Sunday, 19 May 2013

Feeling Emo

Long post ahead...

It has been quite some time since I last played any games on my iPhone or facebook, before Candy Crush became the craze for (almost) everyone.

Back when my late mom in law (MiL) was still alive and then diagnosed with final stage cancer, I was a regular in some Zynga games on mobile, and actually had some 'regular' game partners called 90tomh and worshipdrummer. Then I quit to attend to more pressing matters at home since my MiL stayed with us in her final days and left a message in our last game, to which worshipdrummer replied, giving me comforting words.

Now more than 200 days later, much have happened after my MiL passed away, had a baby boy, then attended my MiL's funeral, etc. then I checked out those games again and saw that it has been more than 200 days.

I checked back 11 days later and the game requests were still unanswered, I guess they too have moved on and dumped the game.

Some things can never be the same as time goes on. 

The only constant is change. This made me very emotional when I think about it. My baby will be a little boy soon and by the time he enters primary (elementary) school I will be 40. You can never return to all the 'good old times', that's why they inserted the word 'old' in everything nice and fine.

Am I scared of old age? A little... I will be lying if I say no. Am I afraid of death? Yes, sudden death especially, I wish to have some time to prepare myself and plan my 'exit' from this life.

It is the start of the 14th week for my darling son. He just turned exactly 3 months old last week, according to the calendar month. I was just looking at his newborn pix and I nearly teared up seeing how small he was back then. He has a little boy face now... I am torn in between wanting to see how he will grow up yet I am sad when I know he is growing and will never be as small and this way anymore. Human dilemma of not sure how to feel.

Guess everyone deal with grief their own way. I guess this is my grief talking. I haven't fully cried out after my MiL passed away as both hubby and me made a promise not to cry near her body. 

Having such precious happiness in my arms now in the form of my son and then losing my MiL seems like a cruel joke played on me by nature. 

I haven't dealt with the sadness or even the anger and frustration of the situation.

Yes I have busied myself with my baby for three full months and I was too tired to even think of anything on a daily basis. I do enjoy my baby tremendously.

But last night, my baby slept through the night and only woke up at 5.30am for his feeding, giving me a good night's sleep... 

As I woke up refreshed...which isn't a bad thing, and then these feelings flooded in, as I am only human. 

All these while fatigue helped me delay facing my grief. 

Now... Sigh. Mommy I hope you are happy where you are now, I know you are at peace now. Know that your youngest son and me don't feel the same without you around the house. We sorely miss you... More than words can say.

- end -

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