I miss you

It has been awhile,

I miss you...

So many things I wanted to say,
So many doubts I wanted to clear,
So many "if only you are here" moments
Then the crushing realization you are no longer here.

RIP Mommy

Your legacy lives on....

(In loving memory of my beloved mother-in-law who left us on March 19, 2013)

Little things that matter

In memory of my late mother-in-law, something written from Nov 2012 - A hand reaching out to touch her son

Reminder to self

When all seems bleak... there comes our Ray of Hope

Reflection on Accepting Death

A quiet moment before the coffin arrives home. We are waiting at the family home of my in laws some two-hour-drive from Kuala Lumpur.

Mommy's body was sent to the funeral parlor for makeup and preservation and the wake starts later today (Thursday), in Chinese culture, usually the wake is held for three days two nights. So Sat morning shall be the funeral service and thereafter proceed for cremation at noon.

Truth be told, both me and darling hubby Siang actually feel maybe 5% sadness and the rest are actual happiness/relief that she is now in a better place, free from suffering, free from her failing body. Siang and I talked about it before bed last night and we share the same sentiments, tears are usually present because of some unresolved regret, we have minimized our regret especially in the last few months so in short, both of us have ACCEPTED, acceptance is a powerful word that enables one to look at things from a different point of view.

Moreover we promised mommy we will not cry in her presence. Since it is a promise, a promise must be kept.

However, as much as I'd like to hold on to my promise, I don't know how strong I will be to hold on to my promise not to shed tears when her coffin is closed one last time, or how I can keep myself from breaking down once her casket is pushed in for cremation, however I shall try my very best to keep to our promise not to cry in her presence.

A pix of one of the blooming flowers in mommy's garden. RIP my only mother-in-law.

Post note: You are sorely missed...
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-miss-you.html

Related Post:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/30-days.html

http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/11/dealing-with-terminal-illness-and-death.html

30 Days... The Beginning and the End

All alone in the first five rows of the plane heading back to Kuala Lumpur, taking the last flight out.

My mother-in-law's condition is critical now. Her respiratory tract is full of phlegm and she is but skin and bones now. The video my husband took and sent via whatsapp to me is too shocking that I hopped onto the next available flight which is also the last flight out for the day, leaving behind my 30-day-old baby boy. I miss him already.

I have given 30 days to my mother-in-law full time in Nov to care for her in illness and likewise I have given 30 days with my son, today is his 30th day on earth.

I need to tend to the 'end' first before the 'beginning'. Life begins at birth and ends with death, joy and sorrow both come hand in hand in life. I just did not expect both to come at the same time at this point in life.

The inevitable is near.

Please pray for strength and calm for everyone in the Lee family, my hubby's surname is Lee.

Am typing this on a note app in the flight with 1001 things running through my mind. Please let me make it back there in time while she is still somewhat conscious.

I pray for peace and pain-free last moments for this woman I call mommy. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers as well. *hugs*

Post note: Received this the moment my plane landed - Mommy just passed away at 22:56

Related Post:
http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-mother-in-law-62th-birthday.html

Reflection on accepting death: http://suesanctuary.blogspot.com/2013/03/reflection-on-accepting-death.html

REMEMBER THIS

In Anticipation - Second Letter to my unborn baby

My dear precious baby,

This is Mama's second letter to you, by the time this blogpost is published, it should be March 10, 2013, this is your uncle's birthday, your maternal grandmama who is mama's mama, said, hopefully my first grandchild will be born on the same date as my son (your uncle). You see your uncle is Mama's younger brother, and he was born today many years ago, it should be swell if you two can celebrate your birthdays together.

Of course, your godmommy Pei wants you to be born on March 5, her birthday, we shall see when you decide to pop out.

I have a feeling if this is a leap year, and you are like me, always wanting to be different and trying new dares, you would have chosen to pop out on Feb 29, but alas, 2013 has no Feb 29. So my precious baby, come out anytime you are ready, Mama and Papa are just waiting... we have been waiting for nearly six years for you. A few more days should not be a problem (although each passing second is full of anticipation and jitters).

May you be a healthy happy baby, my precious one.

Mama and Papa love you very much. Always remember that.

Prequel to this letter

In Jitters - First letter to my unborn baby

My dear baby,

The date this blog post is scheduled is March 5, 2013, this date is your godmother's birthday, Auntie Pei whom you are should call Mommy Pei when you start talking later.

Mommy Pei used to tell me, your Mama, that she hopes you will be born today, on this date so you two can share the same birthday and celebrate together, that is so sweet.

By the time this post appears on Mama's blog, you should have been born already unless you are one of those babies who love to delay and take your own sweet time to make your debut in this world.

Your mama is in jitters already... at first it was euphoria and excitement that Mama and Papa will be parents, finally! You don't know how much we anticipate your arrival, oh my precious baby.

Then after the initial excitement is over, your Mama started worrying about so many things it is tiring. Like really keeping her awake.

What if you don't like Mama? What if Mama doesn't like you and it is not love at first sight?

What if Mama doesn't have what it takes to be a good mother? What if you bond with Papa more than Mama (selfish motherly thought)?

What if you cry and Mama doesn't know what to do? What if you fall sick and what Mama does only made it worse and it doesn't get better? What if a slight mistake in parenting affect your whole future?

So many 'What If's, only time will tell... so my dear baby, less than two more months and counting... it is mid January 2013 as I am typing this to you... by the time this blog post is published, you should be in my arms already.

I love you so much my baby. So does your Papa, both sets of grandparents, godmommy Pei, godmommy Val and goddaddy Eric. Know that you are much loved even before you are born.

Love,
Your Mama

p/s- after nearly six years of trying and dealing with stress of infertility, our family is nearly complete, just when we least expect it -- hope to celebrate our 6th anniversary with the three of us. :-) Our little Ray of hope is finally here.

Sequel to this letter

NEVER GIVE UP

You never know what is just round the bend/corner

Just because something isn't happening for you right now, doesn't mean that it will never happen!

You never know what is just around the corner!

Have faith and be patient. Good things come to those who wait!