TTC couples.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Trying to Deal with Jealousy While TTC
For those in the know, you will know that TTC stands for Trying To Conceive. Hubby and I have been TTC for the past four years and still counting. We are still waiting and hopeful for our first child. There, I tried successfully to phrase that positively instead of the doom's day thoughts of childless, hopeless, frustration, etc. Anyway, I digress.
We are humans. The saying keeping up with the Joneses isn't there for nothing. There is some level of envy whenever others have something/someone that we don't have (yet) and hope to have. It is on the most personal level when it has got to do with having your own child/trying to get pregnant as the process of doing so is either through the taboo subject of sex, or via the laboratory test tubes/petri dishes which can seem impersonal/too personal and almost painful to talk about.
On a scale of one being the least and 10 being the most, I would say when I'm with friends, in the public, my level of jealousy for another expecting mother would be almost zero. I genuinely care and usually are happy for pregnant friends/relatives. I love looking at pregnant women and it makes me smile to think of the happiness the family must be having, expecting a new life into their home.
However, when I'm alone and in that private setting, melancholy will set in as the magnamity of my 'loneliness' that we women feel can only be filled by a child to call our own will allow jealousy to kick in - that at a terrifying scale of 8-10. I'm being very honest here, the nights you lay and the thoughts of wanting a child so much you feel you could die, and then reflecting on the most recent news of Ann who just broke the news that she's pregnant. Or hear from an elder in the family that her friend's daughter is pregnant only after less than 6 months of marriage, etc.etc.
A simple google search gave me this link: http://www.babycenter.com/400_how-do-i-deal-with-my-jealousy-of-my-pregnant-friends_500623_1.bc
There are so many who are TTC that feel the same way, and I know that since Day 1 of my long journey that hasn't seen the finishing line yet - so I don't feel so bad now.
The percentage of my negative feelings vs positive feelings is like maybe 20% of very intense negative feelings as opposed to 80% positive feelings for those I know who are expecting. Initially I was VERY obsessed about TTC and the jealousy is like 50% 50%. Now I'm becoming more accepting, I guess, but still hopeful and trying not to hard. That is after four years of self-reflection and of course, self-forgiveness, or at least trying not to blame myself for my state, which is more of a medical condition and not a matter of just relaxing and you'll pop out a baby in no time.
I found a cool video on how to deal with your feelings when you are the the worst time of the month when you found out you are not pregnant: http://www.fertilemindset.tv/2010/10/most-difficult-time-of-month.html
The TTC journey is hard, some had their marriage broken as both partners could not cope, but some are even more in love after the trial, with or without children in the end. I have my husband to thank for support and we really have grown so much together emotionally in this roller coaster journey of TTC. Baby dust to all who are in the same TTC journey.
We are humans. The saying keeping up with the Joneses isn't there for nothing. There is some level of envy whenever others have something/someone that we don't have (yet) and hope to have. It is on the most personal level when it has got to do with having your own child/trying to get pregnant as the process of doing so is either through the taboo subject of sex, or via the laboratory test tubes/petri dishes which can seem impersonal/too personal and almost painful to talk about.
On a scale of one being the least and 10 being the most, I would say when I'm with friends, in the public, my level of jealousy for another expecting mother would be almost zero. I genuinely care and usually are happy for pregnant friends/relatives. I love looking at pregnant women and it makes me smile to think of the happiness the family must be having, expecting a new life into their home.
However, when I'm alone and in that private setting, melancholy will set in as the magnamity of my 'loneliness' that we women feel can only be filled by a child to call our own will allow jealousy to kick in - that at a terrifying scale of 8-10. I'm being very honest here, the nights you lay and the thoughts of wanting a child so much you feel you could die, and then reflecting on the most recent news of Ann who just broke the news that she's pregnant. Or hear from an elder in the family that her friend's daughter is pregnant only after less than 6 months of marriage, etc.etc.
A simple google search gave me this link: http://www.babycenter.com/400_how-do-i-deal-with-my-jealousy-of-my-pregnant-friends_500623_1.bc
There are so many who are TTC that feel the same way, and I know that since Day 1 of my long journey that hasn't seen the finishing line yet - so I don't feel so bad now.
The percentage of my negative feelings vs positive feelings is like maybe 20% of very intense negative feelings as opposed to 80% positive feelings for those I know who are expecting. Initially I was VERY obsessed about TTC and the jealousy is like 50% 50%. Now I'm becoming more accepting, I guess, but still hopeful and trying not to hard. That is after four years of self-reflection and of course, self-forgiveness, or at least trying not to blame myself for my state, which is more of a medical condition and not a matter of just relaxing and you'll pop out a baby in no time.
I found a cool video on how to deal with your feelings when you are the the worst time of the month when you found out you are not pregnant: http://www.fertilemindset.tv/2010/10/most-difficult-time-of-month.html
The TTC journey is hard, some had their marriage broken as both partners could not cope, but some are even more in love after the trial, with or without children in the end. I have my husband to thank for support and we really have grown so much together emotionally in this roller coaster journey of TTC. Baby dust to all who are in the same TTC journey.
Thursday, 18 December 2008
It Has Been A Year...
It has been a year since I left my singlehood and embark on a whole new journey of sharing a life exclusively with another person, I have been married for a year and a half already. Time really flies.
It has been a year and 3 months and still counting when my heart was broken into shards of glasses when I lost a precious little life that did not have a chance to live and grow.
It has been a year and 1 month since I left the job that caused me so much emotional stress that it has contributed to me losing what matters most.
It has been a year that I ventured into a totally new field but eventually, that didn't last too.
PLEASE, I beg you, don't ask me or my spouse any of these questions as it hurts everytime you ask them:
Are you parents yet?
When are you starting a family?
Then, if we tell you the truth, DON't say things like this cos it will only hurt ME even more:
Aww, I'm sorry, at least you knew you could get one.
You're more lucky than those who carried to term or bigger tummy then lost the child.
Rest more, don't fret.
None of those really help to ease the pain and only serve a brutal reminder of the painful memories.
So the best bet is to let the subject pass and avoid the topic altogether.
Even my parents and my parents in law have learned not to broach the sensitive subject in front of me, and they are anxious to be grandparents.
Our parents, they have every right to ask, but NOT anyone else who are not even our flesh and blood.
So, who are you to ask and be so nosy to ask if my husband is a father already or me a mommy already?
We will announce when we are, so please don't hurt my feelings even more.
We are trying very hard and God knows how much that hurts to think back of what happened.
So please, spare me the heartache when we meet anywhere by avoiding this topic.
Yes, one year on, it still hurts. Everytime I think it's gone and think back of that bit of history, a part of me in my heart starts bleeding again. I guess you never outgrow such a painful memory.
Update: August 2012 - It will be exactly five years since I lost you, next month in September. I still mourn silently. I feel exactly the same way today, just that I have learned how to control my emotions and not let the dam of tears break everytime I think of you. I have changed gynae as I do not wish to be reminded of my loss. Trying very hard to move on. TRYING TO MOVE ON - A POST ON MY RECENT FEELINGS
It has been a year and 3 months and still counting when my heart was broken into shards of glasses when I lost a precious little life that did not have a chance to live and grow.
It has been a year and 1 month since I left the job that caused me so much emotional stress that it has contributed to me losing what matters most.
It has been a year that I ventured into a totally new field but eventually, that didn't last too.
PLEASE, I beg you, don't ask me or my spouse any of these questions as it hurts everytime you ask them:
Are you parents yet?
When are you starting a family?
Then, if we tell you the truth, DON't say things like this cos it will only hurt ME even more:
Aww, I'm sorry, at least you knew you could get one.
You're more lucky than those who carried to term or bigger tummy then lost the child.
Rest more, don't fret.
None of those really help to ease the pain and only serve a brutal reminder of the painful memories.
So the best bet is to let the subject pass and avoid the topic altogether.
Even my parents and my parents in law have learned not to broach the sensitive subject in front of me, and they are anxious to be grandparents.
Our parents, they have every right to ask, but NOT anyone else who are not even our flesh and blood.
So, who are you to ask and be so nosy to ask if my husband is a father already or me a mommy already?
We will announce when we are, so please don't hurt my feelings even more.
We are trying very hard and God knows how much that hurts to think back of what happened.
So please, spare me the heartache when we meet anywhere by avoiding this topic.
Yes, one year on, it still hurts. Everytime I think it's gone and think back of that bit of history, a part of me in my heart starts bleeding again. I guess you never outgrow such a painful memory.
Update: August 2012 - It will be exactly five years since I lost you, next month in September. I still mourn silently. I feel exactly the same way today, just that I have learned how to control my emotions and not let the dam of tears break everytime I think of you. I have changed gynae as I do not wish to be reminded of my loss. Trying very hard to move on. TRYING TO MOVE ON - A POST ON MY RECENT FEELINGS
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)