I struggle to find the right words for this blog post.
It has been 9 years since my grandpa passed on and 3 years since my mother-in-law passed on. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes the heart just feels numb. Memories are highlighted in fragments. You find yourself keep reliving the memories, good and bad over and over again, and you catch yourself looking on with nostalgia at old photographs.
The desperate clinging on to every single memory that you can keep in mind is further reinforced by the clinging of the few possessions that you still keep.
I panicked when the blouse I kept with mommy's scent lost its scent when I reached out to it and smelt it after so long... I tried imagining the smell is still there but it is just gone.. another part of mommy lost...but the smell is committed into memory.
I still call my late mom-in-law "Mommy". I still call my grandpa "Gong Gong".
I was sitting down in Singapore one day and I whiffed a scent of his favourite Brylcream haircream and I half expected him to be near me. Instead I saw an old man of Chinese descent, dressed in a similar style as Gong Gong, only he is much younger than Gong Gong's 95 years, yet just seeing that old man is like seeing an apparation of Gong Gong and I could not help but rudely stared for quite some time until I tried to hide my stare and started to peek... The feelings that surfaced were so strong I felt like crying in joy at such familiar memories and crying in sadness cos I deeply miss him.
Sometimes you miss a departed loved one so much your heart felt like it would burst. Sometimes you feel angry that their time is so short and you wish for just one more day with them to spend more time with them just to hear their voice again and to feel their touch and just to see them again in person. Like me, sometimes I wonder what if they are still alive. Will my son's life be different and be better shaped just because he could meet his grandma and greatgrandpa? Alas, that will remain a big What If. It is just not meant to be.
Such is the attachment we have to our dearly departed... Life goes on... but we are just too emotionally fragile sometimes and it is okay to miss them and let the tears fall once in awhile.
RIP May we find solace that our loved ones have departed to a peaceful, happier place.
After awhile,
Time heals,
Hearts may soften,
But some harden,
Minds are fixed,
Memories distorted,
All seen through rosy lenses,
Or perhaps still buried in bitterness,
Seeing things through a tinted blurry window pane.
After awhile,
Why peace still eludes the world?
Senseless destruction
of humankind and nature
Warped thinking
Bent on twisted mindset
Still...
After awhile,
Does it matter?
Yes, then do something about it.
No, then say nothing about it.
Enough negativity in the world...
After awhile,
Some lose
Some win
Some gain
Some let go
Others indifferent
Some care till the end.
After awhile,
Children grow,
People age,
Some pass on,
Life goes on.
The date this blog post is scheduled is March 5, 2013, this date is your godmother's birthday, Auntie Pei whom you are should call Mommy Pei when you start talking later.
Mommy Pei used to tell me, your Mama, that she hopes you will be born today, on this date so you two can share the same birthday and celebrate together, that is so sweet.
By the time this post appears on Mama's blog, you should have been born already unless you are one of those babies who love to delay and take your own sweet time to make your debut in this world.
Your mama is in jitters already... at first it was euphoria and excitement that Mama and Papa will be parents, finally! You don't know how much we anticipate your arrival, oh my precious baby.
Then after the initial excitement is over, your Mama started worrying about so many things it is tiring. Like really keeping her awake.
What if you don't like Mama? What if Mama doesn't like you and it is not love at first sight?
What if Mama doesn't have what it takes to be a good mother? What if you bond with Papa more than Mama (selfish motherly thought)?
What if you cry and Mama doesn't know what to do? What if you fall sick and what Mama does only made it worse and it doesn't get better? What if a slight mistake in parenting affect your whole future?
So many 'What If's, only time will tell... so my dear baby, less than two more months and counting... it is mid January 2013 as I am typing this to you... by the time this blog post is published, you should be in my arms already.
I love you so much my baby. So does your Papa, both sets of grandparents, godmommy Pei, godmommy Val and goddaddy Eric. Know that you are much loved even before you are born.
Love,
Your Mama
p/s- after nearly six years of trying and dealing with stress of infertility, our family is nearly complete, just when we least expect it -- hope to celebrate our 6th anniversary with the three of us. :-) Our little Ray of hope is finally here.
According to the Chinese lunar calendar, 2012 is a Dragon year, there are 12 animal zodiacs in the Chinese tradition.
Dragon babies are much coveted as scores of couples strive to conceive AND deliver babies in this auspicious year. The number of infants born in such a 'lucky' year almost doubled in almost every Chinese-descent-populated areas in the world!
However, too much of a good thing isn't too good as well. The powerful Dragon energy does not augur well with the frail and elderly. Consider it the 'overwhelming' power of the Dragon, which may cause illness for some and even death for many. The powerful Dragon is said to cause Flood, natural disasters, and natural illness that cropped up from no where for individuals.
I have attended a funeral on my hubby's side earlier this month, August 2012. From Chinese (Lunar) New Year in late January up to August 2012, I have heard of personal losses of those surrounding me almost every other week. That should be more than 20 deaths of someone related to someone I know. Two students have lost their dear fathers (young fathers who barely turned 50 and another less than 60 of age), at least five other students lost their uncles and grandfathers. On fb, contacts and friends lost their lovely babies due to negligence of caretakers and natural causes (at least two sweet precious little lives were lost in the earlier part of 2012), then there are my friends who lost their parents who didn't even make it past the age 70 mark, another friend who lost 3 dear ones in a single month, and many others who share in their fb status updates of their bereavements.
This leads to a very recent bereavement of a long time colleague, in my vocabulary, more than a year in a job is considered 'long' - he was in his late 50s.
We were in China without my work phone and I only saw the text message upon arrival back to Malaysian soils, four days after his passing due to heart attack. His young wife texted our supervisor who then informed the rest of us who had the privilege to work with him.
It happened a day before Eid, Aug 18. Malaysian Muslims celebrate the first day of Syawal on Aug 19 this year. It must have been sad and shocking for his young family (he started a family quite late in his late 30s).
Rest in Peace, brother. Will always remember you, Mr Fazham Talib, as an old-timer with vast industrial experience in corporate communications, with a small stature but very powerful voice that booms across the hallway when you speak. You shall be dearly missed by all who knew you. Al-Fatihah (RIP).
Malaysia is a multi-racial & multi-religious country despite its Constitution stating that it is a Muslim country with Islam as the official religion. We are free to believe and adopt any faith we choose.
I love the practice of asking for forgiveness on a New Year for the Muslims (the first day of the Muslim Calendar Month of Syawal). Happy Eid and I apologise for all my wrongdoings and trespassings in the past one year.
Kepada sahabat Muslim sekalian, Selamat Hari Raya Puasa, Maaf Zahir dan Batin!
I will make up for the food when I return from my China trip. Been scheduling my posts for the past few days as I am away till after the first two days of Raya (Eid!). My Muslim friends told me the celebration lasts the whole 30 days, a whole month, so I will feast on the delicious food when I return!!! Ketupat, Rendang, ayam masak merah, soto, etc... you can google them up for the mouth-watering images. *craving mode*
Some cute pix of a sales brochure of a hypermarket. They illustrations are just so adorable! Have a great celebration!!!
I am a procrastinator. Due to an understanding of that, it comes with 'maturity' to truly see yourself for who you are - a procrastinator who loves the rush of adrenaline when you are striving to meet the deadline, and doing a pretty good job at that - when you meet others of the same nature, i.e. 'practitioners' of procrastination, that sense of 'familiarity' brought back some nostalgic feelings.
I hold the principle that if it doesn't harm anyone, I procrastinate, if it concerns a team, a group or of a larger scale, I finish the task before you can even say start. I am a selective procrastinator that way, I prioritise.
COMMUNICATING IN REAL LIFE AND BEYOND (UTILISING SOCIAL MEDIA)
You see, I have been in my current job for more than three years, and counting. For those uninitiated, I am a lecturer, an educator/teacher, however you call me, I'd like to call myself a communicator as I am sharing what I learned back in university, and also my work experience when I was still 'out there' in the industry - communication - and I find myself 'communicating' to these young people more than 'educating' them anyway. One advantage is that I get at least a third of my yearly number of 'new students' to befriend me on fb annually and I do get some of them as my twitter followers as well.
THE REALITY OF A TEACHING/EDUCATING JOB
However, right from the beginning, I am quite disappointed that the number of 'interaction' hours with the students tend to be lesser than the number of hours I spend pushing papers and deal with red pens (marking) and filling up mountains of forms and preparing reports. I think it is a global phenomenon for educators, the number of hours you actually spend with students are like a third or even a fourth of your whole workload?
YOUNG FOREVER?
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job - the hours I spent interacting with the kids (I still call them kids in a good way as they are so very young!) reminds me of how beautiful youth is, the youth that is slowly slipping away from the physical body. They keep my spirit 'young' and with that, I feel more energetic and 'alive', hubby always commented on how 'fired up' and high-spirited I am - DAILY - he calls it 'hyper'. :-)
THE TRUE MEANING OF FEELING 'OVERWHELMED'
I never really know the feeling of being 'overwhelmed' till I took on this job.
NOT when I was reporter and the editor was staying back to wait for me to finish my front page news to complete the printing of the front and back page - which was reserved just for my news.
NOT when my neck was on the line when my client was breathing down my neck and shouting on the phone when something 'went wrong' a day before a huge event or when as a PR practitioner, the media attendance was really poor (read: one media turn-up) - we turned it around and somehow did not get overwhelmed and made it positive anyway!
NOT when it was the umpteenth time your client shoved back your work at you and complained your copywriting isn't up to what they were expecting, and finally they settled for the first few drafts you sent in the first place, without realising they themselves rejected it initially. No, those are NOT overwhelming.
NOT when the board of directors dislike the fact that you wrote something without having gone through it with them, despite the fact that you are not supposed to be answering to them anyway. No, not when your career seems to be in a tight fix.
Nope, I never considered those moments 'overwhelming'.
NOT when the office politics got worse and you are on the worst receiving end of it. NO, those are not really overwhelming, it is easy to walk away when you don't really have a reason to stay anyway.
I kinda summarised my entire career's 'most difficult moments' in those few paragraphs.
lol Exciting times.
Really, the rush of adrenaline in the heat of the chase really (still) gets me all fired up. I am THAT kind of person.
OVERWHELMED: MY DEFINITION
Sometimes, it does get stressful with the sheer number of students - average ten classes which translates to over 200 students at any given semester, and multiply that number by three assignments (not including the in-between assignment exercises you give), and at the end of every semester, you get equal number of exam scripts to mark in less than a week (average five working days and sometimes a few more days if you are lucky).
I find that after my regular work hours are over, minus the family meal times, washing up and household chores, and some winding down time with hubby in front of the telly, I need to sacrifice my sleeping time or even my weekends to catch up with the marking that I tend to bring home. Oh, I abhor marking. Detest, hate, shudder with apprehension... however you describe it oh yeah, I really am not a big fan, not even a small fan of marking. If we are talking about an entire class of a single class with only 18-20 students for an entire semester, oh yes, that is fine.
With my current institution, due to its popularity and large intake of students annually, to the extent we only have a single intake yearly as opposed to other instutitions who may have two or three or even four intakes annually, I guess you can say it is worth being proud that our single intake brings in enough number of students, the volume is really overwhelming we need to put a stop to double intakes or more.
QUANTITATIVE LOOK AT THE MEANING OF OVERWHELMING:
It is easy to get 200 students or more under your tutelage at any one time. If you need to spend about 20-30 minutes on a single item to mark, if you have already done the Maths about three paragraphs before, if there are a minimum of 200 students, you should get 600 assignments, and if it is a 'writing' paper, with exercises, with another three exercises (minimum) - add another 600 exercises, and 200 full length exam papers which takes about 30 minutes to fully mark (minimising errors) - so 600+600+200 = 1,400 items = 1,400 x 25 mins (average) = 35,000 minutes = 583 hours and 20 minutes. That is equivalent to 24 days 7 hours and 20 minutes.
And we have to squeeze that into 16 weeks. Each work day, we have 24 hours - Deduct 9 hours for regular work hours - deduct 6 hours daily for sleep (minimum) - deduct 1 hour for personal hygiene stuff - deduct 1 hour for commuting (travelling to and from work, shopping for household products, etc) - deduct 2 hours and 30 minutes for meals (including preparation at home or waiting for food outside) - deduct 30 minutes minimum for household chores, mostly laundry, don't talk about sweeping or mopping, deduct 1 hour for cuddling/telly time/chatting with your partner. That is not including 1 hour of catching up with the news, going online to check mails, some family time - calling up your parents/in-laws, and doesn't include maybe another 1 hour to engage in social media - 15 mins on twitter, 15 mins on fb, nah, who am I kidding, we need to do that twice to be fully engaged in social media - so an hour a day it is.
How many hours are you left with in a day? Exactly ONE HOUR left.
And I don't have kids yet. If I have kids, then that precious one hour will be taken away. Poof. So where do I squeeze in the marking? Spoken like a true procrastinator, back to the topic at hand.
By the end of the day, when you are winding down, the last thing you wanna look at are scores of 'mistakes' and half-hearted attempts of courseworks/assignments/work, however you call it. Maybe about 10% of them would be 'gems', truly a delight to mark but if you think of the rest of the 90%, it really takes away my appetite for even my favourite food. We haven't even factored in the time every lecturer need to prepare for lessons, research time, etc. Something's gotta give. Don't we have some personal me time? I haven't stepped into a spa or salon for the longest time!
For weekends, out of that 24 hours - we tend to have 'more time' to relax, or so we thought.
SACRIFICES
It is only a sacrifice if you don't enjoy doing it and I DON'T. So you sacrifice your sleep (I've stayed up all night and only took a nap at 7am before waking up at 9am to submit the scrips), your family time (thank Goodness for understanding spouses), your weekends are gone, bye!! and who even have time for some 'me time'?
DISHEARTENING, DISAPPOINTING OUTCOME
It does get very disappointing sometimes when you have repeated the same thing for 14 weeks since the first lecture and yet, at the finishing mark, where all runners reach the final destination, they just 'don't get it' and did exactly what you told them NOT to do.
Whose fault it is?
I do take it very hard and feel very bad when students fail or fail to achieve even a minimum pass. Even with a lot of 'hand-holding' and guidance, I find that there will still be 10% who just refuse to listen or just plainly ignore what you say. Such blatant disregard do make me lose it sometimes but I rarely show it in front of anyone.
The kids tend to skip lectures, there are those who diligently attend each lecture, rain or shine, with or without 'traffic jams', fatigue or illness.
Then why do those who chose to skip lectures cannot emulate those who diligently attend each lecture?
Answer: BLATANT DISREGARD and IGNORING BASIC MORAL VALUES LIKE RESPECT for others.
It makes my blood boil everytime these SAME STUDENTS ask for exam tips or say: "Please, give us very 'specific guidelines', Miss" - I feel like they are making fun of the entire semester and disregarding everyone's efforts the entire four months. Who are you to come at the end of the semester that once or twice to DEMAND FOR SOMETHING you don't even deserve?
Some even blatantly, albeit jokingly, asked for the actual questions. You might as well break into the safe and get caught and get expelled or worse, go serve your time in jail. You wanna drag me down with such a stupid request? What's the use of attending college/university when you don't wish to use your brain?
Yes, we can procrastinate, but not at the expense of others. If it only concerns you and your personal well-being, so be it.
However, if you are in a group, or a whole big system, just one weak link will cause the entire system to fail. Don't forget that every young person will grow up to be older and be part of the system that forms the society. We are all interconnected and what you do or say will affect others.
Oh yes, I have taken some harsh actions and said some hard-to-swallow remarks especially in the heat of the moment, which I am reflecting on right now. Some people just cannot take it, hence they lashed back the best way they can by complaining or b*tching about it online. Hey, what goes around, comes around, you think we are still in the Stone Ages? This is the Digital Age where nothing escapes anyone!
Your reputation is what people think you are; your character is what you are.
I guess I am comfortable enough in my skin to not really care about either. I have a pretty good reputation and I love my colourful character. We cannot please everyone!
Anyway, at the end of each semester, I do realise I am a forgiving person. I don't hold grudges as it really will eat you up inside, and I do forgive these kids who have 'trespassed', and ultimately, youth is when you are supposed to make mistakes. I blame youth and not the humans.
This is another personal blog post. If mushy/romantic stuff isn't for you, feel free to browse away or may I suggest to you a very angry blog post that is the total anti-thesis of romance HERE
I actually wrote a blog post of a similar nature on my Friendster Blog about five years ago in 2007, which has since closed down without notice, all the data just wiped out like that, all my precious blog posts, etc. Let's hope blogger won't suffer the same fate! Anyway, I digress.
If I have to sum up our romance in a phrase, it would be:
Your voice is like: Music to the soul, music to my ears, music to my heart.
:-)
THE END: I became Mrs Lee
That is the short version of our love story.
Five years ago today, July 14, it was also a Saturday. Fancy the day actually 'repeated' five years later today. I thought it is supposed to be more than 10 years or something for the calendar to repeat.
It was the day where our courtship (dating relationship) as a dating couple ended in a series of wedding receptions. No kidding, THREE full wedding receptions to cover the legal, religious, ceremonial and traditional stuff - this is what happens when it is the LAST WEDDING OF THE GENERATION and THE FIRST WEDDING OF THE GENERATION.
We had our receptions - one each in three different states in Malaysia, one in April, two in July. So seriousy if you ask us when is our anniversary, I will ask you back, which one? Legal one, religious one, ceremonial one or traditional one?
I won't talk about my weddings. The wedding is only the end of courtship and the beginning of marriage.
I will talk about our LOVE STORY. #love Growing up, being brain-washed by Disney and fairy tales, I always believed in romance and love. It pains me that I have no boy friend when others have a special guy friend, I always asked if I am not cute enough, not attractive enough, not good enough, etc. Such were the growing pains.
Borrowing from the concept started in this particular blog post, I shall write a letter to myself, only this time, I am writing to my past-self.
Tegami by Angela Aki - If this doesn't play, Google up アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～ （歌詞 Lyrics） - Letter to my future self, a 15-year-old finds it hard to live and writes to her future self and she actually replied from the future and tells her to hang on.
I highly recommend you click on the play button above now, for effects.
WARNING: LONG LETTER TO SELF AHEAD
*******************************************************
Dear Sue from the past (before January 2012):
General Cover Letter:
I am not sure which past version of me will this letter reach so I shall write to each and every one of you, or rather, me, or maybe I will just refer to Sue as 'us' and 'we'.
Today is July 14, 2012. Yup, this is also the same era our favourite childhood movie by Michael J. Fox "Back to the Future" came from (Back to the Future II) - unfortunately there is no cool hoverboard that flies and no, we still never learned how to skate or roller-blade. I remembered that was our wish when we were still a little girl.
However, there is this amazing thing called the Internet - it is something like a totally different virtual world where real people interact with each other through various portals, on this thing we call computer, which has since evolved dramatically and we have these phones called mobile phones, yup, they are mobile, no, no, not the ones you see in black brief cases that men carry and take out to make phone calls, these are really small and now even small kids have them, technology has certainly changed and land lines are not exactly 'land' now with new technology. Anyway, all these are not important.
I have specific messages for each one of us starting from little Sue.
To little Sue in the 1980s-1990:
Hello little one,
We are just fine - I bet you didn't think that we'd live to be 30, or rather past 30, huh? Or maybe we did. We always had this crazy crushes with cute boys we see on TV or even in real life. Thanks to Disney, we always dream that one day our prince will really come, and we really hung on to that hope and were really excited when one of our dreams really came true -- in the form of dreams.
Oh, nearly 30 years on, yes, Sue, we are still a dreamer.
I mean literally a dreamer. We still remember our dreams. Dreams that occur when we were asleep. Remember how we had this 'to be continued' dream series back when we were in primary (elementary) school in the last 1980s? Fancy dreams having story line that continues and pick up from the previous night - we still have those now, but very rare and far in between - I sure hope we won't lose that special connection.
It goes without saying we still remember our dreams, still as vividly as ever. I think you would want to know what happens in the future right? I'm going to tell you in 'topics' so it will be easier for you to follow.
LOVE
Now, no point telling you the future dreams or else it will defeat the purpose, right? Let's talk about the dream that I know you already have at this age.
Do you recall this dream we had, where little kids our age - boys and girls - were paired up - a boy and a girl in a pair - and we were supposed to help each other cross the stream, not really a river, I remember it was more like a small stream. Do you remember our partner in the dream? Yup, the 'spoilt brat' who refused to lend us a hand in crossing the stream and we kept nagging him to the extent we behaved very un-ladylike in our favourite dress.
Do you remember his face? :-) I'd like to believe that I've married him. Unsmiling face, hair combed old-fashioned way to one side, on the chubby side, small eyes, typical Chinese boy. Dream on, in a positive way, and please make ALL THE MISTAKES in love, because without that, we will never meet this wonderful guy. For your age (less than 10) I think that's enough about love for now.
CHILDREN
I also have news to tell you, we have got this fervent (strong) dream to be a mother when we grew up, right? Well, well, don't worry so much about that dream - we have THREE 'free' kids as our godchildren now, two girls and a little boy. The two girls are related but the little boy is totally unrelated to the two girls. We became 'mummy' to these little girls pretty early! I won't spoil the surprise for you but just know that we finally became mummy and mama, although not in the way we expected.
How about our own children? Don't worry, I believe the time will come. We are still in our early 30s, and yes, we really love to have children to call our own, when playing with our dolls, Beautee and Reddie (oh I still have Beautee the teddy bear!) remember we always pretended they were our babies and we were thinking of how we are going to feed the babies and change their nappies. We will be a fine mother one day, we have three kids to 'practice' with now. When ours and only ours comes along, we will be totally ready for him or her. Don't worry so much little one.
SCHOOL
School is just fine. We will represent our school, represent our division (our district), and even represent our state at national level competition/contest - not sports though, I think you can figure out that much. We still hate to sweat or exercise but we still love books. Never lose sight of your studies, and yes, please follow your heart when choosing what to study next time. Make the same 'mistakes' and we should end up where I am at now. :-) What's our job now? I don't think it will make sense for you, little one, right about now. I have problem describing it to my two god daughters as well. Let's just say we are one very important person to many people at work. :-)
FRIENDS
Don't worry about making friends or if they don't want to be your friends. The world is so big out there, I tell you now, you can know hundreds and thousands of people you have not even met or will ever meet in real life, through this thing called the Internet.
Social life (friendship) will only get trickier after you turned 10, but don't worry so much about it, we have a great friend still very close to us, a friend we have known since we were 7. Won't tell you who she is. You will know when the time comes. So yes, we have many friends, they even help you 'count' your friends - my last count was nearly 2,000 friends. Yeah, that is like after 99, you get a 100, and after 999, you get a thousand, you just multiply that by 2!
I know this will be very overwhelming for you, dear little one, don't worry so much, and continue 'thinking' and wondering 'what ifs', but please don't let life break your soul.
Keep smiling always, little Sue.
I shall pretend I am recording an audio only-letter (voice only, no video) with a hard-copy of the letter & pix to my subsequent teen self for fun:
To teen Sue in 1990s:
Hello to the cutest girl I have ever known (we are still as narcisstic as ever),
Remember how we will get so cross (upset) when people call us cute and we always wonder why didn't anyone call us pretty? Now I know why, and I am not telling. *wink*
This was taken on our 16th birthday, how grumpy we looked in the pix! Oh, you are saying we look demure and cool in it, okay, whatever you say. And no, we don't look fat in the pix. No, no, no, you DON'T KNOW the meaning of fat yet, no, not in your teens.
Okay, you win, YOU ARE FAT, happy? - *end of argument with self and feels quite stupid trying to talk sense to a teenager* -
What do you mean the whole world 'owes' you an explanation? Hello girl, no one cares about your world, especially not in your secret code that you use in your diary, oh gosh, I can never forget those codes, and no one cares if you put on one pound or half a kg since yesterday, and no, you don't look fat, again, I repeat, you are not fat.
Okay, you ARE fat, you win, okay?
Are we still dancing in the future? Let's just say we are, but not on stage anymore. Enough said. Why? Oh, don't ask why. Sssssh. When was the last time we actually danced? Yesterday, why? What dance? You won't even know the song cos it is a current song, so quit asking so many irrelevant questions. And piano? Oh, oh yes, we still play it now. Just, treasure your piano now okay, take good care of Eterna, our beloved Yamaha piano.
You see what happens when you don't play the piano? The string tends to be cold even with the heater on and it tends to break. What do you mean you are lazy? You still have Grade 8 exam coming up in 1996, isn't it? Hello!!!
Now, now...!
Don't you wish to know which guy you married in the end?
*silence*
There, I got your attention. Listen to what I have to say first then I will tell you who.
Listen there,
I know we hated being a teen. We always felt that we are out-of-place more mature than our age and we just cannot get along well with our peers. Oh, what is peers, I forgot your English vocab is still so limited - it means people who are of the same age as us. What looking down on your English? It doesn't matter you always get the top marks (among the top three) in English in class I tell you, your English isn't that good in the 1990s. Geez, you even lost that trophy of Best English for the whole grade (Form) to Vincent, remember? Oh, it hasn't happen yet, this is not yet 1995? Okay. Ssssh. Listen to me.
Okay gorgeous, listen to me. If this isn't 1997 yet, here is a preview of how we will look like in February 1997:
AND THIS too:
While you are oggling at your own pix, I will continue with what I have to say - geez, I am finally reminded of how difficult I was as a teenager.
I want to give you some advices, in point form, since your attention span is too short:
1. DO NOT DEFY YOUR PARENTS - okay, I think you just shook that off your ears, never mind.
2. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, not everything is about you - okay, you still won't listen to me. Okay, okay, woe is me. You have the worst life in the universe, fine.
3. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, you may not still have what you are having now in the future - okay, you are still young, so you still are not listening and for the 10th time, YOU ARE NOT FAT, what do you mean your calves in the second pix look fat? I love that pink dress okay, I've been saving it till now, more than 10 years later! Okay, you don't care? Fine.
AND ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING!!!
4. NO ONE YOU LIKE NOW will be your husband, not even the pen pal you never met!
*can imagine glass shattering and thunder booming in the background*
I think I'd better end this letter now.
Take care, teen Sue.
Know that we were the best looking teen ever, smiling or unsmiling - peace:
-- end of letter for teen Sue --
If the song above has ended, feel free to press play on this one:
*I'd like to imagine myself teleporting to the early 2000s to talk to my younger self just for fun*
To my younger self (early 2000s)
Hello undergrad!
It was more than 12 years ago since I first stepped into the university as an undergrad.
Oh, the shadow that was looming back then? The heartbreak from our teens? Geez, that reminds me of how 'loyal' we were. You mean, oh, yeah, we are still 'loyal' now, just that, we know who to be loyal to now that we are older and more mature.
I tell you now, dear Sue, having had so many heartbreaks in such a short span of time, yeah, they are short, a few years is short, compared to a whole life time - I tell you now, heartbreaks and heartaches will only make you stronger, not kill you.
Once you are stronger, you will be very well-loved as you are more confident with yourself. I tell you, oh, you are munching on cookies again, Twisties this time? Okay, pass me some. It really soothes a broken heart huh, munching and munching. Hence the explanation why I look like this now. *points to future present self*
What do you mean no one will love you?
Look at me, I am fat, I am definitely more than a few pounds overweight but I am loved and I feel loved, and I am very much capable of loving. Be at peace with yourself girl, and stop torturing yourself mentally.
Oh, is this year 2002-2003 yet? Let me tell you something girl, before the most beautiful rainbow appear, there will be rain and sometimes storm, right? Know that after 2003, our rainbow will appear and never go away for the longest time, hopefully till the end of time.
I know, cos I come from the future.
Is our husband anyone we know now... erm, if this is before mid-2003, nope.
But that shouldn't stop you from dating. Go out and date, such social experiences enrich our lives, just play safe and be safe when going out with strangers from the Internet okay?
Don't worry about our career - I think our love life is more messed up than our career, just follow your heart and do whatever we want!!! Yeah~ gimme five.
~Ciao~
-- end of letter to early 20s Sue --
To my dating self (2003-2006)
Hello there!
No, you are not fat, you are thinner than how you will be in the future. hahahaha, laughs at self.
Who cares anyway, right? We've found a boyfriend! Oh, he is a keeper for sure!!!
If this is 2003, you are just out from a relationship, and nursing a broken heart, right? Yet another failure you say? Nah, it's just one of life's trials. We will go through it just fine.
What is the month now? Do you remember the guy who kept appearing at the top of your list on that online dating site we registered with just for fun? No, not the Korean guy or the Caucasian, the Chinese one - the Malaysian.
OH, you know him already by now? Did he email you? He did? lol, sssh, a secret on how to go past the 'paid membership' and him contacting us. *giggles*
Just a reminder that he is a real gentleman, okay, he never once asked us to forget about the ex, he even advised us to give that stupid ex a chance and listen to his side of the story when he knew we might have a chance together. He isn't selfish, that is for sure!
However, there is nothing we can do, that ex is our ex, and let him be. No more in our life, we can close that chapter now. We have got this 'new' guy now *giggles*
Oh, his voice is really musical isn't it? He actually held a concert for only you over the phone? Yeah, he has the nicest voice, the most handsome and soothing voice ever, if you can call a voice handsome.
'I knew I love you before I met you' rings true for us with this guy, huh? Loving someone before meeting him in real life.
Oh, is it 2004 already?
We finally became what we wanted to become, right? To meet people and do what we love most, to write, and get paid for it - we have been a journalist or reporter for the second year by now. And yes, we have uprooted from Borneo to Peninsular Malaysia including our cars across South China Sea, with our family trailing along. Yes, Sue, we are powerful, we moved the whole family over! muahahaha.
Have we met that guy yet? We have? Finally in person? Oh, by the road side!
The Internet is known as the Information Highway, hence meeting him via the Internet and finally in real life is like meeting him by the road side?
Yeah, literally by the road side near the traffic light. I got picked up by my future husband in his car by the road side.
Oh, mama is asking us to pursue our Masters while working? Go ahead and earn the Masters, it will come in handy. Don't worry about no time for dating, this sweet guy will still be there at the end of the two years.
Wedding plans? Don't worry about the pressure from our potential-in-laws - mama has her ways to put off the wedding date until after our Masters graduation.
We will be traditionally engaged first in 2006. Oh, just had our engagement now haven't we? This is the thinnest we have been in 5 years, hahaha.
Then we will have our wedding in 2007, you already know about that, okay, I can leave now. Bye!!!
-- end of conversation with dating self --
To my married self (5, 4, 3, 2 years ago) - saving a letter to my 2011 self in another blog post another time
One word - growth.
We are all still growing and growing with each passing moment. Embrace the moment and grow together with your man. Nothing is too difficult when you have each other by your side. There will be ups and down, and married life isn't always easy, but when it is shared, it is true that love will make it all worth while in the end.
Look at what we have and not what we lack, and the world will seem to be a more beautiful place.
-- end --
So today, after five short years together as husband and wife, I'd like to wish us happiness and joy.
Happy Anniversary to us, and may we live to a ripe old age together, side by side, happily and peacefully. May we grow old together, happily married like our grandparents before us, happy to say there is not a single divorce in our family so far, not as far as older generation is concerned anyway.
May we look forward (pun intended to coincide with the pose in the pix above) to many more years together in the future, happily married to each other.
I am proud to be Mrs Lee. :) I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me very much too.
It is true when they say words alone cannot truly describe this emotion called love, and I consider myself long-winded and wordy. I will be lying if I say I can truly fully put into words just how much love I am feeling right now. It is simply too overwhelming and 'deep'. No fireworks, no sparks, no adrenaline rush that young love used to get at the beginning of infatuation stage. It is more of a 'peaceful' love, more like "I am finally at home" love. Still that does NOT really describe this feeling called love. SO Sue, you fail big time, you cannot describe LOVE!
P/S: A brief insight of how much he loves me can be found in the comment section in this particular blog post
I love the photograph above which I have grabbed online, author/photographer unknown. The fingers/palm of the mother are similar to mine, chubby and stubby. :-) This is part of my visualisation in my daily reflection and hope that one day, our family of two will be three. Gotta keep the positive thoughts/feelings flowing!
This, and many other things and support I am grateful for in life at the moment kept me going in this journey of TTC (trying to conceive).
F- Father
A- and
M- Mother
I- I
L- Love
Y- You
We are not parents ourselves yet but hubby and I are lucky in the sense that we both have loving parents, complete sets, still alive and well. Not many have that privilege of having both sets of parents alive, and that is indeed a blessing.
We have to keep reminding ourselves not to lose sight of what we have in front of/beside us in pursuit of something we hope to gain but do not have yet. I guess 'letting go' is the start of a new beginning. My resolution is I shall resolve to not hold on too tightly to my 'goal' and live more in the present moment.
Come what may. Take a deep breath and have faith that everything will be alright in the end. Baby dust to all TTC couples.
Foreword: This is a blog post targeted at female and only females. Consider yourself warned, guys.
Ladies,
Unless you don't have a womb/uterus, in your 'child bearing years', we will usually have that inevitable month visit by our 'favourite aunt', hence the term AV (Auntie Visit), and many other variations of the Monthly Period (MP).
Of course there are exceptions to the monthly AV,
1. The girl hasn't come of age (nowadays girls as young as 8 starts menstruating)
2. Hormonal imbalance
3. Menopause
4. Pregnancy (yay! for me anyway as I'm trying to conceive)
5. removal/absence of womb
A young female is said to have reached menarche when she has her first menstrual cycle begin with the excretion of blood from her womb.
Quoted from wikipedia.org Menarche is the culmination of a series of physiological and anatomic processes of puberty:
Attainment of a sufficient body mass (typically 17% body fat).
Disinhibition of the GnRH pulse generator in the arcuate nucleus of the hypothalamus
Secretion of estrogen by the ovaries in response to pituitary hormones.
Over an interval of about 2 to 3 years, estrogen stimulates growth of the uterus (as well as height growth, breast growth, widening of the pelvis, and increased regional adipose tissue).
Estrogen stimulates growth and vascularity of the endometrium, the lining of the uterus.
Fluctuations of hormone levels can result in changes of adequacy of blood supply to parts of the endometrium.
Death of some of the endometrial tissue from these hormone or blood supply fluctuations leads to deciduation, a sloughing of part of the lining with some blood flow from the vagina.
A specific hormonal signal for menarche is not known; menarche as a discrete event is thought to be the relatively chance result of the gradual thickening of the endometrium induced by rising but fluctuating pubertal estrogen.
The menstruum, or "flow," consists of a combination of fresh and clotted blood with endometrial tissue. The initial flow of menarche is usually brighter red than mature menstrual flow. It is often scanty in amount and may be very brief, even a single instance of "spotting." Like other menses, menarche may be accompanied by abdominal cramping.
Now this is a very interesting read on wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstruation_and_the_origins_of_culture
Anyway, I am digressing.
Old wives tale as far as AV is concerned varies from culture to culture.
In Eastern/Asian culture, traditionally menstrual blood is treated as 'dirty' and 'filthy' and the implication of that perception is that women are severely restricted in their actions and freedom in daily life, traditionally of course.
Here are some random Old Wives Tales (OWT) I had been exposed to in the past - I won't say I agree with all of them, just sharing them and up to you to decide if there is any truth in these OWT:
(A) Well-being of the female herself -
1. Do not drink or consume icy drink/food, best if not chilled - warm food/drink are recommended during that time of the month. It is said that the 'cold' things we put into our bodies will result in blood clots and causes cramps, or in extreme cases, stop the menstrual flow for awhile then when it flows again, sometimes after a few days, it will come with a vengeance, painful cramps.
2. Avoid consuming acidic food, especially sour-tasting food like preserved plums prior to your AV. By 'prior', it can mean up to a week before your first day of MP. This is supposed to cause even more cramps and pain or sometimes even more bleeding.
3. Avoid washing your hair when you are menstruating.
By that, some even go to the extent of avoiding cold bath water or cold shower and only bathe with hot/warm water, careful not to wet their hair. The reason being it will 'stop' the menstrual flow as the temple of your head is like the main point in Eastern traditional medicine that affects your bodily function.
However I think the philosophy is that the female is 'weak' when she is losing blood hence this is supposed to 'protect' her from the cold energy from being transferred into her body. The Yin (cold) and Yang (hot). Doesn't apply to me as my "energy" is all messed up due to too much Western medical intervention in my attempt to conceive.
4. Eat 'warm' food, and food that encourages blood circulation towards the end of your MP to 'flush out' the remaining 'dirty blood'. Example of 'warm' food are anything cooked with ginger, including home-made ginger wine, even ginger tea (they even have it in packets/granules) is supposed to help ease the cramps and ease the flow of MP.
5. Keep your lower belly and your lower back warm. That is supposed to keep the blood circulation smooth and will ease your cramps.
And there are many more Food/drink you may or may not consume before, during and after your MP. End of well-being part.
(B) Taboo during MP
1. Females are considered 'unlucky' during that time of the month and should separately carry on her daily tasks and do not have any physical contact, especially with the males. So no intercourse during MP.
2. They cannot touch scared stuff on the altar of the ancestors are they are considered 'impure' during MP. Most Asian cultures forbid them from entering sacred worship places. Buddhism however, DOES NOT hold this belief and only treat this as a natural monthly phenomenon of excretion from female body. It is more of a cultural taboo and not a religious restriction.
3. Some cultures have some kind of practice in disposing the used sanitary towels/pads/napkins - some ethnic culture dictates that female must wash the towels clean before disposing of them and some do not wash them but just add some table salt in it before throwing them away.
Some even go to the extent of scaring young girls by saying some ghosts and evil spirits feed on menstrual blood and if they don't have enough, they will trace back to you by the scent of your blood and appear before you. I think the rationale behind this is hygiene. The rubbish/garbage disposal wasn't as efficient in the yester years hence washing the pads is a practice ingrained from the previous generation who used cloth pads/towels which are reusable before the advent of those with adhesive.
EVOLVING SANITARY PAD or TOWELS or NAPKINS
The sanitary pad/towels have evolved rapidly over the last 50 years. However, due to the disposable nature of the mass production catered to the majority of females, the traditional cloth sanitary pads are seeing a reemergence with their better and improved versions compared to their predecessors - the start up kit does cost a bomb, last I checked.
Despite them costing a bomb, I guess if you care about the environment and do not wish to contribute to more waste, going green and going back to natural towels/pads is the way to go... I just am not that 'moved' to purchase it yet. Don't flame me please.
I am not sure of old wives tales in other non-East Asian cultures. I welcome sharing/comments. Till the next month, hang in there, ladies!!
The little mermaid gained her name Ariel in the Disney cartoon of a Princess Mermaid, who is the daughter of Triton, the King of the Sea.
She is a typical case of those who will not settle for your fate given to you at birth, she does not feel she belong to the sea, she long to be walking on the ground like humans do.
Here is the part where she is longing to be walking instead of swimming and getting wet all day long:
The video was taken during the Little Mermaid show at Disney World, Orlando, Florida, USA, the show was named Meet the Little Mermaid or something, and we thought it was similar to the photography session the "Meet the Princesses" but then we discovered it took place in a theatre, so it was a show after all. The red-haired princess is pretty, though, the pix at the top cannot do her justice hence I took videos of her as the video is slightly clearer than pix.
DEAL WITH THE DEVIL SEA WITCH
So she made a deal with the sea witch to help her turn her tail into human feet, but in return, she had to 'give' her voice to Ursula. Oh, did I mention Little Mermaid is infatuated with the Prince she once saved from shipwreck? I say infatuated cos it was only after that the feelings turned into love, :-) At least by my definition.
This is my most fav part (my own video on youtube) - Shameless Plug - do subscribe to me on youtube if you may. Thank you!
The part where Ariel sings for one last time before she turned human, and lost her voice to Ursula, the evil sea witch, as part of the bargain to turn her fish tail to human feet.
As per my previous blog entry on Snow White and Sleeping Beauty here I love to sing "a a ah, a a ah" to Disney Princess cartoons, in lyric-less tunes when I was a little girl (still love those tunes even now!).
The Little Mermaid show at Disney World, Orlando, Florida, was cute! Ariel 'sitting' down most of the time on the coral reefs, then they let the screen do the story telling to summarise the whole cartoon. Makes me feel like I wanna be a little girl again in order to be fully immersed in the magic of Disney!!!
In my previous blog post on Disney Princess dresses for little girls, I left out this pix of Ariel's costume!
The pix above was taken during our second day in Disney World, Orlando, Florida, on March 25, 2012 at EPCOT. I will be blogging all about EPCOT in a single blog post and the Flora Festival that was going on when we were there... soon, I have mentioned it will take me many many blog posts to fully 'capture' our experience in Disney World. :-)
Beauty and the Beast - Belle isn't exactly a princess until she fell in love with the Beast, and broke his curse and he turned back into a Prince and they got married and lived happily ever after. Of course, in every fairy tale, there is an antagonist/villain, in this case, it is Gaston, the ever conceited man who wished to marry Belle just because she is the fairest maiden in that locality and he felt that her beauty matches his handsomeness, whatever it is he called it.
Anyway, I love her gorgeous golden ball gown! Which in the Beauty and the Beast Musical/Show at Disney World, Orlando, at one of the four theme parks, Disney Hollywood Studios (former MGM) - she only wore it for about two minutes in the last scene. The rest of the play, Belle wore her normal garb, grey and sometimes with a black hooded coat when she is in the outdoor scenes.
Here goes.
Out of the three princesses who were 'waiting' for the people in the one-hour-long-line to reach them and snap pix with them, Belle (Beauty) was the only one who got down on the floor to talk to the little ones, the other two in that 10 minutes we were in the 'chamber', preferred to either stand or sit on the stools provided. And she is the most authentic looking among the three princesses! Check out my blogpost on: Do you believe in the green dragon? Under July 2012 blogposts
Don't you love her gorgeous dress, the ruffles and oh, the rich golden yellow colour, I love her dress the most, I don't have a particular fav Disney princess, just fav points about each one of them.
Anyway, enough about the signing autograph Belle - let's see the pix from the show - this will be a long LONG LONG pictorial blog post. I was snapping away every other second during the show at the open air amphitheare (with shade).
40+ pix ahead (snapshots from the Beauty and the Beast show at Disney World, Orlando, Florida)
Before the start of the show - seated behind us, we can clearly hear a little boy kept asking his mommy, is it time yet? Is it time yet? is it time yet? Are they starting soon? Are they starting now? Until finally she said okay, now there are 10 more seconds, and exasperated, she counted down from "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 there", and at that exact second she said 'there', the screen/curtain were drawn and the announcer spoke.
Talk about exact timing! The mother whoopped in joy and said, THERE! Mommy's watch is timed according to Disney time, down to the exact second! I let out a loud chuckle and hubby turned around and gave the mom a thumbs up and she laughed. lol
And the curtains were drawn again and we walked out from the amphitheatre.
It was worth the arrive-half-hour-earlier wait - we arrived half an hour before the show started and we could only manage to get an aisle seat (no obstruction, yes!!!), but towards the top of the theatre.
If I have a child/children in the future, I will definitely bring them to watch this amazing show!!!
