It has been 9 years since my grandpa passed on and 3 years since my mother-in-law passed on. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes the heart just feels numb. Memories are highlighted in fragments. You find yourself keep reliving the memories, good and bad over and over again, and you catch yourself looking on with nostalgia at old photographs.
The desperate clinging on to every single memory that you can keep in mind is further reinforced by the clinging of the few possessions that you still keep.
I panicked when the blouse I kept with mommy's scent lost its scent when I reached out to it and smelt it after so long... I tried imagining the smell is still there but it is just gone.. another part of mommy lost...but the smell is committed into memory.
I still call my late mom-in-law "Mommy". I still call my grandpa "Gong Gong".
I was sitting down in Singapore one day and I whiffed a scent of his favourite Brylcream haircream and I half expected him to be near me. Instead I saw an old man of Chinese descent, dressed in a similar style as Gong Gong, only he is much younger than Gong Gong's 95 years, yet just seeing that old man is like seeing an apparation of Gong Gong and I could not help but rudely stared for quite some time until I tried to hide my stare and started to peek... The feelings that surfaced were so strong I felt like crying in joy at such familiar memories and crying in sadness cos I deeply miss him.
Sometimes you miss a departed loved one so much your heart felt like it would burst. Sometimes you feel angry that their time is so short and you wish for just one more day with them to spend more time with them just to hear their voice again and to feel their touch and just to see them again in person. Like me, sometimes I wonder what if they are still alive. Will my son's life be different and be better shaped just because he could meet his grandma and greatgrandpa? Alas, that will remain a big What If. It is just not meant to be.
Such is the attachment we have to our dearly departed... Life goes on... but we are just too emotionally fragile sometimes and it is okay to miss them and let the tears fall once in awhile.
RIP May we find solace that our loved ones have departed to a peaceful, happier place.
Image grabbed from Lotus Flower Project